Hey man,
I’m going to miss you scratching at my door,
I’m going to miss you keeping me company when I needed it so deeply in a world with so many who just may so often misunderstand me,

Yet this is NOT about blaming anybody,
I trust that the man who accidentally killed you with his car was painfully struggling too,

Yet to try keeping focus on you,
I just never knew,
That before you left on an adventure with my mom among others down to the Outer Banks,
That well..,
Shit,
Although words may never describe it..,
And even though you may still come back to me in spirit,
..(?),
I just never thought that moments before you left to go off on an adventure,
That it would be,
The last time I’d ever have you here with me,

AHHHHHHH!!!

I even remember not being sure if you left with them..,
And even though it may have relieved me of some small level of stress finding out you were safe with them like SO MANY times before,
Well,
Having heard this,
Just fills me with so much more darkness..,

I just was not expecting this at all,
NOT at all,

And well,
Although I’d often worry about you staying safe with your silly exuberant energy and/or (at other times) deep emotional intensity,

Still,
Just still,
Thanks for truly being there for me,
And even if there were several false alarms,
Thank you for STILL,
NEVER hesitating to defend me,

Yeah I worry about danger too,
And me inevitably remaining in the changing state(s) of this planet..,
Regardless of the causes since this is NOT the time to lose myself talking about all that…,

And although I can NOT speak for you,
I also want to feel “bigger”,
“better” and overall more truly listened to,

And I’m sorry if I was NOT always there for you,
I’m sorry if my obsessive compulsiveness,
Writing and/or juggling goals did NOT fulfill your needs of my presence,
I’m DEEPLY TRULY SORRY if I should have and easily could have acknowledged you more than I did,
I’m sorry if I hurt you in any ways I may have,

And well,
I’d say it’s fair to say,
For me,
This just may be,
Hell,

..,

Even though I expected you back here today with me,
Even though I was instead informed of the horrifically unexpected,
A part of me just wants you to stay here with me permanently,
And I wish,
I wish to encounter you again,
I wish to be with you again in this inseparable sea of life energy,

And even though this was my choice,
Just seeing the last pictures of you before,
And you then laying there in your little vest that I’ll always remember..,
Shit..,
I just want a savior,

And as for whatever truth I presently see,
And even if some “old man up in the sky” will never peacefully reunite us thanks to me failing to worship him “perfectly”,
Well,
Although I want more,
I UNAPOLOGETICALLY feel that,
You are here,
And spiritually inseparable from me,

And regardless of my deep hopeless negativity that I fail to clear within this form I’m in ongoingly,
Well,
I hope and trust that I’ll be happy again eventually,

Regardless of the spiritual “reality”,
I so damn hope that deeper life energy can be a healing force for me,

And when I think of ever trying again to successfully realign myself with a deeper spirit which we both just may have come from(?),
I just may,
Quite deeply,
Feel your presence with me,

Although,
You were once a physical sentient manifestation in the form of a little pet dog I’ve known over seven years,
I believe you to ALWAYS be an inseparable form of life energy..,
..,
And even though a lot of pain may still deeply remain within me and my autistic history,
Even though I have been trying to drink less lately,
The most beautifully pieced together words will NEVER describe how hard this truly is for me,

And even though I’ll try my best to preserve your memory,
I just struggle so damn much re-visiting all those pictures and videos,
And awaiting to see your empty bed and abandoned pink squeaky toy..,

Ohh fuck them who conveniently judge sensitive beings such as us by calling and/or viewing us as “soy boys”,
“mama’s boys”..etc..,
And even though I believe in trying to have compassion for those who provoke me deeply..,
And even though I feel a deep part of me does NOT intend for this to painfully polarize anybody..,
well..,
Even though you were “just a dog”,
I’ll just say,
Thank you for being one of the better male sentient beings in my life,

And the lessons you have taught me,
Have impacted me so much more deeply,
Than any of those trying to “break me down and build me up” in order to “properly develop me”,
Because essentially,
Your fun entertaining presence has given me healing energy,

And right now I miss you so fucking deeply..,

And of course..,
Once again,
without getting too lost in aggressively sharing an opinion,
..,
…….,
…,

Shit,
I’m just at a fucking loss right now,
..,
I don’t know..,
Even if my ego thinks it “has the answer”,

I just want you here,

I just want you here,

Yet wherever you are,

We’re here,
We’re in this together

I feel,
That this is largely about,
Struggling to accept that,
People are NOT always as emotionally observant as required for them to be in order to treat others kindly,
(Including (unfortunately) when needed most..),

However,
As I tried to make clear in my post “Maybe this is Clear, Maybe it’s Not” (posted on April 3rd, 2023),
That well,
One’s present emotional capacity CAN evolve..,
If not tragically devolve..,
And still,
Well..,
Here’s more stuff I believe to presently feel:

However often on my blog,
When I try to express stuff,
And/or attempt to be however literally and/or figuratively creative,
I guess it’s reasonable to say,
That..,
I’m trying more to LET LOOSE than be “politically correct”,

And even though (in general) I try to properly,
Respectfully and morally communicate myself..,
Too often what I try to make clear I feel gets misunderstood,
And/or interpreted way more narrowly than I feel it should..,
And/or just,
Causes so much damn confusion,
Giving me frustration,
That I additionally struggle to clear and/or become at peace with while noticing “inner body sensations”,

And how can we really know political and/or factual “correctness” if we weren’t there NOR had the same experiences..(?),

Yet aside from that,
I may do my best to clearly inform and/or remind others where I’m coming from,
Especially if they have had a toxic interpretation of what I said,
And/or may have took it too personally,
And well,
Even when I try to make myself clear,
Sometimes many others may spiral into a completely different misunderstanding..(?),
Which I usually just find more frustrating..,

(Although these may need work, here are some dialogic hypotheticals of people not understanding):

Hypothetical #1:

Me: I just hate saving money because I’m making so little and why work my ass off for a life that’s miserable..?
Person: Well that’s all the more reasons to save.
Me: I’m not saying saving money is bad, yet since I’m making so little, and since I’m living with my mom, I’ll INSTEAD feel motivated to make MORE before I ever start saving. I want to earn more FIRST.
Person: You have to save money though!
Me: Yes I know.., My point was that I’m just saving up for a miserable life..
Person: But if you don’t save your life will be EVEN MORE MISERABLE.
Me: I KNOW!!
Person: So why you talking like that!?
Me: Because I’m frustrated with my life.
Person: Do I need to call the police!? You now feeling suicidal!?
Me: No.. I’m just trying to vent that’s all..

Hypothetical #2:

Person: Yo bro you can’t let the past hold you back.
Me: Well I just wanted to express some stuff that’s been weighing in me.
Person: But if you let the past keep holding you back you’ll never move forward!
Me: Well I just believe in accountability. So many have always treated me like shit. And well, since I write stuff.. Yeah I revisit those memories which may sometimes cause certain intense emotions to arise. Yet in time I can control it, and sometimes as of now, I just like to get stuff off my chest.
Person: But you can’t let it hold you back. You just can’t.
Me: Look, I struggle letting stuff go. It just doesn’t come easily.
Person: You just have to let it go though.
Me: WHAT I MEANT is that since I can’t just magically flip a switch and clear out all my painful memories, they still arise within me and I sometimes feel a need to vent my frustration to someone who will listen.
Person: But I’m telling you what you NEED TO HEAR, which is that you MUST not let your past hold you back.
Me: You’re not understanding.
Person: Neither are you.
Me: You call yourself a friend!? All you have to offer is criticism! I’m just trying to vent!
Person: You’re crazy!
Me: Wow.. I see you’re a real “brother”.
Person: Once you get your shit together hit me up.
Me: Fuck off!!

Hypothetical #3:

Person: Do not ever threaten to kill anyone!
Me: I did NOT mean it like that! And the guy is a celebrity! Definitely has a large highly trained security force. So therefore what power do I really have!?
Person: Don’t threaten to kill anyone.
Me: Holy shit I never meant it that literally.
Person: So don’t ever say it then.
Me: But I’m allowed to express anger towards those in power who I view as toxic scumbags.
Person: But you’re not allowed to say you want to kill anyone.
Me: You’re interpreting what I was trying to say too literally.. Or I guess narrowly.. I was just trying to vent..
Person: Never say you want to kill anyone.
Me: You really don’t understand.

Hypothetical #4:

Person: You don’t understand.
Me: I was just being honest.
Person: Look, you have to find something you’ll excel at. And no one will give you special treatment because you have “autism” or whatever the fuck.
Me: That’s not what I meant.
Person: You sure?
Me: One, if I don’t feel inspired, it’s not for me.
Person: So make yourself inspired!!
Me: I’ve tried!!
Person: No you have not!
Me: You don’t know that.
Person: I know that you just look to blame others instead of taking any responsibility!
Me: I just had some stuff I felt a need to share! I did NOT mean to blame anyone for my conditions and I want to follow the path that I see as fit!
Person: So why don’t you stop whining and get your shit together so you’ll be well on your way?
Me: Look, maybe I “don’t understand a lot” but you ALSO have NOT lived my life so stop being a jerk!
Person: Well you’re being a snowflake. And I’m keeping it real with you.
Me: And I am keeping it REAL with YOU.
Person: Just get your shit together alright!?
Me: Go fuck yourself Sargent Ballsack.
Person: Real mature..
Me: Oh and I see you’re deeply enlightened as well.

Hypothetical #5:

Person: I have firsthand evidence that people treat you the same way they treat everyone else.
Me: I feel that depends on the person. Yet for one I’ve always struggled with emotional dysregulation and social skills which I feel has made me an easier target for bullying.
Person: No.. People treat you just fine. You just interpret it as “disrespect”. You even get offended if someone gives you a dirty look. You blow stuff way out of proportion.
Me: Well some stuff just happens to be the straw that breaks my back. And well, I try so hard to be a nice guy.
Person: I disagree.
Me: Why..?
Person: You make people not want to be around you.
Me: They just don’t want to hear the honest truth of how mean they are. They’d rather me remain as the anxious quiet guy whose balls they can have a fun time busting repeatedly.
Person: Bullshit.. You just act crazy. And you tell your mom stuff–
Me: Because my mom is a better friend than you.
Person: Stop flexing.
Me: I thought you wanted honesty!?
Person: No.. you’re just being an ass. And I’m telling you how it is.
Me: But that’s your opinion that I disagree with. I’m also allowed to speak my truth.
Person: You mean your delusion..?
Me: Oh fuck you.

Okay so..,
Not sure if I’ll add more.., nor if that’s exactly “how people talk”..,
Yet..,
Well,
The more misunderstood I feel,
The more likely I may be to feel alone, sad and therefore go “crazy”,
And well,
If and when I continue to act “crazy”,
Being told I’m “crazy” may make me feel even more dismissed and misunderstood,
..,
So if people would just be like “I feel you” (even if they mostly do not..),
It does NOT mean they may be “promoting” the crazy things I’m expressing,
It just means they can at least try to EMPATHIZE.., and that even if they’re deeply emotionally distant and oblivious of someone like me.., at least they try to care..,

And well,
More ideally speaking (I guess..),
Being heard,
More understood,
Helps bring me back to feeling more socially connected and less lost in delusion in my thought overloading head..,

Yet as for certain people and situations who I fail to avoid that can easily toxically raise my stress level into a dangerous sleep-deprived emotionally dysregulated state,
Who I always may have to keep explaining and repeating myself towards..,
Such as,
“I’m just venting”..,

Huhh..,

And well due to something I just have heard I’m now going to end this by discussing this:

Even though shit happens..,
Even though so many others have shit going on in their lives..,
Even though the man was completely sober,
Allegedly struggling in ways that are none of my business..,
Well..,

Shit..,

I just found out my dog was hit by a car in OBX (aka: The “Outer Banks of North Carolina”)..,
And well..,

Even though the culprit felt terrible,
Even though back in 2017 I once accidentally killed a fox that dashed out in front of the car I was driving while sober..,
Even though everyone completely did not mean for this to occur..,
Even though I must keep “showing up” prepared the next day..,

Well,
I want to thank the police officer among whoever else who helped provide the amount of context to those of us now grieving the loss of our beautiful sentient being..,

(And I’m glad the shelter saved him to come live with my family who helped provide him a better life UNlike where he came from that was prepared to kill the excess (including him) at the Puppy Mill..),

Well..,
I want to wish him well on his journey,
He’s been through a lot of shit,
Always had a positive loving spirit,
More naturally developed than so many humans..,
And well..,

Even though I can also be more compassionate to those who I felt treated me like shit,
I’m really going to miss his spirit..,
I’m just at a fucking loss of words..,
And well,
My blessings go to him,

For always being there,
For having that kind,
Deeply emotionally enthusiastic observant energy just come naturally..,
And even though he may not have been nearly as “intelligent”,
Well..,
He knew how to be truly fucking present,

And even if this post is full of typos well I just presently lack the focus to revise this..,
Yet I felt a damn need to share this..,

He will be missed,
And well,
His beingness,
His lovable excitable emotional energy,
Has been there for me oh so deeply,
So yeah,
NO words NOR songs NOR any forms of “beautifully magnificently profound” expression can precisely describe how hard this is hitting me

Although while living freely out of my shell,
because I struggle socially,
I may unintentionally push others away,
YET I still have to try,
because if I let others shut me down my whole life,
I will NOT be living nearly as truthfully and/or NOT nearly as meaningfully in alignment with what I see as most fit for me,

So I’d rather try and fail miserably,
Than remain shut down perpetually,

And even if (as a result) more end up “NOT liking me”,
And/or want to “beat the shit out of me”,
And/or preferred how quiet I was previously..,
Well,
I still feel I have to keep trying to remain in alignment with what I see my deeper self manifesting as truthfully

I guess..?
The more stressful our environment is,
the harder it is,
to remain at peace within ourselves,
and amongst each other,

?

And I guess that..,
Doesn’t mean stuff can’t function easier,

Largely because,
I still feel,
More fulfilling capability,
Can be increasingly accessed,

Infinitely

Since I’ve been labeled at age five as “on the spectrum”,
Well,
Just thought I’d talk about and/or attempt to repeat (hopefully clearer.. if not just (in another way) re-mention) points I’ve already tried to make..,
Such as in my post “Can’t Define Me” which I posted here to WordPress.com on January 14th, 2022),

So therefore I presently understand I feel that:

Whether “on the spectrum” or not,
Whether one is “more sensitive” than the other or not,
I presently believe,
That our emotional capacity,
Is mostly affected,
By how we’ve (to whatever degree consciously or unconsciously) reacted and/or have been shaped by experiences that of course,
Impacted us emotionally..,

For example,
Did we try to suppress painful emotions within ourselves,
Causing us to become more closed-off emotionally within ourselves including towards others trying to emotionally be heard..?

Or..,
As for an antithetical (or directly opposite..(?)) example..,
Did intense emotional experiences teach us how to make peace within when the strong emotions would arise within us(?),
That may also have given us an ability,
To help others find peace when struggling emotionally..,
?
Since what’s within ourselves (such as emotional awareness or UNawareness),
I feel,
Can also be passed onto others surrounding us..,
?

So honestly..,
Even if those on the “autism spectrum” may be regarded as having greater “emotional sensitivity”,
Well,
I feel a much MORE significant developing/changing “emotional capacity” determining factor,
Is,
One’s repeated emotional responses to various experiences shaping their emotional character..,

And I don’t even know if what I tried to say up there was clear..,

?

Anyway..,
And to be honest,
Well,
I believe that (for example) how one tended to react to his/her/theirs geographic and/or social environment over a long period of time,
Is largely what shaped (and continues to at least somewhat shape) that sentient being’s present emotional capacity..,

For example,
Surviving intense climatic conditions giving us physical survival skills WHILE ALSO types of emotional responses that we may respond to in ways that develop who we emotionally become..,
Including..,
How our ancestors developed,
Emotional/behavioral traits causing emotional reactions within us THAT we uniquely react to shaping us over our emotionally changing lifespan..(?),
Including surrounding others,
Who (for example),
May or may not have felt a need to force us a level of medication however frequent or not..,
And/or who may have properly felt a need to guide us on an inner peaceful development path,
However frequently or not..,

Maybe this is clear,
Maybe it’s not..?

And well (I feel) this also (of course) includes systems of dominant underlying emotional capacities that developed over time..,
Such as (if I remember correctly) what I additionally tried discussing in my posts titled “Traumatized Hierarchy” (posted here on January 28th, 2022) and “Post-Traumatic Culture” (posted here on August 28th, 2022)..,
Yet maybe this post here (I hope..) can be another way to view dominant and/or an individual’s changing emotional capacities..,

?

For example,
Are we part of an organized “path of emotional and spiritual development for cultivating more truly compassionate human beings”..?
And/Or,
Is the path to “truth” to block out emotion in order to not feel bad while killing others who are allegedly “evil”..,

?

And I apologize if the above was controversial (and therefore may remove it if so and/or because of whatever..),
Yet,
I intended for them to be (at least some type of) hypotheticals,
And as for any emotions that I may have and be triggering,
Well,
How one responds to them (including emotions in me when writing this (speaking for myself))..,
May therefore shape my,
Ongoingly changing emotional capacity..?
..,
And as for an organization’s accountability,
And “determining” an organization’s “credibility”,
Well,
I feel (for example) that depends on the number of and/or level of severity of any given scandal(s)..,

And (I feel that) certain organizations that are less armed,
Less politically powerful,
and intend to promote peace..,
Just might be LESS feared and easier targets for criticism when something NOT going as expected (NOR functioning as claimed to be) is made public..(?),
But yes,
I feel..,
We must always avoid manipulation..,
And escape in a lifeboat IF (for example) some knucklehead sneaks into some powerful leadership position that gives off a reputation that sinks a whole ship that took several years, decades, centuries, millenniums (and/or however longer) to beautifully construct..,
And now I’m rambling too off topic..,
Huhhhhhh..,

Okay,
just to throw it out there,
Well..,
For one,
Even though this might somewhat effect how one starts off,
I would say that being “ON” or “OFF” the “autism spectrum” is NOT nearly as big of an emotional capacity determining factor as how one’s life experiences affected choices they’ve made that shaped and continue to shape who they are,

So once again,
I therefore do NOT believe in judging anyone,
Such as their “emotional capacity”,
By their labels and/or lack of labels..,

Hence I believe there’s so much more,
To someone than how they’ve been labeled surfacely,

And as for paths we may ever choose to take and/or continue along,
People to trust,
“Scandals” the fearful mainstream may “expose”,
Well,
On any journey we choose to take,
I believe,
Whether we feel it was an essential step in a “transformative” direction,
Or a complete “scam” that “deserves” mainstream attention,
Well,
I feel,
That largely has to do,
With how we continue to respond to it emotionally,

Maybe we can embark while whining,
Constantly complaining and letting our minds take us deeper into discouraging misery,
Or,
We can try to see how we can experience it truthfully more deeply,

Yet (for example) regardless of whatever we read,
Watched,
Heard,
Been told,
Expect..,

Well,
I guess that,
There’s always some degree of uncertainty,
That awaits us,
Whenever and wherever we go next,

On our journey

?

“Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you’re honest with them. Then you’re an asshole.” (George Carlin),
(Source: “George Carlin > Quotes > Quotable Quote.” Goodreads, http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9996285-everyone-appreciates-your-honesty-until-you-re-honest-with-them-then. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),

And well,
Yes,
I presently feel that:
It’s possible to be kind and honest at the same time,
Although,
That (for some if not many) may take years and years of proper inner peace development to have and sustain the inner clarity to clearly kindly communicate what we feel needs to be heard,

So being an honest asshole,
Just may be,
Quite understandable,

And honestly,
I just may,
However often,
Be and/or have at times been another one..(?),

And quite certainly,
Many others have been one to me,
And just may be continually,

Regardless,
I believe in freedom of honest expression,
And I feel we’re all accountable

(Disclaimer: Only read if preferred: For one,
I haven’t figured out how to do endnotes on WordPress.com..,
(When I copy and paste with or “without formatting” the endnotes have not seemed to paste properly..),
And if it’s obvious then welp that’s another reason why having learning disabilities frustrates me…
And the citations may not be necessary (nor be in the right spot, nor pertain to precisely what I’m trying to make clear, however I did include some sources in parentheses..)),

Also,
For one,
I can focus on comfortably pleasing the heavily solidified narrative of others,
Pretending stuff does not exist that I instead truly feel needs to be addressed and/or off my chest,
And even if whichever others I may receive an honest hurtful reaction from,
Well,
Just thought I’d try to do my best to word how a significant part of me feels to truly see this,
With the hope of us mutually compassionately understanding where we’re coming from:

Sometimes (if not often) I feel that what “works” for most has a bad affect on me,
And as for survival and emotional regulation,
well,
If I understand correctly..,
that puts me in far greater jeopardy,

Maybe others feel getting cursed at “builds them up”,
Yet for me,
It just makes me want to fuck up those who are criticizing me..,
Because instead of “awakening” me..,
Too often,
Popular forms of criticism increase obsessive insecurity that holds me back UNLIKE the others it “helps build up”..,

Huhh..,
There’s just so much that provokes me,
Last night someone (also “on the spectrum”) told me that he essentially has lost all patience for stupidity,
And that so many others he feels are “caricatures” of humans even though they are humans themselves..,
And well I can’t disagree,
Including with what a community college professor of mine said at the end of the semester that “stupid people make our life harder”,
And well..,
I also wish people (including myself) would be less resistant of the present and therefore more peaceful and LESS negatively judgmental..,

(I guess(?) the more I resist the moment,
The more I build and carry inner tension that weighs within me,
And may more likely add stress to those around me..?
And to be at peace,
Instead of fighting,
(ideally and/or most practically speaking),
I guess I can start by noticing my breathing even if I’m not sitting still “meditating”..),

And well,
For one,
Even if we intend to insult a person while knowing they won’t understand it,
Well,
Hearing another’s wish to insult whoever also makes me feel more negative and insecure about myself,
Especially since I would NOT be surprised if other highly aware and intelligent others often did and continue to do that to me,
Knowing I wouldn’t get offended because I would “not understand”..,
And/or if I did understand I’d be too anxious and intimidated to confront them..,
And well..,
Quite often I try NOT to understand what I feel will make me offended if I catch on..,
Which is another reason I shut myself down,
And often avoid eye contact so I don’t become more offended by someone’s aggressive frown..,
Oh how they just may see me as and just call me to my face a straight-up “clown”,
(Or whatever it is.. that word just happened to rhyme..),

Haaahh..,
I even remember,
Before this very author largely inspired me to write,
I remember (along with one other partner) screwing up a Sherman Alexie Jr.’s short story book class presentation,
And then blocking out a comment that same community college professor of mine made that got the class laughing,
Because if I heard what he said to me and my partner in front of everyone I just may have much more likely been more publicly humiliated through involuntarily displaying a panic attack..(!?),
And well,
Even though at the end of that same class he aggressively snatched the following group presentation response slip of paper out of my hand,
Even though on the very first day of the semester he handed back my learning disability paperwork and confidently told me to speak to him “after class” causing me to view him as an ass..,
Yet well,
I guess I must give credit to him,
For introducing me to a writer who’d later immensely help inspire me to attempt to become one myself,
And even if I’m failing miserably,
Been “socially promoted” academically,
Use my “generalized anxiety”,
“ADHD” and “mild autism” as a “crutch” immorally excessively..,
Well..,
I still feel that a lot of good can be found and came to me out of his class..,
(Including writing evidently..),

And well,
Him implicitly guilt-tripping our class (on the first day) by openly questioning,
“If you don’t like reading, then, why are you in college?”,
And even though my initial plan was to quit juggling once college started,
Yet the anxious obsessive compulsiveness was still troubling me..,
And luckily I did get the learning support I needed,
But even though I was first offended by his various forms of honesty,
At least it still just may have helped me set foot on a path more truly compatible for me..,
And no one is perfect obviously..,

And as I wrote here initially:
I feel that additionally:
Not everyone has the same gifted inclinations and/or inclusive supportive backgrounds to become deeply knowledgeable and/or “intellectual”,
So maybe the academic elite can also be less judgmental of the capable,
yet overworked and distracted majority..,

?

Like even if you’re factually correct about everything it might also be nice to come across more nice,
!?
And NOT to unjustifiably accuse anyone,
And NOT to discredit anyone,
But same goes for any highly regarded professor/intellectual..,

So..,
(Hypothetically speaking..),
Even if we’re vastly more articulate and knowledgeable about untold history such as secret brutal military interventions,
Training terrorists and/or whoever to overthrow democratically elected whoever immorally because of whatever..,
among whatever largely unknown important information,
And although the above I intended to be hypothetical(s).., well here’s a source:
(Source: Bensaid, Adam. “The Secret History of US Interventions in Latin America.” TRT WORLD, 24 Jan. 2019, http://www.trtworld.com/americas/the-secret-history-of-us-interventions-in-latin-america-23586. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
Well,
I feel that we’re also STILL accountable to be kind (for example..),

Not intending to say anything bad about Chomsky,
Yet as for the capable yet struggling distracted majority,
Even if we’re deeply apathetic and misinformed,
And even if we’re perpetuating toxic tribalistic propaganda,
Well,
Maybe even if we’re immensely politically and/or spiritually ignorant of the life we could be living among various forms and/or deeply unaware NOR care of various locations of avoidable human suffering,
And EVEN if in many ways we’ve been fooled into perpetuating that..(such as a culture of fearfully obedient apathy),
Well,
Maybe being a kind person can also be something to offer,
Which just may help..(?),
With additionally..,
Finding the inner peaceful discipline necessary,
To remain informed,
And to also help reduce horrific levels of human oppression that are and have always been so avoidable,
Unnecessary and instead have been just straight up damaging,

And well, Blessings to Noam Chomsky, Sherman Alexie Jr., My community college professor, Other teachers, Professors and writers who’ve and may ever continue to inspire me, Among everybody,

And even if humanity will fall,
To a new unprecedented degree,
Once again,
And even though a part of me may struggle with this greatly,
For reasons such as it does infuriate a big part of me,
Feeling that other insecure egos STILL can NOT resist playing around with my anxious ALTHOUGH kind sincerity..,

Still,
Although it usually for me has NOT felt easy,
I will still..,
Like to keep TRYING to offer,
Blessings,
To all,

Always

(Source: Just thought I’d include this YouTube link citation, assuming it’s the right one and still public: Wintonick, Peter, and Mark Achbar. “Manufacturing Consent.” YouTube, Labour Heartlands, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfSdLm8giyQ. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php))

(Re-posted)

Okay well..,
I guess I must try to honestly say that,
Even if there’s more than enough back up,
Even if I’m a total fuckup who’s NOT needed,
Well,
I still plan to stick around,
And keep trying my present best to express to try to release pain from within my mind and chest in addition to reminding whoever that they are NOT alone even if in a deep painfully down invisible situation,

And even if what I just tried to clearly say may never ever provide sufficient inner emotional alleviation..(?),
Well,
Even if I have nothing to offer,
Even if others insecure egos just want me around to bust my balls and try to feel more superior..,
Well..,
I still have what I attempt to clearly piece together in writing,
Because well,
Even if however many of us can NOT avoid just going from one shithole to the next,
Well,
Aside from ever having each other in “spirit”,
Well,
I guess I’ll still try to offer,
My interpretation(s),
Of being in some kind of bullshit..,

And well,
Since I feel I always have struggled more than usual socially,
Since I struggle to let stuff go,
Since I carry so much with me and can get derailed emotionally so damn easily,
Well,
I just have NOT felt NOR feel I’ll ever access the confidence required to fulfill society’s expectations of successfully following along a typical career path..,

In addition to being diagnosed with “generalized anxiety”,
“ADHD” and “mild autism”,
And having experiences that have unconsciously filled me with deep discouragement,
Well,
Yeah,
I carry several deep inner doubts about my ability to live peacefully happily typically independently,

Maybe those who I’m in whatever career path with will just keep being mean to me,
Which may just further and further derail me,
Until I’m a babbling sidewalk homeless man,
In prison,
In the psych ward..,
Just shut down and chemically controlled more than ever before..,

Yep,
When my parents leave,
Well,
Will those who said they’d be there have the inner peaceful strength I see as required to keep their word..?

Ohh I am scared,
Yet well,
When without my parents,
I don’t know..,
I just don’t..,

I presently feel:
If I’m correct..(?),
They’ve done and understood more than anyone has..,
And well,
Yes,
I’ll keep hanging in there,
I do NOT plan to (for example) jump off the fourth floor of the Palisades mall..,
And well,
Would something like that really be the “easy way out”,
Well..,
If you were to see the drop..,
I guess courageously sticking it out,
And/or I guess courageously hopping the railing while landing on the hard floor,
Are just hard to determine what will be worse,

Of course,
My warrior spirit tells me,
To stay strong and find peace in the bullshit until my time happens to come..,

I’ll just,
Keep,
Staying,
Straight up,
And strong,

It’s was nice being back at Yard House,
Away from the scumbags I cut out of my life such as the guy who made me feel worse about the anxiety I already felt bad about by saying “you’re as quiet as a mouse”..,
(Who I talked a lot about in my post titled “More and More of It” (uploaded here on my WordPress.com account on August 31st, 2022)),
And well,
It’s been nice tonight to have a break,
And be back,
With real brothers,
Among great kind supportive others

Given human history,
how can I really expect others to be fairly kind to me..!?
Huhh..,
I’ll just keep trying to (I guess) find peace inwardly however I see fit presently

I remember the coach who cut me from the freshman team and just one other player,
While accepting 18 others,
Pointed and laughed at me to socially connect with the assistant coach while I was in the infielder “ready position” that was heavily emphasized in camp..,

Oh yeah and that coach reminded us how much we sucked,
The other said our school’s sports just has turned into an embarrassment,
As if getting another game’s win is life’s “deepest fulfillment..”,

I remember at a clinic (while setting up the batting cage nets) him screaming his head off at either me,
My friend and/or both..,
Yet of course he still once again cut me..,

Dammit I hate having anxiety for scumbags like him to use against me..,
And therefore,
Baseball was a waste of time and never the path for me..,

Fuck him,
Fuck the varsity coach..,
Among my other scumbag coach(s)..,
Including the socially exclusive less anxious more confident players among whichever others..,
Ahh..,
Who just now (I’d guess(?)) turned into more dickheads insatiably chasing lucrative careers..,

And yeah..,
How the head varsity coach “despised losing”,
And regarded being at church a reason to miss practice..,
Once said how we “failed tonight” when someone forgot to put away a home plate to completely clean up the high school gym..,
And my step-dad was later understandably mad that he waited like an hour longer than I expected..,
Yes I was just trying to please those scumbag coaches..,
Which yes,
I later learned was a mistake..,

Yeah..,
Guess what the head varsity coach got from his “Christian teaching” is to despise losing..,
?
Maybe people like him will preach about being a “peaceful loving person” yet their actions just may say way more..?

Oh how egos “despising losing” has added to so much insecure misery that I STILL carry with me..,

Shit..,
I thought the original message of Christianity was meant to help the weak and vulnerable “losers” feel less judged and feel more hopeful..?

And every time I pass that field,
With the upcoming talented baseball scumbags..,
And their insecure proud and angry coaches..,

Man,
I just want to blow that place up,
Yet well,
That will just make me a bigger loser more despised than ever,

And ohh that time when I hit my younger brother grounders at that field..,
How those memories of taking more bullshit just resurfaced in me..,
And I’m thankful that my younger brother helped me remain in control and NOT wind up stuck in some deeper hole due to vandalizing the place to try to “compensate” for some inner hole..,

Ohh fuck those coaches,
Fuck those bullies..,

Huhhh..,
And if you know and care about me deeply please do NOT worry,
Just,
While I’m in a social environment sitting by myself..,
Just thought I’d try using my time expressing memories arising in me,

And hopefully me FINALLY trying to keep it real..,
Has and/or can at least somewhat help whoever feels a need (if they’re reading this),
To,
Additionally,
Heal

?