My whole life,
I feel that the challenges I always had,
And some in which I may try to share here (or below),
Continue to varying frequencies,
Throughout my life,
And may likely remain similar,
For the rest of my life,
?

My whole life,
I felt most others,
Instead of helping me,
Would impulsively,
Use my weaknesses against me,

My whole life,
I felt I struggled to communicate,
How I felt,
And I felt that others would deal with that,
By responding (or unconsciously reacting) in ways,
(Regardless of their intentions and causes of their intentions..),
That were aggressively mean,
Condescending,
Belittling..,
Emotionally and literally distancing,
Which made me sink even deeper into the immense painful feelings I felt to be by myself grappling with,
And continually also carrying,
Such as while in whatever direction I tried aspiring,

My whole life,
I felt that others would provide me,
Without my permission,
Mean advice, feedback and/or criticism,
Instead of needed compassion,
To help me continue to do,
A lot of what I have been struggling to do,
Such as letting go of my past,
In order for it to decreasingly,
Hold me back,

My whole life,
Others have (often angrily and impatiently),
Told me what to do,
Without telling me HOW to do it,
Nor helpfully empathetically joining with me in my great efforts,
With pursuing it..,
..,
Regardless of whatever they may have truly meant..,
They’d just give me mean unasked-for advice,
Instead of helping me cultivate the strong inner spirit I needed,
And regardless of what they said,
Many would remain emotionally distant,
And would just leave me too it..,
Sometimes (if not often (?)) I’d refer to it as emotional abandonment..,
??
And regardless of their true intent..,
Well,
I feel many of my deep needs,
Went and remained deeply,
Unmet..,
Huhhh,

My whole life,
I have felt incompatible,
And equally incompatible with those who had the same label(s),
On (seemingly) the same part(s) of “the autism spectrum”,
Or whatever neurodivergent “spectrum(s)”..,

My whole life,
I felt the mainstream to NOT be a good fit,
And my whole life,
I viewed many non-mainstream/alternative option environment(s) to be JUST AS BAD (in different ways),
If not..,
WORSE..,
In however and/or who knows what ways..,
??

My whole life,
I struggled to socially fit in,
And I still struggle to manage my emotion(s),
In isolation,
Such as deepening sadness and frustration resulting from experiencing recurring rejection,

My whole life,
(Or most of it),
I felt that many people who act friendly to me,
Do NOT truthfully want to be around me..,
And if they invite me..,
I often feel their egos get a high by stepping on me and feeling a sense of dominance over me..,

My whole life,
I seeked validation,
From those (seemingly) regarded as “neurotypical”,
And therefore without a condition,
That I felt to be harmful,
And,
Incompatible with..,
..,
Yes,
I have often felt INCOMPATIBLE,
With my LABEL(s)..,
Such as it has felt to NOT serve,
Nor provide me with a “like-minded” community of those labeled “like me”,
..,
And I feel since we (those “on the spectrum” like me) may emotionally gravitate away from others..,
We just may also remain EQUALLY distant (if not MORE distant) from each other..?
Regardless..,
As for my whole life..,
I feel to have had a lot I just did NOT prefer..,
And/or,
Of course,
Far WORSE..,

My whole life,
I wanted to feel on the same page,
On the same wavelength,
And/or however in sync..,

My whole life,
I struggled to pay attention,
And that has opened my emotional hyper-awareness,
To absorb others’ mean painful energy..,
That they’d exude when lecturing me,
And/or however being dark and crude to me,
..,
I may have often missed out on what they’re saying,
Yet their dark energy,
I felt to be absorbing,
I felt it to be damaging me,
Continually..,

My whole life,
I excessively worried,
About what I could NOT control,
Such as how others would respond,
And of course,
What they’d think,
And I felt those worrisome thoughts and/or energy have overcasted (in my mind and/or whatever part(s) of my physiology..),
And/or GREATLY inhibited my ability to think clearly..,

My whole life,
I have had similar struggles that would come and go,
And experiences and struggles that I wish others would understand,
Although my whole life,
Even if I could NOT clearly put it into words for others to somewhat understand,
My whole life I have often felt that others,
Would just never seem to really understand..,

My whole life,
I have had recurring moments,
Of wishing for,
Of impatiently waiting for,
Of desperately hoping for,
A different,
Life,
In another life if NOT this life,

My whole life,
I struggled to pay attention,
To what could consciously help me,
Such as reducing inner painful limitation(s),

My whole life,
I have struggled with compassion,
And struggled to understand it..,
And properly inwardly gradually cultivate it,
And I feel that failure and/or unawareness of how to do that,
Has made it so much harder for me to make it through the moment,
Throughout my present life,
..,
And recently I feel to have been obsessively analyzing the present..,
Instead of expanding my awareness to deeply consistently appreciate the present,

My whole life,
I feel to have,
Missed out,
On (a lot of (or most of)) what I could have benefited from,
Throughout my life,
??

My whole life,
My states have changed,
From bad,
To another type of bad,
(However different and/or nuanced that may have been and can be clearly described in deep conscious (or whatever type of..) detail(s)..),

My whole life,
My ego would remain unsatisfied,
Would then meet an expectation,
Then would have another unexpected expectation,
And would remain,
More insecure,
More unsatisfied,
And would continually cause me,
To miss out on,
All that could help me feel,
More often,
Gratified,
And therefore,
Fulfillingly presently,
Alive,

My whole life,
I feel there to always have been,
A deeper truth that was always there,
Even if I was however,
To whatever degree,
If not,
Completely unaware,

My whole life,
I believe to have been existing as a physical manifestation,
As part of an underlying source,
Or interconnected WHOLE,
Of consciousness that happens to be the source of all there is,
That manifests on the surface..,
That is infinitely deeper than however anyone can infinitely deeply describe,
??

My whole life,
Or maybe..,
Due to living my whole life (?),
I feel I’ve come to realize deeper and deeper,
That new and clearer examples of how and what I can express,
That I somehow interpret from my life experience,
Is infinite..,
So to me it seems,
There’s always something new to list,
And there’s always a clearer/newer way to express (such as in writing),
Any number of experience(s),
?

My whole life,
I’ve had changing experiences,
That I could NOT precisely predict,
Nor precisely depict,
As they occur,
And/or however they recur,
Throughout my life

If you do NOT want irrelevant information that I compulsively wanted to share,
Then skip this first long stanza (below),
Regardless,
Thanks as always,
For reading:

Apparently (although I now (at least somewhat) corrected it (I think(?))) the WordPress.com computer algorithm(?) did not initially copy and then paste the bold character names/personal-indications for my dialogue in my post “Deeper part(s) of me”,
When I clicked “Paste without Formatting” to post what I therefore titled as “Deeper part(s) of me”, it did not paste (as my ego was expecting) exactly..,
Welp,
Guess no forms of intelligence are perfect (?),
And may always be better (?),
And aside from infinite examples,
I guess conscious detail..,
May always remain deeper,
?
So..,
I guess I can NOT always trust more knowledgeable and/or quicker information processing forms of intelligence such as an iPhone and/or whatever type of computer and/or whatever the future may have to offer..?
Yet..,
Regardless..,
I do appreciate the good HELPFULNESS safe trustworthy artificial forms (or non-human (non-sentient being(?)) forms) of intelligence can and does offer..,
Such as allowing me to make public my written expressive creativity..,

And as for what this post was INITIALLY about..,
As for what I INITIALLY had to say..,
ANYWAY:

Ya see,
Although..,
I feel it’s important to focus on literal,
Technical matters,

Yet,
As I feel:
If we do NOT know how to prevent our emotional chemicals from building,
If we,
Do NOT check on the chemicals that ARE building in us,

Well,
There may just be an explosion..,
??

Especially if between two individuals,
With building emotional unchecked,
Unhealed chemicals..,
Well..,
There may..,
Just one day..,
Be an explosion..?
..,
And hopefully that does not lead,
To a DEADLY,
Chain reaction,
Of unchecked building then exploding emotion,
Hence maybe we can try to (when needed),
Develop compassion,
To further add to the equation(s)..,
??

And if others consider compassion as “weakness”,
Well,
They can handle themselves the way they see fit,
At,
Their own risk.

And that was my initial post,
Initially titled (if I remember correctly) “At their own Risk”,

And I also want to add that..,
Well,
Some may be more equipped,
Yet (I feel) it does NOT mean I can trust them,
..,
And just because I have autism and I’m “different” does NOT mean I’m “deficient”,
And different forms of intelligence may just NOT be able to realize that..,
??

I may learn differently,
Yet I feel I have quite similar capability..,
Yet unfortunately,
I feel my environment largely improperly handled me,
So in many ways,
Especially SOCIALLY,
Well..,
I just may have developed quite deficiently..,
?

Yet others may never see,
Why I am a certain way..,

They just may be dismissively judgmental,
They just will NOT be helpful,
They just will NOT be nice,
They’ll just give me advice,
And be on their way..,

Welp..,
I dream..,
(However I’m labeled as “autistic” or “neurodivergent” or not..),

Of better days

One person pisses me off for this reason,
Another pisses me off for that reason,

One person can NOT take a joke,
Another person busts my balls before they’re recovered from the previous busting,

I feel,

It’s that important basic term from economics that I remember my teacher saying..,
“We always make ‘trade-offs’”,

And sometimes SADLY the mean teacher has more important lessons to offer,
Yet,
It’s NOT black or white either,
Just because something is one way does NOT imply it’ll ALSO be that other way,
There may NOT always be that same “price to pay”,

And I struggle to find greater benefits at less cost,

Ohh how there’s always some type of trade-off

Okay so here’s a section that I omitted that was initially part of my last post titled “Remains of Me” that as for today (July 27th, 2022) remains public..,

And I guess as for how the “dark clouds” would obliterate me..,
As for how I’d literally connect that figure of written expression..,
Well..,
Maybe they’d create powerful lightning that zaps me?
Maybe they could..,
Rain fire and/or lava onto me?
Or whichever figure of speech connection(s) work..,
Works..,
And maybe this stanza is OCD??

But yeah,
I feel,
As for (an example of) PROBABILITY,
The more alone I am with my feelings,
The more vulnerable I am to the feelings destroying me,
(Not saying I can’t be vulnerable elsewhere),
Yet..,
When I’m by myself,
In isolation,
Without help,
For one the lack of connection and/or lack of attention distraction may open more attention for bad feelings/memories,
Hence more likely increasing their power and/or control over me,
So I may sink into inner emotional darkness quite deeply..,

So yeah,
Not saying being around others is always helpful,
Yet when I am alone with bad memories and don’t know how to alleviate them,
I could be quite vulnerable,
For example..,
??

And here is how the rest of that post initially went:
And I had it initially titled “Alone with it”.. or “When Alone with it”..,
I forget but I’d guess you (or many of you) clearly get it..,
??

But yeah..,
Sometimes it really bothers me,
When I’m alone with bad memories such as of people acting hurtful towards me..,
..,
Oh..,
Was it really as bad as my isolated mind makes it (later on) to be?
Guess there may always REMAIN that uncertainty..?

Okay okay..,
Here is how the rest of the initial post actually finished reading:

And yes I may include revising..,
Here it is:

I’d say I feel that,
Feeling so much pain,
In isolation,
Ohhh,
Sometimes instead of detaching and witnessing the energy,
It takes control of my awareness,
Sometimes it,
Distracts my attention from not only knowing,
Yet (as a result) NOT feeling what I INSTEAD could be appreciating with my being..,

Instead of being alone with these dark feelings..,
If I find a viable way to direct my attention in a (also) real yet POSITIVE way..,
I may be functioning a much better way,
And I may be developing myself in a way that’ll increase the LIKELIHOOD of experiencing better days..,
??

Okay so a lot of the above had newly created sections.. and now.. as I re-read and/or possibly revise this,
Here’s the rest of what remained as the initial draft of this:

Huhhhh..,

My innate AND traumatically exacerbated hyper-alertness,
Takes away from relaxed appreciation of my present experience(s),

Oh..
There’s so much,

I miss..,

Huhhh,

The emotions arise at various times,
And I try to yet STRUGGLE to remain aware all the time,
So their toxic currents do NOT kill me..,

I try to do all I know,
To stay afloat,
So I do not painfully sink,
And drown,
Deeply,

I feel I first must sufficiently remind myself,
How I first must handle it,
However I see fit,
So I don’t sink,
So I don’t become to lost,
In the pain and darkness of it,

Yep,
That’s what I had initially wrote (or typed),
And I hope that sufficiently expresses it

Speaking based on my present understanding if I’m accurately internally understanding myself:

And to (as always) speak for MYSELF:

Regardless of how feelings may (however predictably or unpredictably) tend to change and occur,
I feel,
Sometimes the memory (such as of someone hurting me) is most painful as it occurs (especially) when I’m by MYSELF,
And/or completely distant,
From those who ARE sufficiently empathetically there..,

Sometimes,
I feel,
When I’m ALONE with it,
I painfully sink deeper into it,

Sometimes and (of course, if not often),
I feel,
When I’m ALONE with it,
I’m more VULNERABLE,
To the pain immensely deepening,
Including IRRATIONAL handling of the pain that may be inwardly arising,

??

And I’d say,
I must regain focus,
On how I feel,
To reconnect,
However I see fit,
With the rational energy,
So the dark clouds LESS LIKELY,
Obliterate,
What remains of me,

And/or the remains,
Of the form I may ever be in,
Presently

I feel:

If you,
Do NOT want me to,
“Do as you do”,
It will NOT be easy,
And it’ll instead be immensely and excessively HARD,
If I’m frequently influenced by you,

And well,
Regardless of what others see me doing,
I feel it comes down to,
What I presently,

See,

As true

Guess I can still work on using more figures,
That describe speech,
Or whatever can be indirectly used to describe a feeling and/or experience (for example) that is not direct words..,
And may evoke deeper feeling(s) that are deeper than direct literal words and/or literal (non-figurative) analysis..?
Assuming the literal words don’t lead to deepened understanding,
..,
Deeper than literal,
figurative,
And/or deeper than any type of external conveying can express,
And because feelings themself are literally deeper as for that,
Since feelings and expressions (although related) are literally separate (yes they may be deeply interconnected in a different sense as for solid and space..),
I would guess..?

Anyway,
As for today,
On July 26th, 2022:

Later after running errands with my mom,
While driving alongside a strip mall,
I told my mom to stop for an old man waiting to crossover to the parking lot,
As she stopped the car he gave us a dirty look while crossing (seemingly) due to her stopping slightly abruptly,

Yet his mean glare stuck with me,
So right after dropping me off to go to Chipotle (before our drive home),
I decided to walk over..,

As I did this and as I expected..,
My mom was calling my name..,

Mom: Zach! Zach!

I had my eye on the old man,

Right as he was getting into his car,
As I felt anxiety arise in me,
In a shaking/broken voice which I largely feel is due to not normally confronting people like this,
I exclaimed..,

Me: Sir! Don’t look at my mom like that!

He then began to respond with much greater, neurotypical and well-developed confidence in himself..,

Old man: What are you talking about!?

Me: When we let you cross the street you gave my mom a dirty look.

(Although it was both of us..)

Old man: What are you talking about!!?

Me: You gave my mom a look.

Old man: I was just crossing the street minding my own business! You got the wrong guy!

So then I just got intimidated and stared at the old white man..,
Then his ego,
continuing in its strong Hudson Valley tri-state accent,
Used that as an opportunity to further emotionally overpower me instead of providing empathy..,

Old man: You’re crazy!!

I continued to stare at him.

Old man: You got the wrong guy! You’re crazy!

So then I tried to just continually reduce the upsetting interaction by saying..,

Me: Have a nice day.

Old man: You’re crazy.

He shut his car door and took off with his stoic, stone cold energy..,

(And yes I then went to Chipotle right after..),

And yes,
A part of me got mad for not justifying why I felt he was the crazy one..,
And yeah,
I know I should’ve just shrugged it off,
but the disrespect I (including my mom (as I feel)) often receive in response to our kindness sometimes PISSES ME OFF,

Although this may not precisely parallel what I’m referring to,
STILL,
One time in NYC when my mom was just standing still waiting to cross a woman walked right into her,
And as my mom anxiously looked up,
The woman gave her a nasty look and was like “Uhhhhhh”,
And just kept on walking probably to keep chasing her selfish career..,
..,
And I know I shouldn’t make bad projections (regardless of the actual case)..,
And no matter how accurate I may be,
(In my belief),
It does NOT help with compassionate energy..,
Yet..,
Aside from all the examples I can NOT keep up with..,

As I expected after this interaction..,

My mom got into protective lecture mode,
Then of course reminded me of the risk factor(s) of confronting strangers,
Hence,
She gave me many important lectures regarding the dangers,
And aside from all the lectures I was ready to receive,
Even though I did NOT handle it safely,
Even though I should have left the old man alone and not have scared him for even his own wellness OBVIOUSLY,
(Since he appeared old and/or in poor health),
And although his emotions overpowered me,
I could’ve and luckily did NOT scare the man into (something like) a heart attack..,
Yet (in my belief) it would’ve been better for him as well if he empathized with my frustration instead of going on the attack,
Since due to his kind of energy..,
Well..,
Yes it’s okay to vent,
Yet too much of that bad energy that raises blood pressure may (in my belief) increase chances of bad health and/or a heart attack..,
??
Especially if many do NOT know and/or struggle to consciously return to their inner body to heal the emotional/physical toxins that have built up in them..,
??

Anyway..,

Aside from how foolish and irrational my behavior was,
Aside from the consciousness I must cultivate so I do NOT respond that way to a mean stranger..,

One time,
A long time ago,
I remember,
A man driving very slow,
Yet TOO CLOSE to me and my siblings in the ShopRite parking lot by the Palisades mall,
And (due to seeing this) my dad got so mad,
He turned,
The woman in the passenger’s seat got startled,
Then my dad walked up to the window and confronted the man,
And UNLIKE the man I confronted,
The man seemed to know what he did,
Yet I felt bad for the man (who my dad confronted) for feeling bad,
Yet as for protective instincts,
I understand,

Yet as for this man in that Nanuet parking lot today,
Instead of empathizing with me wanting to protect my mom,
Instead of saying after “you got the wrong guy”,
Something like “I understand why you felt the need to confront me”,
He just took his remaining insecurity out on my building anxiety,
(He just tried to make me feel more bad by just getting additionally emotionally distant and mad so his insatiable insecure ego would have a (although temporary) “quick fix”),
And therefore decided to repeatedly call me,
“Crazy”,
..,
Instead of empathy,
Instead of acknowledging my consideration and clear (as they say) “benefit of the doubt”,
He just decided to call me,
“Crazy”,

And (regardless if saying this makes me look unconsciously crazy..) well,
I feel I wasn’t crazy,
..,
Or my craziness (although foolish) was still VALID..,
..,
As we let him cross..,
He did CLEARLY seem to give me and my mom a look that was quite dirty,
And since he did NOT appear to be in a conscious place to take the criticism,
He decided to unconsciously gaslight me,
..,
Him being a grumpy old man,
Who made it through life,
Wanted to try to emotionally step on a far less confident young struggling bullied autistic man (and/or troubled manchild (?)) trying to stand up for his mom while knowing the risks,

Of course I have my assumptions..,
Of course this grumpy old man seemed rather harmless,
Yet of course,
There was no certainty..,

My mom once told me,
(NOT TO SHITTALK my dad..),
Just to point out that (it’s not only me who struggles with this kind of self-control essentially..),
Because apparently..,
While I was a baby,
My dad confronted these young kids who cut him off driving in a parking lot,
..,
I think another time (before I was born),
My mom told me that..,
(NOT TO SHITTALK my dad..),
That,
After a biker yelled at my dad by saying to him something like (?),
“Do you know how to read!!?”,
My dad responded by exclaiming,
“I have a masters!!”

And there was the time as we were,
In January 2015,
With me and my brother in the car while going to see the film “Selma” (at the Palisades mall),
With the guy who ran the red light,
By making an illegal right,
In the pickup truck,
And then my dad exclaimed,
“Are you drunk!!?”
And the man replied by exclaiming,
“Shut up!!”

(Not sure if I shared that one before..? Anyway..),

And well,
Aside from all the funny instances with my old man,
Which I made in short stories,
Which also occurred before his head injury (while running to the Subway, falling and hitting his head on stairs yet still catching the train (and thankfully they stopped his inner bleeding!!)),
Which may be less excusable..,
And yes..,
I’ll try NOT to speak for him..,
Yet anyway,

Well,
I also,
Wanted to thank him for all he’s done for me,
Including for teachers and their rights,
Because (in my present belief) they try and succeed to varying degrees,
At helping sustain the future of humanity,

Okay,
I’ll just also say,
There was that time when he generously drove me to the juggling convention out in Purdue University in Indiana,
And that time (driving out there) in Youngstown Ohio (before his head injury) when they stopped serving breakfast (at McDonald’s) and he was like “Shit!! Shit!!”
And yes there was way more to that yet just thought I’d additionally briefly mention it..,

And yes,
I could say more and more,
Yet,
Instead of “crazy”,
I want to say,
That we are human,
And we may experience hard to control emotion(s),
And we may struggle in our efforts (especially if we feel alone with them) at inner alleviation,

So yes,
I was acting crazy by confronting the guy,
Yet,
As for him not having empathy to consciously respond with towards me,
Well..,
That did NOT help contribute to less crazy energy,
And yes,
I’ll try to let it go and not react to it,
Like water,
Under the,
(not Cuomo),
NEW,
Tappan Zee bridge..,
..,
Hence I feel,
It’s as they say “water under the bridge”,
Same with the road rage incident I discussed due to being tailgated by that guy approaching the New Tappan Zee bridge (which I then referred to as the “Cuomo Bridge”.. in my post “Tailgated” (when it occurred and when I posted it in March 2021)),
But anyway,
It’s all,
“Water under the freakin bridge”,
And I try,
Often,
To not get thrown off the bridge and drown in the current and/or undertow of bad energy including my history,
And yeah,
Staying focused on the road (figuratively speaking) has NOT always felt easy,
(And well.., sometimes literally.., yet I’m staying as safe as I can, and when I appear as emotionally worked up my mom does NOT let me drive for obvious safety and (therefore) valid reasons..),
So if I don’t drive safe on any road it could be hazardous for obvious reasons,

And yeah,
Still working on inner emotional settling,
And preparing myself for not destructively reacting,
Nor destructively handling them (such as self-medicating and/or being forced harmfully excessively prescribed medications or whatever (which may be insatiably excessively profiting those (or some of those) doing the prescribing(?))..),

So yes,
Figuratively AND/OR literally,
If our emotional pain,
Does not remain,
As just,
Water that runs under the bridge,
(If it evaporates into us or however one would bridge together that figurative connection..?),
Me and someone else may fly off the bridge and drown in the (unevaporated and remaining (?)) deadly currents/undertow,
Unless we know how to consciously,
Especially in the most needed moments,
Handle it,
?

And yep,
I still struggle to sustain in society,
As for many who do NOT know me,
Who dismissively assume I’m crazy,
Instead of consciously giving me the fair benefit of the doubt,
And considering (such as what I frequently talk about),
That I’m a guy,
Who has had a lot of struggle and continues to struggle,
Especially in ways that are with learning/attention/information processing,
Emotional balancing and of course socializing,
Among whatever else..,

So it makes sense that many may assume I’m “crazy”,
Especially with the (in my belief) mainstream convenient dismissive judgmental mentality,

And I will therefore once again,
Work on controlling my emotional reaction,
So it does NOT lead to a dangerous explosion with others (such as the old man who called me “crazy”) who also struggle to control their inner chemical emotional reaction(s),
(And I’ll speak for him to express anger towards him, even though I know I do NOT know the guy..),
..,
And so instead of medication creating suppression by shutting me down,
I will try to,
Once again,
Return to my inner body,
To consciously detach,
To cultivate healing energy,
To cultivate less intense emotional reactivity,
And more peace in me,

HOPEFULLY..,

And of course to make it more likely that I’ll recognize when I’m crazy or about to be,
So I do NOT let the crazy unconsciousness take hold of me,
Because I feel,
Like that guy,
Many who feel I’m crazy,
Are just,
NOT saying it to help me..,

So when it comes down to it,

I’d say that a,

Deeper part of me,

Is NOT crazy

I WISH I was not labeled,
I WISH my autistic neurodivergent challenges were not used against me,
I WISH the confidence I could have developed,
Developed in me,

BECAUSE THEN:

I could be more self-sustaining,
Such as,
Working harder to survive and THEREFORE developing a greater appreciation for what I HAVE because I worked harder for it,
And I can feel that my work may also be fulfilling a societal function,
Such as if I had confidence to go into construction,

And a guy who bullied me is now a construction worker,
And he took off with his career,
As I remain held back by what people like him did to me..,

And oh I wish I had that confidence in me,

BECAUSE THEN,

I feel I may be experiencing far more fulfillingly,

Oh I wish I developed that confidence in me,

I guess,
I just must,
ONCE AGAIN,
Notice my naturally occurring breath,
And return to my sensations,
Of my inner body,

Oh I wish for that gratifying conscious confidence,
To fill me

I wish it was easier,
I wish there was more equality,
I wish there was less pain that built in us,
I wish there was LESS pain that limited us,

I wish we could clear more toxic energy,
And open more to our deep powerful peaceful compassionate efficient capabilities,

I wish it did NOT feel as hard,
It wish it felt easier,

And I just want to say,
Even though I may APPEAR on the surface as someone who always has it “easy”,
Well,
There’s just TOO much pain I’ve experienced,
TOO much pain I still carry with me,
Due to how those have treated me,
Due to my “on the spectrum”,
“Autistic”,
“Disability”,
..,

There’s so much painful memories that I can NOT possibly include it all,
And I can NOT precisely depict any exact occurrence(s),

In my belief,
There’s always something more to be discovered about any particular experience(s),

I was someone who was DIFFERENT,
Who ALSO came from a DIFFERENT environment,
Who immensely STRUGGLED in a mainstream that did NOT like DIFFERENCE,

Yep,
Many may still judgmentally not understand and callously dismiss this,
?

Yet as for me,
I ALSO had a hard experience,

And I struggle to keep going,
To keep letting go,
To cultivate compassion,
In a step by step fashion,

Yep,
My neurodivergent challenges to navigate,

Continue

There may be typos,
Yet I just..,
Couldn’t inwardly discover the inner patience to wait on this..,

And..,

Regardless of the date(s) I post and/or further revise this,
Regardless of whatever else:

As for July 24th,
I feel a need to acknowledge,
I feel a need to try my best to communicate,
My deep appreciation,
Gratitude,

I feel a need to share,
How I’m grateful for,
A gift our messed up world was given,
A gift that would grow into someone who,
Not only knows, talks and analyzes about,
Yet also,
ACTS,
With great strengths of care,
Someone,
Who really,
In times of need,
I feel,
Has,
More than anyone else has,
For me,
Been there,

If anyone has been there for me the most,
It’s been you,

I want to thank you,
For being there,
When the peers and administration,
Gave me loads of recurring rejection,
Loads of hurtful judgmental projection..,
..,
Yet,
UNLIKE THEM,
..,
YOU,
helped me learn,
To control my inner chemical emotion WITHOUT EXCESSIVE MEDICATION,
You made it LESS likely that my inner emotional reaction(s) leads to a deadly explosion,
Because you’re emotionally there for me,
UNLIKE THEM,
You provide me with,
Compassion,
..,
And,
UNLIKE THEM,
You saw how I was sensitive,
And,
UNLIKE THEM,
You know,
(Regardless of what works for others),
YOU KNEW,
What the medication would do to me,
You knew how a special school was NOT the answer for me,
Others may disagree,
Yet,
They just do NOT see,
And you help remind me,
To remember,
To NOT give them power over me,
Essentially..,

And I know and I’m GRATEFUL for how you empathetically see that it’s not easy (especially for those like me),
Yet,
You’re there for me,
And others,
Regardless of their stories and adversity..,
Ha,
I know you have REALLY been there for me,

I’m still trying to find what I see fit,
While trying to take less punches and bullshit,
Since I have not yet recovered from a lot of it,
You know I struggle to keep taking it,
And I appreciate that,

Oh..,
How the world remains apathetic and numb..,

I want to thank you,
For doing all you could to keep me safe,
From whichever dangerous institution(s),
And whoever else,
That would NOT have understood me the way you always have,

If it was not for you,
And all you’re able to do,
And have actually DONE,
I just might have been,
Long gone..,

??

Thank you,
For all you have done and continue to fight for,
Such as,
For those who struggle with mental health,
For helping those get a better handle on the wheel as they navigate through this confusing recurring dark world and times,

Many may remain emotionally distant,
Yet,
In addition to being there in person,
In addition to providing for me financially,
You used your inner strength,
To ensure to the best of your ability,
That I develop internally,
That I not only better myself financially,
That I also grow,
As a person,
Beautifully,

And although I feel to have been struggling immensely presently,
Although I still feel incompatible and out of place quite often,
Thank you for your economic and EMOTIONAL awareness and support,
That I am blessed with,

And I hope others know,
All you’ve done and continue to do,
So they remember,
The goodness,
The awesome beingness,
That remains possible,
That (as I feel) myself and many others,
Struggle to access,
Nourish and keep with us,
As we may struggle in our own way,
Down our own path(s),
As we pass through our own courses,
Of varying encounters,
Of varying experience(s),

And as for those who may be uniquely vulnerable,
And/or whoever,
However mainstream and “well-adjusted” or not..,

Thank you for seeing us,
Thank you for the compassionate strength in which you provide us,

When the others my age did NOT want to be around me,
When the school administration was NOT able to regard the bullying and just wanted to conveniently put me on medication,
That my guidance counselor ordered you to pay for,

And as I’d assume based on what you shared with me when I was more ready..,
As for support services I needed she looked you dead in the eye and said,
“That’ll be on your dime”,
Yet UNLIKE her,
I want to thank you,
For the compassion and support you provide me with almost all (if not all) of the time..,
..,
You were there for me,
And I hope she had a fun vacation in Hawaii..,

I know everyone has their struggle,
Their experiences,
And deserves a vacation,
Yet,
You are one of,
If not,
The strongest person I’ve ever seen,

You stay kind,
While others stay mean,

As for whoever else is reading this,
You’d be DAMN lucky,
To have a mother like this,

Mom,
Thank you for being there,

Thank you,
For also,
In the best way you know,
For,
Reminding me,
Of the importance of compassion,
Even for those who severely hurt me,
Even for those who spotted my learning/emotional “on the spectrum” weaknesses and decided to use it against me,
Such as for that guy by the last name of (okay I will NOT say it) who is (at least) a year older than me..,
And all that shit he’d among others would do to me and just made me feel additionally miserable,
Misunderstood and REJECTED in my HOME COMMUNITY,
So THANK YOU,
For helping me through,
For being a TRUE,
Close friend,
When others just did NOT want to,
Thank you,

And yes,
I’m a slow learner,
I,
Struggle to see the big picture,
Others who struggle less in that regard might find my presence to be even some degree of psychological torture,
Yet YOU,
Just,
Kept making it THROUGH and stayed KIND,
UNLIKE my main baseball coach who I’ll TRY NOT TO GET INTO..,

And well,
I wish him the best,
Including more coaching career success..,
..,
Guy knew a lot,
Yet as for me and my struggles,
Which people like him struggle to be around,
It’s just been a lot,

You could handle it,
And,
Like many others,
He could NOT..,

He and many others just wanted me gone,
And if it was NOT for YOU,
I may have just been,
LONG GONE,

And mom,
As for you,
All the,
WORK YOU DID ON YOURSELF,
That others who treated me like shit,
Just did NOT,
THEY,
MAY,
ALL,
F*CK OFF,

Sorry for the cursing..,
I know everyone’s got their trauma,
I know everyone’s got their “lived experience”,
As you’ve helped inform me of,
Aside from my frequent struggles with inner/spiritual/self-improvement,

Thank you,
For being there for me,
Thank you,
For meeting my needs as for how they needed to be met,
Something that I unfortunately feel many others just will NEVER get,

Thank you for understanding,
When so many others just didn’t,
Still don’t,
And may never will,

Thank you,
For all you do,
To help me make it up,
My autistic,
Neurodivergent,
Non-mainstream hill(s),

You,
Deserve,
An,

AWESOME

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY