As for my gratitude pieces,
Although I may not have got to all of you (even if able to),
Although I may NOT have made all NOR most of the ones I made public that I’ve wrote so far,
NOR gotten consent from everyone as for those whose I made public..,
Nor wrote all I could have NOR as clearly and deeply as I may otherwise have wrote,
Etc, etc, etc..,
Well,
If I have not expressed thanks to you the way I could have,
If at all,

Well,
If you are one,
I just hope you know I am grateful for all that you all have done,

And well,
As for whatever I may write about others,
For example,
Some may get a gratitude letter (or whatever the genre),
Others may get a scathing letter (or whatever the genre),
Others may get BOTH,
And others may receive NEITHER..,

Yet,
Regardless of whatever you may have received or not,
Including any of you I may NOT presently like such as what I tried to convey in my post “To those I Hate”,
Well..,
I feel,
There is still a part of me,
That tries to deeply compassionately acknowledge your beingness..,
And as for those of you I presently just do NOT like,
I surely can work to inwardly develop this..,

And for those who I feel a need to deeply thank and may have not,
Or who I may feel a need to thank more and/or change, deepen and more clearly rearrange how I expressed what I have learned among various forms of deep appreciation I feel to have received..,

Well,
I want to deeply,
Say,

Thank you,
To you all

In the moment I may have been so caught up in it that I just did NOT have time to realize it,
And when it’s no longer occurring,
I guess..(?),
Is more likely when I have more room to take a clearer look at it..(?),

When in one state of awareness (or unawareness),
I’ll regret what I did or said in the recent previous state of awareness (or unawareness),
..,
And when I’m in that other state of awareness (or unawareness),
I’ll regret whatever I said, did, wrote, etc.. while in that other state of awareness..,

And when sober,
I can spot drunkenness,
..,
And when I have been “under the influence”,
Yes,
I can spot what I assume is soberness such as edginess and/or anxiousness..(?),
And of course when it comes down to it..,
Well..,
I can never totally know why one is coming across the way they are..,

??

I just do and say certain stuff in one state of consciousness,
And have regret,
When it’s over,
..,
When sober it IS:
It’s “why did I damage my liver!?”
“Why did I kill my brain cells!?”

When drunk it IS:
“Why did I feed all that obsessive compulsive behavior!!?”
“Why didn’t I try to feel more clearly and deeply and take life LESS seriously!!?”

Seriously,
When it’s over,
The regret comes to me

Although this is might be my beer muscles getting cocky,
Well..,
I still hope that the sliiighhhht truth,
In what I’m trying to say,
Is seen,
More than the hate and anger that this may be drunkenly disguised by..,

So here:

I will still considerately give a sincere answer,
To an unconscious ego,
Who wants to entertain itself (and/or others) with a funny question..,

Wow..,
Aren’t me and my learning and social challenges an EASY target..,

So here:

Aside from all I had thrown at me with my learning disabilities..,
Aside from all that remains within me that still IMPINGES me..,
All those who NEVER felt a need to say “I’m sorry”..,

Well..,

If I interpret (even if wrong) anyone bullying me on my home turf,
The immense obsessive insecure egotistic energy, May switch from juggling video goals and OCD,
To egotistic “justice”..,

All that energy I waste compulsive pointlessly..,
May SWITCH..,
AFTER,
Everything I been through,
When my ego ASSUMES someone,
Still feels,
They can mistreat me the WAY as I got back in the DAY,
On my home turf,

Maybe I preach about pacifism,
Maybe I’m being far out of alignment with what I try to preach to myself among whoever else,

Yet,
Speaking for that egoic damaged dark side..,
Let it be known,
That I,
AM,
NOT,
A..,
PUSHOVER

ANYMORE

When I be myself, when what I see internally attempts to manifest externally, others may judge severely, I may shut down deep in OCD.., well, I guess it just happens for a reason that can be analyzed infinitely

??

Hi,
So,
Although there may have been times when I get deeply discouraged,
Although there may be times when I totally don’t align myself with what I see as my true self,
..,
Although I may NOT always meditate NOR check in with my inner body in ways that I feel can deeply benefit me,
Although sometimes my mind may spiral me into obsessive compulsive solidifying negativity,
..,
Although I may NOT always NOR sufficiently remain on paths that I’ve decided to venture down,
Paths that you’ve guided me on along the way,
Well,

As for having you as another therapist (and being my present therapist),
Having you as a spiritual mentor (If that’s appropriate of me to say(?)),
Or just,
Having you as a teacher,
Well,
I also wanted to deeply sincerely say,
Thank you,
For deeply listening,
For deeply understanding what I need and when,
For properly,
Consciously seeing how to respond to me,
For keeping it real about those who I thought I could trust were actually treating me,
And even though,
Well,
There just may have been certain lessons I could take with me,

Thank you,
For guiding me,
Such as in ways that would teach me WITHOUT me feeling criticized harmfully,

Thank you for continually helping me realign with what I see as my true self,
And helping me acquire a deeper understanding of ways I’ve told you that I felt to have been struggling,

Even though I may stumble and fall far off track,
Even though I may have an occasional giant step back,
..,
Thank you for your guidance,
And I feel so lucky I’ve been able to encounter you,
Along the path,
I have chosen to take,

And thank you for reminding me,
Such as,
(As I’ll say in my own words),
That there is more to me,
Than my mind’s negativity,

I can always spot and take my awareness out of the growing “pain-body”,
(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth. 10 Anniversary th ed., New York, New York, Penguin Books, 2005, 2016, pp. 129-60. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
I can always remember to listen to those such as Eckhart Tolle,

And if I try,
Well,
I can become more and more free from,
Pain from my past,
Free from excessive obsessive compulsive misery,
..,
The immense obsessive compulsive insecure mental noise can remain in the background and does NOT have to brutally control me,

Even though I may often forget,
I can always remember,
To notice my inner sensations,
To remain in my strength,
And feel less controlled by the parts of my mind that hold me back,
Thank you for helping me remain on the path,
That I have chosen to,
At least somewhat..,
Attempt,
To,
take

Hey man,
Even though this might be OD..(?),
Even though I’ve acted batshit crazy time and time again after an apology..,
Even though I guess there’s been extreme ups and downs among all experiences that I never ever did foresee after that night I met you at that social function with the karaoke,
Such as the trip to Miami,
Times my balls were busted heavily,
Getting to see that guy choke-slammed so hilariously by the guy who knew mad karate..,
The time I almost got beat up by a bouncer in Virginia beach,
When I manically snatched the two dollars out of that bartender’s hand who was then like “is he alright”,
Probably since I anxiously didn’t sleep for a couple nights..(?),

And well..,
Even if this may sound forced or insincere,
I still just wanted you to also clearly hear,
That..,
Even though I may have been very hard to be around,
I still appreciated you allowing me,
UNLIKE so damn many,
Too stick around..,

Thank you for allowing me into your chapter of that fraternity..,
Fuck those certain other fucks,
You’re alright,

And since I have been labeled as having “mild autism”,
“Including ADHD and generalized anxiety previously”,
And just never have been that loose NOR skilled socially..,
Even though when I was manic and out of control emotionally I sent a message saying that I should have “never gotten a bid”..,
Well..,
There’s also that part of me,
That,
Deeply wants to,
Thank you for welcoming me and accepting me to becoming a part of the Epsilon Omicron chapter of the Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity..,

And of course,
Even if I may have just turned out to be a damaging liability..,
If I may have expressed certain opinions quite aggressively..,
Well..,
I’d say there’s that part of me that still feels sincerely that,
You definitely have been a deeply helpful example of more positivity..,
Including that time you implicitly and/or straight-up reminded me..,
Of there being no need to mention sharks when we were having that low key heart to heart in the water at South Beach..,
Including that there was no need for me to eradicate the vibe by mentioning Flordia sinkholes when we were hanging at our friend’s dad’s place which they generously had to offer,
..,
And I certainly remember that picture you took of me gracefully jumping into the water..,
That time our other friend said there was a milf in the parallel car,
And the time in that same summer when I went up to those two women on the beach towel,
To try to pull off that zinger which was a total failure..,
And how you told me,
That..,
I miss “100 percent of the shots I don’t take”,
..,
Well even though I failed miserably..,
At least you helped me out of my anxious shell supportively,

And among all the other stuff that may come to me,
Well..,
Even though I may have appeared to be not having a good time,
A certain part of me,
Feels some of those times,
Just may have been the time of my life!

And even though you understandably may just have had enough of me,
Thank you for the experiences you had to offer me,

And aside from all I can add, change, deepen and/or however rearrange in this piece of writing..,
I’ll just add that..,
Well as I initially had wrote here:

I even remember you telling me when in Miami,
That the road trip we were on was the kind of trip that I’d remember for “the rest of my life”,
And well..,
Regardless if I ever see you again in this life,
I want to deeply thank you,
For experiences that I may joyfully,
Beautifully remember,
From time to time,
Throughout my life,

I want to wish you a happy 27th birthday,
Would love to meet again someday,

Fast and firm,

Cheers

As I like to say,
Which is that I feel there is infinitely more than words can say,
To express how appreciative I feel,
To have those such as you throughout my life,
And seeing you develop and work on yourself so much more and deeper than so many others I’ve seen,
Well,
Thank you,
For being among the few in this world,
Who are kind,
Understanding,
And know how to sincerely yet properly help whenever I may be emotionally struggling,
(Or however I’m painfully excessively grappling),

Of course,
I’d say there’s certainly been times when I’ve been extremely hard to be around,
And I’m glad you have stayed strong (when I was clearly NOT) and still kindly stuck around..,

And well,
Even though my history of having learning and emotional atypical adversity,
Having got bullied by others among whatever else may still weigh in me,
..,
Of course,
I’m still deeply glad that unlike so damn many,
You remain kind and patient with me,
I feel that you have an ability that so many others have NOT been able to attain NOR sustain the way you have,
So I feel it’s better than any set of fancy words can describe to also have you around,

And well,
Not to get too personal,
But I just wanted to give a giant “fuck you”,
Too,
Those in power,
Who use their awareness of detail to fool us into thinking that they “know the answer”,
So,
I’m glad that we (yet especially you) can strongly and courageously spot bullshit,
Such as those who may try and manipulate us by talking about truth while uncontrollably insatiably feeding their own unconscious narcissism,

Maybe while meditating,
Instead of deepening awareness of inner body sensations including consciously noticing thoughts that pass by,
They may be thinking,
“Wow, how spiritual am I!?”

Fuck them,
UNLIKE them,
You,
Not only have greatly reminded me what I also see to be true,
Yet unlike certain monastic narcissists,
UNLIKE the spiritual frauds that may exist,
Unlike whoever is full of shit because of whatever I just do NOT presently have compassion for..,
Well,
I’m glad that you NOT ONLY talk about and practice what I feel as true,
You also greatly embody it,

And just to throw it out there,
Yes,
I feel that there are true good ones in whatever may be our spiritual path..,
Or whoever it is and whatever they may try to teach us..,

And I am so amazed and impressed at how much you have worked on and truly developed yourself,
And even though we may have had intense altercations when we were younger,
(And maybe occasionally recently.. one I won’t mention..),
Well,
Overall,
I never expected how much I’d come to admire,
My younger brother

(Re-posted)

Although I may have posted some nasty shit,
And may add to it,
There’s still the part of me,
Or the part that can be developed way more fully,
That is compassionate,

I feel I somewhat understand that our natural,
Including social environmental influences may shape our choices and decisions of how we treat others,
?
Yet,
No matter how much I may hate and how deeply I may talk and post shit,

Well..,
I just wanted those of you who I am or may ever be referring to,
To at least try to remember,
That,
There is still a part of me,
(Or there can become one (if not one that can re-emerge)..),

That cares deeply

Although you may occasionally get irritated with me,
Thank you for (even if briefly) pulling me out of deep negativity with your silly energy,
Thank you for reminding me to not just focus on the bad stuff that happened to me,
And therefore reinforce a narrative,
Which includes what I have to appreciate that’s more positive,

Such as having you around,
Such as not presently being in and never having had to be in a warzone,
..,
Such as having those others who I may vent about,
Far out,
Of my life,

Thank you for ALSO being among the few who understands me,
Knows how to handle me,
In a way that does NOT make stuff deeply worse for me,
If and when I go crazy,

Although there may certainly have been times when I was hard to be around..,
Well..,
It is nice to have yuh around

Yuh know..,
I remember how some guy who hazed me in the fraternity forced me to give him my phone to see if I told anyone about how he was mistreating me,
(Well more than one did actually.. another guy from that same university who I also told you about and wrote about in my post titled: “More and More of It” (posted on August 30th, 2022)),
And that day,
He once told me “don’t tell anybody”,
Including..,
“Don’t tell your sister”,
..,
To me it seemed he’d feel the authority who’d bust his ass for busting my ass wouldn’t understand his ways of “helping me” essentially,
Or they’d “take it out of context”,
And I don’t think much context is required to see,
That he was among those in my life who were TOXIC,
And you as my sister have just been so.. so much better..,

And I do vaguely remember..,
Yet he still bullied me even though he was virtually three years younger than me..,
And who is he to think he can deprive me of my FREEDOM to tell others how he was wronging me!!?
WE have FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!
May God,
May life energy,
Bless,
TRUTH!!
AHHHHHH!!
..,
And another fraternity “brother” once sent a direct message to me on SnapChat saying he was “really fucking sick” of me talking about what the other guy did to me and him..,
Well..,
Unlike THEM,
You,
Have been so,
SO MUCH BETTER,
So much MORE trustworthy,
To open up to..,
And even though what I’m writing here may be full of memories and feelings I have about certain people who hurt me,
Still,
I feel,
This is mostly,
About how deeply,
You,
UNLIKE SO MANY,
Have,
Actually,
Been there for me,

Although a couple who are too busy may sometimes send me a deeply supportive message,
Well,
A significant amount of those fraternity “brothers” LIED about being “family”..,
..,
Very few I’ll see rarely,
Some may send an occasional message reply to me,
Others have cut me off completely..,
And well..,
That one guy who got mad at me for not letting go of how the other guy hurt me does in fact sometimes (although barely) call me to check in on me,
Yet YOU,
Are TRUE,
Family,

I try letting go of what I can the best I presently can,
And being criticized for what I have not let go of does NOT help me let go of it,
It just makes me feel more like shit,
And I feel that you understand that and too many others just do NOT get it..,

And UNLIKE most others who can’t control and misdirect their anger,
Well,
You have been so much more understanding and nicer..,
Damn right,

So..,
I want to also thank you for being someone I can really trust and go to when my crazy autistic shit life throws at me hits the fan directly,
Unlike that other guy from college who called himself “real”,
To be real,
I feel that he turned out to be unhinged emotionally who’d abuse his skills in karate,

So,
I just also want you to know,
Unlike all those scumbags like him,
You have been nice to me,
Especially when I was emotionally struggling and needed it deeply,
..,
And as for that karate kid,
Who was smiling while I was in the ice bath suffering,
Who was laughing at me when throwing up and during other moments of “the beer mile”,
Would tell me to “shut up” in front of others,
Cursed at me a number of times,
Said to me and my “pledge brothers” that he’d beat any of us up so bad that we’d be “drinking through a straw” for the “rest of our life” if I (or whichever other) were to report how he was hazing us because the criminal record would make “his life over”, etc etc,
After I was so kind and polite all the damn time..,
..,
Well..,
For him I just presently have ZERO empathy,
So I will say,
Strongly,
Since ways he treated me were just so wrong including that he felt afterwards he “didn’t do shit to me”,
There’s still that dark part of me,
That hopes he gets his,
Severely,
..,
I did NOT cause his misery,
Yet because I was anxious,
His out of control ego would talk all this shit to me,
Fucking scumbag fuck,
Having you around has been way better luck,

Yeah I know I should be more “compassionate”,
Yet even if someone has been through “so much shit”,
Well,
I don’t like even feeling slightly blamed for it since I just did NOT cause it,
..,
And thank you again,
For reminding me to NOT let scumbags like that guy who abused his karate limit me,
..,
Ohh yes,
Those memories and the hurt are still with me,
YET..,
Thank YOU for having deep empathy,
Unlike all the other bullies..,
Who even may have “pulled themselves up by their bootstraps” who had egos out to just strap me down..,
Yet UNLIKE them,
You have helped me up when I was down,
..,
Those other fucks who picked themselves off the ground,
Just wanted to take out their insatiable ego’s anger by pushing me deeper and deeper into the ground,
..,
They may have somewhat or completely achieved their “American Dream”,
Yet to me they just were so mean,
..,

Yet UNLIKE them,
You,
Had compassion,
..,

Your encouragement to remind me to keep going,
Your support of my writing,
Has been so,
So much better,
Than all those other scumbags who tried to “break me down and build me up”..,
..,
They just additionally fucked me up,
And when I would suppress so much shit and blow up,
They’d just want me to shut the fuck up,
Yet YOU,
KNEW,
That there were reasons I had to be so deeply mad,
..,
You reminded me that it was NOT right of them to all call me “weird” and (as one told me later on) wonder if they should really give me a “bid” to go through all that bullshit to become a “brother for life”,
..,
You reminded me how wrong it was what the karate kid among certain others did to me,
It would’ve been nice if I found a group of close friends who would not have put me through all that bullshit,
It mostly,
Taught me to not trust idiots like some of them..,

Yet since I was so desperate for friends,
I just put up with the bullshit,
And now I regret allowing anyone to have treated me like that,
And yes it could have been WAY worse,
Yet I feel that it was bad enough,
To be mad about,
..,
It could’ve went so much differently..,
Maybe we could’ve done something that truly could have helped us spiritually..(?),
Deep inner body social connection expansion, etc, etc..,
But that’s just NOT fraternity tradition unfortunately,
That would be “wack”,
“Boring”,
Of course to be real,
I feel the culture turned out damaging..,

And that only group of friends I found,
Just had to haze me..,
Well..,
It’s not all but a few who I just can NOT and will NOT forgive..,
And they’re NOT asking for forgiveness because to them it just was NOT “wrong”..,
..,
I will admit some were better,
Yet that karate scumbag,
Including that OTHER compulsive liar who told me a girl “called the cops on me” in the middle of April and still said “April fools”..,
Who’d get so frustrated with my anxiety,
Well..,
Unlike THEM who “tried to help me” yet just made shit so much worse for me..,
I am happy that there are those like you in the world,
And although they may be a “needle in a haystack”,
Well..,
I’m glad to have you as one in my life,
That has always been there,

Even though quite rarely you may lose patience with me,
Quite understandably,
You had deep patience,
And wisdom to offer and continue offering me,
Such as reminding me,
That there’s more to life,
Than memories of those who hurt me,
Whether to my face,
Or even in a YouTube comment section,
You remind me that I just must pull my awareness out of toxic tunnel vision,

You remind me,
That,
There’s more to life,
Than all the scumbags I may have encountered,
And may have continued to encounter throughout my life,

Thank you for putting a smile on my face,
Thank you for having fun engaging energy that helped at least occasionally,
Pull my attention out of obsessive compulsive insecure misery,

Thank you for seeing me more than just surfacely,
Thank you for being among the few,
Who has also,
Truly been there for me,
While so many others would most probably misunderstand,
Get mad and try to “help” me while INSTEAD making shit worse for me..,

Today is March 15th, 2023,
And even though the day before yesterday just happened to be the day of that karate kid’s birthday,
Well,
I just won’t say it..

And instead even though yours is just over a week away,
Well,
Just as I eagerly have so much to say,
I also would like to right now,
Also,
Wish YOU,
A very,
Very,

Happy birthday