I feel:

I treat others nicely,
Yet (for example) too many respond with impatience,
Anger,
And ZERO social invites,
..,
That (I guess(?)) results from their,
Built up unprocessed trauma that gave them unconscious insecurity..?

Yet..,
Without getting lost in excessive analysis,
I’ll just continue with this:

I treat others the way I wish they’d treat me,
Such as with fairness,
Kindness and peacefulness,
..,
Yet they just wish to keep impulsively overpowering me,

And well,
As I believe..,
It’s the culture that unconsciously evolved over time:
Survival of the cruelest,

I just feel I must keep remembering to keep doing what I see fit,
To NOT psychologically NOR however “lose it”,
Because too many others will just pass individual and/or institutional judgment,
..,
I just can NOT count on most being compassionate,
And instead of inner resistance emotionally derailing me,
Well..,
Peaceful acceptance is what I HOPE to continually successfully practice..,

And even if many others understand what it means to be kind and compassionate,
Well,
To be real about it..,
They may also understand that too often their ego dominates their awareness and they just are NOT compassionate..,
Regardless..,
I feel,
There’s just NOT sufficient kindness NOR peacefulness in a culture of “survival of the ‘fittest’”,

Yeah I know..,
It’s NOT “let’s work together”,
..,
Whatever..,

Yet,
I treat others the way I wish they’d treat me,
And many others still keep on trying to make me feel inferior so their insatiable egos can feel “superior”,
Like I said..,
It’s the culture..,

When others ask me for a favor I get it done,
Like the people who I bought lunch for,
Did this and that for,
Yet they still just responded with insults,
Exclusion,
And endless forms of straight up hurtful judgment,

I just kept being kind to them while they responded with emotional egoic cruelty,
And yep,
That’s the cultural mentality,

So evidently,
I presently feel,
I’m NOT receiving the KIND energy I put out,

..,

Too often,
When I treat others how I want to be treated,
I just get mistreated,

It’s the culture..,
And..,
Why get more upset about what I can NOT change..?

..,

Too often,
Since I feel they’re hard to find,
I give up on finding those who will be nice to me,
And sometimes,
I feel stuck with those who are toxic for me,

I feel,
It IS presently just..,
The dominant mentality..,

Yep..,
It’s just the present mainstream mentality..,

TOO often,
I just let them treat me the way they do,
Because as for being powerless,
Alone and by myself,
What can I really do ?

I firmly believe one person can NOT significantly change the way stuff presently is,
So why not go back to a practice,
Of finding LESS inner painful resistance and MORE peaceful acceptance of what WE can NOT instantly significantly change ?

And yeah..,
What power do any of us by ourselves or in a small like-minded group REALLY have,
Over the dominant egoic meanness,
?

So yes,
I guess..,
Once again,
The best I can do to feel better,
Is find peace within,
Since I feel I can NOT change the POWERFUL EXTERNAL,

No matter how nasty the culture is that I’m presently stuck in,
..,
I can just keep trying to practice whatever it is I believe in,
That’ll guarantee an increased likelihood,
Of at least some inner peace increase,

??

Such as,
By first noticing my natural inhale and exhalations,
My chest expanding and contracting..,
And peacefully noticing any levels of mean energy passing,
Whether it’s presently manifesting and/or another memory of getting bullied..,
?
I feel I must just notice it and not add more inner stress because of it,

Whatever type of toxic energy it is,
Of course,
I feel I just must peacefully witness..,
WITHOUT emotionally losing my awareness in the toxic energy,
And INSTEAD finding and sustaining more and more peace to help emotionally balance me,

And I guess the more deeply I practice this,
The more I can clearly describe a viable step by step process,
Yet,
As for experiencing and/or describing it,
I feel it’s just infinite,

I feel there’s just always a better way to put it,

And well,
Instead of taking myself out,
..,
I’ll just ride my life out,
And letting the life energy wave,
Or current,
Or whatever is the “best” figure of speech to describe it..,
take me,

I’ll just let the current of life energy take me,
While NOT trying to escape what I can NOT,
NOR adding bad negative inner and external complaining/resisting energy to what I can NOT change,
And just keep trying to accept it,

As it is,

Step by step,
Moment by moment,
Attempt by attempt,

While (hopefully) sufficiently reminding myself,
That I’m here,
Right now,
And it’s alright

I guess there’s always another step on the infinite staircase..?
With infinitely more weight to carry,
Infinitely more emotions to process,
Infinitely more encounters to inwardly and externally prepare for,

I feel,
I can NOT “know” all of it,
And I feel,
It’s all infinite,

There’s always what I did and did NOT do,
Always another criticism,
Always what’s false and true,

There’s always something to watch out for,
Whether new and/or the same as before,

Always another present moment,
And always a step by step process,
Of finding peace within it,

And of course,
I must peacefully admit,
The staircase,
Is just infinite

?

I feel I’m just noticing as:

The obsessive compulsive energy is passing through me,
Including my ego,
Wanting to sound insightful,
..,
Yet I’ll admit,
As for my practice..,
Well..,
I haven’t been keeping up..,

And well,
As for this moment..,
I’m still..,
Noticing my natural breathing,
Noticing my chest expanding and contracting,
And I still (I guess(?))..,
Feel inner tension untangling..,
Or maybe that’s the alcohol’s inner numbing..?

Regardless..,
Even if I’m not in the clearest inner state,
With the fanciest,
Most elaborate and spot on figures of speech to describe it..,
I’d say as for what I need to do..,
I get it,

And of course I’d say..,
There’s just an infinitely deeper way,
To “brilliantly” convey it..,

?

And even though I have not been close to “perfect”..,
And regardless of how I may excuse or describe personal historic/environmental causes of that..,
Well..,
As for this moment..,
At least I’m still somewhat at peace with that..,

And as for whoever may disagree with me,
Such as due to their shaped world views that want to dismiss everything I been through,
And simply say I just have a “chemical imbalance”,
Or conveniently call my struggles a “mental illness”,
Well.. what can I do?

Why overthink?
Why lose sleep?
Why get internally emotionally imbalanced?
Why build ill will..?
Due to their impatient dismissal of my lived experience(s)..?
Or whatever disagreements they may inwardly carry..?

I can’t change what’s in them,
I can only find peace in me,

And even though I just happened,
To have not been perfect at it,

Well,
At least I’m still somewhat at peace,

As for this present moment

The feelings that I feel,
I can NOT change in an instant,

Because if I could,
Why would I NOT!!?

Why would I NOT decide to feel a certain way..,
If I could just “flip a switch” to instantly “brighten my day”?

I just STRUGGLE yet feel I must REMEMBER to witness the feelings in me,
As they remain passing gradually in their own way,

And well I feel I just happen to consistently mess up in my own way..(?),

And I feel I must say,
My mind can NOT think a way out of a bad feeling,
Especially if the bad feeling,
Is caused by OVERTHINKING,

I can NOT rationalize,
With inner unconscious IRRATIONAL forces..,

So as for the feelings that I can NOT change,
Well..,
I think it IS clear,

To..,
Well..,
Keep remembering to practice,
NOT engaging with them,
Such as..,
By NOT adding thinking to PAINFUL feelings caused by overthinking..,
By NOT adding inner tense resistance,
To what I can NOT instantly inwardly change in any presence,

?

And of course,
Yeah..,
As I fail too often..,
Well..,

I’d say I must once again,
Keep on witnessing without resisting,
Whatever,
Sensations are presently passing,

?

Inhale..

Exhale..

Yeah you know it..

?

Huhhhh,

Ahhhhhhh,

I guess the inevitable struggles just carry on..,
For however long..,

?

I feel:

My fragile insecure ego tries so hard,
To prove itself right,
That it causes me to lose sleep at night,
It causes me to lose focus at work,
It causes me to quit,
It makes me feel that nothing will ever work..,

The negativity that it always must prove “wrong”,
Always continues on,

There’s always something new,
To spend hours and hours,
Days and days,
Or however long,
It takes for my ego to prove “wrong”,

The negativity my ego “must” prove “wrong” fills me with misery,
It feels that most others who disagree,
Will never understand me the way I feel I need them to,

All the negativity that my ego wishes to tie together,
To just prove wrong all together,
Is just too much to keep up with,
And since problems and negativity can be infinite(?),
And since,
What is “wrong” seems to occur in infinite new forms and depths,
Well..,
My ego still can NOT admit,
That it can NOT prove “wrong” all that’s wrong,

There’s just always something else for my insecure ego to go on and on about,
That’s just wrong,

So I feel I must stay strong,
And continue to try being at peace with,
Whatever I can NOT change,
That is,
“Wrong”,

And it’s just so hard,
With all the sadness and negativity,
Whether it pertains to the drug industry,
Foreign Policy,
My painful history that I fail to let go of repeatedly,
Or whatever..,
That’s just,
Presently,
Out of my control….,

And regardless of the extent I’m “right” or “wrong”,
There’s just always something else,
That just happens to be “wrong”,

And well,
I feel I just need more inner peace,

To keep moving along

Re-posted:

I intend for these to be hypotheticals,
NOT political,
And I wish for NO one to take this painfully personally,
Which has happened before,
Yet I’ll keep that confidential,

And I had to spell out the word “Equals” because for some reason the math symbol did not appear when I posted it..,
Huhhhh..,

Well,
I guess here’s some basic (or however advanced..(?)) equations?
And regardless of however I did the math wrong or right..,
I feel:

Negativity ➕ Negativity Equals MORE Negativity(?),

Feeling stupid ➕ Being shown elaborate “research” you do NOT understand Equals A greater likelihood to trust WRONG information even if you do NOT understand it(?),

Being diagnosed with ADD ➕ Amphetamines ➕ Mania ➕ Sleep deprivation Equals A greater chance of spiraling into delusion(?),

Genetics ➕ cheaply prescribed medication during pregnancy ➕ the offspring getting repeatedly emotionally traumatized ➕ emotional development needs NOT being met ➕ the offspring getting prescriptions Equals An increased likelihood of lived experience(s) exacerbating genetic predispositions(?),

Egoic insecurity ➕ Trying to compensate for the insecurity by feeling “right” Equals Looking for something “wrong” to prove “wrong”? (Source, Eckhart Tolle, page 67, (2005), Penguin Books, New York, New York),

Wanting to prove “right” in order to feel “secure” ➕ Talking with people in online threads who will NOT listen to a word you say because they want to ALSO prove you “wrong” to feel “secure” Equals Wasting time and an increase in painful divisive energy(?),

Traumatic experiences that shaped a species’ evolution that has therefore evolved into an unconscious culture of bullying ➕ Pressure to conform ➕ Excessive fear of Isolation Equals An increased likelihood of MORE bullying(?),

“Friends” busting another friend’s balls ➕ an INability to make a come back to the “playful” insults Equals Emotional bullying, and an increased likelihood of future mental health problems for the victim..(?),

Thinking something ➕ Something else Equals Always equals the same outcome Equals Closed minded thinking(?),

For-profit/For-power funded research ➕ Omitting negative research conclusions of medication(s) Equals Greater drug sales(?),

Trauma ➕ Depressing materialistic culture ➕ Greater mental health problems ➕ Dismissal of inner healthing practices Equals A greater demand for psychiatric prescriptions, even among those who prescribe them(?),

Over-thinking ➕ Thinking of a Solution Equals More over-thinking(?),

Problems ➕ Complaining Equals No action(?),

Anger ➕ Anger ➖ Self-Control Equals A greater chance of Violence(?),

Being labeled as “disabled” ➕ Bullying Equals Damaged self-confidence and high anxiety(?),

Meditation ➕ Trustworthy Like-minded community Equals A greater chance of inner peaceful development(?),

Insecurity ➕ Simple ideas ➕ Fancy words and phrases ➕ Elaborate diagrams/schematic representations Equals Disguised Unconscious Stupidity(?),

Being told to have Freedom of Speech ➕ Being canceled (if not killed) for saying certain stuff Equals A “double-bind”(?),
(Source: Alan Watts (1966), page 73, Vintage Books, New York),

If an UNhealed abusive past ➕ being a loner ➕ x Equals more mass shootings,
Solve for x..,
a.) recreational weed
b.) rapid fire assault rifles
c.) prescription side-effects
d.) choice “b”, choice “c” and “e”
e.) inadequate background checks
f.) all the above
g.) none of the above

I will NOT answer..,
And I guess(?) this may be another:

Standardized testing ➕ Pressure to succeed Equals:

a.) Greater thirst for knowledge
b.) More hating of learning
c.) both choice “b” and “d”
d.) Lower standards

I would guess choice “c” as in choice “b and d”..?
Since it was NOT standardized tests that inspired my blog posts..,
Since standardized tests did NOT teach me my most important life lessons, etc, etc..,
And certain teachers I’ve had I’d say would strongly agree(?),
(among however many others who also agree(?)),
Yet well,
Apparently (as I remember hearing from certain teachers) many teachers were still forced to teach “to the test” and forced to be evaluated JUST based on test scores.. and of course I believe in maybe at least some testing..
YET as for a good learning spirit..
I’d say TOO MUCH pressure to get a “high enough” test score did NOT provide me with the good energy I needed to succeed..?
NOR to of course,
Positively “thirst for knowledge”,

Yet if you feel the answer is “a” then okay,
Therefore,
As I said in the beginning..,
Of course these are hypotheticals so I do NOT intend to get political and I apologize if I stirred up some bad feelings especially since I feel inner peace is the answer..,

And well,
I apologize if I over explained however much of that,
And I just may be wrong,
?
Yet I just hope that my feelings I felt a need for others to hear,
Were sufficiently clear,

Yet as for one other equation,

Different experiences ➕ Different development support levels Equals Different points of View(?),

Well,
I’d say,
That since I can NOT control what others view,
As true,
..,
Then maybe it’s best to NOT obsessively prove myself right?
Since I just can NOT control,
Of what others deeply view as “wrong” or “right”..,

Hence,
Even if the ways others disagree,
Causes harmful pain within me,
Well..,
Instead of losing myself in painful overthinking,
I’ll just,
Try my best,
To once again,
Remember to witness,
My naturally occurring breathing,
In addition,
To whatever else I must be practicing..

?

Oh yeah so one other thing,
As for this context,
If someone knows what they’re doing is wrong,
Then why would they keep doing it if they’re NOT forced to NOR threatened if they do NOT do it?

So yeah,
It makes sense that the person who bullied me claims they “did NOT”,
Since they merely were NOT aware of the effects it was having on me,
And therefore,
Since they were NOT aware,
And therefore still might NOT be(?),
Of the emotional harm it was causing me,

Of course,
Some may have just not have known how to properly develop self-control,
Yet regardless,
Their egos who are too insecure to feel wrong,
Will just continue to “excuse it”

For one,
I do NOT intend to get political,
Nor however confrontational,
These are just some,
Hypotheticals..,
So,
I feel that:

Of course they would NOT remember how they hurt me,
They were NOT emotionally affected as severely,
And many just may NOT have had the same predisposed emotional hyperreactivity(?),
NOR learning challenges to the same degree(?),
And maybe,
They did NOT come from NON-mainstream divorced parents with a family 1,000 miles away..?
And regardless of how many others may have painfully struggled,
At least they were LESS alone..?

Yeah I know I can NOT speak for others,
Yet I wish they’d NOT speak for me,
I wish they would NOT tell me they “know everything” about what I’ve been through before I even share at least some of it with them..,
..,
Yeah well,
As for what they may mean in certain contexts I’ll try to give them the (as they say) “benefit of the doubt” and try to interpret it more broadly and peacefully..,

Yet,
Even from many who try to “help me”,
I even feel they just,
Often..,
Misunderstand me..,

And well,
Yes,
Of course genetics and imbalancing chemicals may have affected me(?),
Yet I feel it was largely my LIVED EXPERIENCES that made those emotional chemicals painfully hard to sufficiently balance in me,
So must I be heavily prescribed something with research funded by a for-profit and/or whatever type of power seeking powerful institution(s)?
Or..,
Regardless of my externally powerless situation..,
Must I stay on a path of natural inner peaceful cultivation?
Hopefully with the side-effect(s) being,
Various forms of..,
Inner peaceful liberation..(?),

And even if there’s just for-profit/for-power “theories” and zero real proof?
Yes,
To use their words..,
I may have a “chemical imbalance”,
But how must that really be treated?
And did bullying exacerbate it?

And instead of simplistically dismissing my pain as an imbalance of chemicals,
Can they INSTEAD say I have a “mood dysregulation challenge”..?
That meanness from others may exacerbate?
To be more clear about why I am the way I am instead of ignoring the culture of bullying and instead simply saying I have a “chemical imbalance” and that I just must shut my mouth and take my medication?
I’m just trying to keep it real in this written expression..,

And well,
If I block out one emotion through medication,
Will that “balance” my chemicals in a helpful direction?
And although many people say they believe in “my body my rights”?
Well..,
As they say,
“Actions speak louder than words”..,
Riiiiight ??

Huhh..,
And (of course) I’m trying to feel LESS inwardly painfully tight..,
Yet I can NOT awaken overnight,

I just,
Feel I must keep working at getting through the day,
And relaxing to fall asleep at night,
Or whenever I have a chance to get as much sleep as I need,

So everyday,
I feel I must remind myself to stay on a peaceful path,
In whatever helpful way,

Yet for me this remains a challenge,
Practically everyday,

And I’ll just keep “staying strong”,
As many essentially say

?

Would a “specialist” on autism,
Listen to my unique history with the condition,
Or would they just say,
“No no no, it’s JUST because you have a chemical imbalance,”
Or,
“Take your medication!”
Or..,
“This is why you must stay on medication”,
Etc, etc..,

Huhh..,
I’ll just never win against any powerful institution,
So however others want to control me,
Well..,
If I improve at accepting what I can NOT control,
Such as inevitably remaining under whoever’s control,

Then well..,
Hopefully the inner acceptance,
Leads to LESS painful inner resistance,
And therefore,
More,
Peacefulness

I told my dad how my friend repeatedly made me buy him lunch and throw out everyone’s garbage,
And that was a causing factor of depression,
That gave the school administration,
And whichever for-profit drug institution,
A “justification”,
To try to put me on heavy loads of medication,

And my dad wondered why he did NOT hear about the bullying,
Since he said he would have told my “friend’s” mom..,

And I told him a reason that,
I did NOT tell anyone,
Was because I wanted to “keep it cool”,

Since he was one of my only “friends” who’d accept me..,
Or maybe he then wanted to hang out with my step-brother and I just happened to be there?

Regardless,
Like I said in “friendship Stockholm syndrome”,
Well..,
Sometimes the only friends I feel I can find,
Are those who want to feel control over me in order for their egos to feel a sense of superiority..,

And in order to NOT “kill the vibe”,
I just thought I’d decide,
To not tell anyone,

And well..,
Especially since I did NOT know how to let it go,
And since I’m struggling to let it go,
It just is now,
Coming out,
In writing