Hi,

So, I just don’t understand why you don’t feel a need to apologize for putting me in an ice bath, for saying that if I were to tell anyone of the other messed up shit during pledging you were doing, that you’d beat me up to the point of “drinking through a straw for the rest of my life”, when I NEVER cursed at you, always been so damn polite throughout ALL time knowing you in person (regardless of the message I apologized for, because I know how to apologize)..

And, one time I asked you, “how many fights have you been in?” And your response was “I’ve been in more fights than people you talked to”.. Like.. why act so disrespectfully when you also want to be treated with respect..?

And like twice when I tried to chime in on a conversation you told me in front of others to “shut up”. And those times you’d curse at me out of nowhere, like the time I called to ask you something pertaining to setting up an event and you exclaimed “Zach what the fuck do you want!?” And, when none of my “pledge brothers” were really there for me, you’d seriously expect me to NOT at least vent to someone else how I was being treated by you and Dan!!? And after whatever other examples there are, you still feel that you “haven’t done shit to me?” You still can’t apologize, and admit how you treated me was just straight up wrong.. Man, I’m at a loss of words.

And well, since I’m just done taking bullshit, if you make just one more threat, I WILL show the police. I will, I have the right to protect myself. I’m just NOT taking blows anymore. And well, it would at least make me feel better if you would just say, for example, “I’m sorry”.

Because having me do those drinking challenges, the ice bath, getting cursed at, it just did NOT help me develop myself at all, and well, as for determining “brotherhood loyalty”, we really could’ve done other activities that could’ve been more civilized and would’ve helped us out more. But that’s separate.. And man the fact that you were age 19 and I was age 22 and you still did that.., Man, I’ve had social struggles and others have used it against me so much and bro.. I’m just not going “quiet into the night” about it anymore.

Point is, with the above examples (and if you want me to list more (and/or elaborate) I’ll see what I remember), yet, I do NOT understand how you still feel no need to apologize for what you did. And well, even if you just say “I’m sorry”, maybe I’ll be less likely to annoy you with emails.

And well, if you want to have a mutually respectful conversation, to take a deeper look at this, well, that’ll help me out.

I want to be honest, but AVOID violence. And well, I felt a need for you to hear this.

Sincerely,

-Zach

Thank you for buying me the pizza and drinks,
Thanks for reminding me to always ask myself “what did I learn”?
Underneath what I’m grateful for..,

And well,
Thank you for showing me what a good time looks like,
And well,
Even though there just may be “no need” for certain appreciation I felt a need to share,
Well,
Among all I can say,
I just also wanted to thank you for being there,

You,
At the RIGHT times,
As needed,
Helping me out of my shell,

And even if I can’t return the favor,
Well,
I’m glad that you have additionally in your own unique ways.,
Properly been there,

Unlike so damn many,
You,
Have and Are,

Socially aware

Hey so,
Even though we (as in our community) may be (personally at times..) deeply under the influence,
..,
Even though any of us may stand against each other in deep inebriated misunderstandings,
Well..,
Additionally to helping me feel welcome in a community I grew up in that I’d never thought would accept me for me being me (initially)..,

And in addition to all the support at the bar from SO many others that I never initially envisioned,
And even though me and the other person who I reconciled myself with I also became friends with,
..,
Well,
I want to try to thank you as well,
For making it clear,
(Although it was a understandable misunderstanding..,),
That she is NEVER to publicly confront me that way again,
That NO ONE is EVER to speak to me that way again!!
That we believe in an etiquette of KINDNESS,

And we STILL abide by that,
Regardless,
Of however much we are,
Under the influence

Well..,
Even though I might have openly displayed the same negativity as Eeyore back when you were my tutor,
Well..,
As for those who’ve been patient with me,
Which words may never describe even sufficiently as I stumble to piece them together “just properly”,
Well..,
I want to thank you as well,
For those years putting up with me,
Which I may not have had the patience to nearly the same degree,
Which is why I don’t plan to have kids,
Nor plan to work with them presently,

Yet,
I want to thank you,
For helping me keep my head up and make it through school,
Which I hated so,
So deeply,

So,
Even though I may have been struggling to “learn how to learn”,
Well,
The patience and kindness you displayed among all MY openly miserable,
Blatant lack of thirst for knowledge that I just gave up searching for..,

Well..,
Having the patience,
Having the kindness that I felt you displayed,
Was a true lesson,
That well,
I feel that so,
So many of us,
Can keep learning,

To this day

Well,
Aside from all those who have had so much to offer me,
I just want to say,

Well,
Is it fair to me,
To open up myself emotionally,
To share how I see some of my deepest vulnerabilities,
To another,
Who just remains closed off and distant,
..,
Who,
Maybe says they’ve also “opened up”,
Yet who I feel to see,
Really has NOT,

Well,
Who do I really trust..?
While feeling a need to,
Report any emotional injury,
And/or whatever the case may be that I feel as needing to be addressed and/or mediated deeply empathetically,

And well,
I still feel to struggle with emotional dysregulation,
And I have not had good personal experiences with medications,
So I am NOT asking for any suggestions,

Yet,
Well,
Whose really going to be there,
Who’s really going to see that I feel I have had unique responses to unique experiences that have deeply affected choices and decisions I’ve made…

And who must I avoid..?
Who is just going to yell at me,
Who is just going to (for example) essentially say that I have had it “the same as everybody”.. or “no worse”…,
..,
Who is really going to be there,
Who is really going to help me hear?
What I truly?
Truly need to hear,

?

And,
Well,
Although I may still feel uncertain,
I hope I made myself..,

Sufficiently clear

It’s NOT easy,
feeling I’m just struggling to save up for a life of misery,
while if I do NOT save money I’ll have even deeper misery..,
shit,
I just wish to find another way to experience it, Okay,
time to take another deep breath,
witness the sensations,
And..,
maybe therefore (hopefully) spiral LESS deeply,

And well,
More inner peace,
May help,
Save me more needed energy

?

I feel that:

For one..,
The MORE everyone is carrying so much stress,
Misery,
Anger and/or whatever type of painful energy..,
Well..,
It just is going to be LESS likely that people will interact with each other sincerely kindly..,
And it just may especially NOT be likely direct supervisors will act kind and peaceful to their subordinates if they’re under so much stress and misery..,
And it’ll just additionally irritate them if I say “if you don’t talk to me this way I’ll work better”,
Because me telling them that will not relieve stress..,
I would guess..,
Regardless,
I’ll add that I additionally feel this:

So..,
I feel that..,
I canNOT avoid NOR control others lack of control..,
Maybe (certain and/or many) others can NOT help getting mad at me,
EVEN if I’m NOT the deepest nor most significant causes of their misery,
Although I may have learning disabilities,
Emotional dysregulation struggles,
Thinking overload,
Which may all be exacerbated by sleep deprivation..,
And (hypothetically speaking for myself) side effects of medication (such as when coming off stuff regardless of how they may not truly be the answer for me (as an individual) when on them (regardless of how they may affect those different than me..(?))),
..,
And well..,
What I’m essentially trying to say,
(For example),
Is that if I screw up more,
I’ll just get yelled at more..,
And as many may agree..,
Even if certain stuff inevitably comes harder to me..,
Well..,
I’m accountable to the same degree..,
So..,
The more I can accept that I just may take more blows (in certain unavoidable contexts..),
Well..,
The less inner resistance I have,
The more at peace I just may become with that..,
And well..,
Even though I have “autism”,
Well,
I’m still responsible to pull my weight,
I still need a job and must find ways to adapt to those I’m forced to be around who I may mostly hate..,
And regardless of how much others may understand me,
Well,
Since if I want to get treated like everyone else,
Well..,
If I (even completely unintentionally) screw up more,
I’ll therefore get reprimanded more..,
..,
And I’ll either “learn my lesson” again and again,
Or I’ll get additionally traumatized and derailed emotionally and spiral into more insanity again and again..,
So therefore I’ll more likely get yelled at more,
Then..,
MORE emotionally derailed and LESS focused and treated worse and worse..,
I feel and fear a downward spiral..,

And just to throw it out there,
If someone yells in a way that is positive and encouraging that’ll help me keep going,
Yet if it is scathing sadistic criticism (which only reminds me what is “wrong” and teaches me nothing about developing myself RIGHT..) and makes me feel even worse than how bad I may presently be feeling about myself..,
Then well..,
I do NOT feel that it’ll help me focus more clearly since I’ll be thrown off even more by their energy that I find emotionally damaging for me..,

Welp..,
Even if we’re kind..,
Well..,
Some others..,
Because of whatever history and emotional pain that they carry and that spirals, (and/or) builds and just blasts out of them..,
Well..,
I feel..,
Some people just uncontrollably even treat nice people how they hate being treated..,

If someone is NOT controlling themself,
Asking them to “control themselves” will NOT show them how to control themselves,

For example,
And yes I’ll repeat myself since I initially had this written in here and well I’d like to make it MORE THAN CLEAR..,
Which is that:
If someone takes out their anger on me,
Asking,
“May you please not talk to me that way”,
Will NOT make them instantly inwardly heal and/or clear what is causing them to constantly lash out..,
Instead their miserable egos may feel threatened and blast out even more..(?),
..,
And if I give the another a warning,
Well,
They may also find it threatening(?),
So since I can NOT change another’s bad behavior such as meanness to me,
I’m going to have to (of course peacefully) address the situation differently..,

Also,
If someone has an addiction,
If I tell that person to “stop drinking”,
I’d guess..(for example),
They most probably will feel judged, criticized and insulted..,
Which I’d guess will NOT make the temptation go away..,
And..,
They most probably know it’s bad,
and also know they do NOT know how to stop it..(?),
Hence,
Thoughtless critical advice has nothing to teach NOR offer..,
My belief is that INSTEAD of rudely pointing out what is wrong,
To instead,
At least,
Offer (if asked) some proper method that addresses the underlying source of addiction, anger management struggle(s),
Or whatever is the underlying cause of toxic and/or immoral behavior that may be however similar and might differ from person to person..,

Yet I feel that since offering unasked for advice may be rude and instead of listening,
The other person may therefore feel disrespected and respond aggressively..,
And I feel that confronting a person about being mean and giving them a warning of reporting them if they keep doing it will ALSO not deeply address the root cause(s) of their lack of control and INSTEAD may more likely make them feel threatened,
Offended and therefore cause them to feel worse and therefore cause them to more likely act MORE mean..,

Well..,
I would guess that,
Since I just can NOT change others,
As safely as I can,
I just must practice inner foundational ways of development the best ways that I see fit,
I feel I must advocate for myself and NOT take a life of taking bullshit..,

So well,
I just can NOT change others,
Yet,
I can also NOT escalate stuff,
And I can also,
Take better care of myself,

And well..,
Although there’s no guarantee,
Somewhere,
It just may be helpful,
Having inwardly developed and emanating peacefulness..(?),

That’s what I’d guess

?

And well,
Although I can NOT change stuff externally..,
Well..,
I guess(?) for me it never gets old reminding myself,
To breathe,
To..,
Notice my natural inhale and exhalations,
Notice my inner sensations,
Expansions and contractions..,
And therefore,
Still be able to rediscover and increasingly sustain peace within this physical life energy form I presently feel to be manifesting in

Well..,
Even though our “energy fields” may have never been compatible..,
Even though I wanted you in my life so badly although for me sadly it maybe was just “NEVER meant to be”..,
Even though you considerately sent me that beautifully written email,
Which was probably more closure than ever fair of me to ask for..(?),
(And yes that did help me feel better and/or prevented me from feeling so much damn worse, such as times (like now) when I deeply miss you..),
Well..,
I even remember at that karaoke party when I initially thought “wow she’s crazy” and then two weeks later it just hit me so fucking unexpectedly intensely..,
And all those understandable misunderstandings..,
That you gave me closure for thankfully..,
And even though I got to hear from you that time on gmail over 5 years and after over 3 years since not seeing you..,
Well..,
Better that much later than never,

I just wish I could send you this..,
And well if I did maybe that’ll just make me look more bad,
MORE dismissed and MORE misunderstood and MORE hated than ever..,
So many just don’t fucking care..,
Fuck them,

Well..,
Even though a part of me clearly knows how irrational I’m being..,
Well..,
I once again just want to see you again,
..,
And..,
Yeah..,
Well..,
I just wish I wasn’t like this..,
I just wish I didn’t have autism..,
I wish I’d be the man you’re looking for,
I just wish I was not so fucking anxious..,
I wish I never felt like I need so many “special needs”..,
It fucking sucks.. it really does..,
..,
And,
..,
And I know I’m wining like a desperate codependent fuck up..,
Well..,
I guess I’ll say the obvious..,
That I just want your presence again,
I’m just really missing you again and I’m painfully bugging out from time and time again..,
My chest hurts..,
Whatever..,

And even though we’re all going to die someday..,
And even though I believe “nothing lasts forever”..,
And even though maybe this is coming from a place of my “ego” NOT letting go and therefore NOT just “finding peace in the present moment”..,
And even though this is NOT “real love” and just an irrational obsession (I fucking guess….(?))..,
I’ll just say that,
Well..,
Even if I never done that much well..,
Still..,
I’d just trade whatever it is I achieved and am aspiring towards..,
Just to have you in my life..,
Damn..,
You’re all I really want and I just can’t have you here with me,
And I wish you can hear this..,
But that’ll just be too fucking “creepy”,

..,
I hope this will pass again..,
Yes,
..,
Maybe I’ll feel better again while knowing I just may never see you again..(!?),
And well..,
Right now..,
Once again,
I just want you forever and ever,
I wish the words I’m trying to put together would just make it more clear..,
That well..,
I just want you here,
I just want you here,

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

And I want you to know how badly I want you yet if I send this to you I’ll just regret it..,
And maybe you’ll be like “da fuck!?”..,
Huhhh..,
Or however you’ll react to it.. it’ll just not seem good..,

Huhhhhhhhhhhhh..,

Whatever,
Even if reading something like this would make you NOT want to see me ever again..,
And although I hope for this to pass..,
Well..,
As of now,
All I want,
Is you,
And well..,
I’ll just have to accept that,
I won’t get what I want the most..,

And well..,
Hopefully this feeling will pass again..,
Huhhh..,
I just want you here with me,

I just want you here with me..,
Ohh what a cliché..,
What an unoriginal feeling..,
All those damn love songs or whatever..,

Dammit..,
I..,
Just want you here,
Fuck..,
I just don’t know how to end this..,

I just want to be with you,
Forever..,

Shit.. I even remember that night I met you while the song “I Want It That Way” came on..,
(Source: The only fucking “Backstreet Boys” that like everyone knows.. okay since I’m having OCD here’s the freakin’ citation: Carter, Nick, et al. “I Want It That Way.” Millennium, 1999. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
Wow..,
I just never thought I’d ever want you that way so bad..,
I just never thought that over six years later I’d be here missing you..,
I just wish I could send this to you..,
And I won’t because..,
Well..,
I guess it’s obvious..,

?

You’re just..,
Such an awesome woman,
And wish I had it that way,

I want you forever,
Damn right “I want it that way”,
Man like every time I hear that song on some commercial or wherever the fuck..,
Shiiit..,
I just,
As of now,
Want you forever and ever..,
I just..,
Or my clingy “ego” just..,
“Wants it that way”..,

I really,
Really,
Just “want it that way”,

But I can’t have it that way,

And well..,
As of now..,

I’m sad..,
Because..,
I just can NOT have it that way..,

And hopefully,
Once again,
It’ll feel,
At least,
Okay

When I come out of a certain level of delusion,
I may feel disappointed that my fantasy of “me being the hero” was not true,
yet,
even if I’m an “extra” and/or someone totally invisible,
well,
I’d say finding and increasingly sustaining adequate inner peace may also be quite possible,
During and even if being,

Extra invisible

For one I presently feel that:
Well..,
Aside from whatever I may work hard at to choose and/or pursue,
Well,
I also struggle with obsessive compulsive behaviors that have NOTHING to do with my goals and feel too embarrassing and unnecessary to share in great detail about..,
So well,
Here is something I’m going to attempt to talk about:

I have a lot of hard-working energy that I may apply to one skill set,
and then when I see even deeper (and increasingly sustain that vision of) what I truly want later on,
well,
I may switch paths..(?),
For example..,

So all this switching of paths definitely does NOT help me reach my potential in any single direction,
and unfortunately excessive obsessive compulsive (irrelevant) behavior also (and/or additionally) uses up my energy,

And well,
I deeply feel,
That the capability is deeply within me,
..,
I just have to do better at remaining focused on what feels most true within me,
And ALSO must become LESS held back by brutal obsessive compulsive forces that want to control me,
That want to just..,
Suck me down and shut me down..,

It may continually NOT be easy(?),
And well..,
My insecurity may have got exacerbated by how others may have mistreated me in this “perfectionist”, “winner and loser”, “one life”, “one shot” cultural mentality,
?
However,
(And regardless..),
I feel the capability is STILL within me,

So I try to (and may fail to (however often)) use my hard-working energy in a direction on whichever path that I feel is most suitable for myself among benefiting whoever else(?),
And that external path (aside from an internal overall spiritual path (or “purpose”) that may underlie what I do (if cultivated properly)) which I presently feel (externally) is writing,
(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth. 10th Anniversary th ed., New York, New York, Penguin Books, 2005, 2016, pp. 257-78. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
(So this post for me, counts as an attempt to aspire in a direction that’s deeply truthful (although external) for me..),
Sometimes I’ll work in what I feel to be a meaningful direction,
Then (all of a sudden (and/or expected and anticipated(?))) I’ll become caught up in an inner (deeply insecure) obstacle,
And/or I’ll try to follow a path,
Then get discouraged (because of whatever)..,
And/or become steered off a more helpful, smooth(?) and far LESS rugged terrain,
And then become stuck in obsessive compulsive sinking sand..,
And well..,
Then become..,
FAR out of alignment with my truth,
While forgetting what I’ve learned to release myself from the sand..,
While failing to remind myself that..,
The MORE I resist it,
The MORE power I give it,
And therefore the MORE I sink into it,
(For example..),

And well,
Once I find that I have steered off my chosen path of truth,
And wandered back into obsessive compulsive sinking sand (or “quicksand”)..,
I guess,
If I can better remember,
To relax,
And lie flat on the surface (for example..),
(Source: “How to Escape from Quicksand, Just in Case.” YouTube, Inside Edition, 14 Nov. 2017, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnlrzqf9Ys4&t=10s.
(https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
And gently ease my way out,
Without adding (inner resistance (to keep speaking figuratively..)) weight that’ll weigh within me and suck me under even more..(?),

If I just,
Do what I know,
While making inner peace with whatever the outcome (and/or present circumstance(s)) may be,
Then that may just MORE likely guarantee,
That I may NOT get sucked in as deeply(?),

And well,
As for whatever path I choose to take,
And regardless of however long I may switch back and forth (from primary external path to primary external path (such as writing and juggling.., etc..,)),
OCD may always remain within my surroundings (and/or as a background noise) trying to control me..,
??

OCD just may never go away,
?
And well..,
As for my relationship to it,
It just may become (or more than) okay..,
(If you understand what I’m trying to say..(?), and (if not) well that’s also okay..,),

Essentially,
The more I can accept it (“it” being excessive obsessive compulsive behavior (and/or whatever I may struggle to accept that I see as inevitable)),
The MORE I become at peace with it..,
And the LESS power it may have over me,
Since I therefore become better at peacefully accepting it,
And therefore,
The less power it has,
To suck me under and drown me within it,

Essentially,
The more I accept it,
The more I feel I can peacefully handle it,

Essentially,
I just have to remember,
To keep at,
The best I’ve learned (and/or remember) how to handle it,

Essentially,
It may remain as a background noise,
And I have the ability,
To NOT focus most of my attention towards it,
Which may MORE LIKELY weaken it,
Free from any lethal side-effects,

I would guess ?

Essentially,
I feel,
It just takes proper practice