Maybe what I see as my truth is not as crowd pleasing,
And well,
Maybe my insatiable attention seeking ego may pull me away from a more true,
Fulfilling and deeply compatible way,

Yet..,
Well..,
I just thought I’d make it clear,
That,
Speaking for myself,
Following a path of writing,
Just feels more fulfilling than juggling 7 balls,
Becoming a professional snowboarder,
Etc, etc,

And well,
Whatever others see fit is okay,
Yet,
Once again,
I’ll try to go my own true way

Well..,
Although some may “not have meant harm”,
I just,
May have felt harm..,

And well,
Even if it does not make their insecure egos feel well,
I just may,
Say,
However I feel I was affected by how they treated me,

Because,
I also have the same inalienable right,
To morally,
Considerately,

Be me the way I see

I totally feel that:

Our words and actions can easily affect others,
And I struggle to post what I see as true,
Because (FOR EXAMPLE) some may take what I say personally,
Hurtfully disagree and/or misunderstand me politically and spiritually,
..,
Some may worry,
Try to help in ways that just may make stuff worse for me individually,
Like suggesting medication with side-effects that shorten the life I could have experienced more deeply and meaningfully experienced..,
IF I were to properly follow a path as I see fit while walking along that path in a way I see as presently most fit..,
Taking each step at my own pace,
Not being peer pressured to go a different way..,
Etc.., etc..,

And well,
If I keep it real,
Well,
I fear,
That some,
Just may want to harm me,

Yet,
Even if the consequences will be unimaginably more painful than the stomach viruses I struggle to withstand..,
Well..,

I believe in freedom of speech,
I believe in freedom,

When it,
Just,
Most deeply comes down to it,

Yet I feel it takes deep courage,
To follow a path,
To morally,
Civilly,
Utilize it

I struggle to meditate,
I struggle finding sober spiritual fulfillment on any path..,
And I haven’t enjoyed fun sober activities like (FOR EXAMPLE) birdwatching,
Snowboarding feels too dangerous,
Too cold,
and has got boring..,
Fuck skateboarding and the scumbags heavily associated with it who condemn wearing helmets because “it’s not stylish”..,
I even have got bored with always reading..,
And I have had enough of baseball,
Basketball,
Never liked football..,
And well,
Yeah,
Juggling all the time in my free time has NOT felt to be a life worth living..,

Yes yes,
I ideally speaking,
Believe in reading,
Compatible healthy activities..,
Etc, etc, etc..,

Yet..,
If I constantly block out my misery,
With the side-effects being increased chances of sooner encountering liver cirrhosis,
Kidney failure,
Dementia and/or whatever illness alcohol may increase the chances of (and of course at a younger age..)..,

Well,
If I can barely handle a stomach virus,
How can I expect to handle anything like liver cirrhosis,
(Or whatever..),
And well,
I hope the pain-killers will be properly administered if available and/or affordable..(?),

Huhhhh..,

I just keep falling off the path I see as mostly truly fulfilling for me,

And I don’t mean to negatively predict my future,
Yet..,
Sometimes..,
I just worry,
Get discouraged..,
And yes,
That does add to additional inner misery,
Which I’m tempted to block out conveniently,
Even if the means of doing that are toxically out of alignment with the truth I feel to presently see..,

Huhh..,
It’s no joke..,
Including today,
On another drunken April fools early night morning,

Huhhhhhh

For one,
May no one take this painfully personally,
This is just another attempt to use words,
To point to how I feel I understand parts of reality:

Welp,
Since I feel energy fields affect all sentient beings,
That includes domesticated animals,

So for example,
If we’re pissed off because we have to take care of our family member’s dog (in addition to whatever else we may have a valid reason to be pissed about..),
Our edginess just may make our dog anxious,
Aggressive,
And/or more edgy,
?
Since,
Our energy fields just may affect other spiritually inseparable life forms that inevitably surround us and which (to an extent) we just may have to inevitably put up with..(?),

Yet,
If we properly followed an adequate inner body practice with truly positive like-minded welcoming individuals..(?),
If we’re happily peacefully present in the inner body,
If we’ve sufficiently developed an ability to deeply peacefully accept inevitable intense inner negativity about our seemingly misfortunate presently inevitable present reality..,
We just may MORE LIKELY instead be happily and peacefully engaged with the other physical life manifestation we’re dealing with in the present,

And even though I’m far from perfect as well,
Well,
I hope what I tried to put together in words here,
Still just may be at least somewhat,
Meaningfully useful

?

(Source: For one I don’t even know if I need to cite this.., yet Eckhart Tolle seems to refer to the “inner body” throughout his self-help/spiritual teaching book titled “The Power of Now”.. (published in 1997 (Vancouver)) (MLA format: Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. New World Library, 1997, pp. 3-229. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)))

Well..,
Yes,
The level of what I interpret and regard as meanness…
And/or..,
The amount of meanness there is..,
Does add to misery that additionally tempts me to conveniently (although temporarily) block out with alcohol,
..,
And well..,
Yes,
Even though a stronger spirit would remain sober in that level of misery,
Well..,
I hope what I have to say is sufficiently understood as I intend it to be..,

Yeah..,
Even though I may not remain in adequate alignment with my beliefs..,

I guess..(?),
I hope understanding them,
And/or applying them (although better than me),
Remains as a helpful,
Possibility

?

Even if this is “wishful thinking”,
And/or my cocky egoic imagination,
Well,
Just thought I’d indicate what I feel is possible,
That I can REMIND myself of,
And/or whoever else could possibly feel it to be helpful..(?),

Even in the can,
I must NEVER,
Take bullshit from anyone,

I must NEVER back down,

Whether I’m in prison,
The pen,
The “can”,
Even if I’m about to be forced into an oven casket,
Wrapped in the hardest chains to break,

Well,
I just,
Must,
And CAN..,
ALWAYS stay true,

Even if it’s just finding peace within a reality I can NOT avoid NOR change,

Even in the can,
I can,
And may,
NOT succumb to anxiety,
..,
And I can instead STAND,
As the truth I see,
Within,
And that I feel IS,

Me,

May I powerfully access deep true life energy!!!

AHHHHHH!!!!!

I will feel more fulfilled and empowered if I stay true to being kind among the scumbag majority,
..,
Not to excuse..,
Yet (for example) I feel it takes more strength to have understanding and compassion for criminals than to jump on the nasty insult bandwagon,

And well,
I feel,
It takes more strength to remember that those in pain cause pain,
And well..,
Speaking for myself as well,
It takes more strength to develop forgiveness and compassion for those who hurt us even if they feel that they have done “nothing wrong”,

Ohh I feel it is so much harder to find, develop and sustain true inner peaceful kindness and compassion,
Than to jump on the scumbag bandwagon,
And/or than to become part of the scumbag majority,

Ohh how I feel true inner peaceful kindness ain’t easy,
And must be developed properly and sustained consistently,

Yet I feel it’s just too easy,
To just not work on ourselves internally,
And let the meanness build and blast out of us repeatedly along with the scumbag majority,

Sadly,

Yet,
Even if we remain as an invisible minority,
Maybe kindness can (MORE likely) still give us a much deeper,
Beautiful present life experience

?

(Re-posted)

Is the way of the scumbag to,
Use his high level wit to treat others like shit..?
To..,
Use his martial arts to bully and overpower people..?
To justify his bullying of others through “unchangeable” human and/or “survival of the fittest” nature..,
To pressure his followers to jump on the meanness bandwagon,
Such as making fun of the anxious funny looking kid,
And/or explicitly,
If not implicitly threatening anyone who may stand up for the easily targeted victim..,
?

Is the way of the scumbag,
To find a way to mock every form of kindness it sees in order to feel a sense of direct “superiority”..?

Is the way of the scumbag,
Meant to form “positive” social connection through bringing others together through shared sadistic hateful world views..?
While regarding kindness as “weak”..,

Is the way of the scumbag,
To remain uncontrollably closed off to any inner peaceful emotional healing development..?
And therefore just,
Carelessly and effortlessly..,
Blasts out it’s misery by being a scumbag perpetually..?

Huhh..,
So many scumbags..

(Re-posted)

As hard as this is for me to say,
Well,
Maybe it’s fair of me to say,
That aside from all the painful history I may spiral about in deep paralyzing negativity,
..,
Well..,
Maybe you had life throw too much more shit at you,
?
And even though in many ways I may have been more fortunate,
Maybe you’ve always been more deserving of it,
?

And well,
I also wanted to thank you,
For sending my writing to two teachers you’ve known,
Who I vaguely remember and who I would guess you’ve known way deeper and longer,
And well..,

Since for me,
And even though popular cultural may perpetually misinterpret me quite brutally,
Well,
Thank you for saying that I have a gift in something,
That I often feel so many damn others just do NOT and may never see,

So I wanted to deeply thank you,
For helping me so,
So much,
Remain on a path,
That I see,
As way more fulfilling,
And gratifyingly,
True to me,
Beyond what words may ever describe,
To keep trying to speak honestly,

And regardless of what is to come,
Thank you,
For helping me,
With,
At least remembering to try,
To re-embark on a journey,
That I feel is MORE compatible,
That ZERO school administration,
That ZERO standardized tests.. etc, etc,
Would ever “determine” about me,

Essentially,

Based on what I see,

You have helped me,
Quite deeply