When pain has nothing left to teach,
Where else do I turn?
What,
How,
And where else do I learn?

When pain has nothing left to teach,
How do I stay strong?
And not take the PAINFUL “easy” way out?
..,
Of course I’ll keep trying,
No doubt,

When pain has nothing left to teach,
What else do I focus on?
How else do I “carry on”?

When pain has nothing left to teach,
Must I ask..,
Did I really learn my lesson?
Or was it truly ever CLEAR?

When pain has nothing left to teach,
How are the remaining affects,
Truly affecting me?

When pain has nothing left to teach,
And if I still can NOT avoid it,
How must I handle it?

When pain has nothing left to teach,
Who else must I contact and reach?

When pain has nothing left to teach,
Well..,
I guess I can still work on inner peace,
Even if I’m NOT,
Relaxed at the beach

?

Amongst the vast infinite life energy functions,
There’s only so much my mind is capable of understanding,
And I would say that about anyone’s mind,
HENCE,
I feel I must deepen my awareness,
That expands beyond just my mind,
And includes more of my inner body..,
Yet as always,
It has NOT always felt easy for me..,
Yet this is what I feel I must do,
To deeply feel better..,
To excel at whatever and however,

And I come from a different environment,
With different condition(s),
That continue to be shaped,
And manifest in unique ways,
..,
And I guess since we all are “unique” to varying degrees,
Those just happen to be ways in which I’m unique,
However good or bad..,
?

Huhh,
I know my past experiences have shaped how I tend to interpret others’ energy,
Yet I’d say,
Even though I have a long way to go,
I still,
Came a LONG way..,
Anyway..,

I would say,
My ego only likes being around people with my remaining “neurodivergent” struggles if we’re making a JOINT effort to overcome them..,
Well..
I guess I should NOT be that judgmental and therefore be more OPEN and therefore NOT be blinded by my insecure fragile ego,
(Since if I accept and open to MORE.. I guess I’ll (more likely) have LESS inner painful resistance to whatever is my inevitable present experience..(?)),
Yet (I feel) there’s often another person who uniquely triggers some kind(s) of frustration,
..,
And as for writing,
Well,
Tests said I’d do “better” at mathematics..,
Yet although that may be a necessity,
It just did NOT gravitate towards my curiosity,
..,
And well,
Since inspiration,
PLUS,
proper support,
(More likely),
EQUALS,
A better developed ability..?
Well..,
As for writing,
I’d say I showed a developed ability..?
That test scores,
Certain teachers and administrators,
NEVER,
Foreseen in me,

And as for what’s to come,
I feel there’s just that uncertainty

I believe that:
Since there’s infinite simultaneous occurrences,
That are always occurring,
Any human level of awareness can NOT possibly capture it all in any form of expression(s),
Especially NOT in words,
That may be interpreted quite narrowly,
?

So,
As for writing about “everything”,
Well,
I’m just trying to reduce pressure,
To discover and sustain,
More inner peace,

Sometimes my mind really derails me,
Huhh..,
If I have an over-thinking problem,
I’d say I can NOT solve it by more thinking,

It may be better to at least start,
By regaining focus,
On my breathing,

Just saying..

The less I expect,
The more I can live with,
And the more I can live with,
The more I can keep going,

Maybe my sleep and emotions will get out of balance here and there?
Yet,
If I don’t panic,
If I just witness,
I may once again,
Become sufficiently,
Equanimous,
?

Hence,
In moments where a current of pain,
And/or any type of inner energy,
Becomes too wild and out of balance,
And/or immensely painfully difficult to manage..,

Well,
If I do NOT panic,
Yet if I,
Relax and swim to the side,
I may relax at the shore again

So what if what I manifest as now becomes just another “typical” body in the morgue,
Or wherever..,
?

Why does my ego always “have to” be “special” and “extraordinary” or “exceptional”?
Yeah I know it’s insecure,
fragile and insatiable,

Yet as for this context,
Even if I’m just,
“No different”,
Then why get so sad about it?

Why not just try to find more peace in the moment..?
Wherever the consciousness I believe to manifest as a part of is at?

I guess I may manifest as one form then at random join as part of another form,
That forms out of the same infinitely deeper energy,
Regardless of other forms it creates,
Regardless of however it manifests..,
Always,
(So to speak),
As a wave of consciousness,
?

I guess ?

(Source: the title idea was inspired by Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” (1979))

When I access an ability,
That I never thought I’d ever see in me,

As for others..,
Instead of realizing that I struggled in certain ways previously,
And significantly overcame them due to hard work,
For example..,
Others might assume that I “always” had that ability,
Yet was just being “lazy”,
Because their egos look for putting down others to feel “superiority”,
And because they just do NOT know,
NOR experienced my history,

And of course,
We all have a story,
And I guess I’d say,
?
Many of us came a long way..,
And well..,

So did I

Okay so I’m determined to keep this new job..,
And since getting treated like shit I felt will just be,
An INEVITABLY..,
I (of course) on my first day (that I spent the first part of being trained) got triggered by something relatively minor,
And after my first shift,
While (of course) mainly focusing on driving home in my mom’s car,
And after..,
There was a background voice that was like..,
“I’m NOT gonna let this get to me!”
..,
“I’m NOT gonna let this get to me!”
..,
And well..,
I guess(?) because thinking did NOT help me find inner peace..,
It just got to me..,
And that just may be a reason why I’m writing about this..(?),
..,
Yet I also hope to (in general) share what (if anything) I may have been reminded of due to any experience(s)..,
Such as any lesson(s) I feel as important,
?

Sometimes..,
As the difficult experience occurs and/or afterwards..,
The most minute instance(s) of disrespect triggers pain from my past that I struggle to let go of..,
Or the minute instance ends up being the “straw that breaks my back”..,
So yeah..,
Finding,
And sufficiently sustaining the inner peace I need to succeed..,
Has just been so hard..,
And well..,
At least I’m using my remaining sensitivity,
To share what I feel others and myself may just need to remember..(?),

So yes,
Instead of my inner sensitivity emotionally derailing me,
I hope to use it properly,
Such as sharing what I learned,
That may just help me..(?),
Such as using inner sensitive awareness,
For..,
Building stronger inner peacefulness,

And although this instance on my first day was NOT that bad,
Well..,
As for OTHER past instances where the customers have been VERY disrespectful..,
My ego often wishes it could have arrested them..,
Yet (for example) even if I could arrest those who are verbally nasty towards me..,
Will more of that negative ego energy..,
Help me attain more inner peace that’ll give me the strength to be,
As clear and strong as my present ability allows me?
Especially for whenever that may be quite NECESSARY..(?),

Okay so..,

This random woman asks about something that’s usually “on sale”,
I tell her it’s my first day,
She politely says,
“Good luck”,
Then while offering to get a coworker,
And then while returning the woman then says,
Referring to me,
“Oh it’s the guy who didn’t know!”

And I’m like..,
Damn..,

I go out of my way to bring someone back to help her out,
And she all of a sudden insults me while knowing it was my first day..,

And later on I ask the lady,
“Were they able to help you?”,
She responds by essentially saying “yes”,
And assuming she forgot that I helped her by getting someone else to help her..,
I’m like..,
“Oh because I got that person to help you out that’s why”..,
And she looks at me as if I’m crazy and insincerely says,
“Thank you”..,

And (at some point) I was like too myself..,
Well..,
F*CK YOU!!

And well..,
For obvious reasons such as remaining peaceful and civilized.. and that I NEED a job..,
I just had to be polite,
And unfortunately,
Even though this was such a minor instance,
Well..,
It just still stuck with me,
And maybe just,
“Blew itself out of proportion” within me..,

Yeah..,
I would guess that..(?),
This MOST LIKELY if not worse,
May very likely still occur EVEN in FAR less hectic retail environments than that other place I quit working at TWICE (Costco)..,
And well..,
I’m back at the struggle of NOT letting others’ bad energy derail me,

I just hope I can remain in alignment with my integrity..,
In this case,
By staying strong and keeping a job,
Even if others do NOT fairly reciprocate the respect I give them,
Even if many (if not all) are (or become) straight up NASTY..,
I’ll just keep trying to find and remain with any level of peace within me,
..,
And ohh it has NOT been NOR remains easy..,

Even if I just hate the job,
Even if I’m having OCD juggling goals..,
I feel I still MUST play my part to at least try to help make organized society NOT fall apart NOR become worse than it is..,
Well..,
I need,
A job,

And too keep that job,
And do my part with helping the work run easier,
I’d say..,
I really need more inner peace,
And I hope to just keep trying,
To let go of more and more of (what I often consider as) my painful past,
And I (of course) hope to NOT get emotionally triggered then derailed as easily,

And I hope for it to one day,
Feel easy

Although this may be obvious(?) I still felt a need to post this,
And if whoever struggles to clearly put this into words..(?),
Then maybe they feel it to be true?
Yet I of course feel I must respectfully speak for myself especially in this online context..,
So I feel that:

We must NOT forget that,
Like pretty much anything,
There’s a spectrum,
And of course that includes with trauma,
Hence what I chose to title this:
“Emotional Trauma Spectrum”,

And as for the “Trauma” Spectrum,
I feel that,
Of course there are subcategories,
Such as an,
Emotional Trauma spectrum,
Physical Trauma spectrum,
Etc, etc..,

In my belief..,
Some traumas might be minor,
Such as insults,
And others may be major,
Such as getting nearly beaten to death,
(As a hypothetical..),

And I feel the energy someone uses when mentioning the word “trauma” may imply the degree of severity..?
Yet I guess that (unless the word is overused..(?))..,
Well..,
If someone says that someone is “traumatized” it may (at least sometimes) imply something BAD..?
Such as whether the person is psychologically damaged due to unhealed repeated/internally built up instances of micro traumas,
Or that..,
Well..,
They nearly got beaten to death..,
For example..,

So yes,
I’d say that just because something may be a “micro” trauma such as being called an offensive word..,
Then well..,
If it happens repeatedly over time,
(For example),
I guess..(?),
It may still have a significant effect on the individual depending on how the individual internally emotionally reacts to the trauma..(?),
Such as..,
Does the person sufficiently inwardly “let go” and/or heal their emotional pain caused by the trauma?
Or does the person feel NOT able to STOP thinking and/or being distracted by their remaining level of inner emotional trauma/pain?
And over time..,
(As I’d guess..(?)),
The individual just may further solidify a trauma response tendency that shapes their awareness and therefore,
The choices/decisions they continue to make,
Including how they consciously respond or unconsciously react to any levels of trauma,
?

And (I feel) of course,
People inwardly/psychologically react and/or respond,
To the same types of trauma(s) individually uniquely,
Hence I would say that we have our own unique/innate response tendencies to trauma that get shaped over time (and therefore shape us over time..),
Such as due to the individual level(s) of information and/or emotional support people may encounter to peacefully heal and/or peacefully respond to any level of trauma they may ever encounter,
Or have encountered in any point in time,
If not NOW..,

And of course,
I believe,
Since pain and pleasure may be infinite(?),
Therefore,
Both ends,
Or whatever ends,
Of certain spectrum(s) are probably infinite..(?),
Hence..,
And yes this may be obvious..,
Yet well..,
Who knows how bad traumatic experience(s) may get and/or affect someone..?

And well..,
Even though this may also be obvious(?),
I feel that many feel what “should” be regarded as a “trauma” is LARGELY opinion based,
(And maybe many opinions/world views were largely shaped by traumatic experiences(?) such as an abusive past turning someone into an emotionally distant (so-called) “hardass”.., hence ONE reason the “hardass” may have became emotionally distant was because the emotions the person experienced while getting abused were too painful so all the individual then knew was to “block them out” as much as the person felt to be possible.., hence the individual is now emotionally unaware/distant from THEMSELVES and therefore others(?)),
And well..,
I’d say..,
That any degree of trauma,
Will have at least some effect on most,
If not everyone,
(Of course.., I feel the type of effect(s) largely depend on the way and degree individuals consciously or unconsciously respond/react and/or however individuals may uniquely handle any traumatic experience(s) they may ever encounter..(?)),

?

And well,
I feel,
Since many (if not all) people,
Who help run society,
And perpetuate and/or develop existing culture(s),
May have been uniquely affected by at least some degree(s) of traumatic experience(s)..(?),
Then well,
I’d say that varying degrees of trauma,
Underlie just about everything,
Including societal structure and/or sociopolitical function/dysfunction,
?

And well,
I’d say..,
The MORE that MORE of us heal our own trauma,
Then the MORE we just may heal overall society
?

And as for me..,
Well..,
I hope I keep successfully handling trauma in ways..,
That help me,
To at least some degree,
Sustain my sanity,

Yet as I made clear in my posts..,
Well..,
I feel,
It has NOT often felt easy,

Yet of course,
I plan to keep trying my best,
To develop more inner peaceful positivity,
That I ALSO of course hope to helpfully emanate,
Externally..,

I’ll just..,

Keep trying..,

Such as, With whatever I feel I must get better at remembering to keep practicing

I feel:
It’s like..,
My ego can NOT always find who is the “most deserving” of another post where I vent about a considerable amount of the messed up shit the person did to me and/or the effect(s) it happened to have on me..,
And regardless that there’s always a lot I just do NOT find time NOR energy to include,
..,
At least I (somewhat) already mentioned the people who were the worst and who I still have included in plenty of NOT yet shared short stories..,
And well..,
It just becomes more painful obsessive compulsiveness,
(That (I feel) of course results from anxious insecurity that (also) got EXACERBATED due to bullying they gave me..),
Yet..,
For one..,
I MOST PROBABLY will encounter MORE and MORE of people who will act pointlessly cruel to me who I can then (if I choose to) post about..(?),
(Especially due to the dominant unconscious toxic mentality that (I feel) just seems to effect so many..),
And well..,
Even though I can NOT get to all of it..,
And as for..,
After writing about what one person did to me..,
And then feeling pressured to write about what another person did,
Then another and however many others..(?),
Well I’d say it..,
Can often get painfully EXHAUSTING,
Because well..,
I’m just immersing myself in so much dark memories and/or energy..,
And it does NOT help me continue with a practice of building more and longer positivity..,
For reasons such as,
I’m just emanating writing that (instead of inner healing) remains as external negativity..,
..,
Yet I do try including something positive (even in posts that may just be quite negative)..,
And as of now I’ll keep and can ALWAYS revise even what I made public..,
Point is..,
I feel I must remind myself that another step towards more positivity is letting go of more and more harmful stuff others have done to me..,
(Regardless of the extent(s) I write about it or NOT..),

And well..,
Since I already have this stuff wrote,
I’ll include it,
While of course,
Trying to be more positive while looking back at whatever I happen to look back at..,

?

Okay as for you I’d say I’m more okay moving on..,
You were more of a friend,
Even though (mostly in 7th grade) you often made me throw out everyone’s garbage a number of times,
Including making our other friend do it (less times but still a considerable amount) who also happened to do some messed up shit to me additionally,

Like how he “blamed” me for bringing my younger brother “trick-or-treating” with us,
Which especially was NOT cool to my younger brother..,
Yet..,
You said to that guy “don’t blame Zach..”,
Which I thank you for (as for that)..,

And even though you’d pressure me to buy you lunch,
And made me throw everyone’s garbage out..,
And once immensely criticized (or brutally shamed) me for not always going along with the group (in sixth grade) such as when I spent time by myself snowboarding in the front yard of my mom’s house..,

And well..,
As for my other friend from college who once called me “dunce” (for no valid reason) during a vacation in Miami..,
And once yelled really loud in the room to see if I’d jump.. and said it was “weird” that I did NOT..,
And who essentially once said that me and my “pledge brothers” went from “sorry sacks of shit to less sorry sacks of shit”..,
Well..,
I’m going to try keep being real,
While of course,
Letting go of more and more of it,

And focus on,
At least,
Some more positive moments,

Hence,
As for the title,
I hope to feel,
More and more okay,
(Or better),
While,

Moving on

Wow..,
This was the same year,
And around the time when that “friend” who was an actor..,
Including those guys from the fraternity were doing that shit to me..,
Wow..,
2017 was another BAD year for me,

Sometimes I just struggle to let it go,
And I remember how you as my supervisor would constantly say we “sucked”,
How you said it’s “no surprise” when I told you I had autism..,
..,
There were all those times you would wine and be like,
Referring to us when you said,
“This is so special Ed!!”
Then I got mad,
And you criticized me for losing my temper,
In addition to EMPHASIZING how I “can’t take criticism”,
When from you it was just straight up insults,
And due to me mildly expressing how I’d get offended,
You just said I “can’t take criticism”..,
..,
No no..,
You were like,
“Ohhh you can NOT take ANY criticism..”,
Damn..,
Your emotionally sadistic energy really got to me..,

You just had to remind me how I would have,
“Never lasted as park ranger”,
When I walked into for a break you were like,
“Did you not do what I fucking said!!?”
And I said I’ll do it “after break”,
Because what difference would it really make!!?

Yet you just had to keep on criticizing..,
And when I exclaimed that “I won’t take my break and I’ll do it now!”
That gave you another reason to criticize how I responded to you while you completely DISREGARDED how you were mean to me..,

And oh yeah..,
You’d constantly curse,
And when a curse would OCCASIONALLY slip out of my mouth,
It was a “problem”..,

Wow..,
And even after how hard I worked on the garbage,
And even though I’d practically get it all done you’d still say I “sucked”,

And well,
At least your assistant supervisor kindly admitted to me that he,
Here and there (way less than you),
Treated me in certain ways that were NOT right..,
Like the time he yelled at me when I asked him to repeat himself,
And the time he yelled at our maintenance team even though he (at the same time) apologized for offending us..,
So he gets a pass,
But NOT YOU,
Especially since in your point of view,
You definitely felt,
And may still do..(?),
That you,
Did “nothing wrong”,

Well in my belief,
Aside from all else that happened and whatever memories I could have expanded on..,
Well..,
I strongly feel that..,
The way you often treated me was just..,

WRONG