Even though I don’t understand,
So much essential importance,
Of life,
Like just planning a career,
Excelling,
And just doing it,

Even though many may feel,
And,
Many may tell me,
Truthfully,
That I,
Just,
“Don’t understand”,

Well,
Just as I don’t understand what they’ve been and may be painfully struggling through,
I often feel,
That they don’t understand,
All the pain that has built up in me,
That limits me,
And how I can NOT stand it,
ESPECIALLY,

I often feel,
That they don’t understand,
All my insecure,
Obsessive compulsive torture,
That I reluctantly have succumbed to,
To compensate,
For so much insecurity I feel that has built up in me,
That I feel painfully inhibits my capability,
That keeps me focused on non-work related goals excessively,
And builds toxic pain in me,
That weighs in me,
That shuts me down,
And prevents me from excelling,
At what I could really be doing,

Although in many ways I don’t understand,
Unfortunately I feel,
They just don’t understand,
How painful it’s felt for me,
Due to having my conditions,
Experiencing constant rejections,
Failing at conformity,
Repeatedly,
..,
I wish they’d understand,
How hard it’s been,
Largely due to..,
Just..,
Seeing stuff differently,
In the hardass mainstream society,
That I feel,
Heavily damaged me,
Hence my immense obsessive insecurity..,

I wish they would understand,
How hard I try,
Perpetually,

Although in many ways I,
Just “do not understand”,
I wish I felt they more deeply,
Understood,
My understanding,
Of the built up pain,
That I am carrying,

I wish I felt,
More would understand,
My hyper-awareness,
And how it emotionally throws me off,
Too damn easily,
..,
And that how it makes me more vulnerable,
To winding up on medication,
In an institution,
Or whatever may severely worsen my situation,

I wish I felt,
More would understand,
How my learning disabilities,
Hyper-emotional inner reactivity,
That’s been exacerbated by bullying,
That’s given me all this excessive insecurity,
That makes my ego want to compensate by having non-work-related goals,
Such as wanting to film juggling videos,
That take days and hours to capture on tape a certain way,
And they don’t understand,
How those types of obsessive compulsive goals I have,
Take away energy,
From having a practical career goal,
That I’d excel at,

And I wish they’d understand,
How painful it’s been,

Although,
They know,
I,
“Don’t understand”,
Well,
I feel,
They don’t understand my condition(s),
Why I developed the way I did,
Such as the certain ways I’m internally held back,
And why I get derailed too damn easily,
And fly off track,
So damn frequently,
..,
I wish I felt from them,
Less criticism,
And,
More empathy,

Aside from all I don’t understand,
I wish they’d understand,
How I just can’t stand,
The way I am,

I wish they’d understand,
That,
(Regardless of pain they experience),
That still,
In many ways,
I wish I was them,
That I wish adulting,
For me,
Felt to be as they say “smooth sailing”,

Of course,
I can’t tell how “smooth sailing”,
Anything truly is,
I can’t just “understand” others by what I perceive on the surface,
Yet I wish they’d more deeply understand,
The pain,
I’ve felt to,
Frequently experience,

I feel,
Many don’t understand,
That I WISH I did NOT have the condition(s) that I have,
And that I instead WISH that I could “just do it”,
And just keep at it,
Without any obsessively developed forces holding me back,

I feel,
They don’t understand,
That I wish the damaging insecurity,
That having my conditions in combination with bullying has built in me,
Is something I wish I never had weighing me back,
And they don’t understand,
That I wish,
That I was as determined,
And as able to stay on track,
With a great,
Suitable,
Career track,

And they don’t understand,
That I wish I didn’t feel so internally held back,
They may say “I don’t understand”,
And I may not as deeply understand,
But I feel they don’t understand,
How there’s so much about me,
That I can’t stand,

And I wish,
More could,
Including myself,

Just,

Understand,

Maybe if we better understood each other,
Then maybe we could just,
Better work,
Function,
And however improve,
Together,
??

And I,
Just,
Wish,
We could,

Just,

Understand

I often do NOT like people,
And I often do NOT like isolation,

I do NOT like out-of-balance,
Excessively painful emotion,
Nor do I trust various forms of medication,
Whether prescribed or in recreation,

I quite often feel there’s something I just can’t stand,
In any given situation,

I’m really trying to develop more positive,
True appreciation,

Of whatever I experience,
In my present situation,

It feels to be a never-ending struggle,
And I can’t always tell,
What is,
Truly helpful

??

I feel:

I could have experienced,
The same experience(s),
Differently,

Oh I feel there’s always more factors to consider,
And I can always communicate clearer..,

I feel:

Maybe for some,
Being,
“On the spectrum”,
Was a “blessing”,

Yet for me,
I feel I been through,
So much excessive pain and struggling,

I believe that,
No matter how different or similar we are,
No matter how others may want to “categorize” us,
No matter how we and others view ourselves,

I feel,
Still,
To whatever extent(s),

We have our own type(s) of experience(s),
Our own types of reactions,
And development such as inner awareness cultivation,
(Etc, etc, etc..),

Others may consider “Asperger’s Syndrome”,
Or “mild-autism”,
Or being “on the spectrum” to (for example) be a “blessing”,

??

Yet,
Regardless of whatever they been through and are going through,
Including those NOT “on the spectrum”,

Well,
I feel,
Because of whatever there may be to increasingly consider,
Being “on the spectrum”,
For me,
Has quite often felt to be,
Too much of a struggle,
Too damn frequently,

Honestly

I try,
So hard,
To communicate,
..,
And I feel,
That so many,
Just..,
Don’t relate,

I try so hard,
To be heard,
..,
Yet I feel,
That so many others,
Just don’t understand,

I feel,
That many,
Immensely and excessively,
Keep responding with advice and criticism,

I feel,
That many,
Keep making me feel bad for stuff I struggle to do,
Instead of empathizing with how much I struggle at doing what I need to,
..,
They’ll just remind me that I need to “do it”,
..,
And the criticism I feel,
Just gives me more to carry,
As I struggle through it,
As I struggle to continue holding my head up,
As I struggle to do what I see fit,

I wish,
That I didn’t feel what’s hard,
To be harder than necessary,

I wish,
That others,
Would just help make what’s painful,
Feel less painful for me,
..,
And I guess it’ll also be easier for them?
Assuming they’ll have less painful energy internally,
So what they’ll inwardly cultivate,
And emanate,
Will hopefully be less painful,
Evidently,

And I feel,
It’s hard,
Since to me,
This does NOT,
Feel to be,
The reality,

It’s hard,
When I feel,
I can’t access the warrior spirit in me,

It’s hard,
When I feel I struggle more than necessary,
And it’s hard when I feel,
Others are making it harder for me than it needs to be,

I guess this comes back to my wish for there to be,
Less painful,
Energy,
Spirit,
Or however one may put it

??

Even though you were in fourth grade when I was in third,
Even though you said some stuff to me,
One that really sticks with me that succeeded all you did to me,
Such as how your leadership excluded me from the “Bubblegum club” at the YMCA,

I wish..,
I wish you were here,
And I wish we could’ve had a talk,

But now that you’re gone,
Wherever your spirit is,
In whatever shape and form,

Even after all those memories,
That I still carry with me..,

I still,
Want to now say,

Blessings on your journey,

Wherever your spirit is,

I hope you feel better,

I hope you receive and perpetuate spirit,
That helps yourself and others,
Even the more vulnerable,

Damn,

I just, Don’t know what to say,

I guess,

The spirit we receive and give,

I hope it heals,

I hope it heals

I have so much built up emotion,
That when I try to communicate,
Interferes with my thoughts,
..,
Then my words give the wrong impressions,
Causing others to make assumptions,
Causing them to distance themselves from me,
Causing them to not want to hire me,
Causing them to,
Not trust me,
Essentially,

Oh!!
The anger..,
Those who I feel hurt by,
Have more power!!

Oh,
How they expect me,
To just let go all the emotional pain they triggered in me,
Due to my greater than usual emotional-hyper-inner-reactivity,
Oh..,
The unconscious forces of bullying just love to toy with me,
And now they have positions of authority,
And how they say it’s “my fault completely”,
Oh,
The little do they know about the history I carry with me,

And they expect me,
Just to let it go,
And focus on an entry level career,

Oh..

Ohh,

Ohhhhhhhhh,

Although they’ll say they didn’t mean what they did,

Little do they know,

Little they know

If someone appears to be straight-forward,
Well,
Will they lead us straight backwards?
Or..,
Will they,
Consciously help,
open us?

I would guess,
Their charisma,
Is in some direction,
So,
Will it further awaken?
Or lead to more pain and dysfunction?
Either in old and/or new and unexpected forms?
Or whatever..?

Sure,
Maybe some seem more real and/or honest,
..,
Yet,
What are their true intentions??
Are they aware of how they influence awareness??

What are their dominant states of awareness that they will perpetuate on the lectern??
On wherever,
They perpetuate influence..,
?

In which directions,
Will they lead us straight to?
Forward?
Backward?
Farther from?
Closer to?

Will they make us overly emotional?
Will they make us aware and logical?

Don’t know….

They yelled at me,
Used their non-autistic spirit against me,
Made me drink my ass off,
Take an ice bath,
Got action virtually in front of me,
And the women definitely didn’t prefer me,

They told me,
To keep it all a secret,
As if I could let it go,
Instantly,

When I seek empathy,
Many give me advice,
This, that and the other,
Then when I stand up for myself,
They make an excuse,
To avoid me,

They’ll gaslight,
And make me believe it’s mostly me whose not right,

They now got positions of authority,
They’re now off with their careers,
And just left me,

Yeah,
They’ve somewhat been there for me,
But now I kinda feel,
This “brotherhood”,
Just wasn’t real,

..,

I’ll try to reconnect,
And they’ll order and lecture me,
..,
And I thought they would be there for me,
After all that isolation,
After all that rejection,
I thought they would be there for me,

They told me I’m a “brother for life”,
And now,
Many (if not all) practically cut me out of their life,

I tried so hard,
To follow their world views,
To go with the flow,
To chill and let go,

And now I know,
I just,
May never know who to trust

How can I focus on what I’m doing,
If I’m distracted by,
Obsessively thinking,
About ending,
On a “good” note?
Or “good terms”?
Or..,
Whatever are the “best”,
“Clearest”,
Terms..,

???

How can I enjoy the moment,
If I’m focusing,
On what others will think of me,
Such as,
My “legacy”,
My story,
Or however they’ll view me,
When I’m gone..,
If I’m obsessively focusing,
On ending,
On a good note?

How can I chill out,
If I’m worried about,
How and what others will think of me?
What they’ll say about me,
If I’m obsessively,
Worried about ending on a bad note?

How can I,
Let go,
Let be,
Relax,
And just get in sync,
On the same page,
And NOT force the current,
If I’m excessively focused,
On how to end it..?

Screw that,

I just try to,
Witness the sensations,
While remembering,
And keeping,
A warrior spirit,

Even though I feel,
I’m pretty bad at being present,
Well,
I still try to remind myself,
To stick with it,

Instead of trying to unquestionably conform,
Excessively please,
Excessively suppressing it,
Then abruptly,
Explosively losing it,
..,
I just,
Feel I must,
Continue,
Trying to,
Witness the sensations,
Such as,
My natural inhale,
And exhale,
While,
Remaining in alignment,

With my,

Warrior spirit

I gotta work on my inflections,
Instead of being how I was labeled,
Instead of sounding autistic,
I gotta sound like a stereotypical confident prick,
I often fail at it,

I wasn’t pushed into theater,
Regardless,
I’d still be a failure,

At least I keep hanging in there,
Regardless if stuff gets better,

I give a lot of impressions,
And I project by assuming others’ projections,

I just,
Don’t have a natural ability,
For spot on,

INFLECTIONS