27,
Friday the 13th,
616 or 666?
Now what’s wrong with that number?

What is real?
What is imagination?
Can I ever know?
Don’t know?
(Or should I make what I’m trying to say more clear such as by saying “Do NOT know”),
Yes,
That was an example of OCD (or should I spell out what it stands for??)..,
And that was another example in the parenthesis..,

Oh..,
How it limits my creativity,
Causing me to overthink,
Then less clearly,
And intelligently think,
I think?

Do I have to question everything?
Do I have to follow what makes absolutely NO logical and NO moral sense?
No..,
Yet reasons such as that I believe I just,
“Can’t know”,
I’ll try to make sure,
That (as for another example),
The amount of words I have in a post is not a certain number,
Because that can mean something “bad”,
..,
And yes,
it takes spontaneous flow,
And whatever else,
Out of my creativity,
That I could INSTEAD utilize,
For my (in this case) writing ability,
(Such as, if what I feel I conveyed in my best present possible way lands and/or is close to a certain number, then I’ll “have to” try to not land on that number, and therefore making my creativity not as good as it could be (in my belief)),

I just wish I could let go,
And happily,
And/or,
Peacefully,

Be,

Such as,
However I express what I understand to be experiencing inwardly,
Creatively,
Without superstition,
Others opinions,
Interpretations,
Threats and/or ACTIONS..,
Or whatever it may be,
That inhibits the creation flowing from within,
Then manifesting externally,
For me to share,
And for others to hear,
With the hope that,
It overall,
Helps make whatever it might be,

Less unnecessarily hard,
And therefore,
More,
Fairly,

Easy

I may have better experiences ahead of me,
Yet in my present belief,
There’s always,
Just,
That,
Uncertainty,

??

Wish I could change more of it,
Wish I could encounter less of it,
Wish I could,
Better handle it,
And,
Regardless of different experiences of those similarly labeled “on the spectrum”..,
I just wish I was never,
“Autistic”,
And I did NOT and do NOT wish to be however I am,
“Neurodivergent”,
..,
And although I may not understand a lot,
I really feel,
I just struggle,
Far more than I need to,
To handle,
A lot,

I just wish,
My energy,
Felt more in sync,
With more,
And/or most of those,
Who,
Surround me,

Although,
(As I often feel to appreciate it),
Many may say and/or imply stuff such as that I have a “good future ahead of me”,
??
Yet,
I always (or often) feel,
That I often feel,
There’s at least some degree,
Of uncertainty,
??
(And sorry if I’m further ruining it by anxiously obsessively over-explaining it),

And yet,
At age 27,
My superstition,
Sometimes,
If not often,
Scares me,

Do I have a set time destiny?
And/or,
Does life energy,
Not care about me,
As it plays out,
(In my present belief),
Unpredictably?

Yet,
I still feel,
Good energy,
May always help me,
Or assist me,
As for wherever,
My form,
(And/or interconnected),
Manifestation,
I may manifest in,

Presently,

??

I feel,
I made it through many hard times,
And as I fear,
(And believe..),
The state of the world is getting harder,
And to me,
Too many,
Are appearing crazier,

I’m back in the best job I presently see fit,
And I’m already assuming,
Many are sad to see me,
And (regardless of actual true intent),
I feel many,
Are just,
Venting,
And/or shit-talking about me,

And although I expect it,
Although I’m “used to it”,
I just struggle,
To “shrug off”,
So much of the pain,
So much,
Of the bullshit,
..,
And it frustrates me,
Frequently,
When I feel I’m insufficiently explaining,
Or however,
Conveying it,

And of course..,
I could be wrong completely,
Yet it’s just,
How I often feel to,
Interpret,
Energy,
..,
Yet,
Guess there’s always some uncertainty(?),

Evidently,
As I believe and/or feel,
To be real,
There’s always that uncertainty,
Always that possibility,
Always that varying amount of unaccessed and/or undeveloped inner capability and/or present ability(?),

Now..,
Not saying I’m worthy of being famous,
Yet since I heard many celebrities,
Who I greatly admire even if I know very little about them,
Passed at 27..,
Such as (if I’m correct),

Amy Winehose,
Jimi Hendrix,
Kurt Cobain,
Jim Morrison,
Janis Joplin,
And whoever else just happened to pass at 27,

(Apologies if I’m using names in vain for an attempt at a fancy new blog post.. yet, I just share what I feel a need to share for whichever forms of intelligence may care (?)),

And even though I feel,
And/or I’d guess,
I’m,
NOT nearly as talented,
Nor am I a musician,
And perhaps may never be a famous person..,

??
(Yeah I largely doubt it..),

And (I guess),
Similar to the theme,
Of that Machine Gun Kelly song called “27” (if I’m correct),

Well,
I just do NOT know,
When (as for the form I’m in now),
Will,

Come to an end,

??

I guess,
There may always be,
A degree,
Of uncertainty,
That’ll,
Always,
Be,

With me,

As for wherever I may,
Or may not,

Be

Oh I feel the scabs being ripped off,
Oh I feel others insecure hurtful energy being blasted at me,
From some who used to hurt me,
And rip the scabs off of what I was then trying to heal to the best of my then present ability,

Oh I hope the painful energy,
Does NOT ONCE AGAIN derail me,

I do the best of what I know,
Yet,
It feels to be an excessive painful challenge repeatedly,

Regardless of what IS to come,
I wish for,
Something,
Reasonably less painful,
Or just something,
That just,
Feels good,
That’ll last infinitely longer,

And longer

I just wish,
That I felt more often,
That more were (or are) better at,
Making the hard times,
Less hard,

Huhhh,
What am I supposed to say,

??

It’s just felt,
Unnecessarily,

Hard,

Huhhh..,

Instead of just being in the present moment,
I keep feeling I’m irreparably incapable,
..,
Instead of just relaxing,
I keep focusing on others noticing my,
“neuro-divergent”,
“non-mainstream”,
Effort,

I wish I felt more on the same page,
Wave,
Just more in sync,

In the effort

I feel,

There’s so much new painful stuff,
(Such as meanness from others or whatever..),
That I struggle to list and go into (what I view as) sufficient detail about,

I feel,
There’s always something new,
Always something to further explain,
And/or try to rephrase and/or make clearer,

And I just,
Can NOT keep up,

And I feel,
I have to keep awareness of myself within,
So I do what I know,
And I can,
To not,

Blow up,

As for that awareness,
I struggle to,
Keep it up,

All the continued bullshit I can NOT keep up with,
As for writing about,
Sometimes I succumb to harmfully self-medicating to desperately block the immense inner pain out,

Yep,
It just..,

Has not felt easy,
To keep my head up,
And to just,
“Shrug it off”,
As those expect me,

At least I’m..,
Still alive,
And as of right now,
I’m trying to feel more grateful,
And less judgmentally hateful for those without an autistic,
“On the spectrum”,
Nor any kind of negatively regarded label,

Huhhhhhh,

I,
Still feel it’s reasonable,
To ask for,
Less of a struggle,

Yet,
It is how it is,

I just,
Feel I must,
Detach,
As I remain as safe as I can,
As the toxic current passes,

As the fun times,
As the hard times,
Change,
As people’s attitudes,
As their energy,
Just..,
Changes..,

I try to,
Notice,
My,
Inhale,
Exhale,
And witness the sensations,
As a means of inner alleviation,

Yet of course,
I feel it takes,
Consistent,
Persistent,
Consciously aware,
Attention,

Recently I feel to have been struggling to adequately keep at it,
Yet at least,
I’m,
Still,

At it

I struggle with what I say,
I hope I do NOT convey too much in an unintended wrong way,
I hope they (meaning any others) interpret it the right way,
Or a helpful way?
Huhh..,
I’m always worrying so much about what I have to say,
Write,
However I wish to convey..,

I feel there’s always more examples,
Always a clearer way,
To however inaccurately and/or accurately convey,
I just try,
To clear my mind,
So I can think less,
Think clearer,
And more intelligently,
And so I can enjoy,
And/or,
Make it through the day,

To the best of my present ability,
Based on my present understanding,

And I’m glad that I’m,

Still going

As I would guess,
That you may guess,
Aside from whatever anyone’s struggles might be,
Me having autism,
Has been a large struggle to navigate,
In the “neuro-typical” social system of varying micro and macro systems,
Yet I just wanted to,

Thank you,
For seeing how I struggle,
For deciding to include me,

Thank you,
For helping me feel welcome,
For being there for me,
For NOT using your favors against me,
For NOT pressuring me to repay you,

Thank you,
For NOT using your confidence against me,
Yet using your SPIRIT to be there for me,

Thank you,
For,
Reminding me to keep trying to continually,
Let go,
Of all the stuff others done to me in the past,
To not let it (internally, externally and/or however) hold me back,
And even though it has NOT often felt easy,
Even though I may here and there derail and fly off track,
I’m grateful for your empathy,
And that’s helped me,
Get back,
And hopefully I’ll remain more on a helpful track,

I can tell you are there,
I can tell you are aware,
I can tell you also,
Care,

Others may give me advice,
And many may expect me to fuck off,
Yet you decided to include me,
I still remember that time,
(If I remember correctly),
Back in early July 2021,
When you noticed me drinking by myself,
And INSTEAD of passing negative assumptions,
You decided,
To help me out of my darkening,
Literal and mental obsessive compulsive isolation,
And (as I feel) that was crucial for my inner pain alleviation,
So among others,
I am deeply grateful,
For that initial interaction,

Thank you,
For just being,
And offering to be there,

Although I may not always be,
Sufficiently certain of it,
I often feel that many others,
May continue to judge,
May ongoingly unconsciously wrongfully assume and talk shit,
While trying to get a laugh out of their friends in the best way they presently see fit,
And,
Many may continually keep their literal and emotional distance,
Many may..,
Stare and beware,
?
Yet,
I’m grateful,
That you noticed someone struggling like me,
And INSTEAD of forming negative assumptions,
Nor forming hurtful projections about me,
Nor using my “on the spectrum” struggles against me,
I’m grateful,
That you decided to sincerely,
Considerately,
Welcome me,

And as for many others,
It’s just a different story unfortunately,

And regardless of why others do what they do,
Regardless of reasons why they may react to me the way they repeatedly seem to,
?
As I feel you helped remind me,
I feel I need to keep focusing on,
What I view,
In each moment,
As most practical and true,

Unlike that guy from the Bronx who hazed me (made me take an ice bath, had me do the beer mile (I remember him laughing from the bleachers, running along side of me, making fun of me.. oh there’s so much more to his story (and even he knows that we all have our story)..), had me do “edward 40 hands” (was NOT fun nor helped me grow, it just felt to be damaging, etc, etc,) and he and the others could have INSTEAD tested us or “broke us down and built us up” through shadowing (for fraternity chapter positions), I feel there could have been harmless group projects and helpful inner development training such as (in my belief) group meditating (and more needed emphasis on possible deep healthy non-medicated brotherhood emotional connecting (in my belief))),
And he also threatened me,
Such as saying that if we were to I guess, “snitch”, the campus authority may (essentially) take his (and others) instructions of us out of context, and they’d misunderstand his (messed up in my belief) intentions and his life “would be over” so he threatened me among my other pledge “brothers” that if we were to “snitch” (essentially) that he’d use his martial arts against us and have us “drink through a straw for the rest of our lives”,
(And regardless of him and worse, as I’d say we agree and know, I just gotta let it go and move on with my life),
When trying (after all the rejection and isolation I been through previously) joining a fraternity to find at least one compatible and fruitful college campus friend group community,,
And he hit on a girl I was obsessed with right in front of me..,
(That’s of course among MORE stuff I struggle to let go of as I stay on a better track consistently),
(He claimed he did NOT know.. ALTHOUGH.. I have pointed her out to him a few months before, yet.. who knows??),
Yep,
There’s just so much more as for what he did to me,

Unlike those who (I felt) had a WORSE effect on me like that guy who bullied me from my home community,
Who laughed at me when the basketball bounced off my head,
Once indicated the abnormal size of my larger than typically proportionate size of most other’s heads,
(Especially back then when I was a little guy and he was (as he still is) much bigger than me.. (and because I have autism, when I was a little kid, my brain kept growing to try and correct itself, and regardless of what he’s been through, I’d say he’s lucky (among so many others who (instead of helping themselves and me develop inwardly) wronged me to seemingly try to compensate for their painful insecurity)))) he did NOT have that happen to him),
Who got physical,
Did and said all that other shit including making fun of me for being in special Ed,
Causing his friend to call me “stupid”,

Yet as for knowing you,
Unlike all the rejection,
Unlike all the people who I thought would be there then just took off with their careers,
Unlike all the others and examples of people who,
(Regardless of their intentions),
Did stuff that hurt me,

And oh there have been others,
Some who may have or still call themselves,
“Brothers”,

Well,
As I’d say we both know,
I just gotta keep letting it all go,
As I go in a direction,
That’ll most likely,
Help my own needs,
Among civilized society,
Among whichever parts of (in my belief) interdependent,
Interconnected sentient reality,

And even though I have my own history,
As I’d guess,
It took (if not millions and/or billions (or however long (?)) as species evolved on Earth) thousands of years of history,
To get to this level of civilization we have today,
So..,
I’ll also try to keep adequately reminding myself,
That even though I have my own history,
And struggles such as helpfully fitting in repeatedly sufficiently,
That although my needs are also important,
As I’d say we know,
It’s not just about me,
Yet I’m part of a much greater sentient reality,
That over such a long period of time,
Came to be,

And I’m glad,
For the effort you provided me,
That has helped me feel less alone,
In general and especially,
Within my community,

I’m grateful,
For you,
Among others who try and help me feel included,
Who try to understand,
Instead of just trying to avoid what they initially can NOT stand,

I appreciate you being someone,
Who deeply empathetically understands,

There’s so much more I feel I can say,
So much more I can elaborate on,
And regardless of what’s to come,

I’m grateful,
For meeting you,
For knowing you,
For your deep understanding,
And in times of need,
Helping me feel,
Welcome,

I’m glad to be reminded,
That somewhere,
There are still those such as you,
Who are (in my belief),
Not only highly aware,
Yet also,
Care,
And in times of need,
Who are also,
There,

Thanks as always,
For being there for me,
Including in times when I especially needed the empathy,
The understanding,
Deeply,

Thanks for being there for me

Many prefer to NOT be around me,
Some wonder if I’m “alright”,
And I’m like..
How about an invite??

Riiiiight??

Being alone,
With my,
Labels,
Wellness efforts,
Sometimes,
Makes it feel like an unbearable effort,

And I just,
Sometimes succumb to,
Self-medication,
Or whatever impulsive action that may further jeopardize my situation,

Huhhh..,

After all that advice they give me,
They still just..,
Leave me,

And I feel..,
Many may wonder why I’m not alright,
And I’m like..,
Well,
How about,

An invite

?

I’m at a Taco Bell drive-through:

Guy on speaker: Welcome to Taco Bell.
Me: Hi.. uh.. I’ll have two chicken crunchwraps. And uh.. hot sauce please.
Guy on speaker: Two chicken crunchwraps, hot sauce.
Me: Yes.
Guy on speaker: Anything to drink?
Me: Uh.. I’ll get a large diet Pepsi. Thanks.
Guy on speaker: Large Diet Pepsi.. Okay..

He tells me the total..,

Guy on speaker: Please pull up to the window.

While at the window,
I see the same guy,
Who another time asked in a really goofy voice..,
Even though I said the sauce I wanted on the speaker..,
Yet,
He was still like:
“Would yuh like sauce with thaaaat??”
And that time I didn’t laugh,
And just said “yes” seriously,
..,
And this time,
Once I saw him again at the window,
I’m like (in my mind..),
“Here we go”,
My busted balls were ready to be busted..
once again..,

At the window I say:

Me: Sup dude.

I hand him my debit card..,

Guy at window: We don’t have tomatoes.
Me: What?
Guy at window: We don’t have tomatoes.
Me: What are you talking about?
Guy at window: You asked if we had tomatoes, and we don’t have tomatoes.
Me: I never asked if you have tomatoes.
Guy at window: Yes you did.

He hands me back my debit card,

We both quietly stare at each other,
And even though he knows that I know he’s joking around,
He keeps doing it anyway,

Me: I never asked if you have tomatoes.
Guy at window: Are you good?
Me: I’m fine. I’m wondering if you’re good?
Guy at window: Well.., I’m wondering if you’re good because you asked if we have tomatoes?
Me: Huhhhhh.

I smile to myself as he puts the food in the bag..,
And a coworker of his seems to laugh at me..,
And although I don’t say anything,
Although I assume they’re overworked,
Dealing with whatever,
And although he still is trying to lighten the mood,
I just..,
don’t take it lightly..,
Yet I try to keep playing along..,

He then keeps putting the food in the bag..,

Hands me my drink..,

Guy at window: Sorry, we don’t have any tomatoes.
Me: Huhhh..,

He then hands me the food..,

Me: Thank you for your service.
Guy at window: Yep, have a nice night alright.
Me: Same to you.

I head on home..,
Think about writing about this encounter while (of course) focusing on driving..,

..,

Huhh,
Yeah,
Even when I know it,
..,
Even when OTHERS know I know it,
People just keep busting my balls,

I try to take the jokes,
But sometimes,
I just,
Don’t have the best feeling,

..,
I can’t always tell their intentions behind the joking,
Are they just,
Tryna lighten my mood?
And/Or focused on raising their ego’s self-esteem by humoring their friends by trying to give me a hard time?
Or whatever it may be..,
Sometimes I..,
Just don’t take it lightly,

Like I said,
He knew,
That I knew,
That he was busting my balls practically the whole time,
Yet,
I just haven’t been having a good time,
Yet,
I couldn’t exactly tell if he was trying to cheer me up,
Or see if he could make me lose emotional control of myself??
Or whatever..?

Ayiiiii,
Yes,
What a funny guy,

Yet,
It’s just been hard,
After all my balls being busted,
And continually busted,
And many people continually NOT taking it lightly,
When I peacefully express when I (now or then (or whenever)) feel offended..,

Of course,
For one,
I think I could tell he was mostly joking,
Yet,
Sometimes I could tell,
When the energy,
Felt to be harmfully against me..,

And well,
Regardless if this guy,
Would actually be cool with being friends with someone like me..,
Well,

Like many,
People may mess with me,
Yet,
Still NOT prefer to be around me,
And sure,
SOMETIMES,
They may consider how they treat me to be “light-hearted”,
In addition to whatever else are there intention(s),
For whatever valid and/or irrational reason(s),
Huhhh..,

But I’m just like..,
My balls have been busted hard enough already,
So,
As for anyone who wants to “toy with me”,
Huhhh..,

As for anyone who wants to toy with my autistic neurodivergence,
I get it,
I’m a fun goofy-ass target,

Yet,
Having fun is something I get,
And yet,
Going crazy with customers is something I felt,
Even though it was with supermarket “Wholesale” retail (and I know maybe there’s some (if not a lot of) stuff for safety reasons I must (on my blog) keep confidential..) and I’ve never worked in fast food..,
Well,
If possible,
And since I view myself as one of the nicer customers,
How about,
Just,
For me,
How about,
Here and there,
As for those who can TELL I struggle to take stuff lightly,
How about..,
just..,
taking it easy,
??

Will it make it less fun,
Well,
I’m also working on my inner reactions,
So instead of always blaming the external about how we feel,
What if we also cleared and healed ourselves externally,
So we can (yes improve functioning),
Yet also,
Just,
Take stuff,
More LIGHTLY,
So they do NOT limit,
Damage,
And/or,
DESTROY US,
Inwardly..,

??

Yes,
There’s a chill part of me..,

And..,
I know I can’t change how others treat me,
After all that isolation,
And due to wanting to briefly run out of the house,
This just happened to be the interaction,

Huhh,
Yes,
Regardless of the guy’s intentions,
I try not to get derailed by my inner hyper-emotional reactions,

I believe I,
Just gotta,
Keep flowing through in my best way,
And expect,
Since I can NOT seem to avoid,
Being treated and/or mistreated,
All sorts of ways,

I Just,
(As I believe),
Gotta keep breathing,
And consciously detaching and witnessing,
My emotions,
So I don’t get pulled in and lose myself,
..,
I gotta,
Take stuff less seriously,
Even if people are actually trying to feel better by being mean to me..,
Even when the “benefit of the doubt”,
Just does NOT feel easy..,
Even in moments when not reacting angrily feels to be of great difficulty,

I’ll just (keep trying to) notice,
And let be,
And keep trying,
Even when,
It’s not easy,

And of course,
Due to my history,
And hypersensitivity,
Hyper-emotional-alertness and/or hyper-inner/emotional-reactivity..,
I struggle giving others (like this guy) the “benefit of the doubt”,
Yet,
The dude seemed chill,
Well adjusted,
Didn’t appear to need any emotional relaxation pills,
Prescriptions..,
(With side-effects..),
..,
Although OF COURSE I NEVER completely know,
Even though,
The guy appeared very sociable,
likeable,
And well adjusted,
And seemed to have a bunch of other admirable qualities..,
And still,
My balls just had to get busted..,

And as I drove back,
I let more tailgating cars pass,
And as for whatever the guy’s intentions really were,

I’ll,
Try,
To,
Let it pass..,

Yes,
I also could have talked about eating meat,
The suffering of animals (assuming this is the case (assuming they weren’t killed in a humane way)),
Due to addictive convenience,
..,
And well,
I haven’t had fast food in awhile,
Writing is at least one way I hope to spread better,
And/or more honest,
And/or,
Helpful energy..,
Regardless of the extents if what I post is actually helpful or not..,
Of course..,

And regardless of all else I could’ve discussed,
Such as reckless driving,
Feeling ghosted,
Feeling once again socially rejected,
Once again isolated..,

After assuming Burger King was open,
Driving all the way to that town (New City),
Then finding out it was closed,,
Then driving to Taco Bell in another town.. (Haverstraw),
Then back to my hometown (which at least in this post is confidential),

Well,
Apparently I found some more stuff to talk about,
From another boring ride,
To Taco Bell,

Regardless..,
If the man was intending to bust my balls or not,
Well..,
(As I try to for anyone regardless of their intentions),
I wish him well

I feel:

They often say,
“It’s not what you say,
It’s how you say it”,
Yet,
Many,
After so much struggling,
Just..,
Do NOT welcome me,
Into,
Their,
Personal,
Self-improvement circle,

Huhhh..,

So much just still sticks with me,
It inhibits and limits me,
And it stands out so clearly,

So..,
Of course many would NOT want to hang around my insecure energy,
I feel,
They would much rather be in their comfort zones of those comfortably on the same page,
Free from learning disabled emotional-hyper-alert and/or non-mainstream reactive people like me,

Regardless of what I say,
Because of my energy,
I frequently feel they,
Gravitate away,

..,

Well,
I’ll just,

Keep going throughout my day,
Finding and trying to cope in ways I see fit,

And,
When I consistently remember it,

I must,
Remember,
My,
Strong,
Spirit,

Ahhhhhh