I was NOT planning to write this,
Since I’m trying to let this stuff go, you know..?
..,
Yet,
Just thought I’d also let you know..,

That even though you may have been “just joking”,
Oh you had them laughing,
Such as after gym class when you would say “how bad I was at everything”,
..,
Ha..,

I’m sure you’re now making money in banking,
I know finance you were eagerly considering,
..,
And well,

You had your kinder sides too,
Yet the bad stuff you ALSO did,
Which among other bullshit..,
Also happens to pass through me,
And sometimes it remains and increases in intensity..,
Ohhh why isn’t a good figure of speech coming to me!!?

Anyway,
I think it’s still clear that,
There was a lot you also did,
You definitely made fun of me for being in special Ed,
After you either moved up or remained in your regular or advanced Math classes..,
Yeah I know you had an IEP too,
And well..,
Maybe whatever condition(s) they said you had,
Just did not harm you as bad?

And I get it,
I can try to regard how you were “joking”,
At least part of the time..,

But man..,
You had your friends,
One who would never talk to me,
Yet would laugh at the jokes you would tell about me..,
Like one time you said “I’m good at gym class sports yet suck at real sports”,
And oh that got a kick out of everyone..,
And I could’ve sworn someone else said something like “he just sucks at everything”,
And even though that additional part might’ve not exactly been it(?),
You still had them all dying..,
Oh the jokes you made about me were just so creative and spot on!
Like.. come on!!
..,
And well..,
Pertaining to stuff that SEEMED to be about me,
(As what’s generally the case..),
I just didn’t catch everything..,
Nor would I want to..,

Man..,
Seems like those funny jokes you made,
Did NOT have a fun effect on me..,
And oh yeah..,
You assholes would NEVER invite me,
Not once..,

And well..,
I can NOT promise if I’ll share more when and if I remember it..(?),
And well,
You had your insecure ego that made hurtful jokes about me to try to feel a sense of “superiority”,
And I’ll just..,
Keep trying to let go more and more of my ego that wants to get back at you and all the others..,
Because what will getting egoic back do?
Other than essentially just add more destructive ego energy?

And evidently,
As for what you and others did to me,
And as for how things are politically..,
Well..,
I would say..,
There’s just too much of that heartless egoic energy,

?

And oh yeah..,
Letting go for me remains a struggle,
Constantly,

I just tried to NOT get myself to spend time and energy writing this,
And INSTEAD have a more peaceful,
Free focus,
And well..,
I just happened to write it,

And I’ll remind myself once again,
That well..,
As for every mean thing everyone has done,
I just do NOT have time to get to all of it..,

So I wish to find more peace while practicing letting go of more of it

As species and their awareness evolved (or changed) over time,
Well,
To use organized belief system(s) as an example,
Since it (obviously) all started from one person’s feeling(s) within,
Or shared feelings/beliefs/realizations within,
(That experiences (possibly including trauma(?)) shaped within them..),
That over time,
Solidified into an organization..,
(Or of course MANY organizations..),
?

Well..,
Since I’m also a human,
Who believes to also have beliefs and realizations within,
How are mine any less valid than those of an organization?
Since,
When it comes down to it,
The beliefs,
And/or awareness,
All came from how other people (like me) felt within?

How is my truth any less valid than theirs?
Why would I have to follow their “truth”,
If I see my own truth differently?

I believe,
My deepest realizations,
Are NOT found in any external authority and/or organizations,
I believe my deepest realizations,
Can NOT be found in any external entity,
Yet,
I believe I must INSTEAD keep trying to clearly look,

Within me,

And that I feel,
Is one of many truths,
That is,
Deeply important to me

Well..,
I’ll just mention you again..,

And even though you’re no longer manifesting in the form you once manifested in..,

Well..,
Yes..,
I do remember how you (when I was in third while you were in fourth grade at the after school YMCA) excluded me from “The Bubblegum Club”,
(That you were the leader of..),

Well..,
Yes..,
Even though so long ago..,
I definitely know..,
There were moments when you guys were nasty to me..,

I remember when I once said,
(Although it (of course) was NOT politically correct.. and of course my environment did have an affect on me (yet I of course still believe in peaceful accountability..)),
When I said (at like age 10 when you were 11..),
“I used to be a faggot”,
And you patted me on the shoulder,
Smiled and said,
“You still are,”

And well,
Wherever you are,
I wish you well..,
Whatever you may have became a part of(?),

And well..,
Like all of what so many others have done to me..,
(A lot of what I posted about and A LOT of which I forget and will NOT have enough time to clearly write about..),
Well..,
I hope you recieve more peace to emanate more peace..,
Just like I said about you in my post “Receive and Give”..,

And yep..,
Step by step..,
I’m working on just letting more and more of it go,
With the hope of receiving,
And/or inwardly cultivating,
More peace

Okay..,
I’m going to try LESS obsessively posting about people who wronged me..,
And yes..,
I’ll try to make this brief..,

Yet..,
I just painfully still remember,
That I would have NEVER let you verbally abuse me in “line-ups”,
Like when you screamed for me to “SHUT UP!!!!!!” louder than just about anything I heard from anyone..,

When you kept referring to us (since we were the “beta” pledge class) as “beta bitches”,
When you had us do “Edward Fortyhands”,
The “beer mile”,
(Case race was fun..),
When you had us take an ice bath..,
And I won’t forget all the women you could so easily get with because that’s just what (I sometimes feel) many look for,
In our backwards culture..,

And yeah man..,
Regardless if I share more of it later..(?),
Essentially,
I just would NOT have let you do so much of what you did to me,
If I knew you’d eventually just..,
Cut me out of your life..,
..,
And well,
You did NOT “build me up”..,
You added to all my built up emotional trauma..,

And even though (I agree) it was NOT nearly as bad as it could have been,
In my opinion,
It was STILL WAY WORSE than it should have been..,

And yeah..,

As for calling yourself a “brother for life”..,

Well..,

You,
LIED

Okay well..,
Although I first wrote this back in July 2020..,
Just thought I’d also post this:

I’ve gotten a death threat,
This person expressed no regret even though how much I expressed how unnecessary it was!
He reminded me and the others if we were to unnecessarily “snitch” his life would be “over” so what he’d do next to us just wouldn’t matter,

One time,
When I was struggling with inner intensity,
I told him how painfully upset he made me,
He said “I haven’t done shit to you,”
I don’t judge him,
I’ve been economically privileged way more yet he had the PRIVILEGE of NOT having autism.., ADHD was what he was told he had and well that just ain’t as bad..,
even though he was on the volleyball team, could play basketball,
knows martial arts, paid his way to be the first in his family to attend college,
Been in “more fights than people I talked to,”
Was “gold glove state champion” at thirteen,
Was an EMT,
Claimed to be a “real-estate” agent (if I’m correct..)..,
Volunteered to help in Flint..
Is almost three years younger and way more able than I’ll ever be,

As he said..,
I hope he’d never “break every bone in my body” so I “drink through a straw for the rest of my life,” if my “beta bitch” fraternity pledge class were to ever “wrongfully” snitch or whatever,
Huhhh,

He was an RA, ran a boxing club, was a campus contractor,
Is clearly way more capable and better,
Well..,
Maybe not,
Especially (in my belief) when it comes to,
INTEGRITY..,
Such as being kind to others..,

And well..
When I was feeling down..,
He once reassured me that I’m “not a loser”,
He made it clear he wasn’t interested in a girl I had a crush on..,
Another accused me of calling her “ugly” (when I meant to say I just wasn’t feeling it after under 24 hours of getting to know her..) who would’ve been good for me,
She said “good luck finding someone who cares about you” with the realest honesty,

But as for this guy with all his “superhuman ability”..
I can’t say everything that seemed amazingly real to me but,
We did spar and he could kill me,
INSTANTLY,
And there was that time when he side flipped over the fire..
When he displayed his talent for..,
PARKOUR,

..

He did help me when I told him about OCD,
He’s definitely been there for me,
(Well.. rarely..),
Even though he felt a need to tell me he could never trust me as a fraternity brother because I “can’t manage a fucking egg,”

Well..

I lost the egg,
I’m irresponsible,
Dangerously unreliable,
I’m a privileged “creepy” autistic asshat who “needs” more shame or whatever punishment to “attain” more loyalty and character,
No I don’t mean that yet I just thought I’d include it how I initially wrote it..,
And ohh how he MADE ME FEEL..,
And I’m just like..,
“What’s his f*cking deal!?”

And even though he may “understand” himself and what he’s been through..,
Well..,
That just does NOT excuse his meanness in my belief..,

He “did his best” to plant a proper “seed” in me and my pledge brothers,
(Yeah.. actually I feel what he did was find an opportunity to abuse his power as “assistant pledge master”.., but I’ll just include what I wrote here..),
I still remember when he threatened to put any of us “in check” for “dumb disrespect” which started over him shaming existing undergrad chapter members in our group chat for “doing something wrong” because our only pledge already referred to himself as a pledge “brother,”
I tried to remove him from the chat but couldn’t since he was the chat’s “owner,”

Huhhh,

As I wrote here over two years ago (assuming I did not revise this section since then)..,
I believe:
Everyone’s good at heart even if they don’t access it,
Everyone’s part of good energy even if experiences manipulate to horrific horror and catastrophe,
NOT EXCUSING,
Just..
Remembering..

Overall,
The process was carefully supervised honestly,
There’s so much more,
So so much more to that story..
In that school a fool like me was so lucky to be a member,
He’d probably not take my sincerity seriously and say this is “fluff”..
What the fluff..,

?

This guy is history,
He left the fraternity literally and figuratively even though he made us eager to be his brother and told us that there are “very few he truthfully trusts”,
Oh how he agreed people suck,
At least he also reminded me to breathe to relieve myself in other moments similar to all these..,

Yet he understood spirit,
And his ego abused it..,

One time..

With all my bullshit I hit a breaking point,
Blocked him on Facebook after being friends,
then sent him another friend request which he understandably didn’t accept,
I then called him a “fake cunt,”
Then said “go kill yourself,”

(Even though as “vice prior” he approved for me to plan for fraternity brothers to attend a suicide prevention walk for philanthropy event “chapter points” the year prior..),

That was on messenger,
I’ve even sent him poems recently prior,
He didn’t get it and (referring to my poems) said “stop with the crazy shit..”,

Yet I felt my feelings to be valid..,
And over all those years,
After I was oh so nice to him,
After all he did to me..,
Well I’m sorry,
I just lost it and told him to “kill himself”,
..,
And I feel even though..,
It was NOT ethical,
It was VERY understandable..,
..,
And I know,
I’m also accountable..,

He saw what I said but never said a word to me again until I sent an email almost three years later saying he “got by with what he did” among other aggressively conveyed grievances,
And he did say he hopes I “be safe and well”,
Yet of course he didn’t acknowledge why I was upset..,
Yet I “thanked him”..,
Yet after a few months I felt bad again,
Then told him and my “pledge master” that they belong in Afghanistan..,
And well..,
I don’t think he’s still overly thinking about me telling him to “kill himself” (if he ever was) and I’ll probably never hear from or see him again..,
Who knows..(?),

Around the time I first met him he told me how he’s “real”,
Yet well,
I also just try to be,
Real as can be,
..,
And well..,
I also try to be kind,
Peaceful,
Not some arrogant egoistic scumbag..,
Yet oh yeah..,
I also try YET struggle to be..,
More compassionate,
Even FOR those who do NOT ask for forgiveness NOR feel they did anything wrong,
And I feel that..,
May still help me with more inner peacefulness..(?),
Yet (of course) I still struggle with this..,

If he was ever to tell me to “take this down”,
I just might tell him to read my poem “writing freedom”,
Since just as he can do as he once said,
“whatever the fuck I want”,
So can I,

So can I,

Now it might be somewhat risky to talk about what I remember others doing to me since their egos may want to torture and kill me..
And sure..,
(even as for what I remember to share) there may not be perfect accuracy..
HOWEVER,
I think this CLEARLY “paints the picture”,
and,

I will..
WRITE FREE AND DO MY BEST TO STAY SAFE,
..,
He once told me to “stay safe”..
I don’t wish harm on him.. and all this explaining shows how I’m still afraid of him..,
Yet I just felt a NEED to ALSO keep it real..,
To keep keeping it real..,

However,

That’s why,
..,
That’s just why.. I shared some memories of this guy..

And,
(Of course..),
I try to be a compassionate pacifist,
Yet I still believe to,
Well..,

Live free or die,

And if that sounded too harsh well,
I just wanted to STRONGLY say,
That just as he can do and say “whatever the fuck he wants”,
Well,
SO CAN I

Another brief memory of my coach (who I posted about in “Here’s one for You, Coach”),
Was when I innocently playfully called out my younger brother for throwing his helmet after he grounded out to first base (in camp),
And I was like “do they get an extra out because he lost his temper?”..,
And you,
Coach,
Were like..,
“And we don’t allow tattling either”..,
So you coach,
Implicitly called me a “tattletale” for pointing out something that I previously got in trouble for..,

Yet..,
Even though I may remember more and more..,
I best just try to keep letting go of it..,
And well..,
Among all those who did stuff to me,
That’s just too much to ever clearly write about..,
(And (I feel) would be a waste of time and energy..),
I just thought I’d also BRIEFLY write and share this..,
(Among whatever else I may decide to subsequently share from my writing archives..(?)),

And this ain’t about you coach..,
This is about YOU..,
Other dickhead,
Among many dickheads I once KNEW..,

Huhhh..,

You made fun of me for not doing well in math,
And as I hear..,
You’re NOW out making money as an engineer,
..,
And that guy who I talked about in my post “As for That” I heard now works for Wall Street..,
Ohh man..,

You said in middle school,
“Why are you laughing if we’re making fun of you?”
..,
You would always exclaim..,
“Uhhhhhhh..”,
When I would say something “stupid” due to my autistic learning and anxiety struggles..,
And ohh yes the others would too..,

Man..,
I remember you making fun of another guy who had surgery due to a “cleft palate”,
And you knew that,
Yet you still repeatedly “inquired”..,
“What’s wrong with your lip?”

And although nothing else comes to mind at this moment..,
Ohh there was definitely more..,

And well..,
You are out building your career,
While I look for a place to start..,

And yeah you weren’t as bad as the others,
But overall you weren’t good either..,

And well..,

I’ll just try to LET go of stuff you among others did to me that presently weighs in me..,
So maybe I can become as successful as you one day..?

Ohh it’s been rough along the way

As always I can NOT remember NOR include everything..,
Yet you know what..?
Here’s one for you!!
COACH..,

When I didn’t move up for fielding a ground ball you’re like,
After saying..,
“Are you freaking kidding me!!?”
Then you were like while CLEARLY REFERRING TO ME..,
“I don’t tolerate mental stupidity!!”

And when I didn’t know how you wanted us to hold the bat you were like..,
“Are you kidding me!!?”
Then I look and you’re like,
“What could I possibly mean by saying ‘put the bat behind your back!!?”
And instead of just showing me you’re like,
“After all the time you spent in camp you seriously don’t know what I’m talking about!!?”
And instead of just showing me,
You’re insecure ego had to use it against me..,

Damn..,

When I tried helping the campers with their stuff and was like “Is this anyone’s bat?”
While knowing exactly what I meant..,
You sarcastically said..,
“It someone’s bat”..,

And of course there were all those times when you flipped out because I was struggling to get the batting form right..,
You’d throw a pitch and was like,
“No!!”
Next pitch..,
“No!!”
Next pitch..,
“No!!”
Next pitch..,
“No!!”
Next pitch..,
“Uhhhhhh!!”

Ohh there were a lot of those..,
A lot of nasty comments and looks..,
Ohh yes..,

And oh yeah..,
You really made yourself look like a clown.. DAMN..,
..,

And (at age 13) I tried to chime in on a conversation about the home run derby among the campers..,
And I said something good about another dickhead who happens to be a multi-millionaire for hanging out in batting cages (as his day job) named Alex Rodriguez (who bullied Robinson Cano in a YouTube video (for example)) and you were like..,
“What are you talking about!!? A-Rod has the best numbers in baseball!!”
..,
So I then chose NOT to join in the conversation which could’ve helped me develop my social skills as a young autistic camper..,
..,

Ohh yeah..,
At a baseball clinic..,
You said to yourself for everyone to hear,
“And if you don’t understand the instructions, then you have learning disabilities..”,
Damn coach..,
Way to be compassionate..,

(Yes obviously I’m being sarcastic.., and my remaining insecurity that people like YOU, Coach, has contributed to then caused (in me) obsessive compulsive behavior to feel “secure” like how I just explained right here that I’m being sarcastic..),

..,
Well..,
At least you were a Met fan,
And at least you helped me out by seeing if I wanted a JV assistant coaching position since I didn’t make the teams..,

And least you knew,
I could play well in practice..,
Although you did NOT know how to help me practice reducing anxiety to perform well under pressure that (of course) is just part of baseball..,

Yeah..,
Why go on and on..?

You were just another asshole,
Because of people being that way to you (as I’d guess(?)),
Yet regardless of all that..,

Well..,
Like I talked about with my therapist,
I’ll once again practice “cutting the strings” that are attached to the MEMORIES of what YOU among what SO many others did to me..,
..,
And oh yeah,
For me,
As I’d say whoever is reading this can see..,
Compassion does NOT come easy,
NOR instantly..,

And may I use another metaphor?
How about “breaking the chains”..?
So I break FREE of all that WEIGHS in me..,
Including largely because,
Of what people like YOU have done to me..,

Ohhhhhh..,
It’s just been a painful struggle,
..,

And yep,
I can NOT post about all of it,
And it just is NOT the best use of my time..,
And well..,
There you go,

Coach

There’s just too many people who did too much stuff to me to clearly write about..,
I just (feel I) can NOT possibly get to all of them and/or NOT even a significant amount of what they done to me..,
And well..,
Even though I struggle remaining at peace with all this arising energy due to revisiting my past in order to have stuff to write about..,
Well..,
I’ll just do my best to remain as present as I can with this post..,

Now I heard another guy who bullied me,
Who I talked about in my post “Clearly Implied”,
Is a MANAGER for Con Edison!!
Yeah..,
I guess the bullies just end up getting ahead..(?),
And well..,
If he is mature enough to be a manager for CON EDISON yet STILL can NOT apologize for ways he clearly HURT me..,
(Even if I remind him after he forgot..),
Then that just shows once again how dominant society is filled with TOXIC unconscious CRUEL energy..,
Yet I’m here at my mom’s house about to start another entry level job and posting to a blog that practically no one reads while the guy who bullied me is off managing at CON EDISON..,
Yet he’s out making money like so many others who hurt me..,
God Damn..,
And yes (as I’d guess..(?)) money does NOT heal us internally..,
Yet it’s just that..,
The bullies do just..,
Get more ahead..,
And they’ll excuse it by saying it’s “survival of the fittest”..(or however they choose to “justify” it..),
And well..,
Aside from how I can go on and on with deeper and deeper analysis,
Here’s some brief stuff about another guy who treated me like shit..,
And is now off pursuing his dream of becoming an actor,

So..,
While I was at college with zero friends,
After years of struggling socially and getting bullied and rejected..,
This guy offers to be my “friend”,
..,
We hang out,
I feel anxious,
He feels confident,

..,
Anyway..,
Eventually..,
The guy keeps bringing up a young woman I was then struggling to be LESS obsessed with,
And after I politely requested him to stop,
He did it again and again,
Then when I got offended he essentially shamed me for being “too sensitive”,
And then he used that as an opportunity..,
To,
Instead of helping me like a friend would,
He INSTEAD decided to,
Shame me for struggling with anxiety including saying I’m “as quiet as a mouse”..,
And I’m like to myself “what time period is this again?”..,
Since I guess NO one talks like that anymore (back in 2017 when it went down)..(?),
Yet REGARDLESS..,

The guy just kept making me feel bad for my neurodivergent struggles so his ego could feel more “secure” about itself..,
And ohh yeah..,
He made fun of me for bringing up “mindfulness” by saying I “always” talk about it even though I brought it up like TWICE..,
And even though,
Maybe.. just maybe(?) practicing mindfulness may have helped him be a bit more inwardly peaceful and LESS insecure and therefore could have helped him feel LESS of a NEED to make me feel like shit to try feeling “better about himself”..,
Yet he just made fun of it..,
He just..,
Did NOT change and just,
Kept,
Treating me like shit..,

And he acted like he was doing me a “favor” by taking me out places (whether on campus or not)..,
Yet,
He wanted to party just as much if not even MORE than me..,
Yet he acted like he was doing it “all for me”,
In order to try to make me feel “selfish”,
Because his ego could not stand feeling even gently criticized,
..,
So after I asserted myself and politely asked him to stop mentioning something that was troubling me,
His fragile ego felt offended and got defensive and was then like..,
“I introduced you to the frat!”,
“I introduced you to bars!”,
“Parties!”,
And he of course did NOT complete the pledging process which I completed and of course that’s just a whole other story of MORE bullshit that I have somewhat posted about and won’t get into (as for this post)..,
Yet long story short,
Being treated like shit,
For me,
Has “MESSED ME UP”,
It has NOT “built me up”,
It has NOT “awakened” me..,
It has NOT helped me develop my inner practices of consciously healing/preparing myself to NOT be as psychologically damaged by sadistic egoic toxic energy (from others)..,
And well..,
Of course (as it seems to me) since following and supporting each other with viable inner body awareness practices is just NOT the dominant culture I live in..,
Yeah..,
It’s no surprise there was a lot of delusional bullshit,
It’s no surprise a lot of others mistreated and traumatized me and would excuse it by saying they were “trying to do what’s ‘best for me’”
..,
And oh yeah..,
I of course believe..,
That the ego just seeks to dominate and disguise what it does such as saying it’s “breaking down and building up” people when INSTEAD it’s toxic energy just adds to TRAUMA and INSECURITY that of course can break and emotionally derail victims eventually..(such as the stress of it causing them to lose sleep and spiral into a psychotic state..),

Even in the briefest moments when I kept it real with him,
By saying I wish he did NOT keep mentioning that girl I was obsessed with..,
And one time he said she “called the cops on me”,
So I decided to miss class then take the shuttle to the White Plains Transit Center,
Then I took the Tappan Zee express to the Palisades Mall Home Depot,
And as my mom picked me up in the parking lot,
I tell her how I got the “cops called on me”, etc, etc,
And she drives me back to college saying I’m “not missing class and everything will get sorted out”,
Then my “friend” called me and was like “April fools!!”,
And I’m like “It’s April 18th..”,

And he just went on and on..,
He just kept bringing her up and shaming me for my autistic struggles in order to feel “superior” towards me..,
He once “apologized” while under the influence..,
And as I expected,
He did NOT change..,
And well,
Similar forms of mistreatment just occurred again and again..,

One time I opened myself up,
On a Facebook post,
And I even thanked him for “being there for me”,
And later on while referring to my post he was just like,
“I had no idea what you’re talking about”,
And he said he felt my post,
“Didn’t make any sense”,
And when I felt a need to make Facebook posts he essentially said I was “just doing it for the likes” and that I should “stop embarrassing myself” and I said (something like) well “I’m just trying to be more social”,
And he was like,
“Well that doesn’t mean you go running out in public while naked”,
So even if there was a part of me that was making posts for the “likes” (or positive responses..),
And EVEN if I was somewhat awkwardly embarrassing myself..(?),
Instead of aggressively criticizing/insulting me,
He could have INSTEAD made a compassionate polite suggestion as to HOW to do it differently,
Yet that’s just NOT the kind of friend he was SADLY..,

And (at least) one time he immensely criticized me,
For showing my parents (and) only close friends (that being my parents),
How HE was mistreating me..,
So yeah..,

He criticized me for “telling on him”..,
He was like,
“Ya know I don’t want to hang out with you if I feel like I’m going to be reported to the FBI”,
So..,
WHILE completely DISREGARDING what HE was doing to me he tried to equate me telling my parents like I was telling the “FBI”..,
(Yeah.., of course he knew that was NOT the same YET of course he just wanted to make me feel bad..),
And yeah..,
He disregarded how it was messed up of him to take my phone and go through my messages and read conversations with my parents..,
He was even like,
“Why do you tell your parents stuff!?”
And well,
It was because they were my only close friends..,
And..,
After he went through my phone and gave me a “lie detector” test to see if I told him the truth about sharing with my parents how my only “friend” was bullying me..,
So..,
After he asked me “did you tell your parents about me?”,
He got mad at me for “lying” to him due to me saying I did NOT tell my parents anything (about how he was MEAN to me)..,
Since if I were to tell him,
He would CLEARLY have just been more mean to me..,
And that would have just further emotionally damaged me..,

He just wanted me to NOT realize that I had totally VALID reasons for telling my parents how he was treating me (in order for me to receive emotional support from them)..,
He just wanted me to feel bad for “lying” to him..,
While his dirty ego would cover up the facts that it was HIM who was nasty,
And that I had PERFECTLY VALID reasons for telling my parents,
ESPECIALLY because I had ZERO other friends who were there for me..,

And well..,
Maybe I’ll include more examples..(?),
Not sure how much more I’ll remember..,
Yet..,
He’s just someone else who wronged me,

Even while he was driving,
While speeding up to a light,
I QUIETLY, calm and politely said,
“Red light”,
And then a week later he aggressively messages me by saying,
“You know you don’t have to tell me to stop for a red light! I’ve been driving for 5 years Zach!!”
(Or he said him and his friend (who also cut him off due to his craziness) were driving for “5 years”..),
And I think I tried to politely calm him down after that..,
Yep..,
I kept going back to that guy after because,
Even though he was treating me like shit,
I just tried to keep suppressing it,
Since he was the only one who would then hang out with me,
And since I cut him out of my life eventually..,
Well..,
I will NOT be around any longer for his insecure ego to step on..,
There just came a time when I needed to move on..,

Man..,
He was like,
“You need to be more independent!”
Which I struggled at,
Yet instead of helping me access and sustain a better spirit,
His aggressive advice made me feel like shit..,
He once shamed me for hanging out with my mentor (a helper) in the “Autistic Spectrum Disorder” program..,
So yes,
I had a mentor who I still catch up with here and there and that other guy while referring to my mentor was like,
“Why do you stay friends with him when he does not even care!?”
And well,
My mentor was and is just so much MORE understanding and kinder to me than he’d ever be..,

And as for doing stuff for this guy whose no longer in my life,
Well,
I was kind to him,
I went to TWO of his theater performances,
I went along with a lot of stuff that HE wanted to do..,
So now,
He’s out chasing his theater career..,
Or whatever else it is..,

And I’m here struggling..,
Including struggling with letting go of what he and what so many others did to me..,

And I remember he once told me,
That there will come a day,
When I have more friends and I’ll,
“Send him away”,
Yet..,
If he acted like a true friend to me,
If he would have been kind to me the way I was kind to him..,
Then well,
I just may have still remained friends with him today..(?),
..,
So as for why I “sent him away”,
I feel that it..,
Was totally VALID,
I must say..,

And yeah..,
Like I clearly said and/or implied..,
He’d blame me for us getting mad at each other..,
Yet well..,
I’ll have to work on feeling less painful anger,
And more peaceful compassion,
Which I feel will (most probably) help me keep pursuing whatever I want to do,
As he keeps chasing his theater/acting career,

And yep..,
I think/hope that what I said here implies that there was A LOT more..,
Because I can NOT remember all of it,
And I’d say it’s therefore best I continue with my practice of letting go of,

More and more of it

(Re-posted)

Well..,
Even if I can NOT remember exact specific examples,
Even though a lot of it is faded away,
I still remember,
That well,
This guy ALSO caused pointless suffering to me,

And oh I do NOT like how he’s ALSO out making money..,

Even though I may have forget examples,
I remember the spirit,
Of their bullshit..,
Like in little league when he was like,
“Why play for shit if you can’t pay attention!!?”..,
In little league when graciously going through a practice double play..,

And when he participated with my friends by passing by our table and pointing to me to throw the shit out after throwing everyone else’s shit I threw out..,
(Or at least normally would be chosen to throw out..),

And there was when he..,
Told me (to make me feel bad) that I had the “biggest head in the whole school”,
There was that time..,
When he was like “what the fuck are you doing”,
When I was wondering to center field to be in position where the other outfielders were during a tryout for a team which I got cut from..,

Oh forget it..,
He treated me like shit,
Now he’s out making money,
And I’m supposed to be,
“Mr. Pacifist”..,

Ohhhh..,

Fuck him among all the others..,
Yeah..,
Compassion (I believe) is just a step by step process that I have NOT sufficiently arrived at..,

So..,

FUCK HIM..,

As for that,

Yeah..,
Compassion for me,
Just doesn’t come easy

Huhh..,
How about doing LESS analyzing and MORE appreciating of what I’m presently experiencing!!?

Like..,
Uh..(?),
Why is it that if I hear something deep,
I “have to”,
“Fill in the blanks”,
With more words that (of course),
Just exist on the surface,
And are,
(Literally speaking(?)),
NOT,
Deeper life essence,

..,

I hope that was clear,

In essence..,

?

And well..,

I guess I will NOT see humans able to externally (through a human-made structure) travel through dimensions in my lifetime..(?),

Yeah..,

I doubt it..,

And well,
At least sufficiently here and there..,
Why NOT,
Sufficiently,
Just be in the moment..?
While..,
Just..,
NOT..,

Analyzing it..(?),

Huhh..,

I just must,
Remind myself of it