Welp since I’m new with learning disabilities..,
Since for some reason the “select multiple” option was not showing..,
Fuck man..,
I hate having autism..,
Fuck anyone with their toxic criticism,

As for the picture I was trying to angle it..,
Doubt I’m clearly explaining it..,
Fucking dammit..,

Balance has always been a challenge for me,
Sometimes stuff is going great,
Other times stuff explodes out of me,
Causing me to fly off track back even deeper than ever into sinking sand,
Oh how I struggle to remain strong and centered as I stand,
And well..,
Keeping my head up does not always prevent toxic emotions from inwardly building up,
And sometimes I involuntarily give up,
..,
Of course I feel I must try and try to AVOID fucking up..,

And well,
Others always find something wrong with me,
They always have something to tell me that just adds to discouraging misery..,
That makes me feel that all I can do is reclusively go back into my shell,
Yet somehow I just always become imbalanced as hell,
And others may think I’m “fine” YET can they truly consciously tell..?
Maybe their world views are comforting them well..?

Yet are we truly experiencing as profoundly deeply as we can..?
Is our present capacity as limiting as what we tell ourselves and what our experiences and/or others have shaped what we believe..?

Huhhh..,
I’m always struggling to stay balanced,
And AVOID being painfully stigmatized as dangerously “imbalanced”..,
Shit..,
I just want to feel more comfortably in sync within it

Although (for me) not any single step nor “training adventure” may be an ultimate “transformation”,
It just may be a step to increase my chances of deepening a connection,
Among a trustworthy group and/or healthy way of connecting and experiencing more fulfillingly deeply,

Although not all groups NOR subgroups may function as “perfectly”,
Well,
At least they may be trying to find and experience more meaning,
In a way that’s (for example),
For themselves and/or others,
Profoundly contributing to the continual healing of human suffering and the advancement of human sentient functioning,

Although there may be certain instances where stuff goes horrifically WRONG,
And least the intent may have been and may continue to be profoundly RIGHT,

Hence,
Sometimes I need to take a risk,
To go off on a journey,
Among others who feel a need to travel along the same path, (Among any path(s)),
To discover,
Experience,
And feel,
Continually,
Gratifyingly,
Increasingly,
Deeply

Sometimes living without seeking to deeply understand my present beingness feels unfulfilling and meaningless,
And although others may be okay with this,
I still feel a need,
To at least try to feel and/or understand more deeply,
In order to help me find the inner peaceful,
Clear and free strength,
To truly excel at any career AND/OR spiritual path I choose to take,

And yes,
I believe there’s not “one right way”,
I believe,
We may all have our own challenges,
We may all function and react differently,

And as for me,
I find gratification when I feel I understand and connect more deeply with this physical form I’ve been blessed to manifest in presently

I think that it seems,
some function fine surfacely,
while others may feel a need to understand more deeply and/or elaborately,

And either way,
I feel it’s all good,
and we’re all part of,
And/or manifest out of,
The same deeper conscious energy

Even if everyone disagrees,
I still feel,
I must remain strong,
In the truth I see,
As presently most compatible for me,

Too often,
I feel I’m FAR nicer to most others than they are to me,
And when I try to be honest with how I feel they are towards me,
Their confidence will gaslight,
“Justify”,
Intimidate and overpower me,
Causing me to cower back into my shell of reclusively filming juggling videos instantly,
Or whatever hobby,
Feelings and ways of experiencing,
That cuts me off socially,
And makes my life feel LESS worth experiencing,
As a result of being shut-down,
As a result of receiving so much unbearable negativity from others that crushes me internally,
As a result of trying to align myself in truthful honest expression which I initially felt to be a life more worth living,

Yes,
I like writing and being honest in the politest and/or most civilized ways I can,
Yet other more powerful egos and networks of them,
Want me to remain in my apathetic socially isolated shell,

And well,
As for juggling,
Not that filming juggling videos is “wrong”,
It’s just,
For me,
I feel that including other paths just may be a better fit for me,

I feel (in addition to whatever other practices help me look and experience more gratifyingly deeply) writing helps me look more deeply and better align myself with the truth I see,
And although as a result..,
More and more others may feel “threatened” and turn on me,
I feel I’ll still feel more fulfilled if I at least try,
To align and/or expand my awareness,
With a perpetual present moment,
That I feel to be,
So much more truthfully worth experiencing for me,

And well,
Aside from my intention to do my best to peacefully and civilly address mistreatment from others UNfairly directed at me,
Well,
Essentially,
I feel I’m a nice person,
And well,
I’m just NOT going to keep taking it,
I feel I must AT SOME POINT such as RIGHT NOW live the truth that I see as most presently morally gratifying for me,
..,
Hence,
I’m not going to let those with direct power over me,
Among anybody,
Displace misery (that I did NOT cause) onto me,

And here is a quote that remains important to me:

“The unexamined life is not worth living”, (Socrates),
(Source: “Socrates Quotes.” Brainy Quote, http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/socrates_101168#:~:text=Socrates%20%2D%20The%20unexamined%20life%20is%20not%20worth%20living. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php))

And even if my life feels “not worth living”,
I will still keep going,
I’ll still keep living,
And I’ll always continue trying,
To NEVER stop trying,
At more deeply examining the present life I’m experiencing,
In order to expand my awareness in ways far more fulfillingly liberating,

And even if most (if not all) others hate me,
As a result of me trying to align myself with the truth I see,
..,
Well,
I still would rather fail INSTEAD of never trying to experience the life that I feel most worth experiencing,

At least I can try,
And well,
I’m glad that I completed this other WordPress.com blog post of trying to examine the present physical sentient manifestation I’m presently in,
By putting into words to the best of my ability,
The truth I presently see,
In order to (and NOT to sound arrogant..) preserve (or pass on) what I view as I guess “realizations”,
That just may help me and/or whoever may prefer to read what I have written to at least attempt to feel they are living a life more worth experiencing,

Thanks for reading

I feel that it is UNethical to be forced medication in order to control myself so the emotional pain others exacerbated in me by mistreating me does not dangerously erupt out of me when the next form of disrespect breaks my back,

In other words,
Yes,
I feel that,
Self-control is important,
Maybe I’ll take medication AS NEEDED,
My anger towards others I felt hurt by is VALID,
Yet,
As for those painful memories NOT making me dangerously lose it,
Well,
I feel there are proper and/or more humane ways to truly LET GO of painful memories of feeling mistreated by others that can emotionally dysregulate me if I do NOT know how to consciously prepare myself when their energy painfully arises again within me,

I seek a healthy way to let go of what troubles me,
I FEAR forced treatment,
Punishment,
And/or being locked up in any environment that may be horrifically additionally TOXIC for me as a RESULT of others being “kept safe” from me during moments when painful memories of others acting cruel to me causes me to become increasingly emotionally dysregulated and appear as a “threat to civilized society”,

Instead of being brutally controlled,
I want to feel heard,
I want to feel understood,
And welcomed along a deep inner healing journey,

I want to let go of the pain I struggle to clear repeatedly,
In a way most deeply meaningfully helpful for me,

And I wish the same for anybody,

And although I believe in law and order,
I would NOT want to become stuck on anything similar and/or worse than “Kendra’s Law” NOR “Assisted Outpatient Treatment” (AOT) which I see as a euphemism for “assistance” with FORCED TREATMENT,
(Source: Whitaker, Robert, and Michael Simonson. “Twenty Years After Kendra’s Law: The Case Against AOT.” Mad in America, 14 July 2019, http://www.madinamerica.com/2019/07/twenty-years-kendras-law-case-aot/. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),

I instead (for myself and others),
Hope that violence is more properly prevented for us all,
And that ways of letting go of pain in order to NOT go insane,
Are inclusive,
Welcoming,
Compassionate and humane

I feel that for one,
Since what I do adds up,
Well,
I can keep abiding by others who want me to always “shut up”,
OR,
I can try to develop and sustain the inner peaceful self-control needed to consciously and safely keep trying to STAND in my TRUTH and NEVER give up!
And here’s what I wrote additionally:

Even though I strongly feel I just must when needed,
Know,
How to say “NO”,
..,
Well,
Those who are LESS learning disabled and LESS socially challenged and (for whatever reasons) MORE confident,
May just be POWERFULLY persistent,

(And well,
Even those with the SAME labels,
ALSO,
If they’ve lived a life more developmentally compatible,
Maybe found and came from a comfortable place in the mainstream..,
May also confidently overpower me,
So yes,
I feel that just because we may have the same “disability” does not mean I can trust them to any greater degree..),

Aside from that,
I still somewhat remember,
When I once told my friend group leader that I did not want to keep buying him lunch,
He had another friend also instruct me to keep complying with his orders for me,
Sometimes he’d turn the group against me,
Had me throw out everyone’s garbage almost daily..,
And sure,
Even though there were times he was also nice to me,
(Like how he once told my friend to not take his anger towards my brother out on me..),
Well,
He STILL just did not have a similar level of socially debilitating anxiety that I could see..(?),

I just feel overpowered,
By so many,
So easily,

When I’d ask to quit,
To find a different path I may presently feel as a better fit,
Others just would NOT allow it,
And well,
Since I’d feel bad if they were to turn on me and become my enemy,
Well,
I just,
Could NOT say “no”,

And I do NOT say “no” because I’m afraid of going back to isolation,
Increasing chances of dangerous delusional social disconnection (which may be exacerbated by sleep deprivation.. and possibly side-effects of forced medication..? (I guess we all react differently evidently..(?))),,
Yet sometimes I’d rather stay isolated instead of always getting my balls busted..,
And when I’m honest to them about how they treat me,
Oh how they shut me down completely,

When I get more and more honest,
They go more and more crazy,
Because my truth challenges their egos,
Because it exposes their egos mistreatment of me,
And their egos just can NOT stand criticism of me,
Because their egos stand to sustain control over me,
Because their egos can NOT stand staying on the receiving end,
They want to have power over me,
They want to mistreat me,
How others have mistreated them,
Which may date back to how species were emotionally damaged by harsh environmental conditions..(?),

And well,
If I want to survive and avoid worse conditions,
I just have to say “NO”,

Yes..,
I may always FAIL to AVOID those who want to keep me shut down in my shell..,
Still..,
I feel I must peacefully,
civilly YET firmly say NO!!
EVEN THOUGH I may get an aggressive reaction,
Still,
Standing in my truth,
May help me feel more powerful liberation,

?

People may confidently be themselves around me,
Yet I ALSO have the right to live how I see truthfully,

People may confidently say “no” to me,
Yet,
I ALSO feel I have the RIGHT to align myself with the truth I clearly presently see

The more I block out pain,
the less I’m able to make peace with it,
Hence,
in addition to preferring a longer life expectancy,
a reason to NOT do excessive drugs (prescribed or not) is in order to know how to develop the inner peace required to suffer LESS when pain inevitably arrives (such as in older age and/or whenever in life..),
And since I believe pain to be inevitable,
the LESS we fight it, and the more we accept it,
the less pain we’ll feel while the pain encounters us,
Since acceptance may imply peace,
While we resist what gives us pain..,

I would guess..?

However,
whether it’s breath work,
meditation,
“mindfulness”,
inner awareness and/or whichever ethical spiritual path may just be most presently compatible for whichever individual,
well,
I feel that this takes years and years of practice,
Regardless,

And well,
I feel the more likely I am to experience painful emotions,
And/or (for example) the more pain my emotions give me,
The more susceptible I’ll be to block that pain out instantly,
Even if that entails not learning how to handle it,
As for whenever I may experience the pain later on,

So as for at least trying to develop increasing acceptance of inevitable pain along whichever path I personally may see as most presently fit,
Well,
I’d say I must,
Keep trying to keep sticking with it,

And I feel I must NOT go too slow NOR too fast,
It’s,
However I presently consciously feel as best

If I’m taking everything personally,
What does that say about me?
Could it be..?
I haven’t let go of feelings largely resulting from people mistreating me..?
Maybe a deeper layer of a painful memory (or plenty of painful memories..) are back to presently bother me..?
Causing me to react to whatever I interpret as “disrespect” aggressively..?
To “make up for” all the times I “kept taking it”?

If I’m taking everything personally,
What does that say about me?
Could it be..?
I’m deeply insecure..?
Have low self-esteem..?
Egoic self-esteem that is painfully never satisfied..?
A painful psychologically damaging internal critic..?
And therefore can NOT stand to control myself when perceiving others as additionally mean and/or emotionally toxic for themselves and/or others (such as me) in their presence..?

If I’m taking everything personally,
Could it be since I’m so hard on myself already,
That I’m so used to and tired of criticism?
Therefore I always assume others are being toxically critical?
And since all that negative critical energy may be filling me,
I guess I may be more reactive to even a SLIGHT increase of it..?
NOR have the inner peaceful clearness necessary to realize that I just do NOT need to be so offended by what others have to tell me!!?

If I’m taking everything personally,
What does that say about me?
Could it be..?
That although I may have healed certain inner layers of certain painful memories,
That there may still be deeper unhealed layers,
That may strongly arise within me (even of the same memory such as of my baseball coach implicitly calling me “stupid” in front of everybody, and/or that other time when all of those others could not stop powerfully laughing at me when I didn’t find it funny..(?))..,
?
Whenever something even slightly reminds me of those types of hurtful memories during a time the memory is once again bothering me just be another reason I get triggered so personally..?

I guess,
There’s always a deeper layer to see (if not “heal”) clearer..,
And I guess..,
Inner processing goes on forever,
?

Yet,
May inner peaceful processing overall help us develop,
Stronger and stronger,

And I guess,
The more emotional painful layers we are able to clear and/or are able to clearly anticipate when they arise..,
I guess..(?),
The stronger we’ll be,
To truly NOT get emotionally derailed as easily..,

So I feel trying to continually developing clear conscious inner peaceful awareness,
Will really help me,
Take LESS and LESS stuff destructively emotionally personally,

Yet of course practicing may NOT come easy,
And I just may keep taking shit personally that more painfully deeply reminds me of that other painful memory..?

Yet if I at least try to notice my breath and inner sensations and NOT resist the present moment (and/or memories inevitably arising in me) by (therefore) adding present resistance inner tension..,
Overall (I guess?) I may still (more likely) feel better,
If I can just CHILL,
Just notice and peacefully accept inner emotional sensations and/or reactions I can NOT change..,
And hopefully as a result take stuff,
LESS,
Personally,
..,
Since I’ll (more likely) be more at peace and LESS likely to explosively resist painful emotions (through creating more unbearable inner resistance tension) that may have exploded due to taking something personally,
So essentially,
NOT resisting yet peacefully noticing my breath, inner sensations and emotions that inevitably pass through me may REDUCE my chances of reacting destructively..,
?

And instead of taking it personally,
Even when someone aggressively tells me to “STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY!!”,
Maybe I can eventually learn to NOT lose myself in their critical energy,
And INSTEAD truly take bullshit,
Less personally,

?

And although I just may keep taking shit personally..,
Well..,
I still feel more healthy inner peaceful social connection and/or whatever peaceful and clear internal sensations,
Remains for me a hopeful possibility,
Including more feeling more inner peacefulness and LESS crazy destructiveness,

I guess ?

I guess,
Even if we’re incompatible,
We can still be loveable,
Understanding and understandable,

Even if we’re incompatible,
Well,
I guess we’re still trying to somehow be helpful,
Still trying to access new gratifying ways,
In which we never initially viewed ourselves as capable

?