May I let obsessive thoughts go to focus on the fire that is burning me, May I let obsessive thoughts go, To resist the burning less, May I let mental clinginess go to open to discomfort to suffer less.. I often don’t feel I can do this, But I feel I must never stop trying this, As long as I’m conscious,

Whatever is torturing me, Is where I feel my attention must be, If I want to resist less and suffer to a smaller degree, I think that’s what I’m trying to say? I think..?

I just wanted to write this during meditating with my mom and brother to be honest, But I felt I needed to also remember this.. So I can better myself since we all want to feel better, Since it’s called “better”..

But here’s my perception of where I’m at in this writing moment..

I also think that, If there’s thought control and we don’t believe or see it, Then our thoughts have been controlled for us to not see or believe it,

So..

Hopefully we realize harmful energy in us or whoever just to FEEL BETTER

Inner personal struggles at work can drain me of energy, causing supervisors, or whoever others, to think I’m lazy,

I just can’t let mean false judgment emotionally break me, then they’ll really misunderstand me,

Do you understand me?

It’s easy to sell out my truth if I’m desperate and if I’m not in a culture that helps me live in alignment with it, “it” being my truth,

If my culture doesn’t practice self-control, and if I lose control, is it really just my fault!!?? Is it really just my fault!!? I don’t think so,

Sometimes I need respect, Sometimes I need help out of the unconscious and irrational, I need others as well for survival

Of course.. By “Rick’s Club American” in my hometown of Congers.. A stranger at a crosswalk gave me an angry shameful gesture since I didn’t let him cross, Since it’s a crosswalk, not a stop light.. Since it’s a busy road right behind a route 303 traffic light.. and without signs saying to stop for those crossing crosswalks..

Oh man.. I wanted to fuck him up.. I already said how past bullying I let happen to me, But it’s the same type of experience perpetually.. Although I understand it, the painful suppressed emotions can blind me after being triggered unexpectedly.. And I said that those days of being stepped on are over for me, permanently, THE DAYS OF ME BEING A PUSHOVER ARE OVER.

(And while glancing in the rearview I noticed he didn’t express himself angrily at the other car behind me.. which didn’t help me let go of my victim mentality (even if it is reality..))

While stopping at the railroad tracks as the train passed, While considering the consequences such as going to jail for the rest of my life for manslaughter if I was to run over him with my mom’s car.. And since my OCD has been making me hopeless, I then considered going down a bad track.. So I turned around to see if I could find him to lower the window to at least yell at him telling him and his fucking sunglasses.. “IT’S A CROSSWALK NOT A LIGHT!!”While also assuming he never had autism but had it all together..

It’s another fucking stranger.. Whose probably pissed due to covid cause he can’t handle isolation unlike me since I self-isolated my whole fucking life due to how people like him treated me… And those sunglasses really got to me.. While he’s seemingly enjoying himself he really shouldn’t be stepping on me..

Jeezz 

I can use some kindness.. PLEASE

I already talked about having nothing to lose, Even if I do have much to lose, I will still consciously or unconsciously choose, Consciously or unconsciously consider and be aware from moment to moment, encounter to encounter, disrespect to disrespect.. I’ll go crazy without booze.. But I’m also susceptible to it since I get hopeless after always feeling like I lose..

Well.. I then went to the Sloatsburg gas station after switching cars with my brother by New City elementary, where I started writing this poem.. and had to stop to continue writing again..

And then.. The guy at the gas station behind me gave me a seemingly dirty look when writing this, since he noticed I wasn’t getting gas, so I drove up to Plattsburgh after constantly being tailgated even when going 80.. Seems like covid isolation most can’t handle like me.. But yes that’s my assumption because I’m pissed..

Angry crazy people make me so angry.. If it’s how they play the game, I want it to end!! However, Ending it deliberately wouldn’t be a good move or an ethical one according to me.. But I’m waiting for this disrespect and misery to end.. I won’t do anything, Just waiting..

Although this will pass, My ego doesn’t want to be forgotten.. I wrote a lot.. Which is my way of trying to help a lot..

Good thing I didn’t engage with the guy but he got by.. That life ending moment where I perceive disrespect and catastrophically react hasn’t happened yet, And knowing myself, Especially after today, I greatly fear it, I greatly fear it..

Eventually I may unconsciously react to disrespect catastrophically unfortunately.. Yes I’m getting help with network zoom meetings and therapy..

But it only takes one.. It only takes one..

I’m inhaling, exhaling, detaching from the bad feeling.. My drive up to my dad’s place, I’ll now be continuing.. I got gas, “devil dogs”, and a 20 ounce Red Bull.. and now I’m off..

…

Well I made it to Woodstock..

Happy Easter! May the good fulfilling conscious awareness discovered by teachers like Jesus rise in those like Mr. Sunglasses..

If you feel I used Jesus’s name in vain you’re only partially right since due to the coincidence of this happening on Easter it felt cool to write.. (So did that..)

But of course, May that good compassionate consciousness arise or manifest in all of us..

It’ll help me..

Lastly, Since I already said in my poem “Precautionary” that those who disrespect me may be the star of what I write, Mr. Sunglasses got his, Even though he didn’t get his.. But my creative expression is my best and safest weapon.. aside from just letting it go without having to do anything such as writing.. Which I feel to be ideal..

But if I want to live in alignment with my beliefs.. And in alignment that an eye for an eye doesn’t help us see and understand clearly.. Yes, Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” obviously.. which is what I also believe ideally..

I prefer letting go even though in this present moment I’m struggling to do so.. But I must do it, To stay peaceful and out of trouble for myself and others.. (ideally), As we know..

At my job I saw a home good that read “Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus”.. (Based on the trix commercial..(I let my OCD voice mention that..)

But Easter is for ALL OF US, Not to put words in Jesus’s mouth, And I’m no spiritual teacher, but a hypocritical preacher..

But I want to say that, Jesus cared for all of us, We can feel better within, Regardless of the reality of the situation,

In my belief, Consciousness goes on,

Blessings to me, Everyone, Including, Mr. Sunglasses,

Although bad experiences give me something to write about.. (and yes, “clout”). (Also I thought of the rhyme “clout and about” before I heard it elsewhere so it’s common so my OCD wants to say I’m not plagiarizing.. and maybe I’ll take this out..). But as for bad experiences.. I don’t prefer them.. I prefer feeling good,

With nothing to do and nowhere to be but present, I try keeping that as my intent..

Turns out Mr. Sunglasses was right, But since I didn’t come close to hitting him, Since I was NOT going fast, I didn’t need brutal criticism.. And brutal criticism just feeds brutal energy.. so.. May we help others do better more peacefully.. So our teaching doesn’t leave a traumatic history.. Yes I know this is only one encounter I had with a stranger.. but may we remember, we need peace to see and learn more, since we’ll clearer for seeing, learning, and advancing a more moral, safe and adventurous existing

I feel like my poems are too irrelevant..

APRIL FOOLS!!

Actually.. I usually feel that I’m not supposed to talk about anything serious, Since most seem to be looking for creativity that’s escapist, What’s the effect if we always do this? Maybe most won’t be able to understand this..?

If I’m in need will enough others truly heed? I forgot to mention in my previous posted poem about paying attention that, Vulnerability to emotional sensitivity may initially make me react unconsciously impulsively to cover up emotional difficulty internally such as getting sucked into addictions from the external that are physically destructive towards me..

And if practicing self-control is not cultural, How can I feel safely certain that most others will properly assist me out of a brutal dark emotional hole?

If my lack of impulse control goes unchecked.. And if I then become diabetic and can’t afford insulin, Due to insurance companies seeking excessive external gratification by large premiums instead of also consciously healing their own suppressed emotional reaction within, Well.. Maybe I’ll die.. ?

And as for psychiatrics, they’ll say I need something due to closed-minded research fabrication, since many accept the convenient cultural awareness limitations of the institutions who promote excessive medication, They say we think it’s “this” with dismissal of openness.. to historic traumatic experience.. They just say “chemical imbalance”..

Yes.. you can research this to find exact details of this.. 

But what if furthering our development, societal structure, spirit, moral and intellectual capability became a truly conscious mentality?

WOW!!

What new possibility!!? How would we realize we were limiting ourselves initially!!?

Do you see? I ask that compassionately, not sarcastically..

But this just feels important to me

Due to having “autism”, I was told I struggle with “paying attention”,

If I struggle paying attention, I’ll struggle being consciously aware of attention to redirect it away from addiction by paying attention to inwardly healing the source of the unconscious, destructive, impulsive fixation, Therefore if I struggle paying attention I’ll be more susceptible to addiction.. In this case the “good times” may more likely be “killing me” instead of helping me..

If I struggle paying attention I’ll more likely be a victim of manipulation.. If I struggle inwardly paying attention, I’ll struggle with painful emotional mitigation and will more likely have out of balance emotion..

If I struggle paying attention, I’ll be less alert and more vulnerable, I’ll struggle more with survival,

If I struggle paying attention, I’ll struggle with social connection and more likely end up in isolation..

If I struggle paying attention inwardly in isolation, I may get more trapped in my mind and out of touch and wind up in delusion.. which may get worse due to unconscious emotional exacerbation leading to sleep deprivation resulting in even more out of balance emotion, more delusion and I’ll more likely wind up in an institution, all as a vicious chain reaction due to struggle paying attention,

May we consciously pay attention for survival, for becoming stronger, more capable and more able, to appreciate more of life through paying more attention,

I must inwardly pay attention to learn how to love myself.. The less I inwardly pay attention, the more I struggle to truly love myself, to truly love and be there for myself and others,

If I struggle paying attention, there’s infinite ways I’ll be more vulnerable, there’s infinite ways I’ll struggle more with survival.. 

If I struggle inwardly paying attention to my level of emotion for example, I won’t be as aware of what I may be able to handle such as a new job or task for example.. 

If I struggle inwardly paying attention, inner tension will drain me of energy or “willpower” to keep working.. 

If I struggle paying attention inwardly, I’ll struggle healing pain.. and I’ll struggle inwardly cultivating less resisting and therefore struggle attaining more present acceptance.. However, I believe humanity is infinitely capable of assisting the vulnerable as well as becoming infinitely more capable forever faster..

I hope life for beings on earth becomes more ethical and peaceful.. The more we consciously pay attention, the more we’ll proceed in a better everlasting direction,

The head coach of my summer baseball camp once said, “The one question I don’t want anyone asking is ‘what are we doing?’”, I even heard him joke to himself at a clinic saying, “if you still don’t know what we’re doing then you have learning disabilities”.. and another coach laughed..

Well, I have learning disabilities and I’m in a world of people like him, Those who are not in an empathic place of offering help.. Although I feel accessing empathy in anyone is possible since we’re all beings from the same source, So where there needs healing, May there be healing,

I feel that.. As for those who offer brutal criticism of those who struggle more to pay attention, Instead of offering needed inner awareness to clear what’s interfering with attention, Such as intense emotional reaction, Such as over thinking.. Such as greater predispositions to struggling with information processing and “executive functioning”.. Such as bad experiences resulting from predisposed vulnerability that were ongoingly suppressed instead of healed or inwardly acknowledged.. Unfortunately, Many people just don’t pay attention to healing their inner irritation, anger and frustration as a result of others not adequately paying attention, As a result of their suppressed painful inner emotional reaction to their environmental experiences, which for themselves and others, produces bad energy to exacerbate the internal and external situation.. If there’s no inner remediation,

What I can do to stay safe.. What I can do to let go.. What I can do to help myself and others internally and externally function, Is consciously paying attention,

When I’m feeling their energy, If others who believe the stereotypes pay attention, May they ask themselves, “Is it true, that autists “don’t” feel empathy?”

It’ll help me, I’m also part of humanity, I’m also part of sentient energy.. If you’re in a place of real open empathy, You’ll see..

If you think I don’t have a “moral compass”, or whatever.. I suggest re-reading this, Since it’s not only “autists”, Who don’t always, Pay attention

This is my safe space, Please be in a compassionate rational inner place, What you say, If not now, Has an effect,

I try my best to live in alignment with peace, But if you push me when I’m not inwardly at peace, Don’t expect me to sustain behavioral peace,

I struggle retaining social information and keeping up on the same paying attention page, So don’t use it against me, Please!! If I break, I don’t always trust how mainstream institutions will help me, Since, I haven’t often felt successful at conscious cultivation for inner emotional self-control,

JUST SAYING!!

There’s a level of truth in my label, But I don’t want it to get out of balance for me internally especially,

So if you want to comment some spontaneous scumbag BULLSHIT, Please re-read it,

And to anyone, Don’t isolate and pigeonhole or label or categorize me dismissively, Since I been in brutally dark holes already, “Speaking for myself”, OBVIOUSLY

I want that inner clarity to listen and pay attention more clearly, I’m easily clouded due to high emotional reactivity, which may cause intensity that I may fail to sufficiently clear or let go of properly, but will instead suppress and explode eventually causing me to get in life threatening trouble obviously..

I want that inner clarity to listen and pay attention more clearly, I’m easily clouded due to high level inner emotional reactivity so please don’t hurt me..

I don’t want anger to delude me, I don’t want to get triggered, react then regret..

I know most don’t have this privilege to write this much if at all, I’m trying my best..

Alright,

Aside from this space, I still haven’t settled in an “ethical” self-sustaining safe space, According to this culture, Since I’m in my mid-twenties and never left my mom’s place,

So if you want to comment, since comments are now open, please, be in a helpful inner place, It may help this place, Unlike that YouTube comment I got that said “Go back to your safe space soy boy”..

I hope for a safe inner space, and be safe in a safe external place

Words are quality over quantity, since their intention is to express thoughts and feelings clearly, speaking for me..

as I write this presently.. I also hope excessive pressure doesn’t take me out of the present while pursuing a goal..

May we be free from a painful hole, May we cultivate self-control, even if we’re locked in a cage with sadistic beings, whose suffering causes us suffering,

May we always cultivate peace within, In whatever external environment we’re presently inevitably in,

I can take steps to feel a feeling but can’t force it, the choices just happen without choosing, decisions naturally happen without deciding, I hope that adequately describes it, hopefully we adequately balance work and resting, to fill life with meaning, in the present, in which I feel life is happening…

Predisposed emotional sensitivity makes me more vulnerable to pressure, expectation, fear, insecurity, OCD, out of balance somatically attacking panic (if that made sense..)

I try taking it “day by day”, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, present by present..

I’m just trying to be grateful for more of it.. which feels like good commitment.. but why label it.. ? huhhhh..

I just prefer less pressure, which I hope makes me feel better.. since words are quality over quantity, to be realistic, I hope it’s tolerable, if I’m not always prolific

I hope for increasing goodness without pressure of requirement,

Goals of appreciating more presence

I’m quieter than a mouse at social places like Yard House, don’t want high-school drama so I don’t leave the house, when everyone was partying I was seeing a therapist thanks to them bullying and excluding me which exacerbated by autistic emotional sensitivity, I’m pissed.. I got another nasty look from a stranger today, I wish it wasn’t this way,

Yeah I know I’m posting poems like crazy..

But everyday, more cruelness just comes my fucking way,

Seems to be the covid way.. maybe people will wake up one day, since this doesn’t feel close to okay.. and to specify since I always assume I’m being criticized.. I’m referring to FAR LESS THAN OKAY

Since we’re social beings, if you struggle being social, you’ll struggle attaining and maintaining fitness for survival,

too often I feel that opinion..

Another nasty look

Another nasty look

Another nasty look

I try to be a pacifist, I try to be a pacifist.. don’t keep scaring me.. don’t keep scaring me..

When I’m too scared I don’t think rationally

I easily get angry at what I’m afraid of and we can’t make peace with angry energy.. if you think about it mathematically

Be a man they said,

Your pants are too low, You pants are too high, Don’t try to show off your muscles! Be humble! Be approachable! Don’t be a wussy! Women want a warrior! Women are vulnerable! Women can’t protect themselves!Look strong! Look big! Don’t be an ass!

You want trouble!?

Wear a tie! Wear dress shoes! You’re too flamboyant! You look gay! You look like a clown! Where’s your style!? Where’s your swag!?

Be a Man they said,

Don’t be too muscular, Don’t be too weak! Don’t be too out of shape! Bulk up! Cut!!
Stop working out so much!! You’re so OCD!!

Eat protein!! Don’t be a vegan! Don’t eat McDonalds! Have a nutrition regimen! You look like a shrimp! Why don’t you work out!?

Be aesthetic. Be confident! Be the leader! Be alpha! Be a boss! Be the king! You Goddamn beta cuck.. You good for nothing piece of shit.

Be a man they said.

Go out for sports! Get straight As! Achieve this! Achieve that! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

Never cry! Stay centered! Avoid trouble! Always fight! Look tough! Be courageous! Face your fears!! Relax.. Man just chill! You look anxious, You don’t need to hide your feelings from her. Sensitivity turns women off. Don’t be a WUSSY, Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Pay attention next time!! Use your words, I’ll fuck you up!! Where u at KID!!?

Be a man they said! Be strong! Look cut! Look proud! Make money! Get out of your mom’s house! Help the family! Don’t be too in your feelings! Be true to yourself! Don’t be a weirdo! Eat, Sleep, Workout, Study!!! Why don’t you just MAN UP YOU FUCKING DUNCE!!? FUCKING CRY BABY!!

Be a man they said.

Your suit looks weird! Get a haircut! Don’t be a skinhead! That hair looks girly! You’re a SOY BOY!! You need therapy!! Look grown up! Don’t be gentle! You want pussy or not!? You’re quieter than a mouse. Woman want confidence. Be comfortable in you’re own skin. Just chill bruh, What the fuck is your deal!? No need to be hard on yourself. YOU NEED TO BE HARDER ON YOURSELF!!!!!

Be a man they said. Save money, Buy that car! You better buy her what she wants!Don’t objectify women! Only go for the 10s! Don’t be a douchebag! “Nice guys finish last”! You gotta have swag bro.

Be a man they said.. Don’t be too quiet!
Don’t talk back to THE MAN, Follow orders, Just do what he says!! Why are you sad!? Where’s your LOYALTY, Don’t be a wise-ass! Don’t be a pushover! Don’t be a SNITCH. Have loyalty!! You’re too sensitive! Stop being a little bitch! Stop crying! Don’t make me beat your ass again!! You deserved it.

Be a man they said.

Don’t get angry! Don’t complain! Don’t curse! Don’t overthink! Push your thinking ability! “No pain, no gain!!” Don’t be a sucker. You’ll be rewarded in heaven. Be in the moment. Focus on your future. What’s your life blueprint? “IF YOU WANNA SUCEED, YOU GOTTA WANT TO SUCEED AS BAD AS YOU WANT TO BREATHE!!”

Be a man they said.

Put yourself first! Keep her entertained! That’s a man’s job. You’ll make a great husband someday! Let her take care of the kids! She’s making the money? Fucking liberal!! Fucking fascist!!

Question authority, Join the military, Be loyal!! Be true to yourself, Praise God, Believe in democracy, You don’t support your leader!!? Who’d you tell!!?

Be a man they said!

Don’t be a virgin! Don’t come on too strong! Don’t give into peer pressure! Drink Pussy!! Chug!!!!! Why’d you tell your mom!!? Don’t be a bully! Why can’t you just take a joke!!? Don’t be a sucker. Don’t be a quitter. “Everything we do is for a reason”.

Be a man they said.

Don’t be a creep! Always chase the pussy! Don’t trust anyone! Remember loyalty!! Do what the boss says! You ain’t a team player! Mind your own fucking business!!

Support freedom of thought. You don’t believe in God!!!? God is a MAN!!

Stop fucking repeating yourself!! Stop cursing so much!! You anxious you fucking pussy!!?

Follow orders, Do what the boss says! Never question tradition! Express yourself! CUT YOUR HAIR YOUNG MAN!!!

You think you’re a victim? Always blaming someone else? You goddamn lazy Communist!! Fucking evil fuck!! You’re Hitler!! Satan! You need discipline! You need to be more independent! You’re too soft! We’re capitalists! We always make choices. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. Don’t just think of yourself, Only focus on yourself, Money is everything! Greed is a sin, “Greed is good”, Help those in need, “Only the strong survive”, Don’t be arrogant, I made it and you didn’t, Be humble, I worked hard and you haven’t, Don’t be judgmental, Don’t just label, You’re a failure!! You’re a loser!! You belong in the LOONY BIN,

Watch out for gaslighting, Be a man!! WRONG!! Stop whining!! Be compassionate, Watch out for EVIL, You want respect? You have to earn it!

I’m done listening, Man up, GET IN LINE,

Don’t do drugs, Take your medication!!

Be a man they said.

(Inspired by the video/poem/commercial “Be a lady they said”)