As for whoever I may feel a need to follow,
may they NOT lead me into another shithole,
I feel a need to find more teachings as feeling and being truly helpful

Even if I’m “full of shit”,
Even if I’m NOT “properly explaining it”,
Even if I’m deeply failing at aligning my actions with it,
Well,
I’m still going at it,

Even if I’m taking more steps up,
I may sometimes slip and tumble down,
Yet maybe I’ll have accessed and sustained more of the ability to walk back up faster,
And/or make each step with more balance and power,
In a way that’s clearer,

Even if I don’t clearly see,
Whatever others may feel a need to try telling me,
And even if I can’t clearly organize my thoughts NOR consciously step out of emotional intensity enough to clearly peacefully express myself,
Well..,
I guess I can still eventually find more peace within myself..(?),
And still keep practicing to clear more of the inner tension that emanates confusion,

Even if I can’t always connect the “best” figures of speech together in the “best” ways the describe what I feel a need to say,
Infinitely beyond what the words may ever convey,
Even if the words I choose to try to clearly organize together do not helpfully point to anything deeper to feel and/or see clearer,

Well,
At least I’m still,
Staying strong,
More than before,
As I once again take more steps,
To put myself more out there

Must I give in order to “get back”?
Must I give in order to feel a sense of “power” and have another “reason” to guilt-trip others..?

OR..,

Must I give in order to try having it feel good for me..?
Even if those more vulnerable cannot “repay” me,
?

What do I see as most needed and truth within me..?

Maybe..,
Just maybe..,
Giving,
May help me feel more gratified that I’m doing my best (in my own way) to contribute to healing those suffering..(?),

INSTEAD of verbally abusing those who I may ever be taking care of,
Well,
Maybe at least trying to find more inner peace,
Will further clear (or help me remain less lost in) that toxic inner deeply painful negativity,
So I more likely,
Remain LESS of a scumbag to those who may ever deeply depend on me,
?

I guess..(?),
May I become better at just letting the negative energy pass through me,
WITHOUT it becoming me,
WITHOUT it blinding me,
WITHOUT it building then blasting out of me..,

I ALSO feel strongly that,
Trying to force positivity will NOT help prevent toxic negativity from growing within me..,

May I just (for example) sufficiently remember to continue practicing witnessing inhaling,
Exhaling,
And (therefore hopefully) becoming more and more at peace as the negativity inevitably passes throughout me,
And/or may I (therefore) do a better job..,
At taking real steps to develop real positivity,
..,
So..,
Others may have an easier time who are forced to be around me..,

And same goes for them according to me,
And I feel that although we may need to express ourselves,
Constantly complaining about what we cannot change NOR avoid,
Just may (for example) make it additionally harder for those around us,
Nor will help inwardly heal us..(?),
Since we’re just,
Embracing negativity and emanating it externally instead of taking steps to find inner peaceful acceptance of our inevitable present reality,

I guess it’s “how we relate to it”..?

And even if I’m “full of shit”..?
Well,
At least I’m trying to helpfully form a clearer understanding of it..,

Sure,
I also feel that,
It’s okay to complain to a reasonable extent,
Of course we may all need to vent,
Yet,
How much and what’s the real effect(s) I’d guess we can ask..?

Hence,
What can really help stuff feel reasonably less painful..(?),
For all of us ?

How and what are we really “giving” ?

I want to instantly take the edge off,
And I do NOT want to destroy my internal organs,
And I guess I “can’t always get what I what”,
And when I “try” often times,
My insatiable ego..,
Is just never satisfied,

So maybe I need to try to find more peace,
In the PRECISE moments when I’m painfully dissatisfied,

Sorry for uncontrollably “trolling”,
Just..,
The energy has once again been exploding

(Source: Song: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”, (1969), Artist: “The Rolling Stones”, Album: “Let It Bleed”)

I try to become socially in sync,
Fail,
Then become toxically “individual”,

It’s back and forth..,
Back and forth..,

And (FOR ME) it’s toxic when I individually isolate because I become too disconnected in my head..,

I try..,
I try..,

It’s like..,
These other fucks just start to practice “mindfulness” and consistently meditate then all of a sudden their surface appearance appears great,
YET even among the “like-minded” folk I STILL struggle to relate..,

Man..,
And people suggest that I meet those also “autistic”..,
Shit..,
Labels don’t most deeply define me,
And regardless of labels I believe we’re all different from different categories of unique backgrounds evidently..,

Man..,
It’s just..,

Whether autistic or not,
People are scumbags..,

And when I try to keep it real others may ask..,
“Is he alright”?

And I am,
Because,
Once again,
I’m speaking my truth in a non-violent way,
And I apologize for multiple posts a day..,

Huhhh..,
Just,
Stumbling along in my own way,

Yet..,
More powerful figures just may evaluate it different..,

?

Yeah I know I gotta slow these posts down,
Yet,
I’m just trying to NOT stay shut down,

Yeap

I don’t even know how these internet algorithms work..(?),
I’m just tryna make putting myself out there at least somewhat work..,
Maybe there’s still some or a LOT of luck required regardless of how hard and smart we work..(?),
To,
In order to have what we’re intending,
feel to actually work..(?),

At least I wasn’t sent to an even more incompatible “special” school,
Nor (later on) become shut down on meds with “support” groups facilitated by someone like Nurse Ratched..,
Nor (of course) forced a lobotomy..,
Yet I still worry about certain catastrophes..,

I still worry about impacts my environments may have on me,
How those I may someday depend on may treat me..,

I just feel to be often affected uniquely for the worse unfortunately..,

Huhhh..,
If I can’t keep my balance then someone may try to force it as they see while claiming to be “helping me”,

!?

Yeah,
Even though it’s “beautiful” what humans may do to keep each other alive and “functioning”,
Kindness would ALSO be awesome,

Kindness would help keep me going..,
Kindness just may help me have more inner peaceful clearness to understand algorithms and/or however others feel a need to truly support me,

Since I (for example) wouldn’t be as distracted by verbal, emotional and/or spiritually abusive energy,
Nor of course would worry about a physical threat..,
So how am I supposed to clearly pay attention with all those types of toxic instructional distractions..!?

Even if kindness “ain’t enough”,
I feel,
It can NOT hurt me,

..,

For example,
I lose focus when those yell and curse at me,
For reasons such as,
Instead of motivating me..,
It frightens me,
It (at least eventually) makes it more likely that they’ll become my enemy..,
Who I will NOT “love” NOR acknowledge empathetically,

Oh I will try to burst back out of my shell eventually,

Huhhh..,
Those who have developed the inner peace to truly respect me,
Will MORE LIKELY help keep strong life going in me,

Those who act kind to me are MORE likely to help me access and sustain an increasing degree of my present capability,

And I guess that,
Since what we sincerely emanate externally may come from an inner energy source we may feel to be experiencing presently,
Well,
Those who give off kindness,
I’d guess are feeling more powerful inner peacefulness,

?

If there was more world cultural inner emotional healing/development emphasis..?
Would fear of war and/or brutal invasion occupations be less..?

If there was more kind social welcomeness,
Would there be less anger and less violence..?

If there was more true empathetic listening,
Would there be less psychiatric prescribing..?
Less self-medicating..?
Less.. “hospitalizing”?
Would there be clearer mutual empathetic understanding..?
Would there be more clearly measured preventative measures taken as for whatever damage could be more clearly avoided..?

I don’t even know if this is being helpfully interpreted..(?),

Welp,
Guess all I can start with,
Or consciously “reconnect” and/or “come back to”,
Is this form I’m in,
Within,

?

And if I try to preach about it,
Most likely,
Many others may just..,
Understandably,
Not want to hear it,

So,
I also feel I must sufficiently consistently ask myself,
Am I really there for others,
As they ALSO may empathetically need it..?

?

And well,
In general,
I’d say I’m just as vulnerable,

I guess(?) I can’t force this post to be helpful

If someone is “talking shit”,
I guess it depends how yuh look at it,
?

If someone is “flexing”,
Maybe they’re socially struggling,
?

And although ball busting may be tempting,
I’m not really sure if it’s truly healing,

Just wondering..?

For certain people’s skill sets,
I may have profound admiration,
Yet as for who they are as a person,
It might just add to depression..(?),
Or whatever is the presently difficult damaging emotion..(?),

I guess it’s like..(?),
Does all that hard work obliterate being a kind person..?
Does focusing on a skill set in one area take away from another..?

Or..,
Is it possible for more people to in some way develop clearer energy internally..(?),
To add to their present ability for whatever that other elite skill set of theirs might also be..?

Does clearing whatever is the “bad energy” make more room to increase whatever is our present skill set capacity..?

And even if I’m “fishing for likes”,
As my one and only “friend” (back in the day) once told me..,
Well..,
Once again..,
I’m just trying to better communicate,
To feel more connected,
And less lost in my head..,
And keep sharing..,
As for whoever may also..,
Relate,

?

In general I guess(?) I presently feel that:

How can I “just say no” if I’ve deeply come to view myself as a struggling autistic “yes-man”..?
It just does NOT always feel to be helping..,
Man..,

I guess I feel that..(?),
Many seem to have all these suggestions about what NOT to do..,
Among orders they expect me to unquestionably follow through..,
Yet..,
What do they really have to offer me as the pain keeps building within me..?

And is helping me helping them ALSO truly experience more deeply..?
Is helping me helping them let go and/or “fulfill” a need of more control that’ll never heal the emotional pain that also just may remain in them..?
..?

Are they just looking for external control to fill an inner “hole”..?
(Or whatever is the most proper metaphor..),

How will “keeping my head up” really prevent another internal emotional blow up..?
How will more and/or different psychiatric medication help me understand the deeper causes of the emotions troubling me..?
Who really is there to listen to me..?

And instead of “feeling me”..,
I worry they’ll just take my honesty destructively personally..,
How are certain others really trying to “help me”..(?),
And I guess simultaneously help themselves to truly develop more inner peaceful compassionate energy..?

?

Yep,
I guess..(?),
I just have to make more peace with more and more suggestive opinions thrown at me

?