It’s hard to not break,
When people don’t give me a break,

I can’t change others,
So I can’t stop them from being mean to me,
And I can’t change what others as part of institutions may do to me,
If I break eventually,

My autistic learning disabilities and hypersensitivity makes it too hard for me,
And instead of helping me,
Others make it even harder on me,
With their constant judgment,
aggressive negative insecure energy that they add to my painful emotional hypersensitivity,
Exacerbating the pain in me,
..
And never helpfully acknowledging (if ever),
Their behavior/energy towards me,
That makes it hard for me,
To remain inwardly peaceful,
..

And if I lose it,
The heavy medication and mainstream belief in punishment,
(Among whatever..),
Will make it even harder,

Because we live in a unconsciously developed culture of excessive fear,
Excessive judgment,
Excessive closed-mindedness,
Excessively LACKING clear critical thinking,
And excessively LACKING an EMPHASIS on all around present awareness expansion,
To meaningfully cleanse and improve all the ways on any micro and macro levels,
In which we individually,
interdependently and interconnectedly,
Function,

So many,
Are locked in to forces of unconscious attention,
And those who struggle LESS to pay attention,
Those who do NOT have any level of autism, learning and/or developmental greater than typical struggles..,
Those who struggle LESS with emotional regulation,
Even if they’re equally or more unconscious,
Even if they emotionally processed way less,
Will still have an easier time functioning,
Especially since,
Their typical unawareness fits right in,
On the same and/or similar page,
To most others of the dominant culture,

Instead of being atypically challenged like me,
Instead of feeling alone,
excluded,
judged,
dismissed,
mistreated, etc, etc..,

They misunderstand me,
and make it harder for me,
Endangering my sanity,
Due to emotionally breaking due to not handling all the mean toxic energy they emanate towards me,
Which fills me,
And as a result makes me become,
more internally out of balance,
Threatening my awareness,
and physical safety,
Increasing my vulnerability,
Since I’m less aware,
More of a pushover,
Since I therefore innately have greater challenges with self-control due to emotional hypersensitivity and damaged confidence due to being labeled painfully weighing inside me,
..
Causing me to do and over-emotionally and hyperbolically say stuff getting me in even bigger trouble,

Even if what I do and say is understandable,
Such as joking about harming someone who bullied me,
(Or adding to another’s joke regarding me doing that),
And regardless that I don’t believe in MANY stuff I say (such as that) when I just want to vent how I feel,
And..,
Regardless that I believe in letting go and being in the moment,
Most others,
In their states of fearful judgmental unconsciousness,
Won’t understand this,

So I’ll just end up having a more and more painful existence,
Whether it’s from too much medication,
Whatever person,
Exclusive and sadistic friend/acquaintance groups,
Hierarchy(s),
And/or,
Or institution(s),

When others with their bad energy doesn’t give me a break,
and becomes too much for me,

When I’m locked into painful unconscious insecure states such as severe obsessive behavior,
Even the slightest negativity from others,
Sometimes if not often,
Can feel like..,
Maybe not torture..(?),
Yet,
Really fcking painful, And just too fcking much to handle..,

When I do break,
I can’t expect those who unconsciously broke me to consciously help and compassionately acknowledge the damaging effects they had on me,
Because they’ll remain unconscious,
Sadly..,

And since I can’t always escape from bad energy (if ever),
Since fighting will add more inner resistance,
Therefore making it feel worse due to less acceptance,
I must continually,
Practice,
Detaching,
And noticing,
Without painfully negatively judging,
All the mean,
insecure,
judgmental,
however harmful energy,
That inevitably,
Surrounds me,

And although being consistent at this isn’t easy,
I must not go crazy due to all the forms I encounter of toxic energy,
For my own and others safety,
Evidently,

And yes,
With all the unconsciousness,
All the unaccessed and undiscovered capability,
All the fear and increasing likelihood and literal violent and oppressive unconscious chain reactions on whatever micro and/or macro level that still exist up to this point,
And with moments in which I feel brutally alone in my belief(s) and or world views,
Still,
While I keep trying my best,
I must,
Resist less,
And accept more,
To reduce inner painful resistance damaging anger, sadness,
Or any type of harmful,
damaging,
vulnerability increasing emotional distress,

Yes..

I can’t change the fact that my overall environment didn’t properly nurture and/or inspire me to utilize my highest innate/predisposed potentials and/or capabilities,

Instead I’ve become shut down in insecurity,
I impulsively or uncontrollably try validating myself by succumbing to OCD,
Instead of living spontaneously freely,

I must accept that I should and could have done this,
that and the whatever other stuff,
..
And that I’m trapped in self-limiting obsessive insecurity,
While the opportunities are passing,
(Such as the opportunity of making practical use of all this economic privilege and “autistic” memory capability),

Yet I feel my experiences,
Especially how others have exacerbated my innate emotional hypersensitivity have damaged and eroded what could have manifested as needed confidence in me,

Yet the culture I was and still am surrounded by,
Just wasn’t conducive for my non-chosen,
Atypical predispositions,

As it is said..,
“It is what it is”,
And my insatiable ego will always expect more and more of me,
Because it perpetually looks in the wrong direction(s),
Instead of turning its attention inwardly,
To clear,
To heal,
To facilitate experiencing the present in which life is occurring,
as needed for my daily functioning and survival,
With my atypical unaccessed fortunes,
And inflicted misfortunes,
And my present state,
..
That other typical beings,
With their insecure egos,
Have damaged,
Have limited,

Have contributed,
To,

All my missed opportunities..

If my missed opportunities are tragic,
What I guess I can say is that,
Tragedies and missed opportunities happen,
?

So all I can look towards,
Is for good cause and effect deep energy karma,

To,

Help me experience,

Better

How can I to the best of my present ability,
Serve all sentient beings on earth?
Without being forced to hurt and/or kill?

How can I reduce killing,
How can I defend and protect myself and others,
Without being forced into escalating unconscious violence?
Or whatever form(s) of unconscious harmfulness?

I guess I could practice awareness,
To practice writing and expressing,
To facilitate internal cleansing?
To inspire more to join me on an inner development path of ongoing meaningful conscious discovery,
INSTEAD of,
Conforming to,
Unconscious tribalistic/nationalistic insecure, sadistic,
masochistic,
distorted,
misguided,
awareness and/or internal emotional/cognitive capability impinged and/or inhibited dominant mentality..,

Even if I’m forced to do something against my beliefs,
Such as joining an evil,
oppressive,
exploitive violent institution and/or military or whichever type of dysfunctional hierarchy,
Who falsely claims to spread “peace, love and democracy”,
Yet in reality is out for the insatiable inwardly unconscious insecure externally seeking interests who either impulsively hide and/or can’t see the suffering they create and perpetuate..,

Even if my physical safety gets threatened,
Yes,
I will try defending myself,
Yet,
I feel I must also inwardly prepare myself,
To suffer the least I can when faced with the most inevitable brutality that most directly harms me,

I can learn to defend myself as best I can if ever necessary,
Yet,
I can only defend myself from so many,
So there’s a point where I’ll be forced to literally surrender,

HOWEVER,
Regardless of violent tragedy,
As I go through life,
As I internally clear insecure inhibitions to prepare myself the best for whatever comes my way,
Along with traveling down a chosen path to seek truth for a more and more meaningful gratifying present experience,
..
I can SURRENDER,
By LETTING GO of creating excessive inner awareness/cognitive functioning inhibiting tension,
(Initially in unconscious reactionary response to painful adverse experiences),
..
So I can surrender,
And/or I guess “let go” of..,
Unconsciously adding to,
What makes me less clear and more in pain,

I can surrender,
And not feed,
Egoic expectation pressure,
And redirect my attention,
To cleansing more and more unconscious built up insecurity,
To allow internal room,
To make it more likely for,
Discovering,
More and more capability in myself that I can utilize for myself and others,
Without being inhibited by ego expectation pressure to succeed,

So yes,
By writing what I feel a need to share for myself and others,
For whoever,
To whatever extents they have or don’t have the same atypical (autistic) condition as me,
I still hope what I tried to put into words based on the degree I believe I understand what I learned from my experience(s),
Is at least part of my,
sufficient,
Attempted,
service,

That is hopefully sufficiently in alignment with what I believe as true,
And essential,
For doing my part,
To try helping life feel,
Less painful,
And more,
Worthwhile,

I’m doing the best I feel I presently can,
With avoiding as much as I can of what I feel is harmful and immensely out of alignment with my beliefs,
Yet,
Similar to what I mentioned earlier,
if I become forced,
or sucked into unconsciously acting out of alignment with what I feel as important truth,
Well,
I hope that wherever I’m at,
That I’ll sufficiently consciously remind myself,
To respond the best I can for myself and any sentient others,
The best I can,

Ideally and practically speaking,
I hope that doing stuff such as sharing writing,
Is sufficiently fulfilling what I feel is my meaningful fruitful obligation of,

True service, For my country, And all of sentient beings, in whatever forms, whichever levels of awareness, discovered and undiscovered abilities/capabilities, Especially,

I hope to remain in adequate alignment,
With what service,
Truly means,
To me,

Others may view service differently, Yet I wish to remain sufficiently in alignment with service that feels true and necessary, Instead of getting forced by however many others into a system of what they view as true that does NOT feel the same to me.., and even if we disagree, We can still compassionately thank others due to trying, Partially to spread peaceful energy,

Yes I know I’m repeating this, Yet I want to emphasize, That service, or what it means to serve can have many different meanings,

I wish as always, To reasonably and therefore freely, Try to serve as many as I can in ways that feel most truthful for me

If I could change that easy why the fuck wouldn’t I!!?

I’m locked in my guy,

It is whatever it presently is,

And all I can do is keep trying the best I know,
And hope,
For continual good,
Longer lasting,
karma,

In a nutshell,
I’m just trying to make living feel better for myself,
Same as what everyone (and/or every sentient being) has been doing,
For all of time,
Because as the words say themself,
Why would anyone prefer the WORSE or the SAME unpreferred existence? Or experience(s)?

Just saying,
For,
Remembering,
For myself and whoever else,
To keep going and not give up (in this form we’re experiencing),
At,
Meaningfully expanding,
Whatever we are presently experiencing and truly capable of experiencing and/or discovering

Even if I can’t sufficiently align with ideas/thoughts,
I still like talking about them,

It gives me something important to focus on,
And although I feel the reasons are obvious I’ll still say that,
It’s largely because I feel it’s more meaningful and deep,
To understand deeper,
Beneath the surface in which we daily go through “the motions” in our own way(s),

So yes,
Even if my posts aren’t that figurative,
Or aren’t that present and/or relaxed,
..
Or even if they unintentionally,
uncontrollably obsessively over-explain,
In vain,
for my ego to try to compensate to a degree it sees fit and/or possible, Such as trying to sound very insightful,
Such as sharing what I view as helpful for myself and/or others to remember from what I feel I learned from,
My personal atypical struggle,

Well,
I’ll keep trying to share when I feel it’s reasonably appropriate,
My explainings of ideas/thoughts and/or feelings,
That,
I,
In those moments of writing,
“See fit”

I wish it was that easy,
To not take social interaction reactions seriously personally,
And just witness the reactions react without becoming emotionally destroyed by the reactions,

People will always judge, dismiss and talk shit, Without ever understanding their part in the dysfunctional bullshit,
And there ain’t shit I can do about it,
And of course blowing their heads off, or somehow harming/killing them, won’t help them further clearly understand and/or emphasize with my frustration, Nor will it help create, grow and sustain a collective vision, On how to heal more and more of it,

So cultivating better energy to emanate wherever and whatever I’m doing in society may be all I can do yet it won’t come close to being enough, So ideally I continually hope for better and better karma, Hopefully aligning with better and better energy will lead me to less and less suffering someday, in whatever form, in whatever dimension, wherever in whatever universe, And I still struggle to work on myself, Due to my lack of confidence, resulting from my built up insecurity, Which I largely blame due to my condition and how others treated me instead of offering supportive energy.. etc, etc,

And of course, For someone like me, The culture I’m in, Makes it very unnecessarily challenging perpetually,

Yet, To me, It’s just reactions,
And if I keep accepting them as just reactions,
Regardless of how much they harmfully intend,
Still,
Maybe,

Just maybe..

Over time I’ll get less offended,

?

I wish,
Just detaching,
And/or just..,
Noticing,
Entailed less struggling,

As I have been,
I plan to,
Keep going

Could common traumatic experiences,
Whether it’s from similar harsh geographical/external natural environment conditions,
Or from whatever type of similar struggle for survival,
Create a type of dominant trauma,
Which exists underneath, shapes and perpetuates a dominant culture? (If not many cultures..?),
..
And could that trauma create and perpetuate trauma if people don’t know how to process and heal it?
Could it be passed down from generation to generation?
Through person to person,
Or group to group,
Such as,
as various forms and extents of oppression?
Such as,
Violence escalation,
Tragic destructive (traumatized and unconscious) chain reaction(s),
?

Yes maybe many might regard those as “rhetorical questions”,
Yet I feel it’s crucial for consideration,
That processing and healing trauma,
To clear and live stronger with more capability,
Is what we need to REMEMBER,
To,
Make this conscious passing form we’re in,
Feel more and more,
Fulfilling,
Gratifying,
However worthwhile,
Whatever is a clearer way of describing..

..

Could examples of what underlies traumatic culture, and/or traumatic culture in general be,
Post traumatic fear?
And post traumatic insecurity?
Or whatever post traumatic emotional extreme effects,
That externally manifests as a culture of people reacting aggressively or overly-emotionally if not violently out of control towards each other..?
Because their past pain (such as trauma),
Has given them excessive insecurity,
Which manifests in emotional irregularity such as extreme fear and anger,
As unconscious behavior that is merely reactionary,
And therefore is in unconscious need of control and security,
Since the individuals have been severely traumatically deprived of needed feelings of safety and reasonable certainty perpetually..?
With zero or inadequate inner healing support,
Zero to insufficient inner healing development,
?
And as a result,
They unconsciously seek what appears to be a destination of “certainty” or “security” perpetually,
Yet in reality it makes them temporarily happy,
Yet the unhealed inner pain takes over again inevitably and invariably..,
..
And they may react to any assumed threat excessively fearfully and/or aggressively due to unconscious built up fear that initiated and kept exacerbating from continual traumatic events in their life,
And their traumatized damaged awareness (or unawareness),
Kept them unaware of other traumatizing or toxic energy forces,
That kept them the same if not made them worse..,
..
And they always excessively fear reliving anything worse or similar,
So they’re trauma makes them unclear due to too much unnecessary unconsciously built up fear that they never sufficiently learned how to adequately clear..,
That they never had the support and/or experiences to motivate them to clear their traumatic inner inhibitions to clearly awaken to the capabilities in them,

And of course,
As for certain unique/individual results of being traumatized,
For whatever reasons,
Whether it’s because of hypersensitivity/emotional irregularity,
Further exacerbated by sleep deprivation,
Etc, etc..,
Some may break into delusion,
Then become labeled and forced on excessive medication,
By other traumatized unconscious individuals running the institution(s),
Who seek to make money insatiably,
Who seek control and stability,
Largely as a desperate attempt to block out their unconscious built up insecurity,
Largely as a result of their traumatic history,
Similar to those beneath and/or controlled/inflicted by their authority,

Hence,
Whether on top,
The bottom,
Or wherever,
There seems to be,
A traumatized hierarchy,

They seem to be interconnected,
And there seems to be many,
Even if you don’t research it on Google, in books or on Safari..,

And in addition to innate advantages and disadvantages,
How people tend to react to trauma,
Seems to depend largely,
On where they wind up,
In the traumatized culture hierarchy,

So they suffer and limit themselves without any awareness of the causes,
Or without awareness that they could heal themselves and experience a better,
Conscious experience,

Because they been traumatized before they knew how to consciously respond to the trauma,
In order for the trauma to not excessively harm and limit them,
And as a result,
Grew an unconscious system,
With inadequate cleansing awareness,
With many traumatized individuals running away and succeeding,
While other traumatized individuals feeling uncontrollably stuck as overly-entitled victim,
Or so damaged and unaware,
On their own,
(Internally and/or externally),
With inadequate care,
(For example),

With many asking,
Will enough find a way,
To,
Sufficiently,
Wake up?

Just because I introspectively processed it,
Does not mean,
I’m safe from it,

Just because I understand it,
Does not mean,
I’ll “always” remember it,

Just because I progress, Does not mean I won’t regress if I loose focus, Whether it’s practicing “mindfulness”, Or whatever type of needed awareness,

And I guess the more I lose focus the more likely I regress.. so after processing, do I still need to continue processing..? Yes, and of course it’s like I said in my last post since I’m “always processing”,

I feel I must,
Also sustain paying attention,
To what’ll keep me the safest,
Among wherever else I’m paying attention,

Whether it’s being torn apart,
In a social interaction,
Whether it’s pain above my tolerance level,

I just,
Must,
Practice remembering,
To NOT escalate suffering,
To not limit myself,
Yet,
To,
Experience as much appreciation as I can,
In,
Infinite new ways,
That infinitely expand,
deeper and deeper,
clearer and clearer,
Ways,

So,
Without inhibiting pressure (of course),
I can,
Appreciate,

More and more,

While I’m still,

Here

Where..
Am I working?
Where am I inwardly, externally.. Stationed.. ?
Closer to the top?
Down below the surface?
In the dark trenches?
Everywhere???
Both literally and figuratively at once..
?

I do believe,
That processing,
Since I’m practicing paying attention,
Noticing and making connections,
Such as untangling inner inhibitions such as insecure tension,
Wherever I physically feel the emotion,
I HOPE to sufficiently clear,
More room,
To elaborately connect in more and more detailed ways,
To put into words,
From on the surface of how I perceive,
Or (put into words the best I can) what I realize I have been perceiving,
(initially without noticing..),
Below the surface..

I can ask,
How am I developing myself?
My “career”?
Being in the..

“Here” and “Now”?

But where?
Where am I here?

What is happening,
Inwardly below,
Any path I am following..?

Even though I’m “here”,
And working towards arriving wherever,
Where am I here??
Literally..
Right NOW??

As for what I’m working on,
What could I ALSO work on..?
To help me MORE truthfully,
Fully,
Simultaneously..
Move along?

Where do my decisions come from..?
Like I said in my post “not controlling control”,
I can’t control,
Control,
Because..
Underneath the deepest levels of controlling control,
Seems to be some point of control (choices and decisions),
That is just happening as whatever else is that is,
What we cannot totally control..?

What are the present states of my inner behavior navigating roots?
That I guess..
May have been differently grown..?
Nourished..
Damaged..
And/or are now..

Flourishing,

Just considering,

How am I really..
Truthfully,

Aspiring??

I believe I can always obtain clearer and clearer words for describing..

To me,
There’s always processing,
Such as the continual cleansing of the process,
Of clearer and clearer conscious experiencing,

Recently I been locked in severe OCD,
resulting from insecurity,
resulting from bullying,
resulting from autism,
resulting from the medication the insurance companies gave my mom instead of an IV..
because their insatiable egos wanted to save money..,
And yes I know what I write and process so often leads back to that same story,
Because it largely sums up causes of my atypical adversity..,

And as I believe and what can be researched on Google/safari if real journalism still sufficiently exists (if it EVER SUFFICIENTLY existed)..
medication doesn’t get to the source of it,
It may TEMPORARILY give me a HIGH and/or cloud it BUT THEN give me side-effects,
However SHORT or LONG term..,
And I haven’t had the confidence,
Nor ADEQUATE support for consistent proper meditation practice..
And if I did,
If something worked,
I wouldn’t be dominated by these obsessive compulsive irrational dark forces..,

Hence,
I feel a NEED to FURTHER clear the energy,
So it doesn’t destroy,
Or overly cloud my awareness,
That is crucially needed for decisions that are most beneficial,
On whatever internal,
external,
physical and/or emotional level..
Or whichever way I may describe this clearer and clearer..

I’m always processing,
With awareness or non awareness,

And if I forget what I processed,
(Assuming I don’t develop a terminal neurological or terminal/inevitable degenerative awareness condition),
I’ll more likely regress,
Into those previous states of unprocessed unconsciousness,
So I must,
ALWAYS PROCESS,
To remind myself of what I learned from processing that I need to remember,
And..
To keep learning and discovering more advanced and fulfilling ways of doing whatever I’m doing..,

And obviously I must sufficiently consistently remember,
Internal processing,
For understanding and continual practicing of..
toxic energy cleansing,
For more clearness and less distractions,
For processing anything,
Such as work-related procedures,
To do my part,
The best I can for myself and whoever..,

To me,
The processing,
And SOMETIMES IF NOT OFTEN..,
the POINTLESS BULLSHIT,
just goes on and on,
As long as our consciousness,
in whatever changing forms,

Continues on

I appreciate it,
When people compliment me,
By telling me that they,
Sincerely,
Think I’m,
“Smart”,

Sometimes,
as a result,
I may put pressure on myself,
Worry and become insecure,
Which just makes me,
Less clear,

And in addition,
To all my atypical learning adversity,
My higher than usual,
Emotional hypersensitivity,
Which got exacerbated by others being mean to me,
As a failed attempt to feel more secure about themselves by having “power” over me evidently..

So with my,
“unusually gifted memory”,
Is a lot of painful memories,
And resulting,
inner,
Among whatever form(s) of suffering,
Which I’m tempted to block out,
Instead of making the most out of,
As blessings..

Yes..
Although I don’t agree that I could ever be defined by a “test”,
The tests did say essentially,
As I agree,
That I have a “very good”,
Memory,

But there’s so,
So much pain in me,
That I’m tempted to quickly block out,
Even if the easy way to do it,
Entails,
Also blocking out the “gifts given to me”,
Such as my “gifted”,
Memory,

It is a tragedy, (to me),
Feeling that I have to,
Give up,
What I could have experienced,
What I could have done,
For myself,
And others..

But I still,
Want to be happy,
Want to have a good time,
And I often have a hard time,
Doing that,
In a way that’s,
(For however long of a future term),
NOT harmful,
But,
Most beneficial,

Of course,
I want to experience more and discover more of,
How I am capable,

Regardless of how truly “successful”,
I am or become,

It’s just a struggle,

So..

Sometimes (if not often),
I’d want to have more than I “should” drink,
But,
I often have so much pain,
Due to the way I think..

So,
I want to think when it’s most needed,
Yet,
I don’t want to think too little,
Since,
I want to utilize at least some ways in which I am capable,

Yes..

It’s a struggle,
And.. hopefully,
Becomes reasonably,
Less,
Painful