If someone offers to help me,
I can NOT really tell their intentions completely(?)

Like are they asking,
How can I help you become more the way I see?
Or..,
What feels truest to you?
And what do you believe I can do to help you?

So do they want to help me by offering to meet MORE of THEIR expectations of me?
Or do they want to help me more deeply utilize,
The opportunities many of us may have (externally),
To different degrees,
Regarding being FREE?
Do they want to find and join me in a seemingly viable effort to experience life far more profoundly meaningfully?

Yes I would say internally we may be able to increase a type of freedom from painful emotions,
If we learned a proper technique properly..?

Yet as for those who offer to “help” me,
What are they really asking?
Are they looking to help me in ways that’ll give them a sense of control over me?
(Maybe that they don’t see(?)),
Are they..,
Looking to really be there for me?
Are they looking for an opportunity to be mean to me by criticizing me when I struggle to be perfect (in order to feel better and try making up for their own insecurity)?
What are they really offering me?

And if I openly question their intent,
They may be like(?)..,
“Why can’t you just fucking do it!!?”
Or..,
“Fuck it!!”
Or..,
“Oh I tried to help and you just couldn’t!!”,
Or..,
“I tried so hard to be there for you and out of nowhere you say I ‘treat you like shit!!’”
And what would their responses say about their initial intentions?
If they really wanted to help me,
And if I questioned them,
Would they have really responded as aggressively if they REALLY wanted to help me?
Such as developing more inner peaceful likable energy?
..,
Yes those were hypothetical examples,
(Yet not to far off from what I often feel to be reality..),
Of course I’d say another could be trying to excuse verbal abuse as “trying to help me”,
Such as shouting advice at me..,
Such as yelling orders for me..,
And I have to ask..,
How is aggressive energy going to help clear the inner toxic energy that weighs me down?
How is aggressive energy going to help develop the inner peace I need to have the strength to “succeed”?

Yet..,
Is their inner place of offering help to me,
Really going to help me?

Well..,
I guess,
As for whoever it may be,
Who offers to try to help me,
I shall continue,
To see

??

(Re-posted)

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have tried to leave sooner,
I would have addressed the situation clearer,
I would have tried to find something that just felt to help me more..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT have succumbed to the beliefs they forced on me,
I would have NOT unquestionably,
Blindly did what they ordered of me,
In order to merely become friends with them,
I would’ve INSTEAD stuck with what felt more true to ME,
Instead of just doing what THEY saw in me,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have kept my distance,
Ohh how I could have avoided,
And learned so much more,
And be functioning so much clearer and coherently,
..,
Oh if I foresaw all this,
How I just may have avoided,
So..,
So much of this,
Harmfulness,
And/or,
Whichever term(s),
In whichever order(s),
May more clearly,
Express,
This..,
??
Oh..,
If I knew..,
If I just knew it would come to this..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER seeked their honesty,
If I knew that it would come to a place that would further damage me..,
If I knew they had no important honest truths that could’ve helped me and them evidently,
Such as peaceful energy,

If I knew It would come to This,
I never would have went to them for support,
If I knew they would NOT want to identify the causes,
And instead just prefer CRITICIZING me for outcomes of my efforts while they remained emotionally distant,
Such as indicating how my behavior has been appearing “disturbing”,
Instead of offering any emotional understanding,
And step by step HOW TO suggestions as for healing,
And ALSO joining me in efforts for their own well-being,
Such as by increasing the likelihood of deepened friendship building..,
And well..,
If I knew it would come to this,
I would NOT have boarded a friendship,
That I knew would end up sinking..,
So now,
I just gotta,
Keep swimming,
..,
And sometimes when I lose energy,
And/or proper technique,
I’ll become desperate for help,
And will become emotionally dependent on more who remain emotionally distant..,
And,
If,
I end up feeling like the only one there for me has been too frequently emotionally distant..,
I would say emotional/social “Stockholm Syndrome” may be a way to describe it..?
Oh how it’s felt hard finding a good fit..,
Oh if I knew I may have become harmfully dependent..,
Oh how I would have instead avoided so,
So much of all that..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER tried as hard to please them,
Especially if I knew,
That it would always result in some new,
Way,
That they’d,
Hurtfully,
Damagingly,
Criticize me,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have never tried as hard to conform to their expectations,
If I predicted that they’d have totally unexpected expectations..,
If I predicted they’d respond with advice and criticism,
Instead of being there for me,
How I needed it empathically,
Which may have really helped me find the inner strength I needed,
To fulfill more of my responsibility,
Including accessing and emanating more,
Helpful,
Social,
Peaceful energy,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would’ve avoided them,
If I knew that when I was struggling,
That the way they’d respond,
Would just increase confusion and suffering,
Oh if I knew they’d offer me nothing,

If I knew It would come to This,
Instead of just trying to please them,
By going against what I feel,
To please their insatiable egos by saying I was “wrong”,
Well,
Instead,
I just may have initially chose another path to travel along..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT have chose to go along with them,
As they’d truthfully ignore it,
Instead of trying to take a deeper look at the source(s) of it,
In order to prevent all the wasteful pain and bullshit,
..,
As for my beliefs,
Instead of trying to please,
I would have tried to remain in alignment,
In viable ways I saw as fit,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have known that,
Just like they do “NOT need me”,
That I would have done,
So much better,
WITHOUT them,
Probably to a more,
NEEDED,
Degree..,

If I knew It would come to This,
Although some may have sometimes been there,
I guess(?),
I would NOT have reached out,
If I knew they’d so often be elsewhere,
Even as for moments in which they’ve been there..,
Oh if I could see,
More clearly,
That they were filled with so much emotions,
That wanted to remain and increase distance,
From,
My,
Beingness,
Oh if I could have saw that it would come to this,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have put an end to that,
I would have got myself out of that,
Of course I never would have went along with that..,
Especially if I could more clearly see ahead of me,
That it was going to become like that,
That it was going to turn me into that..,
That it was going to fill me with so much inner insecure overcast energy,
That would then cause me to miss out on so much I could have been appreciating,
Including,
What I could have been doing and experiencing,
Especially,
If I knew,
A better way,
How to truly experience clearly..,
And if I could see what my future would do to me,
If I went another way,
As for so much of them,
I CERTAINLY,
Would have stayed away,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have stayed away completely,
If I had known they’d try to handle their insecurity,
By selfishly messing around,
With,
My,
Autistic,
Neurodivergent,
Hard to manage..,
Energy..,
Oh I would have tried to stay away completely,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER tried to be the conscious,
Kind and thoughtful person I feel to have been,
If I knew,
They’d take NOTHING I tried so hard to offer into consideration..,
Welp..,
Guess I’ll have to try to find more people who are MORE helpfully present(?),
LESS emotionally distant,
And want to engage in LESS toxic bullshit..,
And instead,
Accompany me in my efforts,
Of viable,
Inner development(?),
Instead of just cruelly dismissing all of it..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I NEVER would have reached out to them,
If I knew they were mostly going to DISMISS me,
If I knew they were going to challenge me,
If I knew they were going to GASLIGHT me,
Oh if I knew,
I would have,
Avoided them COMPLETELY,

If I knew It would come to This,
I NEVER would have worked there,
If I knew that I would get in trouble for (even to a slight (or less) degree),
When RARELY..,
Talking to customers the way they would talk to me,
..,
Huhh..,
I now struggle to be a (as they say) “straight-up” guy,
And I try to the best and safest of my ability (based on how I see),
I believe,
In civilized society (yes),
Yet,
I ALSO believe to safely advocate for myself,
And find the environment that is a sufficiently MORE compatible fit,
And since I feel to have received from others,
Lots of pointless cruel bullshit,
I just had enough of it,
So I’d say..,
To put it (I guess(?)) more expressively (angrily(?)) bluntly(?)..,
To paraphrase the quote,
Well,
I believe to live as free as I can,
Until I die,
..,
I’ll just try to remain sane,
peaceful,
safe and strong as that straight-up guy,
..,
And of course,
Regardless of how the external treats me(?),
Although I can,
Well..,
It’s just been a struggle to discover,
Build and sustain,
That inner peace in me..,
Oh if I would have known how they all would have really been towards me..,
Oh if I had known initially,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NOT let them shut me down,
And I would have,
NOT put up with any of that..,
Ohhh..,
If I only would have known it would come to that..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT have tried to join that team,
And instead would have tried to follow,
A more practical,
Compatible,
Dream,
Or how about (as I may also figuratively say(?)),
I just may also have instead (after jumping in) been “flowing down a more ‘gentle’ stream”(?),
And regardless of what is the best,
Deepest,
Fancy helpful metaphor(?),
Well,
I’d say I trust that many of you,
Or however many,
Can,
Sufficiently helpfully,
Empathetically,
Understand me,
Regardless of whatever happens to be the reality(?),

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT,
Have continued to put up with that,
And..,
Must I continue with this..?
Okay..,
I’ll add this:

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have not joined those,
Who just talk a lot about having good spirit,
Yet who actually (as I feel) lack it,
Such as getting mad at me,
INSTEAD of having the spirit to accept and help me,
When I’m struggling in spirit(s)..,
Oh..,
If I only could see that it would come to that..,
And,
It would’ve (I’d say) helped me out,
If I just,
Knew how to better avoid so much more,
If not all,
Of that..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have spent more time around those who could’ve helped join me in a VIABLE inner development effort,
Instead of hanging around the type of crowd who constantly (however directly and/or indirectly) would blame me for “killin’ the vibe”,
And therefore NOT working on themselves (for whatever reason(s)) internally and unfortunately immensely blaming the external for their bad feelings..,
And sometimes I just FAIL to avoid WORKING with those types of people..,
Oh what a struggle..,
And..,
Yes..,
I know (as I feel to believe) the external is (often) challenging and (according to me) feelings do NOT (often) change instantly,
Yet,
I feel we do NOT get to any inner source(s) that need healing,
Merely by complaining,
Wining,
And/or however negatively blaming our external surroundings (including others like myself),
And therefore I feel that,
No matter how much we are a victim in reality..,
Well..,
A victim mentality,
Traps us more deeply in painful negativity,
..,
I feel that it,
Does NOT help us emotionally (and does NOT however inwardly) heal,
and,
(I guess therefore(?)),
Does NOT help us develop strength inwardly,
And therefore only (and/or mostly) adds more harmful NEGATIVITY,
Which worsens our reality..,
Which depletes our inner strength and makes us more likely to be a vulnerable victim again,
Especially since (I feel) that inner negativity takes away from our strength to survive in a brutal and judgmental society(?),
And as for a suggestion,
Well,
I guess(?) we can start by noticing our breath and cultivating peaceful inner acceptance (of what we can NOT change) as for part of and/or one of my opinions..,
?

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER let them do what they did to me,
ESPECIALLY..,
If I knew they would end up,
Forever leaving,
Forever ghosting me..,
Oh I thought they’d never deliberately do this..,
Oh how if I’d known it would come to this,
Oh how I wish I was more AWARE of the likelihood of all this..,
Huhhhhhh..,

If I knew It would come to This..,
Ohhh,
How I would have done so,
So much,
To prevent experiencing all this damaging painfulness!!
Oh if I only knew they were going to hurt and cut me off like this!!
Oh if I knew they were NO less mainstream,
Than those who previously rejected me..,
Oh if I only admitted it to myself!!
That they were just like the rest of them!!
DAMN!!!

If I knew It would come to This,
If I knew their intricate difference(s),
In so many ways,
Was just NO different,
In so many..,
Damaging ways..,
Huhh,
If I just could more clearly have spotted,
All this!!

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER enrolled in that,
I would have NEVER,
Signed up,
For any of that,
Oh if I only would have known it would come to all that,

If I knew It would come to This,
I INSTEAD would have decided this..,
And all of that,
And,
WOW,
How,
UNaware,
I was,
Of all this,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER took the “support” they (or the few of them) offered me,
If I knew that meant they’d just respond to my text messages,
Very RARELY,
And/or incredibly BRIEFLY..,
Huhhh..,
Oh the IRONY..,
Oh how they FOOLED me..,
Man..,
And how I tried to offer,
To,
In RETURN be there,
And sometimes (such as with developing true conscious understanding),
Yet I wish,
That there was more here,
For me..,
That they’d been able to reciprocate with,
Evidently..,
Ohhhhhhh..,
If I only knew..,

If I knew It would come to This,
Although (as I believe) I did NOT choose to have autism,
Well..,
I would have chose another life,
In a more,
Compatible,
Culture,
System,
Of systems..,
..,
Yet..,
I’d say I,
Just gotta keep at it..,
Aside from however else I (and/or whoever else) can just keep explaining it,

If I knew It would come to This,
And if I could choose,
I would have chose,
A different life experience,

If I knew It would come to This,
Presence,
I would say,
That I’m continuing my best way,
To live a new,
Different,
More present life,
In,
This life,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have chose,
To think less excessively,
And more clearly,
And I would have chose,
To remind myself,
To stay,
More true to me,
And live my life,
More of the way,
That I,
See,
..,
Of course,
If I knew it would come to this,
Evidently,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NEVER have opened up to them,
I would have NEVER expressed and I would have NEVER shared how I felt with them,
If I had known they’d respond like that,
Oh if I had only known,
That it would end up,
Like that,

If I knew It would come to This,
I guess,
I must’ve,
Just,
Witnessed,
And consciously removed myself,
Instead of becoming lost,
In all of this,
..,
If I knew,
That it would come,
To,
This,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have chose,
To go down more suitable paths,
Leading to more,
Real,
Positivity,
And,
Peacefulness..,
Oh if I had known that it INSTEAD could have been this

I feel:

I TOTALLY agree,
That it’s “not just about me”,

I know I’m equally responsible,
And due to my labels I may struggle,
Yet I can NOT be around those,
Who take my bad moments as an opportunity to tell me (stuff such as) that I bring “nothing to the table”,

I try to be “neurotypical”,
I try to go with the flow,
And please others,
And when I may struggle,
When my past trauma might cause some drama,
I’m criticized,
Just criticized for my failures,
And many do NOT offer to join me in efforts,
That’ll (as I believe) ALL help us do better,

Of course,
Although what works for me may not be for everybody(?),
Yet I’m like “how about meditation”,
And some just want to keep getting high off of some type of medication,

And I’ll offer to take a look at a situation,
And have compassionate communication,
And when I have moments that are not perfect,
Many other egos choose to immensely focus on it..,
That just ends up in making me feel bad about it,
Instead of offering helpful suggestions on what to do about it,
Many just want to criticize and have nothing to do about it..,

Well,
As for friends,
I need to be around those who be there for me,
Instead of those who just criticize and abandon me,
When I may not be exuding perfect positivity..,

I need to be around those,
Who also,
Want to look deeply,
And not just try to make up for their own insecurity,
By making me feel bad,
When I don’t peacefully socialize perfectly,

So instead of being told,
“You make others not want to be around you”,
I feel it’ll help me more,
If they would compassionately understand why I struggle the way I do,

I know everyone’s got a struggle,
I know,
Everyone’s got a history,
That may have affected themselves differently,

I know I have equal accountability,

I know everyone must “bring something to the table”,
And I wish I never got bullied,
I wish I never struggled with autism,
I wish characteristics of my label(s) did NOT cause me to be socially NON-likeable,
I wish people were less hurtfully critical and judgmental,
I wish they’d join me in viable,
Inner development efforts,
That may,
For all of us,
Be helpful?

And as for all I struggle to,
“Bring to the table”,
Well,
In some way,
I must say,
I hope my writing has,
At least somewhat,
Been helpful

?

To try be honest and kind (at the same time),
To kindly keep it real in order to help and heal..,
Okay well..,
I often feel:

Some people do NOT want an explanation,
Yet as for me,
I try to consciously understand a situation,
In order to learn how to prevent another painful altercation,
Or how to prevent,
Whatever avoidable unfortunate situation,

Some people want convenient simplification,
Some people want me to tell them how I was “wrong”,
Instead of taking a deeper look at the situation,
To more deeply understand,
And to more deeply prevent,
What went wrong,
From happening again,

As for me,
I always try to,
Keep,
Taking a look,
At how to truly improve,
Any experience,
Any situation,
Any passing functions,
And/or sensations,

As for my explanations,
I feel I have,
Practical,
Understandable intentions,

Aside from whatever reasons..,
Well..,
I just may (try to) offer,
An explanation,
For more,
Deeper understanding,
As for how we,
Can TRULY,
Function,

So essentially..,
Yes,
As for my explanations,
I try to have,
Good,
Intentions..,

I just wish people could be kind,
I just wish people could check in with each other,
So stuff does not painfully build and burst,
So stuff does not explode,
So we may carry LESS of an inner painful load in addition to whichever other loads(?),
So we may carry LESS inner weight in addition to any other weight(?)..,

Oh how I wish,
We can all truly discover,
How it can really be better,
If not great..,

Who really wants to hate?
Who really does not want to peacefully relate?
..,
Truthfully,
I would say the deeper part(s) of everybody,
Wants peace,
Wants to chill,
Who really wants to hate and kill?
Who really wants to get dependent on harmful pills?
And oh I would agree,
That it may make so many become crazy due to not knowing how to inwardly peacefully respond to the frequent battle up the hills(?),
Yes many may hit an emotional breaking point and forget how to chill..(?)
Yet,
Ideally,
I would guess that all of us,
Want to chill,

I would guess,
Even that it may be hard(?),
That all of us,
Prefer,

Peacefulness

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005) page 77 (no particular citation format))

Some people may feel,
And tell me,
That I “make people NOT want to hang out with me”,

While offering no suggestions on HOW to feel and act differently,
They just criticize me,
They just expect me to remain positive in environments that trigger me,
In environments that hurt me,

They just expect me to eradicate my truth completely..,
They want me to be more peaceful,
Yet they just do NOT see,
How so much of their nasty energy,
Just makes stuff..,
So much harder for me

I may have memories of being bullied remaining in me,
Trauma that I struggle to control daily,
Which causes me to kill the vibe,
And then causes others to not want to be around me,
Increasingly..,

Then I feel that pain in isolation,
Then take out my anger on social media,
Then others who see me,
Get even more scared and then want even MORE distance from me,
..,
And that INCREASING distance,
Often makes me even MORE sad,
Angry and crazy,

So yes,
As others become more distant,
I become more crazy,
And as my craziness increases,
Their avoidance increases,
Causing an increase in my craziness,
And an increase in others becoming scared of me..,
And of course an increase in painful loneliness builds in me,
Causing me to act (or appear) even more crazy,
And others wanting to even MORE avoid me..,
(As I’m trying to emphasize deeply..),

So yes,
As for finding out HOW,
To be more chill,
And not kill,
The “vibe”,
..,

Well,
Guess(?) I can remind myself,
To do my best,
To come back to my inner body,
So I reduce the craziness,
And so others may see that,
Yes,
I also want fun social interaction peaceful appreciation,

Ohhhh,
How it’s been a challenge,
To manage,
In isolation

If I’m just “neck up”,
Will I blow up?

If I’m just “neck up”,
What will happen to me?
If my innate and exacerbated hyper-alert emotional energy grows in me?
Will it (somehow) DESTROY me?
Will I ALWAYS be able to SUPPRESS the increasing pain in me just perfectly so I can conform to the mainstream way(s) of handling ourselves,
Or I guess “staying strong” internally?
I’m NOT even sure if many will truly understand me..(?),
Especially since (I feel) they’ll just remain “neck up” perpetually.. oh I like this “neck up” phrase my therapist helped inform me (among other stuff) of..,
Although I do NOT like the reality (I feel) it reminds me of..,
Huhh..,
Will it safely work for someone like me?
To (try to) somewhat (in my own way) use a Pink Floyd metaphor..,
Will I become just another MAINSTREAM “brick in the wall”,
That fits in and hardens just perfectly(?),
In alignment with the other “bricks” precisely?
..,
Oh Roger Waters although sides of me may side with you politically(?),
Although I just may deeply remember seeing you perform in (the presently named “‘MVP’ Arena” in..) Albany..,
Would you understand how it’s been hard for an autistic person with experiences like me..?
(And as you, or whoever may agree(?).., NOT all “autists” (you can look up the term on Urban Dictionary(?)) are the same EVIDENTLY.. US “autists” are DIFFERENT from each other AS WELL),
Huhh..,
Will I be able to remain as “hard as a brick”?
With no emotions,
Or perfectly permanently suppressed emotions?
And regardless..,
Would my deeper awareness deeply prefer this?
And yes..,
I’d say Roger Waters would NOT (either)..,
And I know I can NOT speak for him among any others (either)..,
..,
And IF the metaphor I’m trying to use is regarded as “plagiarism”..,
Well..,
For one,
Is creativity about sharing or the EGO?
I’d say we do NOT want to be another unconscious egotistic “brick in the wall”,
And two,
And regardless of all else..,
If there’s just nothing I can do..,
Well..,
Yes if I would get in trouble for making money off of this then yes you (whoever that may be) may disregard this stanza(?),
Yet I’ll add that evidently,
Even when I try to remain as a “brick in the wall”,
I either,
Do NOT fit in,
I either,
(Or “and/or”),
Fall out..,
And/or it however just does not end up,
Working out..,
(Okay here’s a link (if it is and remains as the right one) and I’ll just try to NOT get derailed by what Roger Waters and/or whoever else may think(?).., and of course SPOILER ALERT: https://youtu.be/axWVMr-RpMM),
………,

If I’m just “neck up”,
Will it harm me physiologically?
Will the anger?
Will the stress?
That I fail to heal,
Kill me more instantly?
To be real..,
Whether that’s just from the “neck up”,
Or from a deeper,
REALER,
More peaceful,
Place,

If I’m just “neck up”,
If I do NOT check in to how I feel within..,
Especially in the incompatible system(s) I often feel trapped in..,
What will it do to me?
If I do NOT check in within,
Below the neck,
Seriously!?
..,
And how will it MOSTLY affect me(?),
If I’m ALONE in my efforts repeatedly!!?
..,
How will it affect me(?),
If those who appear to be “like-minded”,
End up being more like-a-cult in REALITY..,
Ohhh..,
Where are those who can TRULY be there for me..,
??
And no..,
I do NOT feel the answer is just the “Sierra Club”,
Nor just some bird watching community..,
I do NOT mean to just throw away the possibility..,
Yet..,
Even among those,
Who may just be nicer to me..,
Too many (as I feel) only see from the “neck up”,
Sadly..,
And no matter how wrong and/or right I may be(?)..,
Well,
I feel I just have to express how I feel,
HONESTLY..,
..,
Yet I’m sure many will just have more and more unasked-for advice to give me..,
And their advice may(?) just come from the “neck up”,
Sadly..,

If I’m just “neck up”,
Will I express myself to the guy whose jokes offended me?
Causing me to become more PHYSICALLY neck up?
(After attacking me due to him getting offended by me getting offended by his jokes (and/or whatever else regardless of true intent..)),
Or just head up and more LITERALLY and PHYSICALLY paralyzed below any of that??
..,
I’ll have more conditions in addition to the autism..,
In addition to WHATEVER else..,
Huhh..,
My mind keeps making feel,
As if I..,
Just can NOT stop f*cking up,
..,
And maybe it’s time,
Paralyzed or not,
To look more deeply,
Than my,
(as they say(?)) “neck up”,
???

If I’m just “neck up”,
I feel that my OCD,
Will interfere with my written creativity,
Such as by obsessively feeling a need to title a new post (kinda (or mostly) how this one began) called and/or including the saying “neck up”,
INSTEAD of really sharing how I feel to be interpreting,
In my body BELOW my neck,
And therefore from a deeper place of experiencing,
Intended to (hopefully) help with just about anything,
Including inner/external organized efficiency increasing,

If I’m just “neck up”,
Well,
I would say that it would be quite damaging,
And/or OF COURSE limiting,
To whatever I’m presently experiencing,

If I’m just “neck up”,
Well,
I would say,
That just also may,
Severely SCREW me up(!?)..,
So as for,
Being deeper “in my body”,
Even though for someone like me it may not come AS easy..(?),
Well I feel I must keep at it repeatedly..,
So yeah,
As for being less “neck up”,
And more deeply in my body,
I feel I’m more likely to be overall,
And/or presently rewarded if I,
Do NOT,
Give up,

If I’m just “neck up”,
And if I realize this,
Well,
I’ll try to keep my head up,
And go to a deeper place,
To hopefully,
Attain LESS damaging pain yet,
MORE,
Deeper appreciation,
Of whatever happens to be my inner sensations,
Regardless of any,
Surrounding unavoidable situations,
So yes,
I think it’s in more of my present-self-manifestation-internal interests,
To inwardly build myself up,
FAR below just the,
“Neck up”

Aside from all other ways people may be struggling,
To be real,
I feel,
That they may NEVER know,
That they are SO,
LUCKY,
That they are NOT neurodivergent like me,
Or should I title this “autistic like me”,
Or “obsessive compulsive like me”,
Ya see!!?

Huhh..,
How can I put this..,
Most peacefully,
And/or..,
Most..,
cogent,
potent,
Concise,
Conscious and nicely..,
??

Oh how it can always be better,
And just remains..,
Never good enough..,
And sometimes feels,
So,
DAMN,

ROUGH..,

Huhh..,
As for those who may read my writing and STILL NOT see,
Well..,
I just have to say,
That even though they may have VERY painful struggles in a different way..,
They are so lucky that on top of ALL that,
They are NOT,
Neurodivergent like me..,

Oh if they could only see,
That I ALSO..,
Do NOT have it easy..,

And..,
Man..,
In all the different “alternative”,
Environments,
That still feel too incompatible,
..,
Even those who I just can NOT feel to relate with who have been given the same labels..,

Well..,

I also,
Have a struggle..,

Huhhh..,

Aside from all the,
(As for example(s)),
Figures of speech,
Fancy rhymes,
And deep,
Awesome,
Gnarly ways to express myself..,

It just ALSO remains hard,
At remaining as,
Myself,

Huhh

I’d say that I made it clear more than once previously,
That as for experiencing a painful form of struggle(s),
It’s NOT only me,

Yet still,
Aside from my belief(s) that,
Inner development,
Such as processing,
(Or whatever else),
Can help anybody wherever they’re at,
Aside from my belief(s) in the possibility of infinite improvement,

Well,
I just wish,
That inner development,
Felt to come easier,

As for processing,
I wish it felt,
Less grueling,

If I’m accurately describing(??)..,

As for me,
Speaking for my experience(s),
I wish my experience(s),
As for trying to develop,
Cultivate and experience,
More peace,
Felt more peaceful,

To be more (as they say) “straight to the point”,
(For me),
I wish that,
Trying to find peace,
In an overall HEALTHY way,
Felt more peaceful,

And even though I may have assumptions,
That cause me to get jealous of those who appear more self-sustaining,
More well-adjusted,
Without seeming to need to try as hard as for inwardly processing and/or however inwardly developing themselves..,

???

Well,
I’d say,
I can NOT totally know what they’re carrying,
I can NOT totally know how hard they’re trying,
..,
And even if they may be financially adjusted,
I just can NOT know..,

How much they truly are,

Adjusted,

However adjusted they appear,
I feel,
It’s just never fully clear..,

However adjusted they appear,
I just can NOT ever,
Be fully certain,
Of whatever there is infinitely to discover,
That they may however be inwardly,
Or whatever they’re experiencing,
That I do NOT see,

And since I feel that this is true of everybody,
Well..,
As for whoever somehow notices me,
I’d say it is therefore,
Also true,
For me,

And as for judging those based on how they appear,
I’d say,
A lot (if not all) of us,
Can use a reminder,
That..,
Well..,
Regardless of however clear,
We may feel,
Well,
I guess we can never be totally clear

?

I feel that:

For one..,
Just because someone may (possibly),
Be able to deeply analyze and understand deep truths,
Does NOT mean they have adequate teaching experiences,
Such as a teacher they may NOT be able to remain as peaceful as the peace they just might be trying to grow,
In their students,
And they just may,
“Know”..,
Yet not be ABLE to,
Be present,
Including..,
The way(s) they may however tend to analyze about it..,
??

And maybe this other thing is also NOT exactly relevant?
Yet..,
I wanted to also share that,
Sometimes my ego wants to validate itself by..,
Trying to see,
How much pain it can sustain,
And I therefore add excessive pain,
Instead of..,
Returning to inwardly cultivating,
That inner peaceful warrior spirit,
Which I feel is MORE what I need,
To become more and more fit..,
..,
And as for another way I guess I can put it(?),
Is to simply,
Avoid becoming sucked in,
To that pain feeding energy..,
..,
Yet I remain to struggle with consistency..,
Yet although when I truly return to my (as I think they say) “inner body”,
Oh how I feel the power growing in me,
..,
And I’d say these states of awareness may come and go,
And regardless,
I try NOT to add inner tense resistance,
And instead,
I try to mostly,
Witness,

And as for those who trigger me,
Instead of increasing my distance from,
How about I travel,
To see,
Learn and understand where they’re coming from,
??
So I (more likely) develop,
Open understanding,
And yes I definitely agree it’s very hard..,
NOT easy..,
And of course if I’m not prepared to receive a type of energy,
I’ll try to respond to the energy,
Rationally,
..,
Such as by NOT trying to rationalize,
With a completely different,
Completely DISTANT,
Completely incompatible,
Type of IRRATIONAL,
Energy,

And I also just wanted to include that I presently feel that..,
And include how I initially started off this post,
By starting with my additional present feelings that:

I understand how high-pressured hard working Americans (or whoever) will NOT likely want to spend their free-time around vibe-killing struggling autists like myself unless they want a good laugh or want to blast their insecure pain out at (even if it’s at) the autist’s expense..,
Huhhh..,
As for my “autism spectrum” condition..,
Ohh how it is HARD finding peace within..,

Yeah I understand how they’re not gonna want autists “killin’ the vibe”,
I understand how they need a break,
And just gotta treat me the way they see fit,
No matter the likelihood of that causing me to,
Permanently,
Break..,
Huhh..,
I just gotta keep going on track..,
And if I go too fast..,
Remember that I can safely and steadily apply the breaks..,

Even though,
Aside that I feel many of those “on the spectrum”,
Are quite different..,
And even though my OCD wants me to be grammatically correct (as for this context) instead of saying “ain’t no”..,
Well..,
As for my INDIVIDUAL experience as being labeled “autistic” at age 5 (in addition to “ADHD” and “generalized anxiety disorder” at age 4),
I do NOT feel part of an “US” group..,
No I’m NOT helpfully “proud to be me” and I’m NOT part of some collective ego category..,
(And deep down I would say that NO one is (since I believe we all come from deep life energy (yet I get that’s just me and my beliefs and we all (or many of us (I feel)) have them))),
So I hope it is sufficiently CLEAR what I mean when I say..,
There AIN’T NO US (unless we’re all included) to me..,
..,
And I feel..,
I ain’t anymore compatible with those like me who have the same LABEL..,
I often feel ALONE in my types of struggle(s)..,
..,
And (I feel) even though we all,
May feel ALONE in at least some way(?)..,
Well..,
I feel I just must rediscover that peace to stay on a path that sufficiently helps me through each day..,
So I seek that inner peace,
With the least (as (I think) they say) “price to pay”..,
And I guess you may interpret that in whatever inner peaceful suitable way(s)..?

Sometimes I feel that for me it feels hard accepting,
That I just can NOT get as much as I would like OTHERS to understand..,
To understand,
Huhhh..,
I just have to find that peace in me..,
To keep going..,
And re-discovering,
That peace within..,
In my (sometimes (if not often) opinionated) opinion..,
..,
And maybe my hard opinions (however often) manifest as my ego trying to compensate for insecurity that presently remains in me in order to prove that I’m “right” more than actually doing what I believe to be right..??
Guess it comes back to that inner peace development practice I presently see most fit..?
Riiiiiiiight??
Or no?
Or does “the one who knows ‘does not know’”?
Who said that again?
I forgot and just presently..,
Do not know..,
Yet do I really need,
To know?

(And I know I can always improve this post.., and sometimes it gets rough.. feeling that what I write, and/or however I try to express, is just.. “never good enough”.., anyway..),

Like..,
Is who first said “don’t push the river”,
More important than ACTUALLY living spontaneously without “pushing the river”..?
(AKA not trying too hard nor expecting unreasonably in this case (?))..,
..,
And yes in my opinion it’s about doing it,
NOT who said it..,
NOT about immensely analyzing it,
Because (for example),
That’s often the mind,
And/or may turn into excessive unclear thinking (?),
Instead of deepening our present awareness..?
And if I’m now being a hypocrite by now doing that, well I apologize for my mind as for that..,
?

And as for how this post continued,
I’ll continue by adding that I feel that:
I do believe in preserving history such as for experiencing a greater appreciation and therefore inner sensation(s) as for how lucky we are (that unfortunately my insatiable insecure ego often distracts me from..),
As for how the external present (and/or internal development traditions(?)) came to be(?),
Well..,
Even if it’s my ego (clinging to attachments to feel better),
?
Well..,
I’d still like to track (as much as we can),
As for how we,
Arrived here,

Ayii..,
Maybe I’m rambling again..?
And therefore must come back,
To my focusing on developing inner peace starting from within..,
?

Huhhhh..,

Among all the toxic energy,
That surrounds me,
Even if it’s being directed at me,
Such as others denying the reality of my balls being busted disproportionately,
Such as them getting mad as a result of me being honest about how they treat me..,
Haaa..,
Some compliment me on my memory,
Yet when I try politely being honest about some way they hurt me..,
They challenge me..,
Huhhh..,
Just gotta find how to re-cultivate that peace in me..,
??
..,
And if their intimidating energy,
Prevents me from giving them at least one specific example on the spot..,
Oh how they’ll use it against me..,
And others will view me as crazy..,
Just gotta..,
Rediscover that peace in me..,

Maybe I’ll (also) see teenagers,
Or those far younger than me,
With confidence that I never had at that age,
And/or,
With MORE confidence than me..,
Even if they’re..,
I guess..(?),
10-15 years (or more!) YOUNGER than me (now at) age 27..,
(As of July 31st, 2022),
Oh..,
How I used to get bullied and excluded WAY back then..,
I just,
Feel I must,
Once again..,
Find a way to develop peace within..,

And yes,
I worry about winding up,
In some,
Brutal institution(s),
Or whatever horrifying external location(s),
Largely due to,
Not managing NEEDED inner peace cultivation..,
And therefore cultivating..,
Further delusion..,
Oh how I wish it did NOT feel as hard as it felt to remain for me previously, presently and yes what’s to come for me definitely concerns me,
So I’d say I must once again remember to try the best I can,
To develop that peace,
Within,

Sometimes my (exacerbated/remaining) emotional hyper-alert inner tension,
Additionally interferes with my (as I often feel) innate weaker than average ability at paying attention..,
And sometimes instead of understanding the insights (and/or information) others are sharing..,
Sometimes I just take in the frustration energy they are expressing..,
Such as smart, aware and spot on political (even) membership funded commentators bloviating..,
(Not sure if that was the best example worth using (?) but anyway..),
..,
I feel I,
Just gotta return to that inner peace cultivation..,
So I do NOT get myself in trouble,
Nor get forced or however dependent on harmful medication(s)..,
Oh how there’s always something wrong to go on and on about..,
..,
And in a world with a history,
And warlike energy (to varying literal and figurative extents) present reality(?)..,
If I want to help..,
I’d say I must start..,
By trying to rediscover how to cultivate,
That peace in me,
..,
Especially,
Evidently,
So I’m not LITERALLY somehow destroyed by the surrounding painful energy..,

I feel that,
I must remind myself,
To rediscover that peace in me,
Especially since my (if I used the right words and in a sufficient order to describe this..(?)) innate and exacerbated emotional hyper-alertness,
Can derail me,
Quite easily,

Huhhh..,
I feel,
I can NOT change the others I fail to avoid,
..,
And I just may be more vulnerable,
If and when caught up in a,
Void,
??

And I’m sorry if my victim mentality,
May be adding to that destructive negative energy(?),
Yet..,
I’m just trying to take a clear honest look,
To understand,
Myself,
Honestly..,

Among all that inevitably surrounds me,
Such as people and their insecure mean energy,
That I can NOT change,
I feel I must,
Remind myself,
To rediscover,
Or..,
Re-cultivate,
Or..,
Clear,
That unconscious built up inner tension,
(Such as witnessing the sensations, starting with my natural inhale and exhalations(?)),
So I discover,
And/or develop,
The peace I need,
To keep going,

INSTEAD of being internally triggered and/or weighed down by my surroundings,
I feel I must,
To the best of my present ability,
Remind myself,
Of how to find,
And/or develop,
That inner peace I need,
By starting that development process by witnessing whatever is all (and/or infinitely) that I’m experiencing such as my naturally occurring breathing and/or inner sensations I’m experiencing..,
So yes..,
I guess(?) I can say that one way..,
Is if I can remind myself to see,
What is naturally occurring inwardly..,
Without resisting..,
Yet just witnessing and allowing for settling,
Allowing for tension and inner-tightening due to resisting (such as trying to block out (as for resisting, so NOT trying to create tension by INSTEAD NOT blocking out and therefore consciously noticing is what I’m attempting at sufficiently clearly conveying (just felt a need for clarifying (and sorry if that made it more confusing (?))))) what I’m experiencing (such as pain) reducing..?
And/or cultivating peace by noticing and accepting..?
And I’m sorry if I’m preaching..,
Yet I feel I really NEED reminding..,

To keep going,
In whatever surroundings,

And of course (I feel) there’s always that uncertainty,
Yet,
I feel I must keep trying to cultivate,
And/or find,
That peace in me,
..,
So I remain on a track,
Or path..,
That,
Best suits me,
And of course is the safest and best travel for me,

And even though I feel that I felt my whole life,
That there’s been a recurrence of,
Dark experiences such as repeated failed attempts at socializing and painful rejection(s).. (such as sometimes by many groups and/or cliques at once..)..,
And therefore more attempts at socializing ending up in brutal rejection(s)..,
Well..,
Instead of my mind making me feel bad that I’m a victim..,
Instead of making my victimhood feel additionally worse by NOT addressing YET merely negatively dwelling on it..,
Well,
I guess I can just go back to witnessing,
What I’m presently experiencing,
And just keep on trying,
At accepting,
Whatever appears to be happening,
And letting go of that limiting inner resisting such as tightening and tension building(?),
And notice settling and therefore accepting (as for what I just can NOT change(?))..,
And I hope that did NOT sound too confusing..,

??

Just saying,

Just noticing,

Whatever I’m experiencing,

And trying,

To find,
And/or of course,
Re-cultivate,
Or,
Rediscover,

Peace,

In myself,
In,
Whatever surroundings