I feel:

For one..,
If I try to “fake it till I make it”,
Many others just,
May NOT “buy it”,
..,
And as for paths to awakening I feel many just do NOT try it,
They may be so set in their ways and feel it’s just “not worth it”(?),
..,
Huhhh..,
I must keep doing what I can that’ll increase the likelihood of me NOT overthinking,
Yet INSTEAD that’ll help me think clear and critical,
And if I obsessively overthink,
Many others just MORE likely may think I’m “delusional”,
And/or however unstable..,
?
And well,
I’m going to keep being real,
And of course I’ll try to keep being,
Peaceful,
Rational and civil,
And I also feel:

One random belief I want to share,
Is that,
Well,
(Although I doubt it..),
If aliens happen to also naturally look like humans,
Then (according to me) that just means life energy manifests in certain similar patterns (regardless if there are deities or not..(?)),
And well..,
Whatever can infinitely newly manifest and/or create and/or “control” whatever and however in the external,
Doesn’t it all come back to,
The SAME,
Life energy?
As the infinitely deeper source?

And well..,
As for whatever infinite new ideas and/or beliefs/deep realizations that can possibly be infinitely more clearly expressed (and that I just may never get to share (even if they pass through my awareness..(?)),
Well,
At least (I believe) the truth is always there(?),
..,
Even if I frequently MISS the chance to convey a certain level of understanding of it(?),
At least it’s always here with me,
..,
At least,
(I believe..),
There’s always that deeper life energy,
That just IS,
And that just does NOT,
NOR can be “perfectly” explained,
Including because its energy,
Not words,
(For example..),

And for example,
Anything new I write about such as..,
Any type of new feeling,
Occurrence..,
In essence..,
I believe,
Can always (at least to some extent(s)),
Be traced back to at least some truth I felt to have talked about before,
?

Such as if,
(For example),
Another person does something mean,
And then I have new words and expressions to describe the negative occurrence,
Yet,
I believe,
Even though there may be infinitely new experiences with infinitely new ways of describing and/or deeply explaining them,
Yet..,
To whatever extent positive or negative,
And/or..,
To whatever extent peaceful or painful,
I feel,
It just comes back to some kind of energy,
(For example),
..,

So,
For example,
However new,
And however newly the occurrence can be described,
The explanation may be the same one,
?
I guess it just may (for example) come back to a same kind of energy(?),

Such as NEW unexpected forms of meanness resulting from the SAME forming and perpetuating unconsciousness,
And to be more positive about this..(?),
I guess(?),
Another example could be(?),
New forms of kind,
Peaceful brilliance,
Due to a deeply discovered awareness,

And yes,
I hope,
Of course,
For there to be less and less perpetuating unconsciousness,
And therefore,
More and more,
Profound awareness,
For profound experience,
That human unconsciousness could NOT have been conscious of because it’s unconscious..,
..,
Hence,
Of course,
I hope for NEW yet CONSCIOUS experiences,

And since I can NOT control the external,
Such as others I may be forced to work and/or interact with..(?),
Such as what happened to me in the past that I can NOT change,
Well,
All I can do,
Is remember,
To keep checking in,
To try to sufficiently see how I’m experiencing within,
Since as for whatever I experience and do,
I believe my inner experiences/inner awareness,
To be,
The foundation,
Such as,
For any of my choices,
Decisions,
And/or actions,

And well,
Even though I can NOT completely alleviate an inner painful feeling through something totally different (than a feeling) such as thinking..,
I’ll just throw it out there,
That,
Hypothetically speaking..,
Especially since I may understand the level of truth I need to remember,
Why write about every new surface occurrence..?
Such as others and their meanness(?),
..,
If I already understand (for example) that it is just another form of unconsciousness..(?),
And if I already know how to stay safe by developing inner peace to stay peaceful and NOT dangerously react NOR be as badly inwardly affected from the toxic energy..(?),

And as for anything I post,
If it implies something deeper,
(The same deep essence I tried pointing to before or not..),
Then why explain myself every time..(?),
Feeling a need to constantly explain myself,
Does get exhausting,
And I do believe if there was more critical awareness,
Then maybe I’d feel like others would come to realize a lot of what I obsessively explain (such as what I put in parenthesis including THIS),
..,
So yes,
I’d guess(?),
If I felt there was MORE critical awareness,
I’d feel a need to explain LESS,
And I hope I do NOT feel an obsessive need to further explain that..,
..,
Just all this feeling of “needing to explain”,
Even if it’s to make myself feel more “secure” and “certain” that someone publicly shared and “explained it”..,
Well,
For me,
It just,
Gets,
Too,
Exhausting,

Essentially I feel that,
If I already sufficiently understand what it is and how to respond to it,
Well..,
I do NOT think I always have to write about it..,
Such as..,
I can remind myself of what I must do,
To,
Just,
Peacefully remain present,

And of course,
If and/or however much I may choose or decide to continue..,
I just may write about whatever I see as fit..(?),
And for “whatever reasons” due to whatever..,
Yet..,

I just thought I’d remind myself,
That no matter the new stuff I experience,
And may feel an obsessive urge to post about,
Well,
At least I feel I already posted about,
And/or remember,
Deeper truths under all of this,
..,
Under any new occurrence(s),
I ever encounter..,

If I miss an opportunity to share what I feel a NEED for others to hear,
At least,
The truth,
Remains with me,

And an example of what I believe to be a deeper truth,
Is that underneath any type of individual and/or collective action and/or interdependent functioning,
Is,
A type,
Of developed,
and/or uniquely shaped over time,
(However conscious or unconscious),
Awareness,
..,
Such as (of course) any extents of recurring physical,
mental,
verbal,
emotional,
and/or spiritual traumas,
That an individual (or group) is to whatever extent(s) consciously healed from..(?),
..,
For example..,
To different extents,
People may experience trauma that uniquely develops insecurity which they uniquely handle in different ways..,
Whether it’s to try to “make up” for it by bullying others (how their parents bullied them which may be traced back to a species’ unconscious survival reactions to harsh geographic conditions aside from whatever other experiences (such as safety from predators even if they were predators (such as an Allosaurus trying NOT to get killed then eaten by another Allosaurus(?)) that also unconsciously shaped subsequent perpetual social behavior..(?)) and/or an example of this bullying to try to “compensate” for insecurity that has been exacerbated by psychological trauma (for example) may be through political and corporate power..(?),
Whether it’s to “block it out” through self-medication and/or prescriptions,
Or whether it’s to further consciously heal and/or further truly awaken through inner healing awareness practices..,
Etc, etc..,
?

And yes..,
I guess,
Just maybe..,
I just did NOT need to explain all that..(?),

And with me obsessively including the parenthesis possibly making it more confusing for whoever decides to read instead of skimming over that..(?),
Well,
In a basic nutshell..(?),
Essentially,
I believe,
Dominant survival needs,
Shaped a dominant type of inner awareness (or unawareness),
That has been passed down from species as they evolved from generation to generation..,

?

I’ll add that I believe that,
(And I guess to somewhat reword it..(?)),
As species evolved,
So did their awareness,
Such as,
Whether it was to feel a need to emotionally suppress,
Or consciously awaken..(?),

And as for whatever may be infinitely NEW,
That can be infinitely explained,
I believe,
Life energy,
To be,
The SAME,

And I hope that was sufficiently CLEAR,
And as always,
I hope to safely remain,
Clear,
And therefore,
Inwardly,

Peaceful,

And yep,
I’d say,
A lot of it comes back to,
How I safely handle my response to inevitable experience(s),
Internally,

Yep,
For me it has NOT been easy,
Yet I try to keep seeking,
Increasing,
Peace,

Within me

I feel:

Huhh..,
In addition to always questioning,
Or..,
(For example),
I must research the research,
Because (in my belief) any research comes from a type of consciousness,
With,
A type of intentions,
That has been shaped over time,
Which may shape how the research is presented(?),
And I must try to find which interests the research supports(?)
..,
Such as..,
Do the research conclusions support a quick instant gratification “solution” to problems?
Or would the results of the research promote a need for a deeper,
More widespread inner awakening journey(?),
That is required to heal any type of human individual and/or interdependent struggles(?),

And as for trauma,
Maybe common unconscious reactions,
To common (or similar) traumatic experiences?
(Whether common big traumas or many small ones.., Or however and whatever types of traumas that build over time..),
Causes a common (or dominant) type of psychological functioning (or dysfunctioning)?
That underlies a common (or dominant) type of culture (or cultures)?

And well..,
As for (for example) human functioning..,
Well..,
I just believe,
That trauma,
Whether that’s been passed down from history,
From how most (and/or many) species evolved in response to their environment..,
Huhh..,
I believe that,
Even as for those who may be deeply analytically aware of how they’ve been traumatized(?),
I feel that..,
Trauma,
Still,
Shapes dominant societal/cultural functioning,

Hence,
I just decided to title this,
“Post-Traumatic Culture”,

Similar to my “Traumatized Hierarchy” post,
Or I guess(?) I could also title it..,
“Unconscious hierarchy”,
Because (based on my beliefs (resulting from my perceptions as they were shaped over time)),
Many seek to look for a sense of security externally,
With different present abilities,
Capabilities,
And levels of power..,
In the traumatized hierarchy,
..
And of course,
(As I believe..),
It is a conveniently unquestioned culture,
That disregards discovering and/or accessing any experience that is more fulfilling and deeper,
..,
And even those who may be deeply aware of their unhealed inner trauma,
Well..,
I believe that even many of them just still choose to go along with this..,
And to speak for why I’ve felt to go along with it..,
Is because as for deepening my consciousness in a healthy way..,
Well..,
I’ve felt quite alone in my efforts with that..,
So..,
Consciousness expansion that could help me such as with having the needed awareness to make more and more helpful decisions..,
Well..,
I’ve just felt alone in my efforts at it,
Which has made discouragement far more dangerous and powerful,
Since it’s been hard for me to feel sufficiently connected to those who ALSO seek to inwardly consciously better themselves in order to have a clear (and/or better) ability for anything they chose to do externally..,
And of course,
Have more and/or deeper,
Natural,
Conscious peace,
Internally,

In my belief(s),
..
Since our innate individual unique levels of unaware sensitivity did not always (or did not often) prepare us for geographical,
environmental,
and/or any form(s) of inevitable survival adversity,
..,
Because we may have NOT responded to forms of adversity,
In ways that could have developed us to access and discover the most or a sufficient and significant level of capability for whatever we pursue and however we help ourselves to also help society..,

Essentially..,
Because as for many,
I’d guess(?),
Adversity tended to traumatize instead of awaken..,
Well..,
I would guess(?),
A lot of cultural beliefs and/or functioning,
Underlies a post-traumatic dominant awareness,
And/or dominant traumatized unconsciousness,
(That people experience most of the time(?))..,

And no,
Even though what I’m sharing in writing here is NOT a research paper (except for maybe one brief citation..(?)),
Still..,
A lot of people I’ve had the chance to interact with,
Have shared with me (confidential) traumatic stuff that happened to them in their lives,
And how they chose and still choose to deal with it..,
And well,
I just view myself as one of those people..,
..,
And I would say many of my posts make that clear,

Such as how I’ve extensively posted about bullying experiences that have exacerbated my innate inner emotional hyper-reactivity,
Therefore leading me to experience immense social apprehension and/or anxiety..,
And therefore in order to “chill” and/or become on the same wavelength..,
I’ll be more susceptible,
To life-shortening “quick-fix” medication such as alcohol..,
(If not ever becoming excessively forced some psychiatric prescription(?) and therefore becoming another victim of a very powerful drug industry that insatiably seeks power and makes money in ways that include heavy prescriptions and bribing scientists to fabricate research to support those levels of prescriptions and therefore blaming side-effects on other (non-prescription related) “causes” and of course a cause of the industry’s insatiable egoic power hungry mentality may just be dominant cultural TRAUMA and unmet inner healing needs that have perpetuated culturally (or unconsciously permeated a culture(?)) including most of those and their traumatized unconsciousness that perpetuates the institutional functioning..(?)),
And NO I do NOT intend to get political,
It just,
To me..,
Seems to be a very likely possibility..(?),
And to NOT get political I will try NOT to say where and when this may be occurring..(?),
Yet,
Well..,
Just thought I’d create a hypothetical..,
?

And to be real,
I’d say it’s obvious that the world is immensely dysfunctional,
I’d say it’s obvious that more inner conscious development work,
May help just about anyone (if not everyone) make the world more ethically function..(?),

And I feel it’s like a (however simple) equation..,
Trauma PLUS UNmet inner awareness needs EQUALS Troubled individuals (or it more likely will equal that..(?)),

Hence..,
More traumatized individuals with more UNmet inner healing awareness needs will MORE likely make choices and/or decisions and/or actions based on their unhealed traumatized unconscious awareness..,
Hence,
In my belief,
Unhealed inner psychological trauma underlies a human’s behavior and/or decision making..,
(Source: Bessel Van Der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score” (2014), page 3, Penguin Books, New York, New York)
..,
(And no (once again) I do NOT intend for this to be a research/political paper and I say that so anyone who might want to (if ever) say “You back up practically NONE of your claims!” will NOT as likely successfully discredit what I said.., and of course this is mostly what I feel to be true.., including my belief that no matter how clear I am I can NOT get everyone to understand.. and (not to be a dickhead) maybe their trauma is preventing them from being open to it..(?) yet ANYWAY..),
And to relate it back to a society of individuals who are now traumatized,
And therefore perpetually insatiable and INSECURE..,
Well..,
There may be a culture of competition to try to make up for that inner insecurity by trying to become a “winner”,
Hence..,
The unconscious ego has been exacerbated by traumatic experiences..,
And as for most,
Traumatic experiences,
Such as getting bullied and/or verbally abused,
May have exacerbated egoic insecurity in someone,
INSTEAD of awakening them..,
So now because their insecurity has been exacerbated..,
They’ll now..,
Feel an insatiable need to make up for their sense of “inferiority”,
By getting “all the power in the world”,
And since (in my belief) the ego looks externally for “security”,
The ego NEVER heals it’s inner sources of insecurity..,
Such as feelings of inferiority due to trauma from abuse such as bullying and/or abuse from parents,
Etc..,
Etc..,
So even though this is NOT research based..,
Can we find real examples of this..?
Can we find someone whose messed up past has made them so INSECURE that they just can NOT stand losing at anything?
Someone who is always “in it to win it?”
Well..,
Are they an example of perpetuating this competition based culture that tries to “compensate” for insecurity due to trauma..(?),
Would they be an example of a culture that values competition to “win” and make up for insecurity that has been EXACERBATED by growing feelings of inferiority resulting from repeated traumatic abuse..?
Hence..,
The results of this trauma created a need to compensate for feeling inferior,
This mainstream need to compensate for insecurity (exacerbated by any form(s) of unhealed trauma) created a need to make up for that insecurity by creating a culture of COMPETITION..,
..,
Hence in this regard,
A culture of “survival of the fittest”,
And/or a culture that values brutal competition..,
May just be,
A,
“Post-traumatic”,
Culture..?

Yet..,
Capitalist or NOT,
I would say,
Any form of HIERARCHY,
Any cultural (and/or) political structure,
With most members (or any) who insatiably seek to have power over any others,
In order to compensate for insecurity through (even violent) power and authority..,
Developed that tremendous insecurity (that they are trying to compensate for),
As a result of their unhealed past traumatic experiences..,
So yes..,
I would THEREFORE guess..(?),
That a lot of abusive hierarchies,
Result from unhealed traumatic experience(s)..,
??

Okay..,
And yes,
This just may not be a “poem”..,
And is definitely NOT figurative..,
And well..,
Since I’m revising this..,
I’ll just keep going with this..,

So to me it additionally seems that:

Dominant cultural/ways of life mentalities emerged from the underlying traumatized personal development (of most of its members and/or certain ones in power(?)),
And since emphasizing proper ways of internally healing the post traumatic pain,
Or any type of pain,
Did NOT become the dominant culture,
Therefore..,
The post traumatic,
Or traumatized/emotionally damaged culture,
Kept perpetuating,
Kept damaging and limiting many people’s awareness and cognitive abilities (including) of REALIZING new profound ways of finding meaning,

And I obsessively explain,
Due to large fears of anyone excessively NOT understanding me,
Largely because (as it seems to me) critical thinking and awareness was NOT and is NOT culturally emphasized,
Since (as I believe) a lot of us have been damaged and/or limited and of course many of us remain unhealed and unawakened,
And since we reinforced our behaviors without needed inner awareness to sufficiently access what could have led us to sufficiently consistent profound experience..,
(Speaking for myself and what I assume to be the case of many in US society especially..(?)),

Instead of inwardly consciously healing the trauma and inner pain,
The dominant mentality became unconscious insatiable external gratification seeking,
Which manifests in various forms,
Including different gender roles,
Such as some succumbing to “gold digging”,
While others could NOT (in whatever other forms) stop excessively,
materialistically acquiring,
..,
Without most people,
Opening to new ways of finding far deeper,
clearer,
profoundly gratifying ways of experiencing,

Partly due to,
Fearing an identity crisis(?),
Or becoming sucked into a dangerously worse alternative than their current unconsciousness, traumatized and/or damaged world views,
That have always limited their capabilities of experience,
While the deeper means of experience,
Remained unaccessed and undiscovered,
Due to,
(As previously mentioned (I guess)),
Various fear of harmful change,
Due to being conveniently locked in to irrational insecurity,
Due to insufficiently healed inner awareness,
So new undiscovered inner awareness,
Tragically remained unaccessed,

And some may become so traumatized,
And unconsciously react or become damaged in ways,
That cause them to view,
Anyone with a different belief than their own,
As a “threat to their existence”(?),
And therefore their internal dominant unconscious irrationality,
May cause them to harm,
kill,
or somehow brutally oppress those of different groups and/or anyone of different opinions or beliefs systematically,
Including threatening to kill those who go against their beliefs,
ways of life,
Or whoever challenges their one and only “truth”,
..
So evidently,
Unprocessed,
unhealed trauma,
I believe,
May increase FEAR,
Catastrophically(?),

And on a more micro level..(?),
Well..,
Of course there’s those who have had traumatic experiences,
Negatively affect their development and of course,
Hurt their ability to make good choices and/or decisions,
So now they may be in whatever desperate circumstances,
And at least some of them,
May just be willing to harm me(?),
In order to get basic needs met,
Such as robbing me in order to have enough money to survive (thus making it harder for me to survive in exchange..),
Or they’ll do whatever to me,
All (or largely) because they did NOT get help healing their trauma and that unhealed trauma has therefore underlied all their bad decision making..,

And as a hypothetical..,
Maybe they did not know how to clear inner emotional pain from the trauma..,
So they became more susceptible to drug abuse,
Which overall caused their life to fall apart..,
And since they don’t have access to viable inner healing support,
Nor really any kind of support..,
They now look to screw over others (who did nothing to them) in order to get their needs met..(?),
..,
And of course..,
Harsh impoverished living conditions may have a harsh traumatic effect on anyone which may damage them psychologically as well..(?),
..,
And of course,
There are the lucky ones,
Who learn how to heal their trauma and therefore further psychologically equip themselves for survival,
?

Some may make it out,
While others,
Never make it..(?),

Hence I believe,
Trauma (from being a victim of abuse (for example)) that exacerbates the ego and/or its insecurity,
May INCREASE fear of what does NOT need to be feared..,
(Such as other people and groups),
..,
And (in my belief) since fear makes the ego feel inferior,
The ego may therefore HATE what it fears..(?),
..,
Hence,
Excessive fear of others,
May create,
Excessive hate of others,
(For example),
?

And well,
Essentially,
Unhealed trauma that causes inner pain to oneself,
And others,
May just,
Horrifically..,
Collectively manifest(?),
In the functioning of institutions,
Belief systems,
And/or whatever form(s) of hierarchy,
And/or of course,
Culture,
?

And well..,
If inner development needs go UNmet for long enough,
If NOT enough people learn how to prepare themselves and/or respond to inevitable very painful experiences in ways that do NOT overall deeply worsen their functioning?
Will humanity survive?
..,
If NOT enough humans consciously awaken,
Will extinction happen?

And well,
I feel,
Since there’s just a lot I just can NOT control,
As I try my best,
I feel I must,
Further,
Work on inner peacefulness,
That I believe,
Will help me feel LESS and LESS inwardly weighed down,
And MORE and MORE inwardly empowered,
To help in as many ways as I can,
That may just be required,
?

Hence,
Of course,
I hope peace,
Is further and further,
Acquired

I feel that:

Huhh..,
As for what I respond to externally and internally,
I struggle yet try to,
Respond with more and more,
Chill,
Peaceful energy..,

For one..,
Sometimes a lot of energy passes through me that I struggle to have the words for,
Yet..,
As (I think) I made clear before..(?),
Since words are words,
I can never perfectly capture a feeling (because a feeling is a feeling and therefore NOT words),
And if I end up forgetting what I want to put in words..,
Well,
Deeper,
Clearer and more concise words may just,
At another point in time,
More peacefully arise within me..(?),
..,
And/or,
I may experience deeper,
More clear,
More peaceful inner energy..,
Hence..,
The obsessive need to word stuff may just be LESS painfully bothering me..(?),

As for pertaining to negativity,
For example,
I’ll emphasize that if I get negative,
Or if I think negatively about the fact of there being excessive dominant negativity ((such as) in response to a negative reality),
Then I’ll just add more negativity,
And I would say that a cause of that is excessive thinking (as an unconscious response to immensely painful adversity) because excessive thinking (for me) adds more uncomfortable tension (especially if negative),
And because thinking is just thinking and NOT inner healing,
So therefore thinking just will NOT help reduce inner tension NOR address sources of it,
I therefore feel it’ll (especially if negative) create more inner toxic tension..,
..,
Hence,
Thoughts are energy,
(Source: Michael Singer, “The Untethered Soul” (2007), page 41, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, California),
..,
So if thoughts are therefore “energy”,
Then,
If I’m only adding negative thoughts,
I’m only adding more inner negative energy,

Of course,
The ego may seek negativity in order to feel a sense of “superiority” such as “righteousness” over what is negative(?),
And it may do this insatiably(?),
Hence I must detach from its negative thoughts..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 66, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And..,
Especially with obsessive thinking,
Trying to think my way out of it will cause overthinking,
Especially because (in my belief) thinking feeds on thinking and can NOT be solved by thinking..,
And if the obsessive thinking is irrational,
Then well..,
Rational thinking will do nothing,
Hence,
Even if my mind is what’s mostly making me feel bad..,
I must look elsewhere to solve my problem(s) that do NOT rely on the mind..,
And/or do NOT rely on thinking..,
..,
Such as practicing,
Reducing inner painful resistance of what I can NOT change,
And cultivating more inner peace,
And therefore LESS inner weight,
LESS inner energy depletion because of inner tension,
And therefore MORE inner peaceful POWER,
(Of course.., that may be consciously used for good(?)),

And well..,
Since I can NOT solve obsessive thinking through thinking,
Since how I can word it,
Or..,
How I can describe it,
Appears infinite,

?

Well,
(For example),
The bad energy I may write about,
May just,
Most likely,
Subsequently,
Keep bothering me,
Such as always thinking of more negativity..,

?

So..,
Instead,
Of always trying to “figure it out” in my mind,
(Or in my thoughts..),
Well,
I’ll,
Once again,
Try to come back to my inner body,
To take what I see as viable steps to clear inner toxic tension..,
And therefore I’ll hopefully,
Find at least some degree,
Of peace within me,
?

Especially,
Since I just can NOT think my way,
Out of,
Whatever,
To whatever degree,
That,
Just happens to painfully bother me,

Hence,
(Regardless of whatever comes first.. or may usually come first(?).. that being “thinking” or “stress”),
..,
Thinking how to solve inner stress that is caused by thinking,
May just create more thinking that (therefore) causes more inner stress,
Hence,
Once again,
It just seems to me..,
The problem can NOT be solved by more thinking..,

And,
(As for negativity..),
Negative thinking feeds off of negative thinking,
Hence,
Pain feeds off of pain..,
And I guess(?) as Eckhart Tolle refers to it,
I can call it the “pain-body”,
And sometimes of course,
If unhealed,
The pain can build,
Then explode out,
Then build and (however partially or however much) explode out again..,
So yeah..,
Since the negative/painful energy feeds on itself,
It will explode out of me,
Then seek to (I guess(?)) as Eckhart says “replenish” itself..,
Hence,
UNLESS I can (hopefully) consciously clear it..,
Pain feeding energy will build up and explode pain out of me again,
(Such as an emotional outburst, etc, etc..),
And so on and so on..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), pages 142-146, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And to throw it out there..,
Well,
I feel I must continually try to continually consciously DISidentify,
From all that stored pain from getting bullied that my ego feels a need to remind itself of being morally superior towards,
And that my ego needs to “identify” as..,
That being.. an autistic “victim” which other egos “owe” (for example),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 87, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
(Source: Mark Manson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, (2016), page 55, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, New York),
..,
And whatever it may be,
The more I consciously recognize and disidentify from the pain within me,
The LESS power I give to my pain-body,
The LESS pain builds in me and explodes out of me..,
And the LESS likely a minor instance of disrespect ends up being “the straw that breaks my back”,

And OHH YES,
May we remember the DANGERS of a collective PAIN-BODY victim mentality,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) pages 154-155, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
May more people do a better job at avoiding build up that could be quite catastrophic,
Such as (of course) opposing collective ego build up,
That ERUPTS,
Into war,
..,
May more and more humans do a better job at giving up the violent (unconscious pain-feeding) and power insatiable ego (however collective or not..),
May humans HOLD each other accountable,
Including NOT seeking to harm others for what their ancestors did to their literal collective group members,
..,
And yes,
Deep down I’m MORE than a guy with autism,
And at the same time,
I am NOT responsible for what my ancestors NOR what people who may look like me did..,
And as for what I can do about it,
Well..,
Inner peace,
For me,
Is of course,
A foundational step(?),
..,
Since as I believe,
The energy I experience internally is what I emanate externally,

And of course this is NOT to disregard history,
NOT to disregard unconscious systemic discrimination of any kind that may psychologically and/or however immensely harm people,
It’s so we REMEMBER to NOT carry MORE negative energy than we NEED,
YES,
I agree there are STILL a lot of problems and dysfunction,
Yet I feel I must peacefully accept that (regardless of however I may try helping out (in addition to making blog posts (even though maybe not that many will ever read them..(?))..)),
Well,
I just must accept that I can NOT instantly fix the situation(s),
So why carry more negativity that results from frustration over what I can NOT control..?
Obviously..,
Excessive negativity will just do more damage to me..,

The more my ego (unconscious thinking) tries to validate itself by thinking,
The more it tries to solidify it’s “secure”,
“separate”,
And “special” sense of itself,
Yet..,
The MORE I recognize and detach my awareness from the ego,
The MORE my ego (and/or unconsciousness) is weakened..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005) pages 64-73, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And of course,
The more I recognize my pain-body,
Or whatever forms of unconsciousness there are,
..,
Essentially..,
The more aware of my awareness I am,
Or,
The more of my awareness I’m aware of,
And the more often I’m aware of it..,
The more conscious I become..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 182, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And..,
Like how Eckhart Tolle said in “The Power of Now”,
That,
“The problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind”,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now” (1997) page 47, Namaste Publishing and New World Library, Novato, California),
Yes..,
I must sufficiently remind myself,
To detach from dangerous unconsciousness such as overthinking,
And/or toxic negativity,
And if I remember to sufficiently put in the proper work,
Of course I believe it will MORE likely be worth it since I’ll therefore feel,
MORE,
POSITIVE,

And..,
As I posted about somewhere previously,
(And/or repeatedly..(?)),
Well..,
The MORE I accept what I just can NOT avoid NOR change,
The MORE inner peace I may just have(?),
And the LESS painful inner resistance there will be to make my present life experience worse,

Of course,
To accept,
Yes,
I can understand what I must do,
Yet in addition to mentally understanding,
Well,
I feel I must,
Stop,
Merely relying,
On thinking,

For reasons such as,
Thoughts are not inner healing practices,
And if I want to feel better,
If I want to have less painful reactions to what I can NOT control,
Well,
Since thinking alone will NOT change the inner sensations of the pain I’m feeling,
I’d say,
I must go deeper,
Than merely just,
Thinking,

?

And well,
If I find myself painfully overthinking,
I’d say I can EITHER toxically self-medicate and numb myself,
Swinging my overthinking in one direction for it to come back even harder when I sober up..(?),
OR..,
I can direct my attention AWAY from overthinking and INSTEAD focus on my natural flowing breathing,
Including consciously witnessing my inner sensations happening,
And therefore,
The more I remove my attention from the current of overthinking,
The less energy I use to try staying afloat in it,
And the more energy I have to keep developing myself in a more deeply needed way,

And well..,
Aside from the intoxicants as a result creating more overthinking when sober,
They just may also possibly exacerbate inner pain at some point as well (even (at least sometimes) when under the influence)..?
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), page 149, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

Hence,
In response to overthinking and/or any forms of inner pain,
I can numb myself,
Or I can awaken from it..,
I can go (as Eckhart Tolle discusses) “above” or “below” thought..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 229, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And of course,
With LESS harmful self-medication,
And LESS overall overthinking inner tension,
The MORE likely I’ll have cleared more inner toxins that cause inner tension due to overthinking and therefore making me less aware of how to make good decisions and therefore I’ll INSTEAD be more aware and can do better at AVOIDING more bad decision making..,

So the more I clear my excessive thoughts,
The more clearly I’ll be able to think,
And the more clearly I’ll see,
The decisions I must make,
That’ll most likely,
Best benefit me,

And the better I feel due to more natural inner peace coming to me,
The more motivated I just might be(?),
To continue with my practice of developing more and longer lasting peace within me(?),

And yes I still struggle with this,
Yet..,
I just thought I’d remind myself of this..,

And of course I do NOT intend to rewrite NOR take credit of certain stuff of what Eckhart Tolle, Mark Manson, Michael Singer or whoever else said..,
I do NOT intend for my ego to (for example) take credit for realizations pertaining to deeply gratifying empowering egolessness..,
..,
And well,
I feel a lot of inner realizations I’ve read,
I also felt to have previously understood (at least at some point) through self-discovery,
So..,
Well..,
Many self-discoveries may just be common through common (and/or similar) inner awakening practices..?
Or whatever are the practices..(?),

And yes,
Sometimes (if not often) I struggle to keep with,
What for me may likely be,
A viable,
Practice,

I guess(?) one cliché I can also remember,
Is that to get better I need to practice..,

Huhhh..,

I’m just trying to not be more tense than I need to..,
I’m just trying to notice..,
Without adding any additional inner tense resistance..,

Huhh..,

Ahhhhh

I believe:
That egos,
(In addition to however else they can be threatened),
Feel threatened by being told,
That they have a “big ego”,
By other egos,
Since it’s the ego,
That can NOT handle any criticism,
No matter how peaceful the criticism is..,
And of course..,
No matter how factual it is..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 99, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

Yes..,
No matter the extent(s) others judge me,
As a “winner” or “loser”,
Or whatever..,
I do NOT want to have it ruin my present,

I want to witness,
As any unconscious current(s) may pass,

I feel,
I must catch myself,
When I get caught up,
In my ego causing me to get derailed by how other egos think of it(?),
So yeah..,
Even though I “know” what is more important to care about,
I must catch myself,
Such as when I get angry,
Due to making assumptions about what others may be assuming about me..(?),
Because if I get too emotionally derailed,
I may unconsciously act in a way,
That just may,
Be deadly,
?

So I must be “aware of my awareness”,
Sufficiently..,
(Source: Michael A. Singer, “The Untethered Soul”, (2007), page 31, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, California),

And as for that ego validation..,
Well..,
The MORE attached I become,
The HARDER it may be,
For me to let go..

So I’m..,
Just tryna chill,

I think you know

?

(I wrote the first draft of this post on March 11th, 2022)

While on a road trip to see family with my mom in St. Louis county..,
While stopped in the car after a lot of driving for a rest in some parking lot in Illinois..
While I couldn’t sleep..,
And after struggling to meditate in the car..,
I swiped on Tinder..,
And as expected..,
The negativity once again filled me..,

Since..,
This woman on Tinder (in addition to a shit-tone of judgmental meanness in her bio (such as “it doesn’t matter how tall you are, you’re still a twat”)) ends her bio with,
..
“If you don’t have a job, I can’t stand to look at you”,
..
Instead of just politely inquiring something such as “I would like to know what you do for work..?”
So essentially,
Her bio description (similar to countless others I’ve seen..),
Emanated all this mainstream bullyish (and/or of course.. JUDGMENTAL) immensely painful negativity,
Instead of compassion,
Instead of showing any signs of positive inner awareness to emanate a kind good spirit,
To not make it harder for POWERLESS INDIVIDUALS (like me) to experience less excessive inner bullshit,
..
And instead of saying something to help anyone (even herself) move towards more feelings of confidence and inner EMPOWERMENT…
So we inwardly struggle with LESS and instead have an easier time looking for and KEEPING a job..,

She could’ve said..
“I like to meditate”,
(And of course I DOUBT she does..),
Yet if she tries to she probably sucks at it due to all her unprocessed and uncleared inner HATE..,
That (as in her bio),
She seemingly uncontrollably happens to EMANATE..,
..
Not saying that deep down I’m any “better”..,
Yet I’d never want to work with anyone like her..,
And yeah I do feel I’m far nicer,

And since at places I’ve worked..,
I’ve worked with so much people like her,
And like..,
How does that make me obtain and keep a new job any damn easier!!?

How does criticism (or abusive energy) like her’s,
Help someone like me,
Feel less inwardly weighed down to make (as I said),
Obtaining and keeping a job,
Feel sufficiently tolerable or adequately meaningfully sustainable!!?
..
Instead of being filled with more painful demons that contribute to horrible insecurity and obsessive behavior that caused me to quit my last job!!?
..
Because all the damn negativity exacerbated my unhealed past history,
Resulting in brutal obsessive compulsive,
Excessive perfectionist behavior,
To try to feel more “secure”,
(Such as repeatedly filming juggling videos while having to first put on my clothes the “proper way”.. etc.. etc.. etc.. causing me to do the most irrational obsessive behavior for my insatiable damaged ego to feel “better” about itself since other egos made it feel horrible about itself.. Instead of more of us doing a better job at inwardly clearing our insatiable egos that don’t make us happy because instead of healing ourselves internally they never seem to stop looking externally.. (in my belief)),

And I know I could have become better at staying strong in the negativity and inwardly practicing being less hurt by it,

But still..,
It was people like her,
Who made keeping a job..,
So..
So much damn harder..,

And since I got triggered by her I swiped right,
So incase I “matched” while then visiting the midwest,
..
I could have gave her a piece of my mind,

And no matter how (even politely) rational I could be,
She wouldn’t respond rationally,
Since she’s filled with unconscious abusive insatiable power hungry toxicity..,
That’s what I’d say is a likely unfortunate probability..,

And I got triggered..,
Because seemingly,
(Regardless of whatever she’s been or going through..),
I HIGHLY DOUBT she has been through what I been through and what I’m still going through,
(Such as autism and all that bullshit I post about..),

Yet I know..,
If a person such as that emanates energy that is hurtful,
Then they’re probably hurting,
Etc, etc..,

??

So essentially,
Lucky for her..,
Keeping a job is seemingly WAY easier,
So I wish that description did NOT make me feel more upset,
And less motivated to look for work because just why the f*ck would I want to work with and please anyone like her!!?

Yet I get it,
I’m still accountable,
And I can NOT avoid sharing a world and work environments with people as unconscious and emotionally brutal as her,
And I just feel that it,
Just has too often for me,
Felt..,
Brutal..,
And sometimes it is so painful that I try to block out my truth and believe what other unconscious egos believe ..
Yet for me it just never seemed to work,
And sadly all that negativity seemingly impinges anyone’s inner capability..,
(Based on what it seems to me..),

Yet..,
I’ll keep trying to consciously detach from the negativity..,
I’ll try to be at more peace with what I can NOT change NOR avoid in reality..,

In my belief,
That kind of negativity,
Just prevents us from discovering and accessing new capabilities that could be reached and infinitely expanded upon in infinite ways..(?),

And I wish I was NOT as triggered by her,
And I wish I did NOT feel a NEED to write all this..,
So I wish her stupid bio wasn’t a “straw that broke my back” once again..,
And caused me to get pissed off and go through the trouble feeling pressured to post about it..,

Essentially..,
I don’t want this kind of stuff to get to me,
I don’t want those like her either to (of course) trigger plenty other bad or painful memories..,

And yes,
I do like writing,
And it helps make me feel I’m contributing in ways that are meaningful such as ATTEMPTING at expressing anything that may be helpful to myself and anyone when or after reading..(?),

But I’m just so done getting excessively triggered and way more negatively affected by the bullshit than I need to be..,

And NOT like I’d prefer experiencing my severe OCD which brutally inhibits my functioning instead of helping me having a job essential for contributing to society..,
So (as I’d guess(?)) she’s lucky she’s working and decently functioning!!
She’s lucky she definitely does NOT have autism or never had to do the work to OVERCOME all (or most of) it!!
(Yes.. as they say “you never know”.. but (as for her having autism like me) I highly doubt it..),
She’s lucky she has friends!!
She’s lucky she has had experiences that made her more confident to get more from the present!!

Okay Okay,
I get it..
I could be having it way worse,
And she’s (most probably(?)) not having it the best,
Or else she wouldn’t have said that in her bio..,
Don’t know..?

And I know..,
I’ll further remind myself that..,
In my belief..,
The energy we emanate externally may (I guess) indicate what we’re experiencing internally,
So to me it ALSO seems very likely..,
That she’s NOT preferably adjusted..,
So it’s very likely that I would NOT prefer to be her,

Nor would I prefer to feel the way I feel in this presence..,
And of course..,
I believe,
Hating others who hate..,
Seems to pass..,
Especially if we know how to properly work towards letting it go..?

And sometimes..,
..
Not most of the time..,
Yet..,
Sometimes,

Certain moments just feel great,

And of course,
I believe,
There’s always a deeper friendlier beingness,
Under the hate

I know I’m accountable,
Yet I’m not perfect,
And I feel I,
Really struggle..,

And I feel,
It hurts when,
I feel,
Others,
Just don’t feel,
To try to be,
Helpfully,
Real,

I try to include what I feel I should,
Whether it’s a feeling,
And/or idea,
And/or citation,
Yet I feel I can NOT sufficiently,
Precisely spot when I’m obsessively overly doing it,
Or whatever is a clearer way to communicate that..,
Such as including,
That,
(I guess (?)),
And that..,
(I guess (?)),

Yet as for,
My belief that,
Since perfection is infinite,
I can never be “perfect”,
Yet I feel,
That doesn’t always alleviate the feeling,
And I guess as you can see,
That’s another example of how I believe I’m continually struggling,

Anyway,
I believe I feel that:

I can NOT mention every mean,
Hurtful,
Damaging,
thing (or action (?)) someone did to me,
And/or,
Whatever I witness or see,

Such as not yet (if ever including),
The mean girl on Tinder,
The mean guy at Carmine’s who scolded the homeless woman and wanted her out of the way,
Not to help her yet instead get her out of the way..,
I hope it’s reasonably clear what I’m trying to say..,
Well..,
As for that,
When he,
Understandably,
Yelled at her repeating,
“I don’t want to hear your story!!”
“I don’t want to hear your story!!”
I understand that of course he was too busy,
Yet for me,
It didn’t make it less painful,
For me,
To hear,
To see,
..,
Ohhhh and I looked at him as he looked at me,
..,
Oh yes..,
..,
This may very likely,
Stick with me,
..,
As always,
There’s way more,
In addition to what I did not share (if ever),
About that story..,
Oh I remember just before,
Seeing (thanks to my mom’s friend) “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child”,
On broadway,
..,
And yes,
As I considered sharing more of what happened that day in my post titled “Deeper Beingness under Cruelness”..,
Well..,
That just included more of what happened that day..,

And of course,
As for that guy and his understandable,
Yet hard to witness,
Meanness,
Well..,
Of course,
Even though he could’ve more kindly told the woman to move,
Or (if being the case) his Carmine’s supervisor could have just not minded it especially since the woman wasn’t even close to the entrance..,
So yes..,
Even though he just happened to act mean and/or straight up unconscious,
I also believe that (like me and the homeless woman),
He is also part,
Of a deeper,
More kind,
Neutral,
Conscious and peaceful,

Life essence,

So knowing that..,
Just may (at least somewhat),
Help with,
Peaceful,
Forgiveness

?

And here’s another one about taking stuff less personally,
And yeah,
It’s not just me,
Hence,
Maybe,
Just about (if not everyone(?)),
Can benefit from taking stuff less personally..?

Okay so essentially,
If I share examples of someone who did stuff I was hurt by,
I’m attacking what they did,
Not their deeper essence,
And I’m NOT attack them “as a person” even,

(At least I try attacking their actions and NOT their humanity..),

It’s the unconscious meanness that may have inwardly inhabited who they are,
Yet is just,
Not who they or any of us..,
Is,
(In my belief..),

As I talked about in my post titled “As well”,
..,
So yes,
If I’m critical of a set of actions of any others,
Such as whatever they may have said or done to me,
It’s not them as a person,
It’s merely,
Where it came from and what they did to me,
Such as referring to unconscious energy,

And yeah,
In my belief,
It did not come from,
The “deepest parts” of them,
It was just a form,
Or forms,
Of,
Unconscious energy..,

And to throw it out there,
I (of course) feel I must remind myself,
To NOT add negativity,
As a result of any level of negative reality,
Such as complaining about even a dominant excessive “negative mentality” as a common response to any negative reality,
Since that will just,
Add more,
Negativity,

And even when not meditating,
Well,
I feel I must,
Just keep,
Consciously detaching,
From any inner currents of toxic energy,
So they do NOT grown in strength,
And (instead) therefore take over LESS and LESS of my inner attention,

I’d say I believe that..,
The more I spot excessive negativity,
(That of course does nothing but makes me feel worse..),
The more I have the opportunity,
To remove my attention from its current of depleting my awareness,

The more I spot excessive negative energy,
The more I can pull myself out of dangerously sinking deeper and deeper into it,
Of course..,
If I consciously stick with it..,

The more I spot inner negativity,
The more of an opportunity I have to remove my awareness from it’s forces,
And INSTEAD,
Try to,
Take the most needed steps I see,
To develop the kind of peaceful awareness,
That’ll instead,
Most likely help me access more of my deeper ability,
That’ll MORE likely HELP me,
(The best it can),
In any reality

If someone disrespects me,
I’m NOT going to keep faking the positivity,

If someone acts mean to me,
I’m NOT going to act like nothing happened in order to not “kill the vibe”,

All I ask,
Is to be treated kindly,
Yet sadly,
That seems like too much of a challenge for too many,

And well,
I hope for it to be positive,
Peaceful,
Yet ethical and of course real,

And well,
I’ll try to be as chill as I can,
In whatever I can NOT avoid NOR control,

I feel,
The only one I have control over is me,
So yes,
I’ll work on peacefulness and NOT adding inner painful stress due to what I can NOT avoid,
What I can NOT change NOR control such as others being mean to me,

Although it may seem impossible quite frequently(?),
Well..,
I’ll just keep trying,
To increase,
And sustain peace,
Within me

I feel that,

In addition to me taking stuff less personally,
Well,
I feel others should as well,

So yeah,
Even if I include examples of what someone did to me that I did not like,
Well,
It does NOT mean I feel the deepest essence of the person’s beingness is like that,

Yet regardless,
I’m NOT perfect either and others have the right to say what they want about me if need be,

And yes,
I just,
Or mostly(..?)
Get off my chest,
What I feel a need to,
Including in writing..,
My best,

And of course,
I feel,
Any others,
Are allowed to ALSO do this,
In whatever ethical,
Rational way,
That they see fit

Well..,
I guess(?) to always remind myself when needed,
I’ll title this,
“Deeper beingness under Cruelness”,

Since,
Similar to how I talked about in my last post titled:
“Another opportunity to take stuff LESS personally”,
I feel,
I must always remind myself,
That under any degree of cruelness,
Is deeper beingness,
And if I know while staying in touch with that deeper inner awareness,
I just may(?),
Feel less inner pain,
And MORE,
Peacefulness,
?

Yet,
I’ll add how I feel,
That unfortunately,
I still immensely struggle with,
This:

To keep this as anonymous as possible so anyone I may know who reads this and assumes I’m referring to them,
Does not as a result become harmfully confrontational..(?),
Well..,
To be real,
I often feel:
I’m told (well I was at least once told..) that I get treated “the same way” as everyone else by the same people,
Yet I’ve made repeatedly clear,
Of how those who act nice to others,
I often feel,
Act mean to me,

And yeah,
Not getting emotionally derailed by the unfair energy,
Ain’t often easy,
Including when certain friends gaslight me when I express frustration of what I clearly feel as the reality,
Of me getting treated unfairly,
Just..,
More frequently..,

They may be like..(?),
“What are you talking about!?”
Or..,
“You blow it way out of proportion”..,
And even if this is not always exactly what they’ll say,
Well,
I think the point is clear,
..,
Such as that,
Many challenge me,
Instead of emotionally being there..,

And yeah,
As I definitely posted about,
Well,
Even the slightest meanness,
Can trigger lots of worse memories in me,
Such as..,
Plenty of times I was bullied and did NOT stand up for myself,

So if I respond with similar energy,
To even a much more minor incident that happens to trigger me,
I’m criticized,
For “escalating the situation”,
Like a time when working for a home good store,
When a box fell over,
And a guy (who was a customer) was like,
“What the fuck!!?”
Then (later on) the woman accompanying him was like,
“What happened?”
And he was aggressively like,
“He just pushed it over!”
When it just happened to fall over (due to hitting a piece of metal at the bottom of the door frame..),
Then me,
Him, the woman accompanying him, and my coworker unpackaged it..,
Then while realizing there was nothing wrong with what he and the woman were trying to buy,
I’m like,
“Ya know I didn’t like how you cursed at me?”,
And he was like,
“Don’t get smart”,
Even though it was clear I was advocating for my right to be respected..,
And later on I was like,
“I don’t see how me saying ‘I wish you didn’t curse at me’ is getting ‘smart with you’?”,
And instead of briefly politely empathizing with my frustration,
The woman accompanying the man exclaimed to me by saying,
“Shut up!! Don’t bring it up again! You’re going to make it worse!!”
So yeah..,
There’s been so many instances that I won’t get into,
Yet the point is,
Many people’s insecure egos have no regard for THEIR part in the situation,
They just instead,
(To feel more secure about themselves),
Completely disregard their part in it,
And instead prefer to focus on,
How I “handled it”,
Even though I completely was NOT the cause of it..,

Such as all the times I have got bullied disproportionately,
And well,
As for one small example,
Well,
Instead of being invited into the conversation,
I get judged,
Such as..,
For being quiet,

Such as,
While struggling to feel and get included in the conversation,
Instead of politely WELCOMING me into the conversation such as by asking “how’s it going man?”
One guy while politely talking to my friends was like,
“He doesn’t talk too much, does he?”
So (in addition to other times others indicated how quiet I was (such as at two parties (yet I’ll try giving them the “BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT” (such as one being the sister of a friend/social function acquaintance from college, and the other time being my dad’s friend/former colleague (who hosted his house at the lake party)..)))) that just happened to trigger,
ESPECIALLY..,
Times on the bus in sixth grade when a girl who’d talk mad shit to most who chose to talk made fun of me for being quiet..,
So yeah,
People would (especially then) verbally hurt me for what I tried to say and would be mean to me for not saying anything..,
So yeah,
When that guy in his early 50s (as he told us) at the bar,
Made fun of me for being quiet,
While I was with my friends VISITING me in my HOMETOWN..,
I’m like to myself..,
“Are you kidding me!?”
So therefore,
I gave him a nasty stare,
And then my friend gave me a nasty stare for giving the other guy a nasty stare WITHOUT acknowledging that I just got insulted..,
And (of course) I was the one who LIVED in that town and out of me and my two other friends visiting the town..,
I get INSULTED!!
Oh yes..,
Even though I just got insulted,
My friend got mad at me for being socially negative..,
Giving him another reason to one day say I “make people not want to be around me..”,
So yes..,
Instead of considerately acknowledging my frustration like a real friend would,
I got criticized through a mean stare due to not keeping a positive vibe right after being insulted in a way that triggered painful memories in addition to NOT compassionately helping welcome me in my HOMETOWN!!
And yeah..,
When I gave the man the stare he said “I don’t mean it personally”,
YET it just did NOT seem that way to me..,
So yeah,
I think he just said that because I just did NOT take it lightly,
And well,
He went on politely chatting with my friends WITHOUT including me..,
Just as he initially,
Never planned to..,

And well to include another example..,
And yes I’ll still try keeping this reasonably anonymous..,
Although I just can NOT promise this..,
Yet..,
At a ski resort when buying gloves,
When I was innocently standing at the counter,
The woman at the register rudely instructed me by essentially saying,
“Don’t go anywhere!”,
And politely smiled and laughed to my friend essentially while kindly asking “Oh you’re paying?”
(the same friend who looked at me nasty in response to me looking at that other guy nasty who said that mean thing to me..)
..,
(And I paid my friend through Venmo later (when able to) anyway..),
Yet the energy many others give me I feel to be a lot LESS friendly as compared to what many others seemingly often receive EVIDENTLY,
Yet I’m told (and I happen to assume that others assume that) I’m “treated equally”,
Huhh..,
Essentially..,
The way(s) in which I struggle..,
I feel that many just do NOT see..,
(Yet I appreciate my mom’s friend empathizing and/or indicating (during a Broadway intermission) that YES it is hard feeling that many others COMPLETELY do NOT see the pain I inwardly carry frequently so SHOUT OUT and THANK YOU SO MUCH (person I know) for that and the Harry Potter broadway tickets (if you’re reading this), and THANK YOU to any of you for continuing reading this 🙏🙏 (and ohh yes.., (of course) without intending to spoil “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” I just want to say that there’s just been some other stuff I witnessed in the city that day that I have not yet posted about (aside from that lady who literally ran into my mom in my post titled “Deeper Part(s) of Me”).. (yet maybe I will post that other stuff someday..? Yet regardless, I hope to appreciate what I have posted already.., ANYWAY..)),
And as for strangers (or whoever) I don’t feel I ask for much,
Except to work on kind inner energy,
That may just help them be more at peace internally,
In addition..,
To ME..,

And well,
As for those who feel I’m always “treated equally”,
Including those who will cruelly bluntly tell me what they see as the “reality”..,
Well..,
I see it differently,
And yes,
I try NOT getting offended..,
Yet sometimes I try suppressing it,
Then I feel it weighing in me,
I feel it perpetually depleting strength in me,

And yeah,
As for my friend who gave me the nasty look,
(In response to me giving the other guy a nasty look for making fun of me for being quiet..),
And as for that “friend” saying..,
“People treat me the same way they treat everyone else”,
..,
Yeah I feel for most people,
That’s,
BULLSHIT..,

And I know that friend of mine is not always perfect,
I know it’s best not to escalate a situation,
Yet I’m like..,
Instead of getting mad,
At me for being mad at others who SOCIALLY mistreat me..,
How about at least some empathy!?

And my friend went on politely chatting with that guy who made fun of me for being quiet (since (the guy at the bar) kinda had fun laughing when judgmentally indicating how I’m “quiet”..),
And when the guy left,
He said “bye” to two of my friends WITHOUT acknowledging me,
Yet my friend blamed ME for my “general” negativity..,
Without regarding the CLEAR fact that my social negativity was,
In response to others being mean to me,
In response to others having EXCLUSIVE energy towards me,
Like that incident,
And yes..,
WAY WORSE,
Sadly..,

Huhh,
I just carry a lot with me,
I’m just criticized repeatedly,
I can use some empathy,
And yeah,
Evidently,
Seeing other’s deeper kind beingness,
Underneath their cruel dominant unconsciousness,
Well..,
To me,
It just,
Does NOT,
Come easy..,

And I hope my friend does NOT read this,
And well if he does I..,
Hope he understands that this was NOT nearly like my other post called “Separate Ways” which I removed..,
I hope he keeps his commitment of NEVER hacking my blog..,
Because I’ll just once again might LIKELY be criticized for “how I handled it”,
?
Such as writing and sharing WHAT I FEEL A NEED TO SHARE..,
Man..,
I need to find more friends who are sufficiently there,

And yeah he has,
Like I said in my post “Someone who has been There”,
Yet..,
I just need to share here and there what makes me upset,
And I hope it is CLEAR to my friend (if he reads this),
That,
Even though I may wish certain stuff would be different..,
That truthfully,
Overall,
He’s been WAY better than so many others towards me,

And I’ll just go on to share (and (of course) revise..),
What I,
Initially wrote here:

So..,
Aside from all my examples of mistreatment,
I’ll get laughed at,
Called names,
Given nasty looks,
..,

People will have fun amongst others,
While excluding me,
So no,
I feel I often get treated WORSE,
..,
NOT equally,

And with my struggles to let go of what I carry with me,
Such as,
My exacerbated emotional hypersensitivity (due to getting bullied),
My exacerbated struggles with autism,
Then sleep deprivation and going (to varying degrees) “over the edge”,

Then instead of being there for me,
Certain people criticize me for my behavior..,
And I’m like..?
Are these “friends”?

Do friends empathize and help me grow?
Or do friends (as they say) “kick me when I’m down”?
Such as saying it’s “all my fault”,
Among whatever other criticism..?
So yeah,
I hope to find more REAL and more LIKE-MINDED friends who stick around..,

Of course friends must NOT “kick me when I’m down”,
NO!!!
Of course friends must show each other empathy,
And well..,
Due to how I view the mainstream mentality,
As for people who I would trust to act friendly to me,
There just does NOT feel to be many..,

Yet of course,
Since I can NOT change (what I feel to be) the dominant toxic EXTERNAL reality,
As always,
I’ll just keep trying to consistently do my best,
To find,
To sustain,
Step by step,
More and more,
Peace,
Within me,

And even though it may be VERY hard,
And RARELY easy,
Well,
I’ll just keep (as they say),
“Hanging in there”,
Perpetually