I feel:

For example,

If someone says something offensive and says they’re joking?
Does that take the pain away?

Well..,
I guess a lot has to do with energy?
And my inner awareness of how to respond to it in ways that do NOT harm me,

What’s more deep,
Words or energy?

What’s deeper in truth?
Words or energy?

So if someone claims to be “joking”?
When the energy sounds serious,
I feel that if I don’t know how to take it less serious,
Then the effects may be,
SERIOUS,

As for that,
I’m serious

I feel that:

Although there’s NO guarantee,
I feel that it may just be,
More likely,
For me to experience more gratitude,
Happiness,
Satisfaction,
Or whatever sensation regarded as worth experiencing,
If I properly do,
What I need to,

Although there’s no guarantee,
If I improve what I must,
I guess it’s more likely I’ll feel improvement in areas I was NOT initially expecting,
I just need to consistently,
To the best of my present changing ability..,
Huhh..,
I just need to REMIND myself to keep trying the “right thing”,
And hopefully it’ll be beautifully rewarding..,

And yeah I know there is NO guarantee,

Yet I also feel,
Instead of feeling an obsessive need to write every new thing..,

Why don’t I just keep at the right practice,
And in any ways I may ever see fit,
Increase any experience I prefer to experience

??

I feel I must remind myself,
To do what I must to simultaneously improve everything,
Instead of trying to get to “everything” at separate times..,

Why don’t I just,
Do what will improve the most at once?

And no I do NOT mean multitasking..,
I mean inwardly preparing myself for anything,
And I hope to increasingly improve it,
Whenever the times keep coming..,

Huhhh..,
I guess I need another reminder to,
“Work smarter and NOT harder”,

Yep..,

I’m just trying to chill,
So I have LESS inner weight,
In addition to whatever I happen to carry,
Up any,
Hill

I feel that:

Yes,
I feel if we have different environmental experiences (in addition to whatever else is different) we’ll end up seeing,
Feeling (and whatever else) differently..,

Maybe I’m obsessively feeling a need to write this so I know it has been written and stored somewhere incase people “forget”,
So yes it’s probably my ego attempting to feel more “secure” and it is an attempt at a slight validation (impermanent) sensation..,
Sometimes I get impulsive..,
Just trying to.. how do I say it..?
Just trying to.. oh forget it..,

And maybe I need to write that (or a lot) in a way that reads “better”..?
GUESS it’s..,
“Whatever”..,

Yet,
Something I feel a need to remember,
Is that since truth is always there,
It never goes away,

So even if I forget some set of words I planned to write down,
Express or whatever,
At least that whatever I believe as true,
Has ALWAYS been here,
And remains forever,

Yeah..,
So I guess I never needed to write anything..,
It’s just something,
That makes me feel good,
Such as feeling gratified..,

As of now..,
I like to write,
Yet I feel..,
I must not forget..,
To always try finding peace,
In any present inevitable,
Present moment

I feel that I often feel:

Even if I try to take a look,
At my dominant point(s) of view,
There can still be,
Someone who may see,
What I do NOT see in me,
Since I feel,
We can always get a NEW point of view,
Infinitely,
More clearly,
Infinitely,
More deeply,

So yes,
I may always never see,
However a deeper point of view,
May express,
Whatever I cannot see,
That is true,

And my view may expand,
Yet,
Since I can always see more,
I feel,
There’s always at least one point of view that can see,
What I cannot,

Infinitely

Even when I socially join with the “flow” externally,
I feel,
That I do NOT feel peaceful,
Sufficiently inwardly..,

And as for when a work of writing is “ready”,
Well..,
I feel there is NOT a time limit,
It just takes as long as it takes for me to reasonably complete it..,

Others may tell me it requires “at least a year”,
And that my words need to be “perfectly clear”,

And I’m like,
I’m just NOT gonna try to get clouded by what others may think and judge,

Yet I guess I made it adequately clear,
That (for me) it’s felt hard,
To feel,
Sufficiently,
Clear

(Re-posted)

Since my ego wants creative awareness,
And since the more I reduce my ego the better I create,
(Such as (due to) causing the inner pressure to further dissipate(?)),
The more I GIVE UP my ego,
The more I create,
Ohhh..,
It fills my insatiable ego with hate,

Although my friends may not have been the worst,
As for a lot of them,
I can do better..,
Yet as always I try to increasingly peacefully accept and therefore feel that “it’s whatever”,

Huhh..,
I don’t plan to go on and on..,
I’m just like come on..,

?

Let’s just inclusively collectively collect and organize ourselves,
Or must I say “sufficiently consistently” or is that excessive fear of misunderstandings and OCD!!?
Oh how my energy intensity..,
Derails..,
And/or just drives me crazy!!?
Let’s just do what we can,
Discover more of what we can..,

Yet still,
I feel most will NOT,
Oh well..,

Just gotta keep trying at,
Reducing,
And,
Avoiding,
What just gives me,
Pointless suffering,
And just damages me,
With ZERO resulting rewards,

Clearly,

And if..,
My insecurity..,
Causes..,
Any SLURS to slip out..,
Oh I know I gotta watch out,

And well,
As for me and my disability,
I got a lot of shit thrown at me,
So you know what!?
I say what I want..,

And therefore,
To (try to) use this term broadly,
I’ll add that as safely as I can,
Well..,
I try to utilize my opportunity of living free,
And accessing,
Using then sustaining that inner freedom in whatever (such as in whatever external legal situation with immense limitation(s))..,
To do my best at being my best,
As for HELPFUL expression,
Well if I can’t share what I feel then peace is what I still wish to increasingly feel,

Regardless..,
I still struggle finding enough peace in any inevitable situation,

Man..,
Did that stanza above the above one make sense?
Huhh..,
I just (feel I) need to relax in deeper presence..,

For myself and whoever,
I always try to be,

Clearer,

I try to find freedom within,
To feel the least restricted,
Regardless of however I’m externally authoritarian-ly restricted(?)..,

Yep..,
Just gotta find clearness in the inner foundation..,
It ain’t easy..,
And it may be obvious,
Yet I struggle to sufficiently continue to,

Practice,

And as I feel I implied (possibly many times) before,
Well,
I feel there’s always more stuff to say,
Such as..,
Ideas,
Words,
In whatever order,
..,
I feel it can be infinitely creatively spot on,
..,
And I still feel I need to further develop this post..,
Yet why can’t I just chill,

Like.. come on!!

Yes I can get infinitely deeper in analysis,
Yet regardless,
However much I analyze or not..,
I just want to..,
Enjoy this presence..,

And I still don’t feel like I sufficiently,
Broadly,
Expressed this,

Huhh..,

Yeah it’s been not as chill as it could be for me,
As I feel,
In this presence..,

Or whatever is a better way to describe this

??

Yeah..,
I just struggle to accept that,
I feel,
It can always,
Be better..,

Do I need to quote that??

Huhhh..,

WHATEVER

I (of course) feel that part of socially “staying on the same page”,
Requires me to,
Of course..,
ALSO have something to offer,

So if there’s some WATER I try to become a part of..,
Sometimes I just can’t instantly sufficiently immerse as part of it..,
Huhh.. what’s the better word (or best worded set of words(?)) I need for expressing it..?
..,
Or to say it more literally while STILL trying to type figuratively..,
Sometimes I can’t perform some unheard of stylish stroke,
Down the river,
Sometimes I just gotta swim to the side,
To save myself from the deadly tide,
Ohh I find it hard to find where those compassionate like-minded folks hide,

And regardless of my strokes,
Regardless if my figures of speech are jokes,
Regardless if I get too triggered by another’s joke(s),

Huhh..,
Guess if my thoughts and energy is in sync then will my reactions (like comments to add to a conversation) be in sync..(?),
Guess everyone’s got something else to say as for what they think..(?),
As for losing it I (feel I) must remain CLEAR to steer away from whichever brink..,
That’s obvious don’t ya think?

But I’m just,
Trying to express,
How I think yes,
Yet..,
How I..,
Still feel I..,

Experience,

And even though this post may benefit from a lot of work,
I hope what I additionally had to offer here,
Somewhat..,
Yes..,
I hope it somewhat worked

Tuhh..,
I feel that,
A guy who told me,
“You have to choose friends wisely”,
Was also NOT a good friend for me..,
Like that time I asked what he did for work and he was like..,
“I already told you 😑😑😑”,
And I’m like to myself..,
“You ain’t good for me”..,
And if it was me well I feel I would have repeated myself patiently..,
Yet..,
He just was the only peer there for me,

Aside from that..,
I feel I may describe (a lot of) it..,
Similar to how I did in my post titled: “If I knew IT would come to This”..,
That well..,
I may have often experienced what could be described as social/emotional (and/or “friendship”) “Stockholm Syndrome”,

Hence,
When the isolation gets to me,
I keep going back to the only friends who invite me,
Yet,
They STILL act UNkind to me,
To of course,
Compensate for their insecurity,
And since (in my belief) this does NOT heal the inner sources of it,
Yet,
They just keep treating me like shit,
And..,
When I confront them for it,
They just keep on denying the reality of it,

And when I lose it,
They continue to gaslight me,
And therefore try to tell me that I was the one who was “crazy”,
That I was the one who was (and/or is) “wrong”,
Since their messed up egos can NOT admit the reality,
That their dominant energy is mean and irrational,
And mine is kind and peaceful..,

They just remain unaware..,
Of how much it is,
Unfair,

And as for the rare moments when I have been severely out of it..,
Some (if not many) just blame me for it,
Instead of helpfully understanding,
Instead of empathetically helping me reduce and/or prevent it,
Which may also help them cultivate more inner peace(?),
Therefore they’ll have LESS unconscious insecurity to dump on me (due to trying to feel more secure and a sense of power..),
So instead we’ll BOTH be cultivating peace properly..,
We’ll both be improving ourselves internally which we can utilize EXTERNALLY,
Yet (I feel that) since this unfortunately is NOT the mainstream reality..,
I therefore must keep working to discover a more like-minded friend group community..,
As I keep trying to further let go of the others and all they did to me,

Oh how isolation has been a struggle,
And sometimes the only ones who end up responding are those who are severely INCOMPATIBLE..,
And when I keep it real they act as if I’m “delusional”,

Huhhh..,
I seek more strength,
Of finding and developing more friendships around those who are more HELPFUL,

One in which I give kind energy,
That they reciprocate fairly,
And in any few moments when I may be struggling,
Instead of merely criticizing,
Instead of doing whatever (due to whatever) that is worsening,
They’ll (hopefully INSTEAD) offer compassionate understanding,
And (hopefully) they’ll (sufficiently) know how to ACTUALLY help,
In the process of,

For all of us,

Inner healing..,

And well..,
Maybe I can just keep trying to properly work on myself(?)..,
And as for most others I’ll have to get myself to stop dreaming..,
And hopefully expect (mostly if not totally) nothing..,
And find more peace in me,
Especially since I feel I can NOT change others,
And/or,
I can NOT change my external surroundings,

I hope for more peace,
To grow in me,
Of course,
Internally

The two words “separate entity”,
(In that order..),
Gives me insecurity,
Because it makes me feel that I have to prove I’m “worth it”,
Yet regardless of how separate I could be,
Well..,
I just gotta chill,
Gotta dissipate,
If not healthily instantly eradicate,
That toxic insecurity,

The word self-esteem pressures me to improve my self-esteem,
Yes..,
I feel,
It’s my ego..,
That just blinds me out of the flow,

My ego separates me,
Instead of helps immerse me,

It makes me want attention as the surfer,
Instead of joining on the same wavelength,
With all others,
As the water..,

Ahhh..,
I’ll surf then want attention and forget what I’m doing..,
Then I’ll lose my emotional balance off my board..,
Then I’ll fall in,
Get smashed by waves,
Then I’ll gasp for air..,
And those who sensed my self-absorption will leave me there..,
And they may make me suffer to “teach me a lesson”..,
YET..,
I will NOT learn accordingly,
Because I’ll drown in unconsciousness..,
Because those on the wavelength will reject me..,
And I’m like,
Fuck you and y’all COLLECTIVE EGO IDENTITY..,

Ahhhh..,
The ego just,
Grabs me out of the water..,
Ahhh..,

It tells me that if I do NOT listen to it,
Then in time it “will NOT get better”,

Huhh..,
I (feel I) just gotta keep trying to relax with the water,
Join with the river..?
Or just..,

Just..,

Do what makes me feel better..,
Just gotta relax and get BACK in synch with the water,
That my furthest prehistoric ancestors came from right??
Before they became “homosapians” riiiiiight?

Ohhh I remember as a kid thinking I’d one day become a “paleontologist”..,
Ohhhh..,
How wrong I was..,

Man..,
They wanted to put me in a special school..,
God DAMN..,
Oh how I was a FOOL..,

Huhh..,

Wouldn’t have it been nice to just have INNATELY been more compatible!!?

Damn..,

Fuck those who did not welcome me onto the same wavelength..,
Fuck those who wanted to drown me,
Fuck those who just wanted to perpetuate their insecurity..,

Whatever..,
(Aside from all needed introspective self-aware/improvement analysis),
I guess I just hope my present life experience..,
More often..,
Feels,

Better

??

Sometimes,
Instead of detaching from my mind,

I’ll wind up in a realm of MORE thought,
So I’ll become even MORE entrenched in overthinking,
Causing my unconscious over-thinking to be even more,
Overshadowing,

So I may over-think about over-thinking(?),
Instead of just floating,
Instead of just watching the thought current,
I may fight the current,
Instead of going with it,
..,
I’ll be trying to swim out of it,
And instead end up becoming more caught in it(?),

So yes,
Without realizing it,
I may be swimming against the current,
And losing energy,
Instead of,
Swimming to the side of the current,
To free myself from it,
Or,
Just letting the current take me,
If I feel that’s the better present option to be(?),

So evidently if I try to think my way out of over-thinking,
I may MORE LIKELY end up creating more thinking(?),
..,
And if my mind is holding me back,
Well,
More analysis I feel,
Will NOT help my mind relax,

And as for emotional energy,
If I’m struggling with inner tension,
Tense advice from others,
May happen to increase my inner emotional tension(?),
Causing me to lose more inner balance of emotion,
Causing me to MORE likely,
Possibly lose sleep,
Or however become triggered into delusion,
?

Yes,
I feel that,
It’s felt hard managing the energy in me,
And a huge challenge,
And key,
I feel,
Is to once again remind myself,
To further relax and let be,
To stop trying to fix what can NOT be fixed,

And to just..,
However I see fit,
Manage my energy,
So it does not cause me to,
Lose it,

And maybe another (however similar) way to put it(?),
Could be described as,
(As I’ve heard),
The “shadow”,
So once (and/or BEFORE) my unclear over-thinking happens to be severely overshadowing,
Well,
Hopefully I can witness the sensations and NOT think about them since I’m noticing my inner foundational sensations(?)..,
Instead of trying to think such as trying to arrive at more detailed explanations(?),
Instead of thinking to try reducing excessive thinking and therefore adding thinking (possibly unlike what I may presently be doing(?)),
Instead of the “shadow” overshadowing,
In this case that being exhausting excessive thinking..,

And even if I (most likely) have NOT been sufficiently consistently meditating(?)..,

Well,
Maybe I must once again,
Remind myself to increasingly direct and deepen my attention,
To my inhalations,
Exhalations and whichever passing inner sensations,

And/or,
Maybe I must once again,
Try to focus and continually deepen my attention,
To whatever is NOT thinking,
To whatever does NOT add to painful inner tension building(?),
Which of course may help prevent,
Stuff such as,
Violent,
Inner,
Explosions..,
Leading to more explosions..,
And more deadly bad emotional energy combinations,
Causing greater and greater destructions,
And/or,
Solidifying collective division..,
All because..,
We did NOT know how to handle our building toxic emotion(?),
All because we did NOT know how to helpfully redirect our attention(?)..,
All because we remained unaware of changing states of energy,
Especially,
Internally..,
And yes that is a belief of mine evidently..,

So yes,
May we NOT get overshadowed by,
The “shadow”