I try to open up,
Yet,
I feel,
Many prefer,
I shut the fuck up,

I want to chill,
Yet,
I want to look clearly,
I want to experience deeply,
I want to discover profound capability,
I want to be honest about how I feel,
As a result of how others treat me,
Regardless of what their intentions may be,

I want kindness and sensitivity,
Yet,
I don’t want anyone,
Including myself,
Getting overly offended,
or derailed,
Too easily,

If I could be less sensitive,
I would,
Yet,
I have a history,
Of being an easy target for bullying,
Which is why I feel,
I sometimes make too big of a deal,
Over very small things,

I want honesty,
Yet,
I do NOT want others to say,
Nor do what harms me,
Then further damages me,

I try to be myself around others,
Yet,
I don’t expect them to like me,
Even when I am myself,
Yet,
Less truthfully,
And more conformingly,

I want to be around,
Those who are honest and expressive,
Yet,
I don’t want to get too offended,
I don’t want,
worse mental health issues,
Or whatever the issues,

I want to be around others,
Yet,
I don’t want them,
To make stuff feel harder for me,
In a way that does NOT help,
Yet,
Harms me,

I like to be around people,
Yet,
Instead of getting to know me,
I thought I heard others looking and saying mean things about me,
To get attention from their friends insatiably,
Like when I was by myself at the bar,
And people were like,
“Who’s that kid over there!!?”
And it was hard,
Not blocking out feeling rejected,
Negatively judged,
Dismissed and excluded,
While,
Remaining sober,

And that day was the end of another painful one,
YET,
When I went to be around the only available social environment,
As I generally expect,
I felt,
Even more like,
Another weirdo,
Another reject,

I want to feel less isolated,
YET,
I don’t want to end up becoming more hurt,
Damaged,
And upset,

I want to work hard and make better choices,
That lead to happier experiences,
Yet,
My confidence in a desired result,
I feel to be damaged,
As a result,
Of being labeled,
Bullied,
And emotionally,
Spiritually,
Damaged,

I want to be around those who have good powerful spirit,
Yet,
I fear that they may abuse it,
And I feel that I am still,
An easy,

Target

(Beginning draft)

I walk into a skatepark at Cleveland Ohio,
By the,
Rock n Roll Hall of Fame,
Skaters of all ages laugh and ostracize me,
Because my style,
With my helmet and pads,
was embarrassing and lame,

I see a YouTube video of a skater,
Wearing a helmet,
As a street skateboarding professional,
I’d never expect it,

For reasons such as because,
it was real skateboarding,
Unlike that Disney channel commercial shit,

I remember how used to feel,
And especially,
How other street skater peers and elders,
Would react to me,
While seeing me,
trying to protect myself,
with a helmet and pads,
For my own safety,
Regardless of orders my parents gave me,

I see a comment,
calling the street skater wearing a helmet,
“Helmet boy”,
While praising the non-helmet street skater,
and calling the helmet skater a “weirdo”,
Which reminded parts of my past,
That still give me pain,
That I struggle to let go,

There’s my bullying history,
My struggle,
To find a better fit in mainstream society..,
Yet especially,
Seeing that comment reminded me,
Of how the street skaters,
condemned me,
For tying to have fun street skateboarding,
While protecting myself,
From getting a head injury,

And of course,
The person on YouTube was mean to me,
He said something sarcastically like..
“Good for him he should’ve been a scooter pro”,
And he included another emoji..,

And in addition to that driver in the pick up truck who BLASTED his horn at me,
And the other pick up driver and all others who recently expressed anger towards me,
Including those who are usually nice to me,
Aside from the state of humanity,
..,
I then expressed to my dad,
how,
And why I feel to be angry,
And going crazy..,

Since my energy which I struggled to control,
Didn’t make myself clear,
He didn’t hear,
That,
underneath my anger,
About the YouTube hater,
Is a history,
Of pain,
Of what that culture,
Among the larger culture,
Did to me,
And how I feel it continues to hurt me,
And how it continues,
To challenge,
My sanity,

And,
As I express myself to my dad,
Angrily,

As I mentioned already,
Because he then assumed I only was acting crazy about the one small comment,
He told me to,
Understandably to,
“Get over it”,

Causing me,

To lose my shit,

So,
I then,
drive back to my mom’s house,
Slowly in the right lane,
While others pass me as they drive insane,
..,

I call my therapist,
Tell him I’m beyond pissed,
We talk,
He listens,

Afterwards..,

My dad calls me back,
He says,
“Let’s try it again”,
So I get off at the nearest exit to head back,

So after getting off at the exist,
I drive slow,
In a (somewhat) remote town I don’t know,

Then a man and woman tailgate me,
I pull to the right, on the narrow shoulder,
To allow them to pass me,

And as they pass,
The couple then stops right in front of me,
Blocking the road while stopped on the double yellow line diagonally,
Then,
The passenger window lowers,
I pull up alongside the car,
He asks me,

“What’s going on!??”
I say,
“No I didn’t mean it like that. I just was trying to let you guys pass”,
He says,
“Alright”,
And they moved along,

Then after I finished putting my dad’s address,
In the GPS..,

And I remained safe,
From another fight,
I remain apprehensive about more pain to come,
I remain hurt,

Yet..
I drive back,
While continuing with my life,

It was a rough day today,
And as I write this I get into an argument with my sister in a family group chat..,
I won’t get into that..,

I’m frustrated,
Due to people making me feel a usual way,
And all I been through,
Including what I still struggle through,

This was mostly about how the street skaters would treat me,
And that as of now,
I want to advocate for my writes,
I want to respond sincerely,
More often,
To anyone else who hurts me..,

And well,
As I drove back..,

Along the way,
..,
At least,
As of now,
I think it’s appropriate for me to say,

That in some way,

I’m okay

I just feel that many people don’t know,
How what they do,
Causes me to feel so brutal,
Yet they still expect me,
To easily,
Remain peaceful,

Instead of fairly reciprocating,
the respect I give,
To varying degrees,
People unconsciously act hurtful,
While expecting me,
To just shrug off,
How they hurt me,
And they expect me to,
remain peaceful,
As if nothing painful,
Occurred to me,

As for all they did to me,
All the fakeness,
Insincerity,
And lies that they gave me,
They expect me,
To just,
“Let it go”,
Instantly…,

I just can’t believe it,
..
I just can’t believe,
That people don’t see,
How it is the AFFECT me,

And they just expect me,
To remain peaceful,
As if they “haven’t done a thing to me”,

I can go on and on,
As people won’t change,
And as,
They’ll keep doing what they do to me,

On and on,

Perpetually,

I find it,

SAD,

It gives me pain,

Deeply

Yet they expect me,
To NOT hate,

Yet they expect me,
To NOT get angry,

Yet they expect me,
To act,
As if they do nothing,

To me

(Re-uploaded)

What works for you,
May not work the same for me,
OR,
What affects you,
May affect me differently,
OR,
What you enjoy,
May fill me with misery..

???

So please,
Please,
Do NOT force your beliefs,
onto me,

Or..
Continue to ignore me,
Making what’s hard,
Harder,
For both you and me,

Please..
Please..
Let’s try making stuff NOT harder,
Than necessary,

And remember to open to,
Ways it can be

I feel that,
Since I can’t clearly see,
Most others looking deeply,
I don’t feel they can clearly see,
What I have to express,
That come from deep feelings,
That come from deep pain,
I feel to experience,

I believe,
As they continue to criticize,
They fail to realize,
Not only what I’m feeling,
But capabilities within themselves,
They could be deeply appreciating,

Sometimes,
Trying to block out discomfort,
Makes me too uncomfortable,

Sometimes,
Inwardly running away,
Shutting myself down,
As you may guess,
Makes me feel down,
And doesn’t help,
me rise up,

Sometimes,
I have true compassion,

And other times,
I hate,
Yes.. that most others don’t appear to relate..
But that,
I feel,
That most others don’t look,
To be around someone,
Who tries,

To look deeply,

Such as me,

And of course,
It’s how I believe I often feel and see,

I still can’t tell,
If I’m looking the right way,
Nor how lost I am,
In a harmful,

Way,

Once again,
I feel to be,
Continually,
Passing through,

In some way

(Re-uploaded)

I try to be,
As open minded as can be,

Yet when I obsessively,
Try to learn about paths that don’t speak to me,
I feel inner pain such as,
Isolation,
And a deepening lonely disconnection,

To speak for myself,
And for whoever else may agree..?
I understand it’s not easy to tolerate others with different beliefs,
I understand it’s not easy to have compassion for those who oppress us,

Of course I’m NOT saying to accept any forms of oppression,
Yet,
How can we alleviate our inner pain?

To find and cultivate,
More tolerance,
And let go of the barriers of fear and hate,
To increase a possibility,
Of coexisting more peacefully,
Even if we completely can’t relate??

I just want to add that,
Anyone who wants to punish me,
Due to seeing and believing differently,
I have to ask once again..,

How..

How do you expect punishment to help me?

How do you expect a SEVERE punishment to teach me and not SEVERELY damage me?

How do you expect punishment to help me see the way you see?

How do you expect punishing me will help me empathize with you to a needed degree,
To help sustain whatever civilized sentient society??

SERIOUSLY??

Just don’t put me in a “disbelieving”,
“evil”, “THEM” category!!

(Source: Mark Manson, “Everything is F*cked”, (2019), pages 96-98)

SERIOUSLY??

Yeah..,
Staying safe from those who believe in harming anyone who “disbelieves” isn’t easy,
And I’m struggling to accept,
Anyone,
Who’s belief,
Is to whatever degree,
Harm me,

Yep,
To speak for myself,
It’s AIN’T always easy,

When we see,

Differently

To me..,
Just because I’m aware and can clearly articulate my problems does not reduce the severity,
Just because I’m aware and can clearly explain my problems,
Does NOT make any of them less of a problem,
..,
I guess another way to explain it,
Is that,
No matter how deeply aware I am of my shit,
Does NOT guarantee,
I’ll get it together sufficiently,
..,
No matter how aware I am of it,
Does not mean I’ll adequately,
Heal it,
Although not all of my posts have to be about pain..,
Well..,
Due to what I’ve been STILL experiencing,
It’s once again time,
For another posting:

And there might be at least some over-explaining..,
To obsessively prevent misunderstanding(s) and confusion from perpetuating..,
Anyway..,

After waking up today,
I believe I noticed that:

Pressure is building,
Thoughts are overloading and racing,
Inner peace and clear cognitive connections seem to be once again diminishing,
Confidence and/or assurance I have regarding the mainstream culture’s ability to alleviate what I’m experiencing is LACKING,
In other words I feel alone and feel very few know what to do and will actually do it,
Or sufficiently help me through it,
Yet..
I pretty much get it..,
Especially since I previously experienced and made it through,
What I presently believe to be,
So..
So damn much of it..,

There’s been so much inner and external bullshit,
And there always feels to be more of it..,

For me,
What’s different about this,
Is that instead of losing sleep to this,
I woke up to this,

That nightmare I had,
Made me,
Start writing again,

And yes,
Although the nightmare got me out of bed,
There still is a lot I feel to be grappling with,
Especially in my head,

At least I also feel,
That nightmare I had,
Woke me up,
Even more,
To see,
How shut down I’ve been,
Recently,

I guess the nightmare also somehow got me to remind myself,
(Regardless of however directly or indirectly),
That,
If I do NOT REMIND myself,
That not all (if any) of my passing thoughts reflect some deeper truth,
Then I may start believing them as truth without realizing,

If I act without inwardly processing and/or cleansing and/or healing,
And/or,
If I act UNCONSCIOUSLY,
Then those thoughts,
Will MORE LIKELY,
Get a hold on me,

If I don’t remind myself,
That not all thoughts that pass through me represent even the slightest degree of literal conscious reality,
Then those thoughts may MORE LIKELY navigate me,
So as they stear my direction,
They’ll further and further derail me,
Into dangerous and more dangerous delusion,

If I don’t remind myself,
That certain thoughts are not the reality,
They may cause me to unconsciously act destructively,
And their dangerous,
Toxic,
And/or(?),
Pernicious energy,
May fill and contaminate me EVEN when I’m not acting additionally destructively externally,

The anger,
Or whatever type of bad energy,
May destroy me,
UNLESS,
I REMIND myself,
To inhale,
To exhale,
To witness the inner clearing,
To witness the inner clearness building so I’m less weighed down for initiating and STAYING on a helpful,
Meaningfully developmental,
track of,
ADULTING,

I’m well aware my mind has been derailing me,
I’m well aware I gave into OCD by refilming that juggling video constantly,
I’m well aware that there may always be inner insecurity since (according to me) my ego is insatiable invariably,
I’m well aware I’m torn between juggling and writing,
I’m well aware my insecure egoic obsessiveness inhibits,
If not ruins,
Just about everything,

I had a nightmare last night,
And in this NIGHTMARE,
A fictitious,
Demonic parent figure,
Essentially,
Verbally and emotionally abused me for not getting my shit together,
And I woke up this morning,
Feeling DEEP,
DEEP,

ANGER,

Why am I letting my labels and insecurity.. or WHY AM I LETTING MY MIND HOLD ME back!!?
And WHY IS IT THAT I’M ALWAYS SO MISERABLE EVEN WHEN ON A GOOD TRACK!!?

I know the answers..
It’s my labels,
Bullying experiences,
Resulting insecurity,
The ego,
A lot or all of that stuff I post about repeatedly..,

AND..,
Essentially,
Even when I have my priorities together EXTERNALLY,
Why do I so often feel I’m dying INTERNALLY,
EVEN WHEN,
I’m doing the best I (if not ANYONE) can,
At taking care of myself,
Such as ALSO,
Spiritually and/or trying my best to access needed strength inwardly??

Yep..,
It’s the same shit ongoingly..,

Point is..,
I’m well aware,
As reflected by the evil parent figure,
(that is NOTHING like my literal GOOD parents (like what I said in posts of mine such as “Words Can’t Describe” and “Happy Holidays”)),
In the nightmare,
That my shit is not together,

I realized (assuming the email is legit) that I got another job offer,
Yet,
My egoic juggling goals,
Are still obsessively keeping me in those dark holes..,
And my lack of confidence due to past experience makes me fear that I’ll run into another experience that will fail once again,
..,
Obviously I’ll keep trying..,
It’s just that,
With me..,
This is how it’s been,
This is how it is..,

And the more I get yelled at,
The more I get shamed for problems I’m WELL AWARE that I have,
The more inner pain fills me and holds me back,
No matter how much I try to push myself along a better and better track,

No matter how deeply I’m truly capable,
I’m pretty used to being labeled “atypical”,
And I’m pretty used to not expecting a career and a life that is “normal”..,

And even though many of us know there is no “normal”,
Even though many of us know we’re all unique and can be labeled in some way..,
Well,
I feel like my life is stuck on some other way which I still don’t feel comfortably certain enough will bring me better days,
Even though to me there’s always a degree of uncertainty..,

And I have so many thoughts and feelings that I’m struggling to somewhat coherently connect and organize..,
I guess,
In addition from all the build up,
And my,
Nightmare,
Which triggered this,

To speak for myself (as always) I’d say,
I must,
REMIND MYSELF,
That these painful feelings,
Are not me,
That no matter how much I’ve been failing and fail continually,
That,
Taking another step at healing and clearing myself inwardly,
If done reasonably correctly,
(In my belief),
Seemingly can do nothing but help me,
On whatever path,
In whatever direction,
With whatever intention and awareness of attention,
I’m on and/or experiencing,

And as for taking a step in a truthful meaningful direction,
I feel I just did that,
By posting this,

Even if on the surface I appear as a loser,
Even if on the surface I appear as immensely inferior in this (based on my perception(s)) seemingly egoic contaminated and dominated culture,
Well,
At least what I have to say here,
May hopefully help anyone,
While on a path that is leading them,
Wherever,
??

Even though I have so much energy I’m struggling to cleanse,
Which is producing and/or IS emotions and thoughts I’m struggling to organize..,
??
(Source: Michael A. Singer, “The Untethered Soul”, (2007) page 41)

Well..,
At least by posting this,
No matter how incomplete this work of writing is,
At least,
I’m TRYING,
To,
Make something original,
Out of my own ATYPICAL struggles which may AT THE SAME TIME be very TYPICAL,
Such as,
I’m struggling with my remaining inner pain from past experiences,
As I continue struggling,
Presently,
With,
Adulting,

I trust,
Enough of you,
Understand enough of what I’m attempting at expressing,

Well..,
Unlike the past,
I hope I don’t try TOO hard to remain on a good track that causes me to end up emotionally and therefore existentially DERAILING myself,
(As a result of breaking from the inner stress due to trying too hard..),

So,
Even though I’m unemployed,
Age 27,
While at my mom’s house,
I’m still doing all I can,
With all my labels,
Insecurity,
And whatever else is inwardly burdening and/or painfully weighing in me,
To any degree(s),

I can’t explain all of it,
Yet I hope I expressed enough essential parts,
Of the heart of it,

As for what I feel to be dealing with and how I’m responding to it,
As always,
I’m doing all I know to continue through it,

So even though this in whatever ways may be different,
It’s pretty much the same shit,

I’d say I sufficiently,
Understand,
And I’d say I sufficiently can handle,
It,

I’m struggling,
With needs,
Choices and decisions,
With people and interactions,
With memories and inner energies,
With new and the same,
While stuck in life,
What many,
With whatever intentions,
Seem to refer to as a “game”,

Yes..,

I’m still,
Trying,
To remain,
sufficiently safe,
and sane,

Even if that fictional parent figure,
In my nightmare,
Who added pressure,
By ordering me to get my shit together,
Made me a lot worse and therefore NOT AT ALL better,
At least..,
I’m writing and made this post,
Because that’s a direction,
That I presently especially find worth aspiring down,

For me,
Writing does NOT guarantee a change in feelings,
Yet in this case I feel writing is as least one worthy attempt,
To..
I don’t know..
Keep going..
Like I have been doing..?

Ay yi yi..

Still navigating down and also carrying my “atypical” set of obstacles,
I’d also say I’m..,
Still reacting internally to the same adversity,
To a bit of a higher degree,
And that still just seems to be me based on how I see..?

I think you get what I’m saying,
Regardless,
Thanks again for reading

Sometimes,
Or however often,
The more pressure,
I feel to stay focused,
And never get offended,
The more robotic I become,

Sometimes,
Or however often,
Pressure,
To keep achieving efficiently faster,
Causes me to lose sleep,

Sometimes,
Or however often,
My clinginess,
To hurtful,
past social experience(s),

Sometimes,
Or however often,
I feel,
Forces of awake unawareness,
Suck me even deeper,
into my head,
Causing me to,
deeper and more deeply,
Uncompassionately and judgmentally,
Fixate,
On what I then perceived to be,
To whatever emotional degree in me,
the mean stuff others (however directly or indirectly) said,
To me,

Sometimes,
Or however often,
The more I feel a need to block out emotion,
The more I lose confidence on regaining that emotion,
The more I feel,
Based on my present assumption(s),
About my present,
imagination(s),
That artificial intelligence,
Is what needs to revive the human spirit in me,

And I especially feel this way,
Due to stereotypes “based on what I’ve heard” about autistic people like me,
“Not having empathy”,

To me,
It does seem obvious that hard-copied labels are understandings formed in the external,
That we can not prove were formed in the internal,

In my belief,
(For example),
Whatever we view as,
Artificial,
Magical,
Technological,
Natural,
Majestic and beautiful,
All seem to stem from a growing infinite root,
And/or web(?),
That is all happening,
In whatever solid,
Space,
Form(s),
Etc, etc,

And even if before this happening was just “empty space”,
Well,
In my belief(s),
The empty space was energy,

And yes,
I feel a need to share my beliefs,
So for any who may witness my actions,
And wish to judge and punish me severely,
May at least in that moment see,
That,
As they may manipulate the rules of accountability,
To realize that,
Well,
They just don’t know my INDIVIDUAL history,
Because they don’t know how I responded to experience internally,

And how can they spy,
On the infinitely deep happenings,
Of my inner mental and physical feelings,
?

As always,
I hope this was worth reading,

Wherever any of you are,
May you stay strong,
On your journey

Among my opinions,

Just because you made it out alive,
Does not mean you get to abuse people,
Who did not have to experience,
The level(s) of pain you did,

If it was all for nothing,
You can still teach us something(s),

Such as,
How to reduce insecurity,
Literally or spiritually,

What it really means to be wise,
Instead of basic common sense,

…

If you are forced to do a job that’s too frightening for most others to pursue,
Please try not to abuse others,
Who struggle to be as gifted as you

A present understanding I have that I would guess is at least somewhat accurate is,

The more my ego mind,
Wants to prove,
The more my ego mind,
Wants to film itself,

And to me it seems,
The more others discover what my ego filmed,
The more I lose privacy,

And I fear that,
Somehow will open a door,
For any others,
To use whatever I film myself doing,
Against me,

And sometimes,
In my belief,
Our narcissism may then make us believe,
That all the video footage we put out,
Will make other unconscious manifestations jealous,
Which may make us fear,
That others may want to,
Put us out,
?

If I say,
That I feel that the “world is against me”,
I believe I would MOST LIKELY MEAN,
That,
It MOST LIKELY does NOT mean that “everyone knows me”,
But that there are OTHER sentient manifestations of unconsciousness that became unconsciously lost that way dangerously worse than the worst parts of me,
Who feel they been unfairly wronged by society,
Far deeply WORSE than me,
And are now jealous of me,
And might therefore be,
Trying to come torture,
Me,

Inhale,
Exhale,

Sometimes if not often,
My imagination,
Still,
Frightens me,

Even if there are others who had an exactly different education than me,
Even if there are others who had immensely worse experiences than me,
I hope I feel more safe,
While KEEPING,
Fair and peaceful,
Democracy,

I know that those who I never seen before are not thinking,
“Oh that’s Zach!!”

Yet to me it seems,
As I’ve discussed,
Or implied (I think),
The more I lose sleep,
The more my mind,
Is likely to,
Fall even further behind,

I feel a need to remind,
Myself,
To notice,
What my mind needs to,
Yet does not presently notice,

Such as my inhaling and exhaling,
And all of matter and space,
That I believe to be a part of,
As it remains continually,
Changing