I feel:

It’s easier to join in with an existing power structure,
It’s easier to join in,
With the team of bullies,

It’s harder to be true to yourself,
With the risk of others torturing you,
Or leaving you by yourself,

I keep my mouth shut,
Because if I try to open it,
I’ll become a punching bag,

It just won’t work,
And well,
To stay safe,
I need to do what works,

And of course,
If I’m quiet,
Others will publicly acknowledge it..,

Well..,
It’s hard,
Not destructively reacting to it,

Others will find a way to try to satisfy their insecurity,
By bullying me,
And well,
I just need to keep looking for that inner peace in me,
Since I will NEVER win,

Against any level,
Of any,
Dominant authority

I wish I can just appreciate the moment,
Without ALWAYS being distracted by an obsessive urge to write everything down..,

I just want to appreciate the present,
Without feeling this painful obsessive need,
To constantly deeply analytically document,

Ohhh my mind just keeps me down,
My mind takes me out of the rest of my body,
My mind reduces my awareness to just unorganized over-thinking,
My mind makes me LESS aware,
My mind makes me MORE desperate,
My mind makes me MORE vulnerable,
More susceptible,
To harmful people,
Places and organizations,
(For example..),

Yes,
Here and there I feel it’s important to share,
To organize,
Etc, etc..,
Yet I must realize,
I must..,
Recognize it,
To safely and healthily reduce it,
When I’m overdoing it,

I just must keep spotting it,
And maybe start expanding my attention of my breath(?),
Then my inner sensations..,
Or I must,
Expand my attention,
In ways that’ll (also) MORE likely reduce toxic over-thinking,
I must catch myself when spirling..,
Just need some peaceful helpful reminding..,

Therefore..,
And/or to further emphasize..(?),
I feel that,
I must catch it,
When,
“In the thick of it”,
Is that how they say it ?
Well..,
Why must I overthink that..?

Why must I always have a deep explanation for everything..(?),
As opposed to,
Deepening my appreciating of my present experiencing..(?),
Why can’t I remind myself of the awesome fortune it is(?),
To just be,
Right here,
Right now,
In this good health,
As this elaborate human being,
Manifesting,
?

(I’ll cite this Alan Watts excerpt again: https://youtu.be/mMRrCYPxD0I)

Just felt a need for APPRECIATING..,
And well..,
As I believe,
There’s always,
A clearer and clearer,
Deeper and deeper,
Concise and more concise,
Wording,
Understanding,
Or whatever form(s) of conveying..,

And..,
Yeah,
In addition to not cutting out this stanza..,
I’ll remind myself again that:
As for creativity,
I must remind myself,
That the more my attention is consciously in the present,
The more expansive and therefore alert and aware my creative awareness is..,

The LESS I’m caught up in my mind,
The BROADER and MORE clearly alert my awareness is,
Such as,
Of whatever there is,
That is MORE than just,
My thoughts,
That is MORE than just,
My mind..,

I believe there’s always going to be something new,
Always a deeper view,
Huhhh..,
Expanding inner peaceful power in the present,
Is what I feel I must continue,
To try my best to do,

And even though it’s NOT easy,
Well..,
I’d say that overall,
It may just,
MORE likely be,
Better for me

?

(Source: (something (I presently feel to be) always worth watching again and again whenever we can https://youtu.be/uNyhYTVZu0w)

I want processing to be healing,
NOT,
Exhausting,

So,
If I’m becoming exhausted,
If there’s tension that’s building,
I’d say I might as well,
Take a look at,

How I’m practicing,

If deepening understanding is causing inner tightening,
If I notice tension arising,
Well,
I just may need,
To look and/or respond differently,

For reasons such as,
My inner experiences underlie everything I emanate externally,
So (I feel) it’s crucial,
For expanding my present life appreciation,
As well as awareness and alertness needs for survival,
That I meet my internal development needs,
Sufficiently,
Properly,
Continually..,

And others may feel I’m being “too serious”,
Well..,
I can’t save them from remaining delirious

I feel:

Although being perfect is infinite,
Therefore it’s “never perfect”,
Still..,
No matter how “perfect” something is,
Such as a friendship..,
Well,
There just may always be,
Some degree,
Of struggle,

?

Yes,
Obviously if there’s too much,
Or more bad than good,
Then that’ll therefore (of course) be toxic..,

Yet,
No matter how good anything may be,
I guess I must accept,
That there always may be some degree,
Of feeling unsatisfied,
Of feeling “unfulfilled”,

And well,
I’ll just try to accept this,
In order to be more at peace with this,
Instead of my mind,
Making it harder and harder,

I just want to be in the moment,
Instead of my mind’s negative analysis of it,

And no matter the degree of negativity,
I don’t need my mind,
To give me additional negativity,

I just try to be with whatever is,
And of course,
RECOGNIZE,
If I’m ever reacting in a way that’s making it worse,

Yet too often,
My unawareness,
Makes it worse..,

Of course,
I try to just witness,
And let settle,
And/or dissipate,
Tense resistance,
While therefore remaining on a path of,
Peaceful persistence

I feel,
I usually,
Receive what is harmful,

For example,
I may not handle meanness from others in the safest and most practical ways,
Yet I feel,
I emanate kindness,
And so often mind my own damn business,

Yet it’s most of the time (if not always) others who create and first start to spread the meanness..,

Yes,
I may be criticized for not handling it properly,
I may be criticized by “worsening” the situation,
Such as by unconsciously exacerbating the mean energy chain reaction..,
Since I have a history of people being mean to me,
Hence,
Even slight meanness,
May cause a troubling emotional reaction in me that may come out externally..,

And well,
I must clear,
The fear,
The anger,
The feelings of inferiority that limit me..,

And well,
I painfully struggle,
Constantly..,

Essentially,
I must inwardly clear any feelings that are damaging for me,
So I can have inner clearness to open to feelings,
That are instead beneficial for me..,

And yes..,
I may deeply understand what it means to have inner peaceful clearness,
Including remaining peaceful and not reacting to others who act mean and hurtful..,
Yet..,
When I fail to respond and remain as peaceful as I believe I must be,
I may feel additionally LESS peaceful by additional bad energy,
Such as (therefore) self-critical energy,

And essentially,
Negativity in response to negativity,
Just seems to create more negativity,
..,
So,
Whatever the reality,
No matter how mean others are to me,
Even if there’s a part of myself that’s additionally hard on me,
Well,
I’d say the more I detach from any of those and/or any types of destructive energy currents,
The more inner clear peace I’ll more likely develop and sustain within,
The more clear I’ll be,
To be less weighed down and have more inner strength,
For whatever it may be,

?

And I guess this comes back,
To my belief,
In not drowning,
In not getting lost in toxic energy,

I guess this is therefore,
(For me especially),
Another important reminder,
To develop myself,
As,
An inner,
Peaceful,
Warrior,

AHHHHHH!!
I gotta re-access my VIKING SPIRIT!!!!

LET’S GET IT!!!

Is “honoring” largely an ego thing?

I’ll say it’s a broad term..(?),

Yes,
I try to honor practical commitments,

Yet if I “dishonored” someone,
Did I hurt something important?
Or their insatiable insecure ego?
I guess I may never totally know?

And well,
I don’t know who all my ancestors were?
I have no idea..?

Yet,
Assuming at least some were Vikings?
Well..,
As for a peaceful,
Yet,
Viking spirit,
I would say I LACK IT,

If my ancestors were to come see me,
Well,
They just may be like..,
“Are you kidding me!!?”,

?

Well,
As I made so much posts about..,
I evidently..,
Started a certain way,
Developed a certain way..,
I still struggle a certain way,
Practically everyday..,

And I don’t mean to negatively assume about whoever may view me,
Ancestors or whoever,

Yet,
If I want that peaceful,
Strong,
Viking spirit,
Then,
I can NOT be getting immensely held back,
By what anyone thinks,

I need to live free,
And not get derailed,
Nor drained of spirit,
By what anyone thinks,

Instead of living for their expectations,
I need to find true inner freedom,

Instead of trying to be the way they may see me,
I must find and develop the strength in me,
That is NOT weighed down by any other ego’s opinions of me,

And well,
That’s essential,
For a Viking spirit,
As for one way that I’d put it,

And to whoever does not like it..,

FUCK YOU!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I’m feeling distracted..,
So even if there’s typos and/or whatever I didn’t mean to say..,
Well..,
Just thought I’d post this:

I perpetually fail at conforming,
Then,
I perpetually wind up back in isolation,
Then,
While isolated in my efforts..,
I perpetually struggle then get discouraged at properly meditating,
Then my inner pain begins worsening,
Causing my desire for more self-medicating increasing..,

Ohhh it’s so hard for me,
To be chill internally,
In a way that’s healthy,
Without developing a damaging dependency,
On some external entity,
Such as a prescribed or recreational medication,
Huhh..,
Why can’t I just chill,
In my natural state and situation!!?
Why does my mind,
Always have to get me deeper and deeper in inner pain!!?
Huhh..,
I just wish to chill..,

Okay..,
So then,
I medicate my emotions in a more relaxed direction,
Then,
When I sober up,
They eventually swing back even harder in another direction,
Causing deeper sadness among any more painful emotions that are deeper and more painful than the previous time I was sober,
Causing a greater desire to self-medicate into that peaceful state even harder,
Causing a greater and greater emotional dependency,
A shorter and shorter life expectancy,

And well,
I just wish that others would more often include me,
I wish being chill while sober came far easier,

I wish inner peaceful cultivation,
To block out that brutal inner tension,
More easily went,
In a far more self-beneficial direction,

If I stay STRONG and clear the tension,
Well..,
I just may increase my life expectancy..(?),
Yet I happen to fail repeatedly..,

And well,
I just hope I sustain NEEDED inner development,
Such as for a longer and more meaningful survival,
So of course..,
I hope finding inner peace in a healthy developmental way,
Becomes more,
And more,
Tolerable,
Manageable..,

I just NEED doing what’s practical,
To feel less painful,
..,
I hope to let go more and more of my past,
Clear and avoid more and more worsening painful feelings,
Including bad memories with others that have been festering,
Including healing whatever has been inwardly exacerbating,
And as for the figure(s) of speech(?),
Hopefully the toxic snowball(s) will STOP growing and START melting..,

Yet,
Speaking for myself especially..,
Inner peace,
Meditation,
Or however I see fit,
To meet foundational survival needs such as conscious awareness inner development,
Must remain as one of my deepest,
Most important,
Sufficiently consistent,
Ongoing,

Commitments

Even if my negative assumptions are right,
Why add more negativity?
That’ll deprive me of more needed energy,

Even if I’m right,
Why respond with more anger and fear?
Why handle it in a way that’s NOT right..?

Why not reduce inner tense resistance?
Why not surrender to what I can NOT change?
Why not develop inner peaceful,
Emotionally stable,
Acceptance?

Yes,
Even if I’m “right”,
Well..,
I still must remind myself to respond in a way,
I see,
As right,

Or especially,
As,

Needed,

No matter how much I’m right

(Apparently there was a play titled “Shit in the Shit Hole” (?) which I wasn’t aware of prior to thinking of this title.., Anyway, hope there’s no plagiarism issues..(?))

I’m going to try to be reasonably literal,
And well,
I feel it takes more strength,
To be true to ourselves,
To be a kind and compassionate person,
While also,
Pursuing a career,

I feel it takes more strength,
To become successful,
To be kind,
Instead of conforming to the mainstream mentality,
Of being an ass,
A scumbag,
Of being another shit in the shithole,

I feel,
It’s far easier to work on ourselves externally,
And not regard anything inwardly,
Yet (I feel) if we do NOT address our inner energy,
Well..,
We may just become more and more filled with toxic ego energy,
And we may just become another shit in the shithole,
Completely,
?

Even though doing what’s true to us,
May be better for us..(?),
Well..,
(I feel),
It ain’t easy,
..,
It’s easier to conveniently conform to the mainstream shithole mentality..,
And well..,

It just may all fall apart eventually,
?

Unless,

Enough of us,

Find the strength to not perpetuate,
This destructive mentality,

I guess(?) since I can NOT control my surroundings..,
Including those I can NOT avoid being surrounded by..,
Well..,
The best I can do,
Is stay true,
To what I view as most practical and self-beneficial..,
Instead of being another shit in the shithole,

Because in my heart,
That would create,
Just another,
Wider,
Deeper,
Hole

(Source: Inspired by: The Pink Floyd song “Another Brick in the Wall” https://youtu.be/5IpYOF4Hi6Q)

Aside from the fact that I do NOT believe in stereotypes,
I feel that:

I guess it just happens(?),
That in many essential work environments,
Such as construction(?),

Yes..,
I may find many who are..,
Not obsessively PC,
Yet the complete opposite of PC (including the opposite of anxious OCD like how I’m over-explaining here..),
Yet,
Many,
(For example),
May just joke in ways,
That especially on bad days,
May,
Hurt me?

And well,
As for any job,
I feel the better the energy,
The better the efficiency,
And essentially..,
The better the overall work gets done,

Even though it just happens to be certain ways,
Well,
Can we work,
In,
Better ways?

?

Just thought I’d ask,
Since I’d guess(?),
Truly,
We’d all prefer,
To feel,
To function,

Better

?