Since being very aware,

Seems to cause a lot to internally bare,

And since clearing it, to get through the day, Has never felt to have been an easy way, I must stay AWAY, From temptation, To block out inner pain and frustration that’ll ultimately lead to more physical destruction,

Although aware of the harmful effects of abusing any social or prescribed medication, The more I give in, The stronger the temptation,

Hence, I just have to stay away,

Although it may not be easy, I will still have a better opportunity to get more good experience out of life, Since in every moment I’ll be trying to develop that experience,

Yes.. Although there’s no ultimate guarantee, I just must stay away from what will destroy me since feeling a need to block out so much inner past and present discomfort makes me very susceptible,

Hence I need to remain mindful, Or aware, Of how to respond to a lot of awareness so I can make the best of this

I do NOT condone this, This is just based on past tempting destructive experience:

I’ll drink alcohol to block out my level of autism, I’ll drink to go into my relaxed comfort zone when I fear outcomes of staying possibly too much out of my comfort zone and losing emotional control for example,

I’ll drink alcohol since I have an anxious, learning/emotional challenged condition that most others don’t have, I’ll drink more since I need to take off the edge more, I’ll drink since in my past, Others have viewed edginess or anxiety as weakness,

I’ll drink more to stay on the same social relaxed page easier, I’ll drink to block out the pain I don’t want to experience anymore, Yes.. without foresight of possibly creating more pain in the future.. whether it’s greater imbalanced emotions when sober or severe physical pain.. Since I’m primarily focused on relaxing into the “typical” relaxed social atmosphere, Since I have had enough of feeling like an unwelcome outsider, Since I’m not around enough who want to heal the pain in a way that is healthier since it may take longer, Regardless that the natural healthier good high feeling, May feel unexpectedly, EVEN BETTER!!?

Pertaining back to hopeless recklessness, I’ll drink to block out my intense emotions such as anxiety, which worsens my innate paying attention struggles, which have prevented me from paying attention to what I can appreciate in life..

So for myself and others in the social moment, When drinking to block out as much emotional attention distraction as I can, I’ll be less awkward and uncomfortable, Yet more “with it”, and likeable,

I just need to try harder to take off the edge more to feel “typically” happy or peaceful, And when I don’t feel that it is fair to have to work harder for the same good feeling, I’ll succumb to quick fix methods regardless of future outcomes, Hence in those moments, I’d rather self-destruct than live a life that is “harder” to find feelings of peace and happiness than most others,

When I feel it is not fair that I have to work harder, When I feel that I won’t feel close to as “typically” happy and peaceful as most others under equal conditions, I’ll more likely become destructive and trust that if there is some judgmental deity watching me, They’ll know I tried, And will understand, If I can no longer stand my challenges and want to self-destruct assuming that’s my only presently known way I can find peace and happiness,

So since I tried, I won’t be punished for failing, Just saying..,

Of course since I believe we don’t chose the choices we make, Including choosing how we chose to cultivate inner awareness for better choices, It won’t help if we’re punished for our choices since we didn’t chose them, And since punishment traumatizes instead of teaches.. And since I felt an obsessive need to overthink and explain all that, I’ll drink to silence excessive obsessive compulsive thinking like that, So I’ll be more on the same page with others and not trapped in thought as much..

But NO, I plan to stay here, I know I’m equally accountable to morally handle my behavior, And that my decisions affect others,

These are just some more thoughts I wanted to share, Regarding reasons for my social behavior,

However, It’s getting better,

And at least in my belief, The pain, Won’t be as bad or worse, Forever

Lastly, I may revise this more later.. and since I uploaded it on my iPhone at the moment, the stanzas may read differently on a computer.. but even if this beginning draft is far from perfect, at least I got these thoughts that I wanted to share out there

They wonder “why I’m shy”..

Well,

I have a neurological condition,

Bad experiences, that exacerbated predispositions to bad anxiety.. etc, etc,

THAT’S WHY!!!

As for why “typical” people don’t understand this, I would assume it’s because they haven’t had to struggle with this as much and therefore can’t equally emphasize with this..

That’s why!!

(Disclaimer: I get paranoid easily, so if my facts are off, that paranoia is what impinged my awareness..)

If I’m repeating a lot of this,
Well, as I say,
It’s still what I’m continuing to struggle with,
So I’ll continue writing about it:

Since traumatic social experiences, such as being cruelly judged by others gave me great fear of judgment,
Since my excessive fear of judgment got me cut from the middle school, freshman and JV baseball team after hours and hours of training,
And since excessive fear of judgment during any live performing,
Whether it’s juggling, writing, or anything,
Inhabits my awareness,
Hence,
Immensely inhibits my ability even regardless of how much I’m aware of this,
Then that atypically large performance anxiety that others cannot emphasize with to nearly the same degree since they didn’t experience it nearly as bad as me, Those others who function emotionally and cognitively typically, or those who are “normal”, end up receiving the wrong impression of me,
Which is VERY BAD for me,

I therefore chose to share what I created in solitude,
Whether it is what I got on video after filming for hours and hours,
Or a completed blog post,
Whether it’s the first draft or whatever revision number,

My writing shows the sides of me,
What I feel,
I can NOT get most others to see,

Unfortunately,
Due to valuing my worth on comparing myself to others,
My ego compulsively wants to be “better” than MANY others in the clearest way possible,

Since writing is largely judged subjectively,
Juggling more objects than most people are presently able to,
Is a way I’ve tried to validate my ego,
In a “clearer” or “more certain” way,

Although,
For me,
Writing is WAY more fulfilling,
Writing is WAY, WAY more gratifying,
Writing makes my life feel more worth living,
Since a big intention is sharing what I believe may be healing,
Or somehow positively contributing,

Yes,
If my ego writing expectations blinds my awareness,
I’m sorry,
However,
You may STILL see through this,
I still hope you have patience,
Or empathy,
Which I believe may always help everybody,

I lost interest in juggling,
But my OCD,
That instructs me,
To spend hours recapturing video clips that may take me months of attempts,
If not longer..
In order to do the trick just “properly”,
With wearing different clothes,
Due to body figure insecurity,
Due to counterproductive inefficient perfectionism,
Due to wanting to be “better than others”,
Since I’ve always felt inadequate due to my label..
Due to my culture that seemingly, ideally believes in selflessness,
Yet seems to largely succumb to the opposite of this regardless of how aware we are of this when succumbing to this,
Hence,
I also got greatly sucked in,
to the tempting ego excess,

Which is a reason why I STILL have not tried hard enough to get my short stories published,
Which is a reason why I STILL do not have a full time job,
Which is a reason why I’m STILL a virgin and have never been in a relationship..
Largely,
Because with my issues,
I don’t feel that I’ll be meaningfully present,

Although I’m more used to it,
Although I try to prepare myself for it since getting upset won’t make me feel easier,
Being cruelly misjudged, scolded, reprimanded, talked to aggressively sarcastically, threatened physically,
And it would NOT surprise me if many at some point have grown into large rumors?
Being cruelly misunderstood by others who have been BLESSED to NOT have nearly as bad of learning and social/emotional challenges, leading to bullying and causing them to develop BRUTAL insecurity and as a result of desperately leading to “overcompensation”, creating a PAINFUL IRRATIONAL obsessive compulsive condition,
Does make me want to KILL others who I SURFACELY JUDGE as having it “easy”,
However,
The judgment, regardless of how deep or elaborately “justified”,
that I have sometimes perpetuated,
Even in poems I’m glad to have NOT posted,
Is just one side of me which I’m attaining more awareness of for myself and others’ safety fortunately,

Hence,
Sometimes I get really hateful,
Jealous,
Judgmental,
Hence,
As for staying true to my morals,
I remember I’m still responsible,

Oh well..

And of course,
OCD is my ego’s unconscious attempt at focusing my attention in a direction that is less scary,
Such as addressing issues of “how am I going to live on my own with all my vulnerabilities”?
How am I going to SURVIVE and get hired and/or sustain a needed job with my level of performance or impression ANXIETY and the level others MISUNDERSTAND and just can’t stand me!!?
If others want to use my learning and vulnerabilities against me so they have excessive dominance over me!!?
If others decide to use my anxiety against me instead of helping build confidence in me!!?
If others want to exclude me from their comradery completely!!?
If they excessively fear that my learning and emotional struggles will cause too many problems, if not catastrophe for everybody!!?
Hence,
I can’t control and don’t trust who controls my permanent work record,
As well as job reputation,
Since there’s so much judgment, cruelness and assumption that makes it even harder in addition to struggling to handle my challenges paying attention and fragile emotion,
And those who struggle like me I would guess don’t want to be around others who give off more and more of the same insecurity!!?

The next straw of disrespect may always be the one that’ll easily “break my back” and the instigator may add it to a record that I can’t take back ?

And just because we may both have “autism” does NOT mean we share the same beliefs and experiences!!
So,
I can’t trust those like me anymore than I can trust those who inhabit a less learning and emotionally challenged mentality!!
Hence just because I may emphasize more with those who struggle with the same level of autism,
I’m still very much AGAINST tribalism,
Since in my belief,
it doesn’t heal aggressive judgmental division in the system,
And since my true identity, in my belief, is far deeper, far more than just “autism”,
And also,
With all those against me,
How can I stay motivated to develop deeper and longer lasting compassion and empathy!?

Oh it’s a struggle daily,
It’s a struggle frequently,
In the most present of the present,
In the present that can be broken down in detail microscopically,

Once all the pain and disrespect causes me to hit an emotional breaking point,
How am I going to feel I’ll be at least alright with holders of my accountability who instantly misjudge and possibly oppress me, regardless of the level they’re TRULY trying to help me!!?
Aside from all other reasons for OCD and fears,
I think me having brutal obsessive compulsive insecurity is clear,

Writing is in me,
Obsessive compulsive insecurity inhibits me,

My obsessive ego often says stuff such as I just need to do this “one last juggling trick this way and I’ll be free”,
Yet whenever I feed my irrationality,
It always wants more and more unexpectedly,
And the more I feed it,
The harder and harder it becomes to direct my attention away from it,

I know the more I reinforce rationality,
The more I’ll function rationally,

There’s just been too,
Too much irrational insecurity,
That has become so out of balance in me,

IT’S PAINFUL WHEN I KNOW I’M NOT ACCESSING GOOD SPIRIT THAT I CAN ACCESS TO FILL IN MY PRESENT EXPERIENCE!!

IT’S PAINFUL WHEN I FEEL TRAPPED IN AN OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR DARK HOLE!!

I try and try but,
Although we all have different struggles,
obsessive compulsive behavior just seems to have been and still is one of the painfully greater struggles for me .. ?

IT REALLY DOES LOWER MY CONFIDENCE AND INSTEAD GIVES ME LOTS OF FEAR OF SURVIVAL IN ADDITION TO BRUTAL PERFORMANCE ANXIETY!!

Wow,
I wish I FELT MORE CAPABILITY IN ME!!

I’m still waiting for it to pass,
I’m still just waiting,
Waiting,

At least I’m directing my attention right now,
To writing,

If I don’t understand what is commonly understood,
I think based on my writing,
It should be understood that with all my challenges,
All my built up IRRATIONAL OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE INSECURITY,
What comes easy to many,
Is a HUGE challenge for me,
And aside from all the past examples which I wrote and have not yet disclosed,
I think I explained myself sufficiently clearly,
or understandably,

Similar to what I said in my post titled “Precautionary”,
I struggle with the same tasks,
NOT because I’m “lazy”,
But because of what interferes with me internally to an unusual degree,

If I was NOT weighed down by brutal insecurity,
“OCD”,
past trauma that resurfaces in me causing emotional fragility,
Whatever it is I’m carrying in me..,
I sometimes feel, and have often felt recently that,
I would work so much harder and get promoted EASILY,
And others who don’t have what I have,
Aside from all else that gives them pain,
STILL,
They are in those ways,
As I am in other ways,
DAMN LUCKY,

Hell YES!!
It MAJORLY sucks balls having learning, social, emotional and therefore insecure irrational behavior challenges,
It sucks having others mistreat and oppress you to compulsively try and feel more secure and in control!!
It sucks being the victim of others ego insecurity,
It sucks being more vulnerable in environments where everyone is faced with pain, immense stress, pressure and adversity,

If I express this in online comments, (Probably most..)
Aside from being verbally attacked,
I’ll just be viewed as a “troll”..
Or dismissed as someone who lacks needed self-control,

Another (more predictable in this case) obsessive compulsive challenge I’m grappling with is that,
Since this is my “84th post” aside from some I deleted,
my number of posts is becoming closer to 100,
Hence I’m more tempted to SELL OUT,
To OCD to try and feel better about my “ego self”,

Yet,
I have far MORE than 100 non-posted poems which I filmed and put as a private video on my YouTube channel to validate my insecure ego..
Hence,
my irrational insecure obsessive compulsive inaudible mental voice, or force, ALWAYS irrationally wants more,

But always,
ALWAYS,
Valuing QUALITY of creativity,
more than QUANTITY,
Is staying true to myself,

So I guess,
The quality of my future posts,
may indicate,
If I was aiming for the best quality of expressing myself creatively ?
Or if I was just irrationally looking to compulsively block out insecurity,
By aiming for a number of posts instead of aiming for the quality of my next post.. ?

As always,
I don’t know if and when I’ll make another post,

However,
The more I feed irrationality,
The more I function irrationally,

Yet,
The more I feed rationality,
The more I remain in alignment with my commitment to functioning rationally,
And therefore,
To the best of my present ability,

I know,
RATIONAL spirit remains somewhere in me,

Although writing is not the only healing source or outlet,
It is one way,
I can show less obsessive and insecure,
But more ALIVE,
Spirit

I’m grateful for my parents,
I’m grateful for their understanding, patience and acceptance,
If I had other parents,
I might have had very different feelings and experience,

Yes,
Of course I’m also grateful for plenty other people,
I remember,

As for my parents,
My parents didn’t only give me life, “upper-middle” class food, clothes and shelter needs,
My parents gave me humanity,
They gave me the privilege of not painfully pressuring me to reciprocate equally,

My parents read to me,
They gave me needed attention,
Instead of neglecting me,
Instead of leaving me by myself in front of a toxic TV,

I’m grateful that,
My parents,
Would prefer I pay it forward instead of pay them back,
They make me see the good in me,
While many others misunderstand, attack, abusively judge, hurtfully dismiss, or however harm me,

My parents fought for my needs in school,
Instead of selfishly excessively caring if their friends thought they and their kids were “cool”,
My parents STILL accepted me,
and still did NOT shame me,
When I assumed that,
And when it was implied that,
plenty others felt I was a “fool”,

My parents were my close friends in times when others could NOT or did NOT want to be close or friends,
My parents hold me accountable with empathy,
My parents know how to teach me,
Without excessively emotionally traumatizing me,

My parents,
held accountable the school with courage,
So I could find my courage to utilize any innate advantage,
So my needs were also met,
So what I could offer myself and my community could more likely be a needed adequate benefit,

My parents also helped others in the process of seeking and working towards getting their needs met,
Since we agree many systems are NOT sufficient,
Whether it was my dad in the teacher’s union, doing what he could to hold his students, the school administration, and union accountable,
Or my mom advocating for mental health rights, holding clients, the major drug companies and whoever else accountable,
Although there’s many beliefs, facts, opinions and ongoing struggles,
My parents,
In my belief,
Have done an AWESOME job,
At contributing,
To what I view as,
RIGHT,

When I had bad anxiety,
and more emotional intensity than my typical “more than typical” level of emotional intensity that caused sleep deprivation and grandiose delusion,
Instead of sending me to the hospital,
My parents ensured that,
I took a safe amount of medication,
And regained my sanity,
Through staying in the house and through social interaction,
Yes..
many other family members helped me,
But if I had different parents,
I don’t know what would be the present state of my “sanity”,
I doubt that “Open Dialogue” would have been their approach to what I consider one of my extreme periods of difficulty,

I feel accountable to give forth,
To refrain from inhibiting the obsessive compulsive painful dark force,
To refrain from holding grudges,
That hold my awareness and progress back,

I feel accountable to advocate for myself in ways that are peaceful,
Unless the attack is CLEARLY imminent and physical,

I want to utilize what my parents (yes.. among others) provided for me,
So I can give forth and make my presence feel more truly worthy,

Even though I suffer from “atypically”, worse, learning and emotional challenges,
often regarded by others as “disabilities” however intentional or accidental,
Somewhere in there,
My parents compassionately raised,
cultivated or developed,
GREATNESS,
in me,
GREATNESS,
that I feel I MUST do my best to feel and use in alignment with my integrity to the best of my infinitely present improving capability,

My parents helped me realize that,
I can also be great in my own way,
Same as everybody,

My parents did NOT FORCE me to be who THEY wanted me to be,
Hence I’m GRATEFUL,
That my parents gave me FREEDOM,
In addition to what my country provided me,

And I remember,
That if I had different parents,
If I was in a different class,
If I looked differently,
If I was born with less learning and emotional difficulty,
In this or whatever community, county, state, nation, planet, solar system, galaxy, multiverse, dimension..

However different in the same or whatever location,
I’m grateful that my parents,
facilitated in me,
realizations such as that,

I’M MORE THAN MY EGO, LABEL, INSECURITY, AND INDIVIDUAL HISTORY,

I’ll say it again and again,
If they weren’t my parents,
There’d be a different story,

If they,
Were NOT my parents,
My experience,
May differ,
TREMENDOUSLY,

Instead of being shut down,
Instead of being forced on heavy medication,
Instead of constantly being called mean words in a mean context such as the noun, “clown”,
My parents,
Opened me up,
Showed me what it TRULY means to keep my head up,
My parents,
Realized they did NOT need to beat me down below the ground,
Instead,
My parents,
Peacefully and non-traumatically “built me up”,
In my own words,
Partially so if “worst comes to worst”,
A messed up environment would be less likely to mess me up,

It still may,
But thanks to them,
I’m more prepared for the worst adversity,
Or any environment,
or situation..
that is a huge threat to my safety,

Others may say my parents
“spoiled me”,
were “too nice to me”,
“didn’t push me”,
“should’ve hit me”,
“should’ve yelled more, and louder at me”,
“should’ve ‘disciplined’ me”,
“should’ve gave me more ‘responsibility’”,
“‘should’ve cared less about me ‘not liking them’” (as one older woman said indirectly to me in a YouTube comment thread I created that got way more reaction than I initially expected..),
“should’ve raised me ‘properly’”,
“should’ve loved me more ‘conditionally’”,
“should’ve only ‘respected’ me when ‘earned’”,
“should’ve sent me to a ‘special’ school, the ‘ward’, ‘church’ or the ‘military’”,
“should’ve delt with my ‘misbehavior’ more ‘realistically’”,

However,
Aside from VERY understandable reasons other parents do what I may consider a “bad” job at parenting,
Aside from the DYSFUNCTIONAL world we live in that prevents parents from being the best people and parents they presently can be,
Aside from the truth that I do NOT have kids and do NOT intend to be hard on any other parents,

For all else I didn’t mention that MY PARENTS provided me,
And regardless of how “successful” I was previously, presently, or will be,
And in addition to all others I’m grateful for (obviously),

Regardless of whoever thinks me writing this is “TOO WEIRD”,
“TOO MUCH”, me being “A HUGE SUCK UP”,
or however this way of expressing gratitude towards my parents makes them “TOO UNCOMFORTABLE”, “TOO FAKE”, “COOKIE-CUTTER”,
Regardless of whatever judgments and assumptions others may have towards my parents and me,

I’m also GRATEFUL,
that my parents didn’t “guilt me” or shame me into writing this by calling me an “ungrateful piece of shit” (for example),

Yet,
IF they did,
What I might have to say about them,
May be quite different,

However,
Aside that I have so, so much more to say,
I feel a need to say, As well as express, Much, Much more, In a clearer, and clearer way,

If any method of expression can,
Words can’t describe,
how grateful I am,
For the life my parents,

Blessed me

My thinking keeps getting provoked,

Such as.. I’ll read something, converse with someone, have a bad experience with whoever.. Or whatever it could be,

It’s okay if I don’t obsessively write everything down,

I’m trying to slow down,
Overthinking wears me down,

I want to just relax,
Let more thoughts pass,
So I can have less counterproductive pressure,
And feel better,
In life..

I can learn infinitely new truths that may expand in infinite directions, I’d guess,

Regardless,

I would think clearer,
If I did not think in excess,
I would guess..?
Hence the word “excess”..

As for focusing on greater detail,
To discover more of what would entail,
A better experience,
I think that I need to think less,
So my awareness will have more room to appreciate more of what I have to experience,

I’ll be less focused on thought,
And hopefully I’ll experience more self-improving, cleansing,
Experiences

The more I feed irrational obsessive compulsive insecure attention,
The less I function rationally,
Which is crucial to remember,
Since I make this decision,
Constantly,

Where do I want to put my attention?
What are the outcomes for myself and others for each of my decisions?

I must always remember these questions,
Since they pertain to my daily present awareness functioning,

I’m aware that once again,
Over this past year,
I’ve been mostly driven by the side of me that has been damaged, exacerbated, made heavily unaware and insecure,

However I remember,
As of right now,

I can choose to put my attention in what I feel is the most proper direction to obtain and maintain needed power to embody good morals and appreciative life experience,

Although my ego clinging temptations may still be in the background,
I can STILL,
Put my attention to the best of my ability in a rational direction,
Which is the best I can do to experience the best experience I can possibly presently experience,

I wish for infinite improving experience,
Since I still feel inadequately satisfied,
I just thought I’d also write this..

I’m just still trying to make it through this

I hate what causes me fear,
Because fear is painful,
Fear prevents me from seeing clear,

For me,
Fear is another emotion that can get out of control,

Fear causes me to irrationally react to block out the pain it gives me,
But if I do that..
I still won’t see clearly..

Too often,
I feel too alone in my efforts to better myself rationally,
In order to experience more of my present capability,

Fear among other emotional intensity may inhibit my ability to see adequately consciously and rationally for the betterment I have to offer for myself and my community..

Fear of being a “loser”,
Fear of being too “imperfect”,
May make me more susceptible to irrational obsessive compulsive behavior to block out the fear?
Hence,
The unconscious insecure fear,
Is therefore navigating my behavior,

And one trigger of fear is my innate learning and emotional vulnerability,
That was exacerbated by bullies who did harm to me,
Possibly out of similar unconscious fears of themself being the “world’s biggest loser”,
So they unconsciously reacted to that fear by trying to have power over me,
By being brutal towards me,
Out of their brutal fear of being “less than someone as autistic as me”..

And they did this unconsciously,
Since that’s all they knew as an attempt to block out their pain and fear..
By trying to feel better about themselves by brutally blocking out their insecurity and fear that arose in them while in the presence of me due to how they unconsciously reacted to my emotional and learning challenged energy..

The less we put into practice what we know will help us,
The more likely we’ll suffer,
Speaking for myself especially,
But this just makes sense to me..?

Aside from my belief in unconditional respect since not respecting someone may not teach them anything but just exacerbate their suffering..
However I still remember that I try my hardest to give everyone the respect they deserve,
Even if they don’t reciprocate with the same level of effort,

If those who have power over me,
Or..
If those who control me,
Can’t adequately control themselves,

I must not only attain but sustain rational awareness to remember and utilize me rights and freedom,

To protect myself,
To help myself,
So I can be more equipped,
To help,
All else

If doing all I can to survive makes me miserable,
Then what?

If I don’t find a good union,
If my supervisor dismissively mistakes my learning and emotional challenges as laziness,
Then what?

If I’m not on the same page with friends,
If they treat me like shit,
If they’re all and the best I can find,
Then what?

If I realize my life isn’t going anywhere,
Then what?

If I get economically stuck in a needed job for survival which I can’t tolerate,
Then what?

If I’m looking to be heard and if people just give me advice that I already know or just tell me to shut up,
Then what!?

If I lose emotional control,
and if my forced psychological treatment from others who don’t adequately understand or “feel me” puts me in a deeper hole,
Then what?

If I develop a terminal illness due to years of forced psychological treatment in order to remain in control,
Or due to blocking out painful emotion through a bad diet or substance abuse since it would be all I know how to do, and since it’s what I’d be used to seeing others do..
Then what?

If everyone cuts me off because I become too much to handle,
Then what?

If I’m on the verge of a breaking point already,
And if life “throws” way, way more at me,
Then what?

If I get trapped in any situation with ZERO control..
THEN WHAT!!?

If I sincerely ask “then what” and if they don’t trust me then aggressively say “YOU KNOW WHAT!!”,
THEN WHAT!!?

If they threaten to torture me,
THEN WHAT!!?

If they take away my freedom,
THEN WHAT!!?

Ideally speaking,
I can try to accept anything until it’s eventual passing,
But just saying..
Finding my needs,
With my greater challenge is a greater challenge I do NOT look forward to especially given the level of pointless shit I already experienced,

And since life has not yet “thrown a lot at me”,
How can I expect to survive “typically” independently,
Given my atypical adversity..

Yes,
I’m trying writing for a blog,

So even if I get practically no needed success to make enough money to support myself,
Even if my book never gets published,
At least what I have on my blog so far,
Shows that I exist..

Since I’m even greater challenged,
Since it’s hard enough to have a sober, happy, peaceful time for me..
Since I may be surrounded by others with similar and different brutal inner and external adversity who may mostly not be putting the same effort to improve their situation as me..

Finding my needs,
May be brutally challenging..

They said a lot to my face,
I wonder what they say behind my back..?

“Man, that kid is too sensitive..
Zach rhymes with panic attack,
wack,
major fucking lack..”

“He can’t take a joke,
He’s always in his victim mentality,
He only thinks of himself constantly”,

“We try to help him but he never tries himself”,

“Yeah man!
He just looks to blame everyone else!”

“He makes me uncomfortable,
forget being humble,
We know if he doesn’t man up his life will get brutal!”

“The kid can talk, barely tries to walk”,

“If he did more of what he said he’d be less stupid,”

“If he did more of what he likes to say he’d struggle less each day!!”

“WE ALL WISH HE’D JUST GO AWAY!!”

“AHH!! It’s Zach!! He’s back!!”

“Think he heard us?”

“Nah.. and if he did, like he’d have a comeback..”

“So wack..”

“He’s so WEIRD RIIIGHT!!?”

“He thinks we’re bullies but we’re just being honest!!?”
“He assumes we shittalk him but we’re real with him”,
“I can’t stand him and his autism!!”

“RIIIGHT!!?”

As for some of what they say,
That sounds possibly,
exactly right..

?