Maybe I’m told to be “myself”,
So I’ll try writing openly,
And then I’ll be aggressively asked “are you referring to me!?”,
Or someone will negatively take something personally..,

And then I’ll explain myself,
And (for example) will be told,
“You don’t gotta explain yourself to me”,
And then my beta anxiety will make me feel another need to waste more energy elaborately apologizing and/or explaining myself to have some other dickhead “like” me..,

What else did I “screw” up..?

Huhhhhhhhhh

If someone (truly) feels being my friend,
Is doing me a “favor”,

If someone feels being my friend,
Is just causing them additional “stress”,

If someone feels being my friend,
Is something I must “repay” on some other day,

Then yes,
Maybe the best available option I’ll have to settle with once again,
May just be isolation,

I feel that:
As long as it’s NOT (sufficiently) mutually beneficial,
I guess it’s ALSO wasteful,

Well..

I guess I will once again..(?),
Try to return my attention,
To my naturally occurring “breathing” and/or whatever inner sensations are inevitably passing through me,
As I (try to) let go,
More and more of,
Whose actions showed,
Our “friendship”,
Was never meant to be,

For example,
It was just,
Their egos,
Wanting to do favors for me,
So their egos could attain the power to later on guilt trip me into working for them,
..,
It was just them trying to disguise their verbal abuse as telling me what I “needed to hear”,
Well,
May I find more inner peace,
Even if I can NEVER avoid their direct control,

Huhhhhhhhhh

I feel that for example:

My VICTIM mindset says:
“Even though certain people may work longer hours, have far more stressful and high-pressured jobs, experience more physically life threatening conditions,
Well.. maybe they have more friends,
Deeper social connections,
More meaningful and inclusive social interaction while I’m largely back in isolation after failing once again to take more jokes thrown at me (to a greater degree) and failure to ‘keep up with’ everybody for reasons such as socially stigmatized labels additionally damaging foundational inner confidence development, and even the “like-minded” groups also exclude me so I’m entitled to work less (and everyone who I worked with and for hated me and made stuff harder for me) so the super-rich owe me..”,

My CRITICAL mindset says:
“Learn to take jokes,
If you screw up more you’ll get punished more,
It’s not all about you,
Stop calling what you need to hear ‘verbal abuse’,
Others have certain stuff they’re dealing with that you’re lucky to NOT have,
Stop whining,
Stop looking to blame others for shit you done to yourself,
Get your shit together you fucking pussy”,

My “OBJECTIVE” mindset says:
“Let the thoughts pass by as they always do,
Don’t waste energy trying to sort stuff out that you don’t need to,
Focus on your naturally occurring breathing and inner body sensations,
Just relax”,

..,

And my deeper beingness does not say anything I can put into words,
(In my belief..),
It’s just there infinitely beyond what words can describe

I feel that:

Even though I may see stuff very differently,
There’s a lot humans have done,
and are still doing,
For me in addition to everyone,

Even if millions and millions of people have pointlessly died or been killed,
Even if millions and millions (or however more) have been horrifically enslaved,
Even if certain false belief systems (especially when taken too literally) have helped humans socially connect and make it through the hard times,
To help construct what I also have to appreciate today,

Well,
As for all I may have to keep complaining about,
I feel I must remember,
It just could have been so much worse way back in the day,
So I feel to be lucky,
To have what I still have today

Hi,
I feel that:

As for trying to creatively piece together writing,
(Or anything..),
For example,
The words can point to some deeper meaning,
Or,
Nothing seemingly worth noting,

I feel that,
One example can be,
“As the river of emotions pass, may we peacefully notice them on the shore”,
OR..,
“Before bed, he scored some head, as the other dickhead, got brutally rejected”,

So in the first example,
I feel that,
It was trying to point to some inner peaceful development process,
Hence,
While our emotions inevitably “pass” through us,
We can peacefully “notice” them “on the shore” which is where our awareness can safely remain (as the inner emotional current (or “river”) may inevitably pass through us),

The second “rhythmical” example I additionally thought of is (of course) pertaining to oral sex,
Which,
Regardless of however “right” or “wrong”,
In my opinion,
Just does NOT seem to clearly point to any deeper meaning,
Meaningfully (NOR helpfully) beyond what the words alone by themselves (I feel) seem to say..(?),
(Such as the rhymes “bed”, “head”, including the word “dickhead” which (I feel) can be interpreted as a person and/or the head (or top) of one’s dick..),
..,

Now of course,
I feel that,
These examples (or more elaborately connected ones of similar styles) can be expanded,
And/or elaborately connected,
Infinitely interpreted,
Infinitely debated and/or infinitely analyzed etc, etc..,
Yet,
May we NOT permanently forget,
Which inner place(s),
General elaborate forms of creativity,
That may manifest externally and even INFLUENTIALLY..,
Just may,
Be coming from within,
Including their overall effect(s) that they just may be having on us emotionally within..(?),

I guess..(?),
In some way,
To some degree,
We’re perpetuating and/or newly creating something,
That is coming from some type of foundational internal level (or depth) of awareness (or Unawareness),
Which for example,
Can be consciously clear,
Kind and compassionate,
Or impulsive and reckless,
Arrogant and carelessly UNaware,

Here’s another example,
“I notice my inhale and exhale, while trying again after another fail”,
Which I feel can be interpreted as noticing breathing intended to help reduce inner tension and/or decrease overthinking as we keep trying in whatever direction with whatever (and/or however) we’re aspiring towards (or against),

Here’s another example,
“I got all this money, no one can touch me, the next to challenge me, will lose disastrously, providing me another victory, as I continue invincibly, awaiting my next win that I’ll seize INSTANTANEOUSLY, .. I will climb higher and higher, as my opponents sink deeper and deeper, I will remain winner, now and forever, .. they’ll always suck, as I remain unstoppably not giving a fuck, .. they’ll try to take me down, and will make themselves look like an even bigger clown, I’ll remain up, as they keep on falling down and fucking up”,
And yeah so I feel that above example could be considered as toxic arrogance,

And well,
For example,
Would these types of lyrics help boost “confidence”..(?),
Even if “yes”,
Well,
I still do NOT see how they help us truly broaden our awareness more deeply and compassionately to TRULY access more inner clearness to increase the chances of more clearly UNcovering UNforeseen inner capabilities that just may (otherwise) manifest out of us magnificently,
?

And well,
Even if these were NOT “realistic” NOR sufficient examples,
And although I’d say that NOT everything we read and/or listen to needs to be “serious” NOR “taken seriously”,
And as for music I (of course) often feel it’s more about how it sounds instead of what the lyrics are actually saying..,

Point is,
Is there any serious effects,
Of excessively listening and/or however emotionally consuming stuff with toxic messages..(?),

And,
Whenever we may try to look at something deeper (such as what we may consume frequently),
Does it help us feel better or more at peace and clear internally..?
So I guess many lyrics are therefore mostly NOT intended to be taken seriously if I understand on some level “correctly”..(?),
Because (for example) many musical lyrics,
Fill me with more negativity that does nothing for me when I try to see the “big picture” more clearly and/or deeply..,
Yet..,
When I try to express myself in some way that’s serious..,
I feel that (Unfortunately) more often than NOT,
For example,
The seriousness is regarded as “weirdness”,
EVEN if the seriousness is “CHILL” and/or however NON-aggressive..,

Not that everything is intended to be taken “seriously”,
And of course (I feel that) there’s a “time and place” for certain types of discussion(s)..,
Yet if we’re always consuming creativity that comes from an inner place of bullshit.., well..,
Are we truly feeling “as good as we can” in whichever moment(?),
And of course (for example),
What are the longer term deep emotional/cognitive effects..(?),

Just some more thoughts and feelings..,
And even if during trying to explain this I also sounded in whichever ways “oblivious” and “arrogant”,
Well,
I just also felt a need to try to additionally share this,
I hope it (as always) made sufficient logical sense,
Regardless,
Thanks as always for reading

I feel that:

Experiences are always occurring,
Which in some way,
I’m to some degree,
Unconsciously instantly reacting to,
Or consciously responding and learning and/or rediscovering what is worth remembering from them,

Whether I’m repeating the same lessons to myself,
Whether I’m more clearly seeing on some deeper level of understanding what I already felt to “understand”,
Or if I’m learning something that is in some way completely “different”,

Well,
Just as I picture experiences to occur infinitely in infinite forms,
Well,
I feel processing can continue on,
In infinite forms,
In infinite levels of understanding,

And well,
As for myself,
I feel I must remember to know how to properly and ethically,
Chill out,

And continue,

Breathing

I’m now 28,
And (I feel I) must sustain (if not “first access”) my ability to clearly communicate,
To advocate,
To open to whoever (also) may be just trying to empathetically relate..(?),
And if reading this feels to be helping..(?),
(And to continue rhyming..),
Then I guess that’s great!!?

And as for some additional stuff about me,
Well (for example),
If I appear “lazy”,
I feel that it does NOT (usually (if at all)) mean I’m at “peace” NOR “happy” internally,
So INSTEAD..,
There just could be something weighing within me,
And depleting my energy,
Such as frustration with failing to let go of all the “shit others did to me”,
In addition to continually feeling “misunderstood” and emotionally dismissed repeatedly,
And/or however feeling constantly judged INcorrectly,
And/or socially EXCLUDED ongoingly,

And well,
Since we may just NOT have the time,
To empathetically understand each other sufficiently clearly,
Well,
As for whatever emotions may continually arise within me,
May I just practice witnessing them as they pass,
Instead of getting more blinded by them and (as a result) coming across as another UNhinged ass,

May I once again,
Remember to practice,
Inhaling,
Exhaling,
And noticing,
During moments when the emotional intensity passes through me,
And therefore,
REDUCING chances,
Of becoming increasingly unconsciously blinded by the emotional intensity,

May I practice witnessing the emotional current,
Instead of drowning within it,
..,
May I have the ability to distinguish my awareness from my thoughts and emotions,

May I notice,
My inhale,
Exhale,
Inner expansions and contractions,
And/or (whichever) inner sensations that pass through me,
Therefore (hopefully) continually (overall) expanding my inner awareness,
Beyond my inner intense thoughts and emotions,
Which may continue to become internally sparked,
By negative narrow judgments others may continue to (however implicitly and/or explicitly) direct towards me,
(INCLUDING those with some degree of direct power over me),

Inhale,
Exhale,

Ahhhhhhhh

Sometimes,
My writing goal(s),
Will (unfortunately) focus more on number of posts,
Instead of the quality of the post,

And well,
I feel that,
The MORE I focus on numbers,
The LESS I focus on what I’m actually writing,

Same with learning,
The MORE I focus on numbers,
The LESS likely I will focus and honor,
Anything my teachers may have to offer,
That just may tremendously help me,
As I continue along my present life journey,

I guess,
Scoring high on a test,
Is worth nothing,
If I’m going to forget everything I learned,
INCLUDING,
How I “learned how to learn”,
(in the most ethical way(s) possible),
(Which (also) helped me work for the grade I just happened to “earn”..),

And well,
It seems to me that,
The MORE teachers are forced,
To emphasize the “importance” of scoring high numbers,
(Or the MORE teachers become evaluated based on test scores..),
The LESS emphasis there just may be,
On sustaining lessons worth remembering,
Since achieving high numbers will become more distracting,

Just saying,

Of course (I feel that) we all may need to be evaluated,
To a certain degree,
Yet when we evaluate (ourselves and/or others) EXCESSIVELY..,
Or..,
When MORE of our focus becomes on numbers,
The LESS our focus becomes,
On what we’re actually LEARNING to (also) “achieve those numbers”,
Which just may be,
Highly,
More important,
Than the numbers,

And in general,
I guess it’s always worth asking,
What are we really learning ?

Person #1: He’s nuts.
Person #2: Yep.
Person #1: Call an ambulance.
Person #3: Wait..
Person #1: What!?
Person #2: Yeah why “wait”!?
Person #3: He just needs sleep and social connection.
Person #1: We tried that.
Person #2: He’s chemically imbalanced, there’s nothing we can do.
Person #3: He’ll come out of this like he has before, just give him time.
Person #1: We’ve given him too much time! He needs to go back to the hospital!
Person #2: Yeah man we’re beat!!
Person #3: There’s a place upstate we can send him to, it’ll also help him come off what he’s been on.
Person #1: No, he needs his medication!
Person #2: Yes!!
Person #3: He’s been like a zombie when on it, and more unstable when off it.
Person #2: He’s a threat to himself and others without his medication!
Person #1: He can’t function without his medication!
Person #3: Not sure if that’s the only option here.
Person #1: No! It is! There’s some people who can’t function without it!
Person #2: Yeah man! Stop trying to spread conspiracy theories!
Person #1: Yeah dude! Stop spreading misinformation!
Person #2: Yeah! You’re also starting to show signs of delusion!! Jeez!
Person #3: He needs people who listen. He needs those who are emotionally there for him as he is for them.
Person #1: You are so wrong..
Person #2: Yeah dude he’s chemically imbalanced.
Person #3: Stressful social experiences have made him lose sleep and become more emotionally dysregulated and delusional. He wasn’t just “born like this”!
Person #1: I’m calling an ambulance, this is ridiculous..
Person #2: Agreed.
Person #3: More forced drugs will not help us, nor will help him acquire clearer understanding to help heal his inner roots of his mental health crises. He needs to develop awareness of emotions that pass through him to varying frequencies. He needs to increase inner awareness for spotting signs of increasing emotional dysregulation within himself in order to NOT become lost within the intense emotions. Medication can be there only for an emergency and NOT as heavily—
Person #1: Shut your mouth.
Person #2: Yeah man for real.
Person #3: He needs space, and support on a viable inner development track.
Person #1: It’s been decided, we’re calling an ambulance.
Person #2: Yup.
Person #3: Shit..
Person #1: They’re coming.
Person #3: Only he can speak for himself.
Person #2: Shut up.
Person #3: Huhhhh..

Person #1: It’s just a joke!
Person #2: Doesn’t sound like it..
Person #1: If you take everything personally you won’t be able to function.
Person #2: If you exclaim the words “fucking dunce” at me I’m likely going to take it personally.
Person #1: I didn’t mean it like that!!
Person #2: Sure..
Person #1: You really need to stop getting butthurt by everything!
Person #2: I’m just so much more polite to you.
Person #1: You make others not wanna be around you because you’re too sensitive!
Person #2: You’re such a great friend.
Person #1: Just don’t act stupid and I won’t call you a dunce.
Person #2: You meant it..
Person #1: So what dude, like there’s bigger problems to focus on..
Person #2: And how is calling each other a “dunce” going to help with teamwork?
Person #1: Shut up!
Person #2: What a surprise..

Person #1: When we’re tryna chill you act crazy.
Person #2: Damn, you’re going to use those few moments against me.. wow..
Person #1: It’s not our responsibility to keep you stable.
Person #2: Yet being an asshole about it isn’t going to help calm me down.
Person #1: Just act like a normal person alright!?
Person #2: Just don’t be an asshole alright?

Person #1 punches Person #2 who just takes it..