It’s crazy how much I analyze,
While I also realize,
I just need to live it,
And NOT excessively analyze it,
Yet my ego just wants it,
It wants to validate to itself that I’m “intelligent”,
To disprove other egos that didn’t believe that,
Even though I CLEARLY know that it’s more important to care less what others think,
And,
Enjoy more of the present moment(s)
To me it just often seems that,
The more successful,
The more of a dickhead people become,
If you define success as becoming selfishly locked-in more and more to your own world,
Such as your beliefs,
Possessions,
Ego achievements,
And if you callously disregard anyone who sees different or who you view as “incompetent” or made “worse choices” with ZERO regard to different individual characteristic effects resulting from the same and different life experiences,
(For example..),
To me it just seems that,
Many who become successful,
As for my first stanza’s definition of it,
Are just so closed-off,
Full of judgment,
And don’t emotionally process,
Or choose paths of awareness expansion,
Because,
Those who became “successful”,
haven’t felt a need to,
Since they had an easier time fitting into the same unconscious,
inadequately introspective,
inadequately aware society,
..
So they weren’t weighed down,
By inner painful frustration,
Resulting from not feeling they fit in to the uncontrolled nihilistic energy,
Punitive,
Insensitive and judgmental fixed mentality,
(For example..),
In my belief,
There’s always new internal foundational discovery,
That may benefit any definitions of success there may be,
And hopefully,
We can view success,
Compassionately,
And in ways that reduce suffering that is immensely unnecessary,
Especially
No matter how reasonable or not,
If I’m having feelings that are difficult,
I must NOT suppress,
But instead take a look at them,
In order to clear them,
As I definitely made clear before,
The more I suppress,
The more likely they’ll explode,
Or,
The more likely the toxins will,
Destroy me,
Even though I wish I didn’t struggle with hypersensitivity,
I still must cleanse and know how to prevent inevitable meanness from others destroying me,
Since it may come from just about anybody,
Even sometimes from those who I admire who sometimes also may often empathetically support me greatly,
Seemingly,
Practically all of us have darkness that fills and comes out of us onto others in unique and varying extents,
So in my belief,
cleansing and strengthening ourselves,
Needs to be remembered,
Consistently,
According to me,
In my belief,
Although we know this,
We need to remember this,
To refrain from toxic forces of unawareness grabbing a hold of us,
And to,
Sustain and increase cleansing and empowering consciousness
Fear seems to manifest in many ways,
Some that come to my mind..
Which like anything,
Can be explained clearer and clearer,
To me..,
Seems to be..
The majority of a population turning to a hierarchy, to protect them from an imaginary enemy,
Or one that does exist,
Yet is NOT nearly as big of a threat as they think,
..
And the leaders of the hierarchy,
And those on lower levels,
Seem to all want to live in a way that’s precautionary,
Regardless of how rationally necessary,
And of course,
We may fearfully obey the powerful hierarchy(s) we rely on to keep us “safe”,
And,
We’ll obey and please them,
To ALSO ensure as much as we can that the hierarchy doesn’t oppress us,
And we’ll perpetually do this,
Out of unconscious disproportionate fear,
That,
Unconsciously developed in us,
And of course was previously unconsciously developed and passed down to us,
And due to fear,
We may be willing to give up freedom(s),
Such as our fear telling us to “arrest anyone who might be a threat”,
Regardless of giving them a fair trial to prove it,
So because we’ll let our fear navigate us,
..
We’ll look to the external,
Such as building up weapons,
And contributing to the weapons budget,
Instead of turning to the internal,
To clear and prepare for anything we may experience,
Instead of collectively,
compassionately turning inwardly,
As a culture,
We seem to take precaution irrationally,
..
Understandably due to history..,
Yet,
Since we also may HATE what we FEAR,
I guess a rational fear,
Would be FEAR itself causing,
As they say,
“History to repeat itself”,
..
Such as hating what we disproportionately fear,
Leading to irrationally fearing an entire group,
Therefore hating the group we fear,
Causing us to unconsciously distance and form instant irrational reactionary judgments,
Of the other group(s),
Increasing chances of..,
More war(s),
Genocide(s),
Torture..,
..
Causing the same suffering to occur,
As it did before,
Before,
And before,
If not worse and worse..,
Unless,
We make it a value,
To work on ourselves,
To consistently cultivate rational thinking and awareness,
To consistently prepare ourselves for whatever we may internally and externally experience,
So we’ll have rational awareness,
Clear preparedness,
For a better experience,
Instead of FEAR,
Making us more unaware and less clear,
..
So..
Instead of Fear,
Inhibiting our ability to access more and more,
CLEAR,
inner strength,
We can collectively join on whatever path we choose,
To help us,
(Regardless of however presently capable we are),
Become,
More capable,
I guess during covid,
Many either became more awake,
remained the same,
or got even crazier..?
(for example),
So..
Well..,
..
If we conveniently NOT work on reducing and preventing irrationality such as fear and hate,
Yet if we instead find enough support,
And..
Inspiring inner experience(s),
(For example),
..
If we decide to WORK on finding the inner contaminated sources to CLEAR and/or CLEANSE the irrational forces,
Well,
Maybe..
Just maybe..
There will be a stronger,
Less fearful,
More emotionally clear and centered dominant world force,
?
Of course this,
Or a needed amount of this..,
May never happen,
However,
What I’m especially trying to emphasize,
Is that,
It CAN,
..
As for the driving moral force being,
NOT materialistic nihilism,
Neither irrational precaution,
Neither extremist ideology..,
Neither any form(s) of emotional out-of-balance irrationality,
Well..
According to me,
A dominant force CAN be,
RATIONAL clear inner awareness development,
On any spiritual path,
That’s most individually presently suitable,
If I’m still as many may say,
“hopelessly dreaming”,
overthinking and analyzing,
..
I still believe it’s needed to remember,
That ourselves (among more and more others),
Are capable,
Of more and more truly,
Deeply,
Inwardly clearly,
RATIONALLY,
Ongoingly bettering ourselves,
..
To me,
Regardless of the extents of which it does or doesn’t happen,
Regardless of the extents we do whatever we need to or not,
..
I believe,
It can,
Happen,
That being..
We can collectively ongoingly cleanse unconscious inner toxins and/or inhibitions,
To have more clearness,
Hence,
More freedom from toxic energy,
For the way we function,
Individually,
And,
As part of all society,
..
To avoid nihilism,
To have a moral purpose,
We can accept our differences,
In productive RATIONAL,
civil,
peaceful moral development practices,
Purposeful practices,
causes and/or ways of life,
that INSTEAD of,
As they say,
“Having to die for”,
We can,
Not only rationally “live for”,
But continue to explore and explore,
Meaningfully access and discover,
As we become ongoingly,
Rationally aware,
..
As long as our varying states of consciousness continues in our changing physical forms,
Which I believe it still always will,
And I believe,
It can,
Always,
In any ways,
forms,
etc,
Become better and better,
Clearer and clearer,
Deeper and deeper,
In ways that are needed and more and more preferred,
To make life,
Better and better,
Regardless of whatever happens,
I believe,
It can,
Continually and more expansively,
Happen,
Whatever does or doesn’t happen,
I continue to wish,
As I have often,
For less and less pain,
Less insecurity,
Less suffering in any form(s),
Primarily
(Partly inspired by “The Power of Nightmares” Part 1, 2 and 3..
Part 1:
https://youtu.be/Lsh6F6gMch0
Part 2:
https://youtu.be/LwvSQ56HYg8
Part 3:
https://youtu.be/GB8m6nNWpMA)
Most,
IN ALL GROUPS THEREFORE INCLUDING MY OWN,
seem locked into their own self-interests,
And,
With my innately vulnerable (autistic) challenges,
Their unconscious ego self-interests,
Have and continue to,
Step on,
Feed off,
And as for the pain I carry,
The pain their more typical/less vulnerable (to whatever extent consciously aware or not) individual selves pass onto me..
Just..
EXACERBATES,
My pain..,
So they can try to feel good about themselves,
Which only lasts temporary,
Since as we know..
It does NOT address and cleanse the deep sources of the painful unconscious built-up insecurity..,
Yet..,
They remain individually and collectively egotistically locked in,
While I’m not welcome,
Judged and of course as the title says..
LOCKED OUT,
Instead they could join me in additional needed support,
In a dominant unconscious cleansing,
Awakening effort,
Yet..,
As they say..
“It is what it is”,
And COULD be better..
Now I’ll say “whatever”,
But if it gets too painfully worse,
A part of us,
Whether we choose to suppress,
Deny or NOT,
May clearly point out,
That..
As for all we could have done..
As for solving all we could have and needed to solve,
Well..
As they say..
“As time catches up”,
We’ll say to ourselves..
“We really f*cked up”
According to me..
Just because others have the same type of atypical (autistic) condition as me,
Does NOT guarantee their company is good for me,
It does NOT guarantee they’re like-minded and seek the same vision as me..
Such as because we all have different life experiences that shape us uniquely,
Etc, etc..
Obviously..
Just because others warn me,
That I’ll become “like my friends who I’m around”,
So I therefore must “choose friends wisely”,
Does NOT mean that they themselves are good for me,
Just because others may teach me profound life lessons,
Does NOT mean I should trust their actions towards me,
It does NOT mean they can do what they say enough to NOT be toxic for me,
Of course..
If they say they are “bad”,
Maybe to make me think they’re joking.. or whatever..
Then I must also stay away,
Since,
(In my present belief..),
Remaining aligned with good morals is harder,
Requires MORE consistent discipline on a deeper level,
Instead of (for example) insatiably seeking for one’s own personal gains on the convenient closed-minded judgmental surface level..,
And of course people will excuse what they do,
Like saying they just can’t control it,
And will go on and on about it..
So I must protect myself from all forms of it that I notice..,
I sometimes,
if not often,
feel that people’s bad side(s) are too much for me to handle,
Regardless of how many “heart to hearts” we have,
No matter how many experiences we have that are profoundly meaningful..
Sometimes.. if not often..,
Their bad sides they have,
Jeopardize my sanity..
And make me fear I’ll emotionally break eventually,
..
And to be honest,
I feel this has occurred more than once already,
I wish I felt on the same page as others,
In addition,
To sharing the same inner development,
Personal and spiritual continual betterment vision,
I’ve been in support groups and/or around supportive people,
Yet..
With all that is harmful that surrounds me,
It just does not feel frequent enough,
Constantly..
And I don’t trust remote communities,
Largely due to a great fear of horror stories..
I fear manipulation,
Which..
Of course could be in infinite forms of infinite depths,
..
And the manipulation could be unconscious,
Since the manipulator may not be aware of their narcissistic impulses..
Or if they’re aware,
They may feel their unconscious built up insecurity feels too strong,
And they may feel that even if they can’t align with what they say..,
Well,
They may still believe they’re teaching a “truthful way”..,
So..
Point is,
I don’t trust so.. so many..
I’m on medical leave from work at the moment,
Since my insecurity,
OCD,
and all my built up pain,
In addition to the other customer and/or work-related bullshit,
Even though practically it has good benefits..
Still..
Felt just too much to emotionally sustain, Like I said.. due to all my inner weight and hypersensitivity which can make what it supposed to be easy too much for me..
Yes,
Yes I’m accountable to contribute to society even though I have a confidence inhibiting label (autism),
in addition to all the unhealed inner bullshit resulting from bad experiences..,
Yet..
I hope to make it work in a way that’s more suitable for me,
I wish to find a way that’s more suitable,
And quitting is a risk I’m taking that I feel is just and reasonable,
Because.. yes.. I do struggle in a way that’s atypical,
It’s damn hard for me to find an environment that I feel to be sufficiently suitable,
In most environments,
I don’t share,
Nor am I on the same page with,
Those that are not autistic,
Yet,
Typical,
To whatever extent they do or don’t see each other outside of work,
Their non-learning challenged,
Non-emotional hypersensitivity,
Non-obsessive compulsiveness,
Yet,
Their typical functioning,
(Regardless of however they may be struggling),
Makes it work easier for them,
It makes it easier to connect with whatever they struggle with at work,
Easier for them,
I wish I was one of them..
Still..
I feel I have a right,
To make what I feel will work for me,
Work for me,
Instead of conforming and shutting myself down,
To what does NOT feel truthful to me,
That’s part of how I can describe how I’m feeling..
To the best of my awareness,
Presently
I want to be self-sustaining,
Not relying on any scumbag(s) for ANYTHING,
I want to be self-sustaining,
You get the point,
No need for further explaining,
AND/OR..
Analyzing,
I want to be more….
Self-sustaining
As they say..
“It is what it is”,
Although it completely sucks more than I can put into words,
It is what it is,
Although I’m still stuck in the bullshit,
It is what it is,
Although people just make it worse than it needs to be,
With their unconscious cruel uncompassionate, insecure and sadistic negativity,
It is what it is,
Although no matter what I say I can’t stop dickheads from being fcking goddam giant dickheads.. scumbags.. whatever the fck I’m not supposed to say because of this, that.. and whatever else I don’t know and won’t connect on the same goddam non-autistic page with..,
It is what it is,
Although I’m grateful it’s not as bad as it was and however it could be,
My mind still makes it so, so pointlessly hard for me!!!
It is what it is,
Although I still.., still want a better experience or existence..
It is what it is,
Although I f*cking hate it,
It is what it is,
Although people will always continue to ruin it..
It is what it is,
Although in different words and from different experiences I feel like I’m repeating the..
Same f*cking shit..
And just expecting more of it,
It is what it is,
And I still,
After all my failed attempts at sufficiently consistently finding peace,
love and equanimity practices..
I still..
CAN’T STAND IT,
It is what it is,
Although I just must stick with it,
Although I’ll most probably run into more,
if not horrific bullshit,
It is what it is,
Even though those who I criticize have more courage than me,
It is what it is,
Even though a BIG PART OF ME,
Feels that I should NOT give those non-autistic AND autistic (if ever the case).. politicians, business leaders.. whoever,
As they say..
“The benefit of the doubt”..
It is what it is,
Yet,
As for most of it,
I’d feel better..
Without
My mind is making this moment harder than necessary,
I’m trying to focus my attention on being grateful for all I have,
Yet my mind sucks me into insatiable OCD,
Or is it OCD taking over my mind..?
Is it the “chicken or egg” regarding what is making me feel bad,
Yes..
I know my mind came first before obsessive compulsive “disorder” (more like unconsciously developed insecure behavior..),
Yet..
The OCD forces are the insecurity that limits me,
Which results from bullying,
And not knowing,
How to respond,
Beneficially,
I know it was other egos,
I know they were frustrated with me,
And that they didn’t know how to help me,
And that they didn’t know how to distance themselves and most probably were NOT taught and were NOT supported as for recognizing and cleansing their own insecurity,
And I know my mind prevents me from being grateful,
I know my mind gives me obsessive compulsive vibes that I carry with me and frustrate others with,
Vibes that I’m tempted to block out with booze,
Not like I have anything helpful to offer..
Since beliefs and ideas are not practice techniques..
Welp,
My thoughts are passing,
My obsessive compulsive vibes are with me and I can’t instantly make them leave,
And if I did leave where would I go?
Don’t know..
I just,
Must,
Stay as the painful obsessive compulsive vibes weighs on me and makes what’s harder for me harder,
In addition to how others already made what’s harder for me,
With their bad vibes (or energy),
So much harder so damn frequently,
“It is what it is”,
And it is NOT okay,
Yet I have no choice but to keep staying strong on a way and whatever else comes my way
Whatever the surface says about me,
Such as how it labels me,
Whether it says I have “autism”,
A “good memory”,
“Hypersensitivity”,
“Slow attention”.. or “slow information processing speed”,
Whether the surface says I “struggle to see the ‘big picture’”,
Or that I “take what I hear as concrete”,
Or “literal”..,
And therefore..
“struggle to understand the figurative”,
Well..
In my belief..,
As a conscious “wave”,
Existing on the surface of infinitely deeper consciousness,
And..
Or I guess.. ?
As a being,
Existing on the surface,
Or..
As a being existing as one physical manifestation,
Of all beingness,
Well,
Whatever tests, studies, labels..,
Whatever tries to “define” me as “separate”,
From the infinite beingness I believe to be a part of,
..
Whatever tests, studies, labels..,
That were created,
from other beings existing on the surface,
Same as me..,
To whatever extent they know it or not,
They,
Can’t categorize,
Can’t separate me,
From all I believe to be a part of,
Which can’t be categorized,
Which I believe to be infinite,
In whatever infinite ways, forms, etc,
That clear, deepen, expand, etc,
Infinitely,
In my belief,
Regardless of how much categorization may be needed for helpful organization..,
In my belief..,
Categorizations,
Can be categorized,
Or defined as,
“Words that can NEVER capture infinite forms of infinity”,
Therefore I believe,
As a sentient form,
Same as all other sentient forms,
That I believe exist as one form that are a part of,
All infinitely deep forms of infinite life energy,
The word “autism”,
Can,
NOT,
Define me,
To further emphasize how the belief that “nothing can permanently define us” pertains to me,
Labels,
categorizations,
definitions,
or whatever word or set of words,
can’t define me merely as words,
Although in my belief,
That if words are used properly,
Words can open to feelings or experiences that words can’t capture merely by words themselves..,
Hence,
In my belief especially,
Any word,
Or any set of words,
Can’t completely capture (or describe) any or every truth about me,
..
And I therefore believe the same about every other sentient interconnected individual,
I therefore believe,
The word “autism”,
Can NOT define me,
I believe I’m a part of what can be learned about, experienced and discovered in infinite ways,
That continue,
Infinitely,
Or to rephrase that..?
I believe I’m a physical manifestation,
As part of,
Infinity,
That words can’t completely define,
Evidently
Zach Dana Writing 