Ya know??
There’s always some other person, people, or multiple beings.. (if not the same (or both))
Who always are causing me some shit,
Regardless of how much they’re intending it..
But really..
I just don’t want more pressure to write about it,
Because I already wrote so,
so much,
and it just piles up and gets disorganized in my Google docs..
Ya know??

Ya know..?
I’ve written about enough,
And having more provocative, and/or painful experiences that I don’t want to stress about HAVING to share or put out there,
Is VERY rough,
Ya know??

I know..
I know..

Ya know..?
This world for me,
Has felt hard enough,
But as I said in my poem titled “Always More”,
Yep..
There will just be more,
Ya know??

And I hope to respond in ways that don’t feel as painful as before,
Ya know??

I know..

Ya know..?

And while writing this,
I feel pressured to say “ya know” a certain amount of times,
Which just inhibits my creative expression and doesn’t make me feel as good about me crafting my writing creation,
Since the requirements distract my attention..

YA KNOW!!??

There,
I met two “requirements” by self-analyzing my struggles,
I talked about obsessively wanting to say “ya know” a certain number of times and rhetorically said or asked it again to emphasize the effect like what I’m about to do again..

YA KNOW???

Yes,
I know..

At least somehow, Ya know

Due to bad experiences that have worsened my already worse learning, social and emotional challenges:

I’m always missing more,
As a result,
From life,
I get less,

I can’t just breeze through it,
Make jokes that everyone loves and play the big funny idiot,
Because I am literally that,

And others are lucky that they don’t have to struggle with that,
Yet,
They don’t like me,
Because they don’t understand it,

I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this painful bullshit,
At least,
I haven’t yet lost it

Since I’m STILL obsessively compulsively posting,
Since my posts have presently turned into a “numbers game”,
Since I’m nearing one hundred posts,
Since I sold out to the obsessive compulsive forces,
Largely,
Since the post ego validation attempt number temptation got a lot stronger..
Since I’m going through a personal transition period which triggered lots of obsessive desire to share what I’m writing..
Since I HOPE that you are not getting overloaded with emails if you are one of my subscribers,
Since I appreciate your support,
Since I hope that there’s an option that either allows you to receive one notification with changing numbers assuming I upload far more than one post in a day.. So I don’t overload your emails and negatively affect your day..
Since,
I hope to NOT learn the hard way,
Since I feel I’ve learned FAR,
FAR more than enough that way..

Anyway..

No,
I will NOT “just say it”,
Since,
Cancel culture may misinterpret it,
Since,
Others may give me death or maim threats because of how they, their trauma, and inflated victim mentality and sense of entitlement misunderstood it,
Since,
Others may slander me,

Since many with control over me,
Can’t control themselves such as their wrong judgments and assumptions they make about me which may have to do with something they took out of context which I shared with good intentions publically,
Including this since others may assume whom I’m referring to,

But I’ll say that,
I’m REFERRING TO ANYONE, ANY BEING OF ANY GROUP OF ANY SPIRITUAL AND POLITICAL TEACHING,
So NO,
I am NOT intending to promote categorization, hate and division,
I believe you know that,
Regardless of what the sides of me my posts may show,
Deep down,
Peace is the way I believe we ALL MUST GO,

Not because anyone “said so”,
But because we KNOW,
What causes harm, confusion, harmful, destructive violence and delusion!
Yes,

Peace and true levels of meaningfulness remains my intention,

So no,
For many reasons that we know,
For many reasons we can create as we know,
I will NOT “just say it,”

I do have FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION,
I try NOT to abuse it,
I try to make what I say AS CLEAR AS I CAN so others do NOT misinterpret it..

Unfortunately,
No matter what,
It is not me,
But only them who can TRULY control that,
But that will NOT prevent me from venturing out of my comfort zone as safe as I can, to live the longest, most meaningful life I can,

Well,
As for you who appreciate what I post,
I trust you understand it,
I trust you won’t get mad at me for it,
I trust you won’t use or abuse it against me,

Although I get paranoid easily,
Since isolation isn’t either good for me,
I seek more of those who I feel are trustworthy,

I seek those who have self-control,
And who will not harm me out of a desperate need for a feeling of great control,

I seek those who know how to respond and heal their pain in a way that does not cause themselves and others more pain,

Oh yes,
I try to avoid those who operate in vain,

I seek those who treat me with respect,

Without being too judgmental,
I seek those whose presence for me is,

Truly,
Deeply,
Beneficial

If you’re a hater,
Please don’t get offended since I’m speaking for myself,
Since I’m utilizing my right to free expression which I’m also entitled to,
Same as you,

So,

Why would I try to be “GANGSTER”!!?
Why would I “try to be some other POPSTAR!?”
Why would I “try to be someone” who I don’t most NEED to be!!?
Why would I try to embody some way of life I KNOW WILL AT SOME POINT BE EXCESSIVELY HARMFUL OR DANGEROUS FOR ME!!!!?

Of course,
Why on earth would I rationally choose to make my life WORSE!!?

I’m grateful I have a lot to lose,
So I don’t decide to throw my healthy awareness away in booze,
Or however I destructively choose,

I try to find the best environment and be the person that is best for who I truly am,
So please stop with these assumptions,
Please stop with all this hate, aggression, and hostility,

Since in my belief,
It is TOXIC for EVERYBODY,

I’m still searching for attaining and sustaining better, healthier energy,
To fill in me,
To help myself and those around me,
To the best of my present ability

I know I didn’t do what I said in my last post,
Since already,
Here’s another post,

Huhh..

If I can’t control what I post online,
I hope that technological innovation helps to protect my reputation,
all the time,

That being said..

How is beating me up and verbally abusing me going to cleary,
“break me down”, to “build me up”?

How will I “see the light” if I’m filled with more forms of pain, paranoia and darkness?
How will I “open up” if I’m threatened and/or literally beat up and shut down!!?

How will I learn the same lesson if I learn and perceive differently!?
If what “helps” some,
Has a different or WORSE effect on me!!?

How will mistreating and punishing me,
CLEARLY teach and/or awaken me!!?
How will it inspire me to join with and trust everybody!!?

Seriously,
I’m trying to see as clearly as I can,
So I can make the best,
most practical decisions that I can,

Not to sound overly-entitled,
However,
I really hope that WordPress.com protects those like me who post,
As well as those who receive posts,
So incase I lose control of how and what I post,
Others will still be there instead of abusively using what I post against me,
Then ghosting me permanently,

If we mostly carry bad,
unclear energy,
Then how can we clearly teach ourselves and others, the most practical,
clear way to go through our physical manifestation we manifested and still manifest in,
in this reality?

How can we live clearly?
To see what we need to see,
To experience reality,
To the BEST of our ability!?

I ask these questions,
I repeat these beliefs,
To try to understand more clearly,
To help myself,
And to do my present best,
To help however I can,
The most,
I presently can

I’m reluctantly obsessively posting for quantity,
I’m well aware,
The more I aim for quality,
The BETTER QUALITY,
my creative written expression is!!

Unfortunately,
I’m stuck in OCD,
I’ll regret the posting in obsessive excess eventually,
Still,
Thanks for baring with me,

I don’t believe in it,
Yet,
I’m succumbing to the opposite,

I just can’t tolerate it,

I feel like I felt when others,
Who were trying to help me feel more comfortable,
Out of my comfort zone,
Ended up viewing me as an,
Embarrassment,

I will try to hold off on posting again,
Starting now,
Since I must regain my handle on it,

I’ll have trouble paying attention,
I’ll get very offended with literal or what I assume to be other’s frustration,
And that’ll just lead to more harmful confusion,
Whether it’s just for myself and/or everyone..

I know,
Such as with my posting,
My decisions not only impact me,
But everyone who decides to read my posts for any amount with whatever present awareness degree,

I continue to put online,
A type of energy,
Which comes from what I’m experiencing when crafting a post presently,

Obviously,
I’ll consider if I feel a need to delete posts,

?

I have other recent first drafts of writing that are STILL underway,
Which I’m greatly EXCITED to post,

I just need to,
ONCE AGAIN,
Slow down,
And consider,
How I post,

So people don’t get annoyed with me, act mean to me directly and eventually ghost me.. (for example),
Since,
I know I also can make a decision,
To make it more likely,
That others will appreciate me,

Although I would assume many of us know,
That when it comes down to it,
Speaking for myself as you know..
I have zero control over,
What other individuals can decide to have more control over,
Such as how and why they respond to me to whatever extent they do or don’t ongoingly,

For those of you who have responded to my posts helpfully,
Thanks again for supporting me

I’m still stuck in obsessive posting to get well over 100 posts,
I hope I’m not overloading your email notifications assuming you get a new one each time I post..
I’m guessing it’ll go to spam,
I’m hoping this isn’t an issue..
That is affect you,
Due to my obsessive insecure behavior issues..

Well..
I would assume the if I made one post,
That same email would just say I made 2, 3, or more posts instead of sending you (my subscribers) a new email each time,

I still don’t know well how WordPress.com works and I haven’t typically kept up to date with technology ..

I could’ve got obsessed and hyper-focused with something more mainstream but I just didn’t,
regardless that my behavior is “atypical” and not “mainstream”..

Aside from other obsessive goals,
My OCD wants me to take a picture of having more than 100 posts,
and once I do that the OCD says “then you can revise and form what you posted into a book” if you want .. ?

Well..
I feel trapped in the obsessive current..
I hope this doesn’t cause me too much public embarrassment,
Yeah,
I’m jealous of others who can just NOT feed into it!!
Those who can “just do it” and can’t emphasize with why I struggle!!
It’ll help my feelings out if they’re reasonably humble..
Since according to me that would be moral,

However,
If I get verbally cyber-attacked,
I’ve already had a lot of it,
And I’ll just prepare for more of it,

Regardless,
As for STAYING TRUE TO MY TRUE BELIEFS,

I’m,
STICKING WITH IT,

Sure,
I’m still obsessively posting,
And I’m trying to stop,

But no one will shut me down,

NO ONE,

Yeah I know I’m showing signs of being I guess, TOO FAR from perfect,
However as for writing,
I’m still sticking with it,

Maybe I’m shooting for numbers more than I should?
However.. I’m still remaining aware of what I’m posting,
As much as I presently can..

Well,
I’m trying,
And if I didn’t feel good about posting this,
I would not,
So here it is,

Thanks for reading,
Liking,
Staying subscribed or however you’re helping me feel that these posts are at least somewhat worthy 🙏

When I don’t know what to do with my life I often feel advised to just “do what I want”,

?

If everyone just “did what they want”,
Would there be enough peace and stability?
Probably,
Since,
WHO TRULY WOULDN’T WANT THAT??

As long as we’re in touch with that,
I would guess our true good nature wants that?
Since our nature is to always experience life better,
So who wouldn’t want that?

If everyone just did what they want,
Would there be enough needed jobs to sustain society and to get everyone enough resources?
Well since we’re doing what we want,
We definitely WANT our needs to be met,
So should “doing what we want” really be interpreted as a huge civilized threat ?

I’d guess that, We all WANT the best life possible,
We all TRY to do what we believe we should,
We all TRY to do what we feel for ourselves in the present that we feel is most practical,

As for wanting to be social,
For me,
The best rule book is,
And really for learning to do anything,
Speaking for myself,
The best teaching is,

What is most practical?

So doing whatever we want,
May help us do what is most PRACTICAL,
Since if we’re not practical,
How can we TRULY do and experience life the best way we want ?

So yes,
I’m doing my best to do what I want,

Don’t we want the best, healthiest, longest lasting peace and happiness?

Wouldn’t we rather do what we struggle with now so we don’t struggle more later,
Who would want to struggle more?

Who would want that?

So yes,
We could just do what we want,

I would logically guess

?

But do we always TRULY do what we TRULY want 

?

Since I could not find where I stored this in which poetry document,
I decided to retype it..
If I find the original,
And if that is a better version,
I’ll cut this version out and paste that version instead..
If and only if it is better..

Okay so,

The bullying I talk about is just the tip of the iceberg,
Or the tip of the tip of the iceberg.. etc, etc..
As for number of instances and for how it occurred in me,

I can’t promise to cover more than, if even close to half,
There’s always more disrespect I’ll encounter to different extents on any life path,

Today is another day,
I just arrived home from work and more disrespect as I expect came my way,

For awhile I was waiting at a stop sign, waiting to make a left at a three way intersection,

I get an opening,
Then a guy comes down speeding,
He then flings up his hands in the air without any heart or care,

While I make the turn,
I lower the window then inarticulately try to tell him that “I’ve been waiting and had an opening”, and of course he was impatiently, speeding.. To make a left..

I don’t know his history..

My ego is glad he seemed scared of me after I lowered my window and yelled profusely..
He looked away and gave the finger timidly..
Before he turned left..
Well.. he probably wasn’t scared.. And luckily I really don’t care luckily,
So I don’t go around risking my life to try to intimidate those who are mean to me,

As for this,
Fortunately there were no cars or pedestrians around me since I brutally failed to drive consciously.. Or as my dad told me how he saw a sign that suggested people to “drive with equanimity”..
Yes.. I failed completely..

Luckily I didn’t end up in an institution with psychiatrists or correction officers like him..
That energy in various forms can get me if I don’t properly consciously check in internally,

Today is Halloween,
Three and a half (or so) days before the election,
Maybe Trump will win?
If yes or no I’ll do whatever I can because I’m a fully grown human,
Regardless,

(While typing this a year later, Even though the person I prefered out of the two options won.. Well.. will enough still get done!!?)

This writing helped with some healing but this moment will probably be back..
As it is right now,
Since I’m re-typing it a year later..
The sadness is still there..

Sometimes after moments of mistreatment,
I instantly feel upset,
Sometimes I suppress the feelings to stay focused on whatever I need to be doing in the moment,
But sometimes,
When my attention is less distracted,
The meanness towards me that didn’t then as much upset me,
Really gets to me,
Sometimes unexpectedly..

I want respect,
I want to feel less upset..

And since writing this,
As I predicted,
Yes,
There was way, way more disrespect,

However,
I need to focus on the quality of my writing and revising more,
So I can’t possibly write about every disrespectful moment..

I’ve wrote about enough,
Going back to them when writing is brutal,
It can throw me off..

However,
Aside from my obsessive compulsive blog posting continuing..
And other obsessive behavior that keeps inhibiting the creativity I’m sharing,

Well,
I’ll go back to revising..

As I predicted a year ago,
Of course,
There was more disrespect as there always will me,
I can’t talk about all of it precisely,

For one,
Writing is never EXACTLY like experiences it may be based off of in reality..

Anyway..
I’ll stay focused on creativity,
And won’t let disrespect or meanness, or whatever cruelness from others affect me more than necessary

Yes,
I know that if I seek number of posts more than what I include in a post,
My attention will therefore be less focused on detail of the post,
Giving insecure traumatized critics an easier and easier chance to destroy me in greater and greater detail,

As expected,
Since I’m getting closer and closer to 100,
The obsessive forces are strong again.. And giving me all this new OCD such as posts “don’t count” unless posted “just properly” and it needs to be “more than 100 posts” along with so, so much more irrationality..

And well,
Writing is obviously not a numbers game,
But this OCD is once again inhibiting my expression the same,

It tells me I must “retype” my last post due to a weird techno glitch,
It’s too hard and unnecessary to explain..
However,
Even though,
I know what I intended to type was still there ..
It’s a .. what rhymes with “glitch” due to the last four letters but I won’t say it .. (and since I realized I could just choose “paste as plain text on my phone” so the pastes exactly as it is in my Google document (so the stanzas don’t break up).. spending lots of time hitting the spacebar to form them into stanzas (since hitting “enter” on my computer or “return” on my phone creates a new stanza), it now won’t be an issue anymore for me most probably..)

There’s enough creativity with more than enough disrespect in my belief,

And although there may be different or infinite possible meanings that may expand and deepen infinitely,
Too often..
In my opinion,
Lots of creativity,
Although the song may sound so catchy..
Just fills and fills me with so much negativity,

I won’t blame any particular person,
But lots of creativity does not heal me,

Of course it depends on how I take it in,
What I focus on,

Am I just absorbing negative energy?
Or is there something well intended that I haven’t yet close to sufficiently comprehended?

And I try to have my posts be helpful,
But with this OCD hell,
Well,
For my posts,
It is harmful,

And the last type of energy the world of creativity needs is more painful negativity,

According to me,
We can still view negative reality positively such as doing our best on resisting less and less so we have less discomfort in the bad experience,
And maybe somewhat celebrating that at some point it will pass..
For example..?

And so..
I’ll once again say no,
To what OCD is telling me,

Well,
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

I remember when coming home from work today a year ago,
When waiting for an opening at a stop sign to make a left turn to head towards to light,
The when I turned in front of someone who was turning right,
His hands flung up in frustration,
Then he yelled in irritation,
And I lowered the window,
Stuck the finger out and cursed him out..

And as he was making a left into Mcdonald’s,
He gave me the finger..

Well..
I remember I almost got into an altercation ..

So,
Aside from me obsessively compulsively posting to get more than 100 posts..
Well,
I’ll see if I can find and post that story which explains it more precisely ..

And yes I also wrote a short story which included that,
But for now..
I’ll look for the poem, or shorter version,
Of that wasteful altercation