Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel,
Even those who are nice to me,
Deep down,
At least as far as they dug,
They still..
Haven’t discovered enough likable qualities in me,
And knowing everything I ESPECIALLY don’t like about myself,
Like hypersensitivity and OCD,
which even greater interferes with my greater than usual learning challenges and adversity..
That typical assholes can use against me..
Still.. it makes sense,
Why even the nice people,
Also,
Don’t like me,
And will get VERY pissed at me,
EVENTUALLY..,
Sometimes.. if not often,
The only thing I feel many want from me,
Is someone to give advice to,
To criticize,
To feel “better than” for their own unconscious insatiable validation..
(Their.. unprocessed, unhealed INSECURITY..),
And nothing else,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel I over-explain,
And use too much words,
That may distract the reader,
from feeling,
Any important,
cleansing,
needed feeling,
I intend my writing,
to facilitate,
actually experiencing,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I often question,
Such as..
Is me not giving examples,
Always “bad” or “vague”?
Since,
I intend what I say,
For myself especially,
To be remembered and applied,
When living,
And..
Sometimes, although not always,
I feel when I give examples,
It may be confusing..
Yet,
My thoughts often spiral,
And get less clear and more confusing,
Whether it’s due to obsessive thinking..
Not allowing thoughts to pass..
That kind of unwanted,
painful,
frustrating..
experiencing,
Sometimes.. if not often,
When writing,
and especially revising,
I’m rushing..
or lack too much patience,
So I miss too much nuance (or subtle detail (?)),
And what I write,
I believe,
Appears more shallow,
More limited,
And requires more,
Even.. hard to attain awareness,
For the person reading to have,
clear enough,
understanding,
If not empathy,
For relating in their own way(s),
And..
Since,
I always try to have my intention be,
My writing,
Open and helpful for infinitely new and infinitely,
deeper and deeper,
clearer and clearer,
greater and greater,
Helpful and more helpful,
ways of helpful interpretation(s),
Understandings
connecting,
Resonating,
Etc, etc..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I wonder that,
Just because I’m not as knowledgeable about one of my skill sets..
Just because I’m not as aware of the names, terms..
of styles of writing and techniques,
even ones that I use,
does not mean I’m worse,
and it does not mean,
that I can’t form my own understanding,
especially since language,
and whatever form(s) of expression,
are,
or may always be changing..?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can’t tell,
If I equally struggle to get a handle on,
What I’m faced and struggle,
to get a handle on,
In comparison,
To others,
And whatever they deal with,
And what’s inwardly and outwardly,
Going on..?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I fear that,
Yet of course..
can’t tell,
What I understand is meant build me up,
Is mostly,
F*cking me up??
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can’t tell,
If I’m learning what I need to learn,
And understanding deeper and clearer,
What I already understood for however long before?
Or..
If I’m regressing,
And at different paces..
leaving this physical form I’m presently experiencing?
Well..
Existentially speaking,
And/or aside from what may seem most painfully,
or just clearly,
obvious,
I’ve never been ULTIMATELY certain,
of what’s coming..?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can’t tell,
If..
I’m an archetype that’s suitable..
and/or to be expected,
in my culture,
Or..
If I’m so uniquely,
pointlessly,
harmfully unusual,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel my feelings,
And trying to understand,
And inwardly untangle them,
Is a hypersensitive waste..
Or maybe..
My thinking in those moments,
has just been contaminated by mainstream toxic waste..?
Sometimes.. if not often,
WHEN,
I’m in a different context,
With mere outward attention,
to the social environment,
I feel that what I wrote previously,
Was completely pointless..
But in those moments I believe I don’t presently remember the important points,
Of my writing,
Such as..
To understand,
how to prevent,
my kind of pointless,
Suffering,
My pointless,
Insecure behavior that I developed due to my innate hypersensitivity in combination with being bullied..
Sometimes.. if not often,
When trying to socialize and interact with others,
I remember why I chose not to,
Why I chose to stay away as much as I could,
But I struggle avoiding toxic people..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel,
Too,
TOO OFTEN,
That I can’t avoid people who make me miserable,
So since I talk about causes and what I hope my pain does NOT cause me to do,
I fear that..
If others just don’t listen to my needs,
And just keep treating me like shit,
I think they should realize,
That they’re pushing it,
And instead of making certain types of history repeat itself,
Well..
They better hope I don’t violently lose it,
And..
“I’ll control it”,
Which I will do,
But because of all the fear and what I could be accused of and be forced to undergo,
I had to have that disclaimer..
Instead of just expressing it..
I guess..
If we just want to keep denying our part in it,
We can never get to the heart of it,
To heal it..
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
Aside from others being hard on myself,
And making me feel like..
(As for the so-called toxic masculine culture)..
Aside from others making me feel like..
A “pussy”, or a “bitch”, “cunt” or whatever hurtful (especially in those types of context) word(s)..
I often feel,
I’m TOO HARD ON MYSELF,
Already,
Which just adds to bad energy,
That inwardly fills and limits me,
As opposed to cleansing myself,
So less weighs me down internally,
So I can follow my truth,
As presently inwardly free and clearly,
As much as I presently can be,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can’t tell,
if I’m blocking out my truth,
Or living the best I can..
And cannot do much..
if anything more..?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can’t tell whether the person I’m trying to have a friendly conversation with,
Is also trying to be friendly with me,
Or is instead,
Hurtfully challenging me?
By dumping their emotions on me,
Out of their own unconsciously built up insecurity,
Which contaminated them,
And is showing in that moment more than the emotional toxic energy suppressed in me,
And when this occurs,
I often question and doubt myself,
and end up telling myself,
“It’s just your hypersensitivity”,
But then,
When I interpret a different newly formed interpretation of the same past interaction(s),
The rage hits me,
Sometimes endangering my own,
If not additionally,
the other’s safety,
As it just becomes,
However violent or not..
Blind fury,
Sometimes.. if not often,
As for my posts.. (aside from everything I do..),
Even though in many ways,
Such as figurative description,
I lack profoundly,
as compared to many,
Especially those with great positive mainstream popularity..
HOWEVER,
I still feel..
I have MORE TO OFFER,
AS FOR,
My ideas that I believe are CRUCIAL for myself to remember,
And may still in some ways be helpful as for those who in many ways,
Often seem to,
Have it easier,
Sometimes.. if not often,
Such as me criticizing those I’m jealous of,
Since my ego feels less capable,
less able,
and that I was more “wronged” in life..
Well..
I still get PARANOID..
so I don’t criticize the egos who my insecure ego hates,
But is this paranoia necessary..?
Can I speak out at them in a way that’s unfiltered?
Without them taking offense or feeling threatened by me..?
Assuming in a period where many read my writing..
Obviously..
And even though I often feel many won’t recognize me,
I still do my best at what presently feels true,
Regardless..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel a reluctant impulse,
To write every new and/or clearer thought and/or feeling down,
Instead of just letting most of them pass,
Focusing more on appreciating the present,
In alignment with my integrity,
Yet instead..
The OCD to write everything down,
Even though,
And the more I remain on a good track,
The more likely..
A deeper,
and clearer understanding I believe at some point,
Will come around,
Eventually,
For example..
Aside from not utilizing all the capability we have,
I guess,
There’s capability we have,
that we have not yet discovered is possible..
Capability in newly infinite forms,
That can be expanded upon in whatever infinite direction,
Capability for experiencing the moment, such as travel,
Or wherever we are now to experience more out of what we experience..
And although I’m NOT a researcher, physicist, astronomer, space, time and/or dimension traveler, spiritual teacher..
or whatever..
Well.. I try my best,
to follow the best path I see fit,
(Even though recently I haven’t been close to consistent..),
Still,
I try to expand more of what I presently view to be my capability,
As well as discovering more and more (without harmful pressure..),
All of what truly is,
a greater,
Possibility,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel that with my condition,
Living in mainstream dysfunction,
Regardless of however much work I do on myself,
I’ll still,
inevitably feel pain,
Whether it’s because of the amount of insecure unconscious forces my culture ingrained,
That no amount of self/spiritual development could completely protect me from,
or against..?
Well..
Still doing my best..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel I have the potential,
to safely advocate for myself,
FAR MORE THAN I PRESENTLY AM,
For my own rights,
To utilize them,
for the best experience I can have..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I believe others have a distorted view,
of what it means to be “strong”,
Such as..
Based on how I perceive,
I believe,
that they seem to (unconsciously (or inadequately consciously)) believe,
Being strong means,
“being an asshole, using violence..”
“overly emotionally and abusively expressing oneself,”
Instead of,
Remaining civil,
while advocating for ourselves,
Refraining from the insatiable tempting urge to abuse the emotional/political/financial power we may (if ever) have.. and instead,
Heal our internal pain,
instead of,
unconsciously reacting,
in vain,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel that those who are atypically challenged like me,
Would be just as bad for me,
If not worse,
Than most everyone,
And,
As for being in groups of those categorized with my level of autism,
Since like in every group, we’re also all unique and different,
When forced to hang out with each other,
It doesn’t mean we’ll automatically “like” each other..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I wonder,
If all (or most) conformists,
Aside from conforming out of fear of isolation..
Conform to surface level behavior with the assumption that it’s what others expect,
While not knowing,
That others (regardless of how aware they are of this..),
Would truly prefer a deeper, clearer experience of consciousness,
Yet since everyone assumes the others prefer unconscious nihilism,
There’s no discussion regarding,
How everyone either knows they would,
And/or would truly prefer deeper, clearer, more meaningful experiencing,
Especially if they were to experience this..
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
When interacting with people,
I’m reminded of reasons,
Why I chose to avoid them when I was way younger,
(Such as in elementary, middle and high school),
Such as mistreatment of me..
And wasteful.. toxic drama,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I wonder if we all process our issues together,
Instead of just reacting to each other,
Instead of escalating problems between each other,
Creating micro and/or macro, social and/or violent, life threatening drama,
As our internal pain that we unconsciously cultivated,
Just goes unchecked as the forces just keep filling in and emanating and exacerbating pain out of us..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I question,
If I’m good enough for those,
Who are as I judge to be,
good for me?
Largely because,
I don’t want to be harmful in return..
Evidently..
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I wonder,
If most who I view as shallow,
Are actually more clearly,
deeply aware..
than me?
Or is my mind..
“playing tricks on me”?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I assume that those who tell me,
To avoid certain people,
To “choose friends wisely”,
Those who remind me of likely possibilities such as telling me..
“You’ll become those who you hang around”,
Or I guess..
“You become your friends?”
Are also people (for whatever reasons), who I must also avoid..
Unfortunately..
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
Although we all (at least most of us),
Have many different sides to us..
Sometimes.. if not often,
Someone’s bad side(s),
Is too toxic,
For me to continue being around,
Yet,
I don’t always successful find an escape from them,
Sometimes I’m trapped in an environment with plenty of them..
Sometimes.. if not often,
Since many may at some point emphasize with me,
Complement me,
Offer whatever helpful positivity towards me..
And other times,
Return to being hard on me..,
So I ask myself,
Who are the ones..
Really,
Truly,
Important for me..?
Sometimes.. if not often,
Aside from understandable personal reasons for desperation,
I’m not sure..
How much of a victim I am,
Of whatever level of conscious or unconscious manipulation..
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel inadequately conscious for appreciating the most of my always occurring present experience,
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel I think too much,
To examine and get the most out of my presently occurring conscious awareness varying,
Physically manifesting experience,
As a wave out of all true experience essence..
Essentially..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel I could be examining my experience with more awareness,
To find and appreciate my experience way, way more,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel that when most aren’t laughing at me,
Are instead,
Mad at me,
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
In posts like these,
I can’t tell,
if I’m really,
really saying too much,
Or..
Even if it’s not as essential,
Still,
In whatever ways,
Sufficiently helpful,
Sometimes.. if not often,
When whatever happens to cause me to have an exceptionally bad day,
I often feel there’s more reasons why I’m feeling that way..
Aside from whatever occurred or triggered me.. internally and/or externally..
That day,
?
Sometimes.. if not often,
I’ll achieve a goal,
And the most minute “imperfection”,
Will pressure me to do it again..
Such as.. when I handed my phone to my friend (who I trust) to read my poem,
My OCD voice instructed me,
To redo my already obsessive goal of over 100 blog posts,
In case he were to change anything in my posts on my wordpress app since I was signed into my phone..
Even though I KNOW he would NOT do that,
The OCD voice tells me to “redo” all those posts and make sure to have more personal goal achievement “certainty”,
Regardless of the fact that speaking ideally and practically.. my posts are intended to help and therefore me SHARED with everybody,
And are not just about me..
Yet those tempting forces of insatiable ego OCD.. sometimes just get me..,
And when succumbing to it,
the OCD voice will get more crazy,
And tell me to “film myself when writing”..
Etc.. etc..
Yet sometimes,
I rationally,
Productively,
Do NOT feed,
What the OCD voice tells me,
Sometimes.. if not often,
Regarding the above stanza,
As for doing creativity for “ego security”,
And/or doing it to share and HELP everybody,
(In addition to ourselves evidently..),
I feel like,
As for those who try and sincerely WANT to primarily help others in addition to themselves through their creativity..
such as writing..
drawing..
music playing..
object manipulating such as juggling.. even morally good intentional advertising..
Well,
Sometimes..
When we fail to..
It shows..
Whether it’s in ego expectation being a distraction in the process of creation..
Whether it’s an interview after a moment of more “selfless” creation.. such as showing and uncontrolled insatiable desire for more and more attention..,
So even though we mean well,
The more we excel,
Well..
The more temptation may come..
As well?
Sometimes.. if not often,
If not ALWAYS..,
The more I feed my insatiable ego,
The less I focus on going to the unhealed source(s) in the internal,
To increase my chances of being more often happy,
peacefully stable,
And more capable,
To attain and sustain experiences in which I’ll be more grateful,
To have experienced,
And to continue presently experiencing,
Free in the present,
Free from distracting thoughts, like pressure and social/cultural/traditional expectation(s),
Sometimes.. if not often,
IF NOT ALWAYS,
I..
As truly needed,
Focus on what I most see fit,
As most helpful,
And..
Every once in awhile,
I practice what I believe,
And appreciate experiencing,
The present rewards,
Of what my beliefs and practices,
Were (or are..),
Intending,
Sometimes.. if not often,
If not ALWAYS..
I wonder if my sharing of my feelings/experiences is too UNNECESSARILY open?
And putting me in too much of a vulnerable position??
Such as making it easy for others to use what I say against me,
Since what I express may not be worded sufficiently.. causing those who already don’t adequately (if at all) understand me..
To EVEN greater MISUNDERSTAND and then spread their JUDGMENTAL misunderstandings about me..
With all the judgmental energy,
All the excessive fear,
Including all political sides of “cancel culture”,
Is what I’m posting..
Especially for myself..
Really helping?
Yet,
I’ll still,
try to always continue,
aligning with my (truths),
With the most I can..
Since.. aside from being “autistic”..
I’m also a..
PATRIOT,
Since I feel I’m morally accountable,
To refrain from obsessive fear of how I and others may ultimately judge me,
Since,
I’ve been blessed immensely,
To express myself,
FREELY,
At least..
I feel that..
Sometimes.. if not more.. if not often recently..
And hopefully this will continue increasingly,
Helpfully,
Evidently,
Sometimes.. if not often,
Or regarding my last post..
After any new post..
What I post always feels “Never Good Enough”,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can CLEARLY understand and express..
What OCD does to me.. figuratively..
Such as..
Sometimes.. if not often,
(Regardless of what I said in my first stanza regarding figurative description..),
Obsessive compulsive behavior,
Sucks me out of the clear sky,
And I painfully watch,
as the clearness,
I could be experiencing,
Just passes by,
Making my experiencing,
perceiving,
and writing,
Too clouded,
With confusing words,
That feel dry,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can stay open and true,
As the obsessive dark storm clouds,
Pass by,
Leaving my awareness,
Focused and feeling I’m truly doing all I can do,
To experience my present best,
In this present experience,
In ways I see fit,
As,
True,
Sometimes, if not often,
Well.. no.. it’s not often.. yet due to OCD I wanted to start each stanza of this post exactly..
Yet..
Sometimes..
I guess,
The more OCD clears,
I more I can describe OCD,
With clearer and clearer metaphors,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel my writing..
Aside from “Never Good Enough”,
Is actually..
Very shitty..
Well,
I hope some good can be taken from it..
Obviously,
Sometimes.. if not often,
When I speed my thinking up,
I don’t slow it down,
However.. instead of down,
I’m glad I feel my feelings..
Have at least somewhat been,
More up,
Regardless.. I still plan to never,
Give up,
And plan to still try my best to,
For myself satisfaction,
partially..
To continuously,
Give forth,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I hear what I view as surface level insight,
From others who are,
On the materialistic, careerist surface, or however more “successful” than me,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel we’re more capable,
At furthering and experiencing our present capability,
And even if it may be hard to see, remember and practice clearly,
Hopefully doing so,
Makes what is very hard already,
Reasonably,
Less hard,
As needed,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel pressure for my philosophical understanding(s) or beliefs to become more clear and deeper,
For my present experience to be more clear and deeper,
Of what I view as my truth within,
Yet I don’t want painful expectation(s),
Even if the expectation(s) regard less expectation(s),
I just want to let whatever is truthfully most presently needed to happen next,
Happen,
Sometimes.. if not often,
Although I believe it’s important to be open,
I still don’t need to obsessively follow and study teachings that don’t feel to benefit me,
There’s many books regarding spirituality..
And although “to each is own”,
I still feel I need to pick,
And stick,
Primarily to one of them,
Eventually..
So if I didn’t read a large spiritual holy book,
or books,
that many (or most) have read,
Well,
I can still follow the path that “speaks to me”,
or feels most suitable,
and/or practical for me,
Instead of..
compulsively focusing on all,
And building on, practicing, and/or learning,
not much of anything..
Just saying..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel words are my personal best means for expression,
Yet,
I feel my words just don’t sufficiently express what I want to express,
And causes me pain,
Such as feeling and/or believing that others are not understanding nearly enough of what I feel a need for them to understand (if not emphasize with)..,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel that although words are “limiting”,
Such as they may “limit” a feeling being expressed (such as by defining and/or specifying in a way that may be “narrowing” the broad, infinitely deep feeling..?)..
Such as.. words exist on the surface of feeling so they have “depth” limits..?
Regardless..
I hope my words can be somewhat helpful..
And even if they’re too limiting,
Regardless of what I was initially intending when writing,
I still intend the words I post,
To possibly.. be a door that opens to infinitely new helpful directions of experience that continue infinitely,
Hence,
I wish that my writing may be helpful,
To at least some level,
Or degree,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel I’m often, if not always,
Wrong about everything,
Yet I could be wrong about that,
And be mostly.. if not totally..
right about at least most of it..?
“It” being what I express.. or anything I guess..
Honestly..
Regardless of whatever is very obvious..
I don’t believe I can get ultimate certainty..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I obsessively compulsively,
Yet reluctantly,
Put more emphasis,
On writing new,
passing and/or deepening,
clearing thoughts,
Instead of putting more emphasis,
On what thoughts are most needed,
And sufficiently,
clearly expressed..
Regardless,
I’m glad,
To have written this..
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel my writing isn’t helpful to anyone on any helpful level,
Well,
Whenever I feel that,
I hope it means I just don’t presently see,
How helpful it is,
Or can be,
Truthfully,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I have hope,
Yet feel very unsure quite often,
Sometimes.. if not often,
I feel that eventually,
Feeling better,
And more comfortable,
With meaningful adventure,
With courage,
With anything in any present moment of being,
Will eventually..
More frequently..
Happen
Sometimes.. if not often,
I can’t tell,
What is a life “phase”,
And what I most likely,
Won’t pull myself out of..
Sometimes.. if not often,
Aside from all I post,
Aside from all I enjoy trying to offer,
This life,
Although I plan on staying and accepting as much as I can,
here,
A lot still doesn’t feel close to what I prefer..
Although..
Yes..
Sometimes.. if not often,
When I remind myself,
What I’m grateful for,
It helps me direct my attention,
In a more positive,
grateful,
sometimes happier,
more equanimous and peaceful,
Direction
Zach Dana Writing 