I easily become hyper-jealous of those who I assume to be adequately less sensitive, or NOT hypersensitive similar to me, an example being that I struggle not getting too envious of those who don’t overthink (like my hypersensitivity easily causes me to do) and instead can more clearly think as needed,

My hypersensitivity gives me painful emotional reactivity when others don’t intend to harm me,

My hypersensitivity in combination with various learning challenges which others consider “disabilities” adds to already hypersensitive emotions I have like hyper-anxiety and hyper-LOW confidence,
Which has ALSO become MORE hypersensitive due to others sensing it to drown out their own insecurity,
is a way my hypersensitivity is hyper-brutally used against me,

Of course fear of side-effects of harmful substances to reduce if not momentarily block out, or block out as long as can be gives me more fear of side-effects overall making my problems worse since time catches up, giving me BRUTAL hypersensitivity regarding what the medication to become less “hypersensitive” is doing to me that’s forced on me and/or an addiction I have from the drug hierarchy..

My hypersensitivity impinges my creativity since I feel so insecure about number of posts,
Since my hypersensitivity made me insecure about being a loser and since my culture values numbers,
Since my culture looks for quantity as a measure of “success”..
Which makes my creative QUALITY,
A HYPERSENSITIVE mess..

My hypersensitivity makes what is not a big deal a big deal to me,
And that fact that this prevents me,
The fact that hypersensitivity inhibits me,
Is a,

BIG DEAL,

Not just a big deal to my hypersensitivity,
But to the part of me that wants to get the most meaningful meaningfulness that I can experience,

My hypersensitivity is a big deal to the part of me that wants to relax and let go,

My hypersensitivity is a big deal since it causes me to OBSESSIVELY repeat out of hyper-fears of NOT emphasizing something I feel a hyper-need to emphasize,
Even though it may be obviously implied if not obviously excessively explicitly repeated by me or both..

So much hypersensitivity…

I’m hyper-upset that my hypersensitivity is still with me,
And I hyperly fear its energy destroying me,
Yet..
Although I don’t believe in excessive and/or painful pressure to achieve or arrive anywhere
Giving up I still consider a reasonable regret,

My hypersensitivity may make others uncomfortable if not hypersensitive around me unless they know how to respond healthily consistently diligently,

My hypersensitivity distracts and confuses me,
It blinds me from relaxing,
With clouds of over-analyzing,
Instead of helping me realize and remember,
What I could more truly be appreciating,

Such as that my hypersensitivity,
I feel is CERTAINLY,
Not even close,
To the clearest,
Deepest,
True infinite essence of me

I haven’t lost it yet,
I’m trying to stay as safe as possible,
With all I carry due to past and present struggle,

If my inner pain builds so much,
Then if a customer or whoever decides to displace their anger or whatever painful emotion on my since I’m a target others can step on easy,
Causing me to explode and put my present and future in jeopardy,
Well..
I’ve had enough already,
I tried so hard already,

I’m still going regardless,
I’ll never, NEVER give up,
But if one final painful drop,
Causes me to blow up,

Well..
I tried,
And tried,
And tried,
Hard, harder and so much longer..

I know I have more options instead of deciding to be daily brutally respected,
Or exploding and winding up dead,

But well,
I haven’t lost it,

I’m,

STILL WITH IT,

Even though my learning, social, emotional, higher than “typical” challenges and resulting bad experiences make me harder to be adequately typically inner peacefully “with it”,

Well..
I still haven’t lost it,

Not yet,

I’m still with it!!

….

So I wrote the first part of this on break and now I’m back on lunch break..
And as expected in a hectic retail environment with someone with learning disabilities I faced many challenges with patrons and varying micro and sometimes macro aggressions whether it’s because I’m blocking the way or can’t answer questions such as today when one customer aggressively asked me,
“WHERE’S THE GATORADE!?”
and I asked,
“WHERE’S THE GATORADE?” to considerately clarify his question,
And of course he responded with a microaggression by exclaiming..
“YES!!”
And I said,
“Sorry I’m new, you’ll have to ask someone else”,
Then he turned away and shook his head aggressively as I predicted he’d do,
And I said,
“So sorry!”
And he carelessly, angrily ignored me, and although I didn’t have time to know his whole past, present or likely future story,
I still got offended because I felt intimidated and that he was another bully who displaced his painful inner emotional and/or physical place at me,
Since he had a reason,
Since I couldn’t answer his question..

Yes..
MOST LIKELY I’ll encounter varying forms of unexpected and expected aggression,

I know I’m STILL ACCOUNTABLE for giving off energy that’s helpful,
Yet,
When I feel alone in my effort,
Regardless of others true effort,
That just makes it a much more painful effort..

And even though where I work I’ve heard is recently considered to overall be “one of the best retail environments”, Or “one of the best” general work environments I’ll therefore most likely encounter..?
Since I still struggle to handle it,
That makes me immensely fear for my future if I’ll ever find an adequately suitable environment ..

And I don’t want more intense experiences that I feel pressure to write and/or rhyme about,
Because that can easily take me out of the moment and make it more difficult to focus,
Making me an even easier target for a customer to get upset at me..
Since my emotions distract me internally,
Making my imperfections more noticeable,
adding to my inner struggle and making it more likely I’ll lose control..

And well,
At least I haven’t lost it yet,

I’m still in it,
I’m still,

With it

This is only the first draft,
And I just wanted to post this before my lunch break ends,
Because when I go out there,
I never know when it’ll be the end..

Yes at any point it can end,

But I’m still here and will NEVER GIVE UP,

Regardless of the end

So far I’m adjusting the best way I can,
However,
As time passes,
Whether or not problems occur,

I’ll See,
If I’m not impaired to the point of not being able to literally, figuratively or however see,

So I will see,
If I can still somehow adequately,
See

The less I channel my attention in a needed direction,
The more likely my needs will go unmet,
And the more in danger I’ll put myself of getting trapped in a deeper and and deeper painful hole,
Regardless of level of awareness and regret,

Of course,
My obsessive compulsive insecurity slows me down while building a long term life plan,

Now that I’m 26,
If I did not have learning and emotional challenges the way I do,
I would be doing way better,
I would’ve been slowed down way less and experienced way more,
Of what is more happier, peaceful, however beautifully meaningful,

But even WITH learning, social, emotional and whatever other challenges I have,
If I didn’t have the same level of bad experiences that gave me the same level of insecure, counterproductive behavior,

The WOW!!
My life could have been so much better,

If ALL my motivation was on practical goals,
And NOT once in any irrational obsessive holes,
Then I would,
Insanely more likely,
be surviving,
Even with my learning and social challenges..,
Just fine!!

But having learning and social challenges which PRODUCED even more challenges and/or vulnerabilities due to bad experiences, due to innate higher than typical challenges and/or vulnerabilities,
Has developed and kept my trapped in an insecure obsessive mindset that has been a major THREAT and/or hindrance to not only creating but living in alignment with any viable long term job blueprint,

And if I could have understood the “big picture” better,
The life blueprint and/or life plan I would have created would have been far, far clearer and I would be NAVIGATING through it FAR easier,

Yes..
It’s hard knowing and ESPECIALLY hard experiencing that most of my motivation is TOO INADEQUATELY invested in PRACTICAL long term life decisions,

But regardless of any destinations,
My head is still and will remain up,
And as for working towards any direction even when I don’t want to,
Or feeling the immense obsessive compulsive inner weight, immense hindrance and/or resistance the way I do,
I’ll NEVER give up on doing what I KNOW I’m supposed to,

I’m trying to do,
the best I presently know how to

My superiors,
always hold me to standards, Which I often assume..
Have always been and always are way easier for them to meet,
I try so hard,
Yet always feel beat,

I keep going regardless of the level I predict painful defeat,
Staying more and more true to my beliefs I try to more consistently repeat,

As for good spirit,
I do my best to earn it,
I feel I,
Deserve it,

Although I’m part of it,
I deserve to feel as much as I can of it,
To the most of my capability in any present,

I don’t know how much clearer I need to describe this..?
For one,
When there’s no pressure whatsoever,
I express or use words WAY better,

Therefore,
If it’s always the less pressure,
The clearer we are internally for clearly emanating our expression externally,
And if I know that what I’m going to express will go and may remain publically,
There will always be some level of pressure in me whenever and wherever I’m at in the process of crafting, building or however I’m working on what I plan to expressively display publicly..
To the emotional, judgmental, harshly critical world outside of me,

So I guess expressing myself,
In whatever form,
Unless it’s recorded without my knowing,
Or assuming my awareness may always “predict” recording or somehow capturing for storing or archiving when it’s literally occuring assuming it’s not the paranoid part of me,
That I’ve suffered from immensely.. and May again knowing me..?

Not to worry,
But the point is,
The best, clearest expression of my overall capability,
May be expressed where barely anyone (if anyone) gets to see,

And if the external always produces some form of pressure in me,
Well,
Maybe the clearest expression,
such as a clearly worded realization,
May never exactly manifest out of me exactly as it occurred in me,

And of course,
I try so hard with carrying so much inner weight making it so much harder and since others may not see it and therefore won’t relate,
They may NOT feel I’m trying to earn what I need,
They may NOT feel I deserve what I need,

But I know I’m trying to earn more peace, happiness and good spirit,
And I still feel that I deserve more of this,

I feel that to be aware of the bad to know or experience good,
I guess I could,
Still NOT be required to experience the “bad”,
At least NOT excessively, brutally bad..?

To understand the exact opposite end of a spectrum,
I don’t feel you always have to experience the exact opposite painful other end of the spectrum,
So if I was have the best time I ever had, and never experienced the opposite but felt I had to, I would then be frightened of what’s to come,
Or maybe the way I worded that didn’t make sense but was just dumb..
I also try to avoid regressing into states that are too unaware and/or numb..
And although I believe I used that rhyme before..
I still try to always make better efficient word usage,
Even if it entails using words or rhyming syllables I feel important better..
Sorry if I got too sidetracked..
I’ll try to get back and remain on track..

Okay so as for me deserving what I deserve, while going through the day,

I must inwardly understand how to be clear to externally clearly avoid danger..
I must be aware of more detail so I can clearly tell how to presently and for the long term,
Feel well,

Finding and sticking to good health options in an emotionally painful environment on your own for me,
Hasn’t often been going sufficiently well..

Quickly lifting my spirits to block out more (never all) inner pain for working as hard as I’m required to work,
and staying as focused as I’m required to stay focused,
and getting enough sleep I must get,
And remaining as calm and as in control as I must remain,
When others who are also struggling in pain can’t stand my learning, social and emotional challenges,
Regardless of how much they understand but still..,
Can’t stand me and displace their pain on me since I have ZERO power and ZERO authority over anybody..
Maintaining my own self-control and sanity with all that builds in me often feels for me,
Impossible to internally heal, cleanse or clear healthily,
So I’ll try to “fix myself quickly” to “wake myself and my spirits” up through excessive (now I try getting more sugar free) Red Bull, Monster or whatever boost of energy,
And I’ll take sleeping pills like seroquel..
To stay on track,

And while knowing I’m destroying myself by blocking out all the pain that has built up in me from my level of autism,
I’ll become more cynical,
I’ll become more fearful of destroying my health and destroying my life even more..,
And since I talked about this in my post “All I Ask”,
I still struggle like I have before and before .. similar to what I said in my post as the title states that there’s “Always More”..
So since I have,
In certain ways,
Try harder to remain more typically on a “typical” life track,
All I ask,
Again,
Is that since I feel I’m still trying to earn more and more,
I still feel I deserve more and more,

And well,
With my emotions I still miss lots of detail,
And well,
I hope somehow.. (although describing this process in great microscopic exact detail might not be necessary now..),
I hope that..
Or wish that,

Of course,
With proper knowledge and support,
I wish that doing good,
Causes me to receive more good,

Whether that’s creating good energy, causing it to be more likely that those around me will respond more helpfully..
Whether my good awareness will contribute to others helping my consciousness due to wanting to give forth as a result of them feeling appreciative of my good helpfulness..

Since it’s called “good”,
We all want to feel good,
I would guess,

Yes,
I would guess,
We all try to feel good even if our natural environments have made us unaware and bad.. Which can be very sad,
But in my belief,
Since we all come from energy that in one of the manifesting ways, manifests in beings who want a good experience,
Although we may need to practice at VERY different levels to attain the same level,
our entitlement to it remains unconditional,
(Obviously in my opinion regardless that it may not always come across as humble.. but please benefit me with your doubt, I try NOT to write for clout (I obsessively chose to use that rhyme..), since although I fail, I always try and still have and carry lots of painful struggle),

Also,
If I ever need words,
Or whatever means of expression,
Or particular energy,
Or impression for survival,
Then the more I follow a TRUSTWORTHY practice that’ll help me grow,
The more equipped I’ll be for survival,

(It’s hard feeling too alone and not adequately supported and joined in this effort by most around me though..)

And of course with my atypically higher emotional and learning challenges that have worsened over the years due to all my challenges,
I know MORE THAN EVER,
How important it is for myself to practice good spirit,
Peaceful alertness and awareness for not only to experience a sufficient or best possible experience,
but for me to continue manifesting in my present physical form of existence,
Regardless,
Aside from working towards,
I always wish for a better feeling experience,

And in my belief,
We can open up to what we may need or what may help us experience the best,
Without needing great pain,
But through adequate trustworthy support along a path of opening,
Of course,
Subsequent to initially discovering,

If ever faced with whatever level of pain,
In my belief,
We’ll always NEED proper teaching and support,
If it’s healing, opening, and utilizing what we’re experiencing.. or whatever is the best way(s) of describing, that of which we seek to attain and perpetually increase and sustain,

Speaking for myself (as always),
Yes..
I know I struggle at doing this,
However,
I’m trying to continuing earning good spirit,
Yet I feel I always deserve it..

Also,
If I’m forming thought connections and my connections go off in wrong and/or circuitous directions,
I may create excessive thoughts or grow my head LARGER than it needs to be speaking figuratively..
For one,
As I mentioned in my post “Head”,
When I was an infant,
My head did grow disproportionately large due to trying to correct itself..

As for over-thinking, over-explaining, over-analyzing or over-anything.. I’m working on conserving, organizing, and however correcting,

Well..

As the title says,
I’ll say it anyway,

I feel I’m always,
Still earning,
Always deserving,

Of course,
Good and everlasting improving experiencing,

And whenever I revise a post..
Somehow,
I’m always finding more to add and somehow change..,
So something I wish to attain is obviously less overall obsessiveness perfectionist inhibiting my creativity,

And since in my belief,
New ideas are infinite and in my belief each new I idea can be infinitely expanded,
Such as in infinite depth, clearness or height,
Such as that idea..
So I feel I deserve less painful impulses to always feel a need to create a new post to discuss any new or clearer ideas.. etc..

And now,
although I have lots more to say..
I’ll try to explain less obsessively..
I’ll just end with to emphasize my belief that,

I’m still earning,

Always, or..

Unconditionally deserving,

Thanks again so much,
For reading 🙏

Aside from my hypocrisy and however else my writing may one day,
if ever,
help my life,
Since a large intention I try to keep when writing is to help myself and others go through the present throughout each day, month, year, life, and continue on however long,

I must remain focused throughout my day,
So if I’m at work and say a thought comes up in me that says,
“If you forget any truths before you have a chance to write them down, they will likely still come back clearer and deeper”,
So I must NOT get distracted or in trouble not only for myself but so I don’t cause trouble..,

(I also believe I thought of this before hearing this, however I’m sure many others are to some extent aware of this..)

So anything that comes to me that I crucially want to express,
Or keep to whatever degree of desirability,

So I don’t lose focus and cause harm to myself or any others,
I must remember whatever is true,
May always come back later, in a way that is clearer, deeper, or however more true,
Especially if I stay true,
To what will continually expand, deepen and/or clear my experience that is true

To break down “working smarter and not harder”,
For one,
The word “working” may imply “hard enough”..
However I also want to say that:

The less I see the big picture,
The more I suffer,
Since I work excessively harder,
And make my life harder,
Which is more unhealthier,

The less aware I am,
The more susceptible I’ll be to trying to find external substances to feel better,
So I’ll harm myself by being less aware..
Since I’ll look externally,
Instead of finding what I can appreciate internally,
Since my attention will be less internally aware,
Since my attention will be less aware of all there is to appreciate,
So it will more likely gravitate,
To harmful substances,

So there,

The more I see the “big picture”,
The more aware I’ll be,
Hence,
The more I’ll clearly see,
Including what I must avoid,
That will harm me,
And the more I’ll clearly appreciate,
All there is naturally,
That may make the moment feel better, or great,

Yes,
I struggle at this,
But I just also wanted to discuss about this

They get mad at me TOO much,
They scare me into apologizing TOO much,
My awareness is painfully in touch,

They may understand but regardless can’t stand my learning and emotional challenges,
They reprimand me,
Yet I’M THE ONE APOLOGIZING FOR MY ANXIETY,
I’M THE ONE APOLOGIZING FOR THEIR DISCOMFORT BECAUSE OF MY LEARNING, SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DIFFICULTY!!

THIS SEEMS WRONG TO ME!!
IT SEEMS BACKWARDS AS CAN BE!!
WOW!!
I MUST BE KINDER TO MYSELF!!
SERIOUSLY!!!
FUCK THOSE WHO WERE MEAN TO ME!!!
THEY SHOULD’VE BEEN THE ONES APOLOGIZING TO ME!!!

Every apology to them I made,
Out of fear of those who were cruel to me,
NOT LIKING ME,
I TAKE IT BACK!!!

AS I SAID BEFORE,
MY DAYS OF BEING A PUSHOVER ARE OVER!!

Yes,
It is WAY “easier said than done”,
However,
As for trying to fit in with those who can’t tolerate myself,
Those days, moments,
Are,
DONE!!

I’ll join a new environment and I already don’t fit in,

Why the fuck am I the one apologizing!!?
Why the fuck should I EVER be the one apologizing!!?

For all the cruelness I get,
Apologizing to others for it,
Is one of,
If not my BIGGEST regret,

I have so many regrets..
And I’ll continue to struggle and regret..

And well,
I’m still sticking with it,

Sorry if you were offended by my language,
I just can’t stand others who I fail to avoid being around,
Being brutal towards me

I haven’t yet revised this but still felt an obsessive need to, for now, upload this,
I think?

Second guessing holds me back a lot,
I think?

My trauma made my already worse conditions hold me back even more painfully,
I think?

If I politely ask someone “if you think” I should do something and if they respond by saying “do you think”,
I think they’re being aggressively sarcastic to make me feel worse about myself and less confident so they could feel more secure themselves,
Or maybe if they “ask” the rhetorical question in this case, “DO YOU THINK!?”,
Maybe it could be an emergency and they’re trying to get me to clearly think,
Or expression anger, about my anxiety inhibiting my awareness for me and whoever others, or both, or whatever, or who knows since I can never know for sure,
I think?

I wonder what reading this may cause others to think?
Maybe they’ll think I’m giving OCD too much control over my writing?
Maybe they’ll find my use of words too EXCESSIVE and too INEFFICIENT..
Maybe they’ll tell me to BE MORE CONFIDENT even if they know I know that,
Maybe they’ll want to give me more advice, while knowing I don’t want to hear it, and or knowing I already received the same advice countless times that I’m just DONE with it,
Maybe they’ll NOT respect my writing and just tell me I’m “full of shit”,
I’m not sure if those who give me mean, disrespectful, scathing and unhelpfully critical really get it?
As for having my level of autism,
Did they really experience it?
If they didn’t and if they don’t try to FEEL what I’m saying as opposed to merely surfacely understanding it..
I doubt they’ll adequately emphasize with it,
I think?

No matter what I say here,
And no matter what truth I describe,
No matter their level of insight and ability to give off compassion,
Maybe they still won’t do it,
Maybe they’re sick of it,
I think?

Maybe they’ll be irritated that ending each stanza with “I think” doesn’t flow well,
Maybe they’ll be even more irritated since I admit it, deeply, clearly understand it, yet STILL do it,
I think?

Maybe they think I’m unjustifiably excusing it?
I think?

Maybe even after each question I need to ask here, for the poem and my obsessive requirements if I asked the right question? That was just an obsessive justification,
I think?

I try to clearly think and use words as efficiently as I can,
So I can be HEARD the by others the clearest I can,
And the clearest they can hear me to phrase that different make a point similarly,
I think?

I’m having so, so much thoughts I feel obsessive pressure to write,
And I feel pressure to share the same thoughts only if I can express them more concisely and therefore clearer,
However,
This pressure take me out of the present by taking my attention away from what I can presently appreciate,
At least I’m getting off of my chest through writing what I hate,
I think?

Another random thought I feel obsessive compulsive pressure to share,
Is the truth that I can have the deepest heart to heart with someone,
the biggest agreement about how you can’t trust others and talk about past falling outs and tell that person about having a heart to heart,
yet that relationship to whatever degree of expectedly or unexpectedly still fell apart,
And that same person can still tell me that I have a “lot to offer”,
They may say “you’re a great writer”,
And they may tell me “you will become like those you hang around”,
And they may tell me “choose friends wisely because you can’t trust so many”,
Yet no matter how infinitely deep in infinite ways our friendship or heart to heart with that person may be,
Our friendship may still fall apart,
BRUTALLY,
I think?

The same friend who taught me so, so much truth,
May be the same friend I have a brutal “falling out” with,
I think?

However,
I’ll still value the goodness that came through that bad experience forever,
And even if it brutally ended forever,
I can still keep with me,
The goodness that person offered me,
In whatever form to whatever degree,
Forever,
I think?

I ask “I think” obsessively to post another post,
To try to sound as humble as presently believe I and everyone should,
No matter how “good” or “great” they became,
I think?

So,
No matter how much, how deep and/or clear we admit our greatness,
We’re still responsible to make others feel good and make it easier to alleviate any form of pain, such as envious sadness,
I THINK?

Even though I may go on and on in infinite directions in infinite depths or heights with these questions,
I feel I have asked enough questions,
I think?

My obsessive compulsiveness is giving me inner discomfort and sadness for obsessively focusing on how much “I think,”,
I think?

Even though I already implied I don’t need to keep asking it,
And/or ending each stanza with it,
Obsessive compulsiveness is continually giving me shit,
I think?

I think I don’t need to ask it again but still feel stuck in the obsessive force to do so..
I think?

Okay.. I really hope this is the last time,
I think?

I really believe or wish that, as with all my writing, infinite new important thoughts, or important feelings, may arise and expand in infinite important directions,
I think?

Wow..
Like I learned at my job orientation,
“Perfection is unhealthy”..
That might be paraphrased and I doubt I need to cite it since it’s common knowledge..
I think?

Well..
I would guess that perfection is unhealthy because it’s rules take out attention away from needed spontaneity, creating EXCELLENT creativity, and clearly thinking to attain sufficient or EXCELLENT ways of being.. Which are some reasons why I believe the place I went to orientation at values “excellence”,
I think?

I prefer to NOT cite that, I don’t think I do,
I prefer NOT to disclose where I work,
I believe it’s my right of privacy to,
And I believe I’m allowed to write and included whatever I did,
I think?

Also,
If there’s any non-sequiturs,
Maybe I’ll come back and revise this way more,
However I’m glad I got to write this,
I think?

Aside from all else I’m not proud about and/or feel bad about,
I’m grateful I can say,
Completing this is something I feel appreciative and good about,
I think?

And yes,
I think,
My thinking,
If not in excess, may help mine and may (if not already) sufficiently assist others as much as I’m required to assist them for my own needs of integrity and whatever they need help that may come from me,
I think?

Today as I was driving down a parking lot street,
A woman at a stop sign to my right almost pulled out and collided with me,
I got offended,
Looked at her as she angrily looked at me,
I got more offended,
Gave her the finger ragefully,
She reciprocated furiously,
After passing her,
I stopped, backed into the nearest opening in the largely vacant parking lot,
Drove to where she was parking in front of “Aldi”,
Then as I stopped I lowered my window,
Yelled out “F YOU!!”
Then as I pulled out of the lot to make a right turn,
A man who saw me yell profusely,
A man who missed the context and hasn’t heard anything about my painful life story,
Gave me a look so judgmental as if he thought I was the “devil”,
I think?

Yep..
I just spiraled into sharing that even though I didn’t plan on it,
Since I knew I’d just experience more of it,
Because I’ve written so much about it,
I think you can guess whatever else is needed to sufficiently describe it,
So I’ll stop excessively explaining it,
I think,

I guess,
To verify anything we experience, or in this case think,
We can always ask,
“I think”,
To double, triple, or however more certain we want to be,
I think?

And I guess,
Truthfully,
Since we exist on the surface,
Aside from that belief of mine,
We can’t totally be EXACTLY certain about anything,
Which may take pressure off from discovering all there is or enough to discover?
I think?

I also think learning in however form can go on forever,
I think?

And regardless of numbers and superstitions,
I think I will now end this,
I think?

I’m not sure if and when I’ll revise this post,
Such as including more stanzas that end with, “I think”,
I’m not sure if I’ll delete this post,
Or however change it,
I think,

Well,
I’m still trying among all my inner resistance,
I believe for the dark moments,
I still have and can attain more of,
Needed resilience,
I think?

Even though I may not have expressed this enough,
I believe what I posted here is still good enough,
I think?

Also,
Although I try to obsessively not use autocorrect,
Although I try not having the computer correct me with spell check,
I still do NOT think I need to obsessively re-write the words or if it grammatically corrects me,
I don’t think I need to obsessively find a different phrase,
Since I could’ve also thought of that regardless if it told me before,
As one reason..
Same if someone suggests I used a different word..
Regardless, these are only some examples..
But,
Writing is about sharing anyway,
And I do NOT think I did anything immoral here anyway,
I think?

Of course I have more..
It’s okay if I’m around those who disagree with me, who have different beliefs or see existence different than me,
As long as their beliefs do NOT cause me pain excessively!
As long as their beliefs do NOT cause them to give harm to me!
They can believe whatever they like,
But they must not cause suffering to themselves and me,
Aside from my belief that it doesn’t heal the causes and that it doesn’t help me see clearly,
I think?

I think anyone I trust can act unexpectedly unpredictable,
Even if I see it coming,
I think it is crucial I consistently practice self-control to avoid as much trouble as possible,
I still unfortunately may struggle for survival,
I think?

I wish for it to feel better,
I think?

I don’t “think”,
I know,
Even though,
“What does it TRULY mean to ‘know’?”
I think?

I’m now having OCD to write about every common phrase or exclamation in my posts of creativity that occur in the exact part of each new stanza repeatedly, exactly, consecutively..
Really!

As I said, implied (or both) in my last post,
These requirements take my attention too much OUT of the creative moment,
Really!

I’m still repeating that my bad experiences due to harder learning, social and emotional challenges.. or however I’m psychologically challenged harder, have given me brutal insecurity which manifests in “OCD”,
Such as,
in this case, trying to say the exclamation “Really!” at the end of each stanza and acknowledging how I’m also building up to do it right now,
like with “ya know” in my last post..
Really!

And instead of saying “killing two” or many “birds with one stone”,
I was obsessively reluctantly trying to be what my OCD says as PC to “pick another term” such as “scoring many goals with one ball”..
which then may cause my OCD to say, “well, the word ‘goal’ implies pressure”, Then I’ll get more pressure to find another metaphor,
Therefore feeding then getting more OCD so I’ll choose to say, “heal many people with one source”, since “source” is not “medication”, which may imply psychiatric prescription, which in my belief is needed primarily for emergency but can be used and prescribed (if not recreationally (or both)) harmfully excessively,
And due to OCD,
The word “source” is more “PC” than even “practice” because I worry about people assuming stuff like “he’s trying to convert us” so as you can see,
OCD comes out of my excessive fear-based mentality,
Which may arise and go in infinite directions,
Giving me infinite pain which you may see regardless of how much I indicate and explain..
And yes,
OCD does cause my unsatisfied ego attention to focus on something that “will make me feel ‘good’” which it “must do before facing fears” of “growing up” in this case (more specifically, supporting myself by what I consider as being adequately “economically ‘self-sustaining’”),
However,
OCD always wants more and will always be a force to obsessively make me run away from my fears instead of assisting me when facing them..
Really!!

Although with all there is out there,
That I must beware,
The worse I’ll feel,
The more I feed obsessive compulsive behavior against my belief of being an integral, societal,
self-sustaining individual,
Living sufficiently in alignment with their integrity,
Really!

And yes,
The stanza above the one that’s above this one,
Is long,
Due to OCD,
And because of me waiting for the right moment to end it with “Really!”,
Yes,
Really!

And same as in my last post,
That last stanza was meant to obsessively use the ending “really” again, same as this one, and same as this poem is another post adding to my obsessive goal to take a picture of having well over one-hundred posts,
Really!

That obsessive compulsive goal remains too much and too unnecessary for me to try to explain,
Really!

And yes,
I may delete many posts I’m not proud of,
Posts that I feel were posted for quantity too much more than creativity,
Really!

And yes,
I could do another poem like this starting every stanza with “and yes”..
But I probably won’t try to obsessively prove that,
Because I also really want to honor NOT feeding obsessive compulsive posts,
However, instead honor my free right to post,
By making the most of each post as I said in “Still Accountable”,
Really!

And yes,
Although these posts have an obsessive compulsive number goal..
I do feel I somewhat proved that right there..
Yes!
No actually..
Really!

And it is part of my accountability and/or moral responsibility and/or integrity according to me,
Really!

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to end these stanzas with “Seriously!”,
but I guess it wouldn’t make much difference,
If any,
Really!

Even if my mentality is driven excessively obsessively,
I can still find someway,
To still accept the present that I don’t prefer,
Finding the best in the worst inevitable moments is always the best I can do,
According to me,
Of course,
Really!

I can go on and on with this same exclamation pattern,
But I believe I said enough,
If not more than enough,
Really!

I also may include it at the end of a stanza here and there as I’ve done in poems after the first consistent question, exclamation, or whatever I deliberately repeated in the exact part of the stanza.. And I feel I should once again try not to explain anything new I notice that may also be implied,
Really!