Since I react to emotions strongly,
Pretending to “not have emotions”,
May NOT prevent them from building then blasting out of me,

And speaking for myself especially,
For one,
What suits others may not be for “everyone”,
And..,
(Including from experience previously..),
I just do NOT trust,
What heavily forced medication may ALSO do to me,

I guess we may all react to the same experiences to at least some unique degree(?),
Which cumulatively shapes our survival awareness uniquely(?),
And may we stay safe from infinite forms of danger perpetually,

So yes,
When people insult me,
I really must know how to NOT let it “stick with me”,
Since I feel that’ll likely brutally limit me,

And the MORE inner emotional pain builds and builds within me,
The LESS likely I’ll have the inner clearness,
To clearly access deeper sentient unforeseen capability(s) that ALSO may become accessed even within someone such as me,

?

Hence,
May I remind myself to notice my breath,
And let the sensations pass through me WITHOUT adding inner negative resistance in response towards any unavoidable forms of the toxic energy around me,

May I increasingly remain strong,
Clear and peaceful internally,

I guess,
I can always inwardly come back,
On track

?

I feel that:

Some people just want to talk to me,
Because I’m the approachable shy guy,
Because they (unconsciously) just want to hear themselves do ALL THE TALKING,
Because their egos are looking to feel more control,
Because,
Stepping on me,
Just may be an only step in the direction towards more social inclusion,

?

Yes..,
Even though they’re the “new” and/or “different” guy..,
Well,
They’ll fit in some day among others who always bust my balls hilariously..,

Maybe they can arrive from a different culture,
Speak very little English,
And/or become more accepted,
Tolerated,
And will be another,
Who will use my social awkwardness against me..,
Oh wow..,
What a “beautiful” multicultural social connection..,

?

For one even though I do NOT believe,
In STEREOTYPES..,
EVEN though I STILL remember,
Some of the politest,
Welcoming strangers I met,
Just happened to be of the (as I have heard) stereotypically “arrogant” French Canadians who I met on a road trip at a skatepark while passing through Montreal with the family prior to heading west..,
Welp..,
Here’s another post about..,
An experience,
With another civilian,
And/or a brief incorporated mention of the world’s “new richest man”..,

Regardless,
Here’s what I feel a need to say:

Sometimes those who get bullied for being different and/or the new guy (for example),
Remain too afraid to confront the bully,
So INSTEAD they may DISPLACE their anger on another who is weaker and/or different even though they are ALSO an original group member..,
And well,
I just have another memory,
Pertaining to a French exchange student,
Who briefly tried to temporarily join in my circle of “friends” who’d also work towards busting my balls MORE similar to the others..,

Sure he had a fun time in America..,

Oh how he was learning..,
Finding his way..,
The neurotypical French exchange student,
Finding deep social connection(s) in an unknown land..,
With others who are “normal” and who seek to bust my balls..,
Oh wow..,
Just..,
Wow..,

Oh monsieur,
Please,
Welcome me as I kindly inclusivly welcome you to my home country,
Please do NOT exacerbate how my peers already treat me..,
And as for you,
Bernard Arnault,
Please have compassion even though you may ADDITIONALLY profit off of what those similar to me purchase,
To block out the emotional pain we feel..,
Let’s be real..,
Owner of (among others..) “Christian Dior and Moët & Chandon champagne”…,

(Source: The Guardian, Rupert Neate, “Fortune of world’s richest person Bernard Arnault tops $200bn”, Published: April 5th, 2023, Hope this is the right link: https://amp.theguardian.com/business/2023/apr/05/fortune-of-worlds-richest-person-bernard-arnault-tops-200bn-lvmh),

Huhh..,

Here’s what I also wrote so far:

Often when there’s a new insecure guy in the friend group,
When they struggle to fit in,
And when they have more inner anger that’s exacerbated by my friend group malevolently busting their balls in addition to mine,
They’ll take that anger out by being mean to ME,
Because I’ve too often been the weakest link,

Such as there once was THAT friend (a couple years younger) of my brother’s friend who was an exchange student from France who came skiing with us,
He first appeared shy and anxious,
Spoke very little English,
..,
My friends would call him “frenchie” and “french toast”,
Yet who did his anxious insecure ego feel a need to confidently overpower?
Not theirs,
MINE,

ALTHOUGH I was nicer,
I was more anxious,
More learning disabled,
Just..,
WEAKER..,

And although I happened to be a nicer person at the time,
Well,
I was a weaker link,

And well,
Even though my friend who threw a snowball in that friend’s face (who knew the exchange student),
Even though my other friend who was the leader has had others make fun of his weight and who once got picked on by other snowboarders after accidentally riding into one of them..,
Even though everyone was also struggling,
Well,
Because I was nice and LESS intimidating,
Well,
I was just an easier target..,
For the FOREIGN French exchange student,

And well,
Even though my brother’s friend and (friend of the exchange student) who got hit in the face with the snowball (at the base lodge) by my other friend who was making me by him lunch and who got made fun of by others for his weight..,

Because I was polite and anxious myself,
And like myself,
He preferred to be like my friends,
So one time,

When we were riding up the four person ski lift now called the “Belleayre express” close to the top of Belleayre Mountain,
He all of a sudden started breaking out of his anxious awkward exchange student shell,
By tapping his mitten on my face while saying (tap by tap)..,
“France is France”,

And looking back at this,
Well,
Maybe I could have got less offended,

Yet,
Instead of the being the kindest person that I pictured myself as at the time,
Too often,
Those new guys,
Are looking to bust balls the same as the other guys,
So they’ll seek out the quietest,
Most anxious and seemingly most awkward easy target such as myself..,

Oh where WAS that Viking spirit..!?

And of course there was the kid at the orchards,
Who got picked on by everyone else,
And took that anger out on me because I was quiet and awkward REGARDLESS that I was the LEAST deserving of it!!
Hence,
I was just the easier target..,
Oh how I remember him punching me for “talking shit” to him,
He told me how I’d instantly lose my life in his hometown or “hood”,
..,
Yeah..,
I was KINDER and the EASIER TARGET..,
And he just..,
Utilized the opportunity,
To take out the causes of his anger that I DID NOT CAUSE..,
Onto me..,

And even sometimes (such as in school and/or college) like what I wrote about in my post titled “More and More of it” about that guy who pretended to be my friend yet really sought someone to control (posted on August 30th, 2022),

And well,
Not to become “bigoted” NOR “tribal”,
Yet as for the French exchange student who kept putting his glove in my face since he was mad his balls were being busted in a far and unknown place..,
Well,
I ALSO need to bust out of my shell,
And well,
Yes,
As he said without my approval while patting my face and saying “France is France”,
Well,
America is America,
Government is Government,
Freedom is Freedom,
Hypocrisy is Hypocrisy,
Bullying is Bullying,
Displacement is Displacement,
And truth is truth,

So if he wanted to join in with my peers by picking on me,
Well,
That was a time that Viking Spirit should’ve blasted out of me and back into his face,

And for one,
No I do NOT think all French people are “like that”,
NOR will I mention the racial/ethnic backgrounds of others who bullied me,
Yet for one I’d say just as all groups of people are equally capable of being nice,
They’re also equally capable of being bullies,
And yes,
May I also throw it out there that we’re ALL individuals..,

And yeah,
When we stay as the kinder person while we just keep taking it,
Well,
That just may also be a different type of “Viking Spirit” by NOT escalating it and sustaining a peaceful degree needed for helping with civilized society,
Hence I’m NOT trying to go to war with him NOR France,

And even though I believe in peace,
May more of us and whatever younger ages,
Start to truly cultivate inner peace,
So we do NOT feel a need to displace our misery by joining into a culture of bullying,

And to remember,
Since my dog tragically died,
For him,
I WILL,
Keep going

While driving to work as the main Yu-Gi-Oh soundtrack was playing on my phone,
I noticed something what I initially thought to be a rock,
Yet turned out to be a tiny sentient being crossing the road..,

Since I did not want to be late for work,
Since I did not want to frustrate other cars trying to drive past me,
Nor have one of the warehouse managers reprimand me..,
Since I did NOT want to get my fingers snapped off..,
I regrettably did NOT save this tiny little turtle slowly crossing the road down to the warehouse facility,
And I do not think anyone else tried to save the small turtle either sadly..,

Just seeing that kind of innocent vulnerability,
In this world,
In addition to the loss of my little dog,
Just really fucking kills me,

And I told one of the managers I didn’t save him and he said “that’s messed up”,
Yup,
It was messed up that my worrying about what others would think prevented me from saving a small vulnerable sentient being,

Wow..,
Guess that screw up on my part was really something

I’m either being “too sensitive”,
Or “not sensitive enough”,

I’m either being told to be honest,
And them I’m being told I’m an “ass”,

I’ll be told I need to have more confidence,
And then considered an annoyance,

People tell me to “just be yourself”,
And when I do,
I easily get negatively categorized and rejected once again..,

I’m told to just “speak my mind”,
Be my “true self”,
Yet I “can’t say that”,
“Must NEVER do that”,
..,
I’ll be told to “not take shit from anyone”,
And also to “stop taking shit so personally”,
I’m always “doing it wrong”,
Never feel that strong..,

For me,
Balance just..,
Never came easy..,
And will “keeping me head up”,
Really help me feel LESS of an autistic stigmatized inevitably ostracized fuck up?
Maybe I should once again “shut the fuck up”..,

?

And yeah,
When I’m not talking I’m “too quiet”,
And when I’m talking I’m just “being annoying”,

Damn..,
I’ll try,
Fail,
Try another way,
Fail another way,

Huhh..,
And well..,
Guess I can always be better,
And there’s always something for others to criticize me for,
Because I can always do better..,
Because I’m an anxious easy target,
And even though I do not want to make my life harder by feeling more crushed resulting from trying to “stand up” to those who will NEVER understand..,
Well,
To also be honest about it,
I just don’t want to keep taking it,
And if I do stand up to more powerful egos in direct control over me,
Instead of having empathy,
They’ll send me horrifically more shit..,
I’ll receive a more emotionally derailing punishment..,
Oh how I just feel stuck in it,
And fail so often to find peace with it..,
As always,
“There’s NEVER an excuse for it”,
And NOT that there is..,
Yet..,
I just wish I felt more understanding from those who understandably can NOT stand me,

And well,
Even though this may never be the reality,
I wish for kinder and more peacefully understanding energy,
Because well,
I try being kind to others such as those above me,
And I wish I felt they’d express more understanding..,
That just may help us function profoundly more effectively..,
Yet well..,

?

Since I can NOT change others I fail to avoid,
There’s just never a guarantee,
That they’ll express in return,
Kind and peaceful energy..,
And well..,
Too many may just view me as a liability,
Who might try to feel more in control by critically controlling me,
Not to “teach me”,
To attempt to satisfy their insecurity,
..,
Maybe they’ll firmly instruct me what to sign?
What to “identify” as,
And if I try to express myself honestly,
They’ll frighten and overpower me..,

And why do many really want to talk with me?
Do most really wish to “get to know me?”
Or do they want to proudly hear themselves talking?
Do they want to feel more power by dumping their misery onto me?
Since they sense I just may give them plenty of reasons to,
Given my anxiety,
My struggles socially,
My learning disability..,
Oh how I’m just an easy target,
So they just can’t resist taking out their anger onto someone who will not painfully return it..,

Shit..,

And well,
I guess(?) even though we all may be to varying degrees,
Struggling differently,
Well,
I guess for even the most privileged,
The mind can fill us with misery,
And/or “how it should be”,
Infinitely,

?

So may more and more of us,
Increasingly accept that negativity may always pass through us,
Yet instead of getting deeply lost in it,
May we remember to notice our breath,
And hopefully,
In the healthiest most supported way we know,
Find more and more peace within the inevitable bullshit,
And/or whatever is the “best” way to word it..,

And even though I guess we can “always do better”,
Even though people like me especially must keep “getting our shit together”,
Well,
Maybe at least sincerely working on being kind to each other,
Can provide needed energy,
To truly help us clear more and more inner layers of the emotional (and/or whatever types of) pain we just may carry,
..,
And may we develop and sustain the strength,
To stay more inwardly peacefully strong,
When similar and/or worse forms of (internal and/or external) pain inevitably come our way,

And although this may be so much easier to say than to properly sufficiently consistently practice,
Well,
At least I’m trying to word this,
At least I’m trying to take at least one other step in a direction I presently see as most helpful for myself,
..,
And well,
If I help myself,
If I develop the awareness needed to “get with the program”,
Well,
Maybe that’ll at least somewhat make it LESS likely for me to make stuff harder for those who happen to surround and/or are deeply counting on me,

?

Hence,
The LESS I’m distracted by various forms of deeply dark and discouraging negativity,
Just maybe,
The more clear I’ll be,
To fulfill whatever is needed for myself among those I inevitably share society with,

?

And one step,
Which I just tried to take,
Is posting this,
Because I feel,
People such as me (if not everybody),
May always feel a need for reminding and/or focusing on a path to follow,
That in whatever circumstances,
Just may hopefully,
Help us find at least some peace,
With our inevitable reality,

?

And even though I guess I can’t escape pain,
For reasons such as:
Since bad choices may make stuff harder for me,
Just as making good choices may also feel hard..,
Well..,
Overall,
What steps will truly most likely increase the present moment to feel most morally and self-servingly worth experiencing?
Is a question I feel a need to keep asking,
While proceeding along whatever path I feel to be most compatible and deeply gratifying,

Yep,

I’ll keep going

In a world of infinitely overwhelming allegedly “factual” information,
In which very few know who to “trust”..,
Who we really need to “bust”..,
Well..,
I guess..,
There’s always another moment,
Another day,
And more thoughts and/or deeper understandings that may keep coming OUR way,
So here’s more I feel a need to say:

Because I’m grieving,
I guess now remains a time,
To use my freedom of expression,
To try to share writing I intend to be healing,

Welp,
I’m trying..,
..,
And even if I fail,
At least I’m trying,

Even if I get lost in analysis..,
Huhh..,
Well,

I guess it’s reasonable for me to say..(?),
There’s always another day,
Regrets resulting from what I felt a need to and decided to share another day,
Then understanding(s) that such as.. well..,
Even if (for example) what I wrote came across as irritating “nonsense”,
Still..,
Maybe as a result of what I was THEN struggling with,
Maybe..,
Just maybe it..,
Made at least some helpful sense..,

?

And well,
As for you,
my dog Kobe,
Even though I understand you died,
I just..,
Still..,
And may never be able to “make sense” of it in a way that eradicates the pain..,

Oh I just wish you’d return,
..,
Huhhhh..,
Maybe this loss is another painful time to be reminded that,
Tragedy can happen,
Time can catch up,
..,
And that,
I feel you’re part of a deeper inseparable life energy spirit,
That may provide me with forms of strength required,
To stay strong,
For however necessarily long,

And even though I may never INSTANTLY clear the pain,
Even though more painful times may always keep catching up..,
I will still,
Keep trying,
To keep,
My head up

When perpetually insecure egos want to feel power by busting my balls,
I’ll still give them a sincere response,
and I will keep standing in my truth,
in honor of my dog,
in honor of the truth I see within me,
Therefore,
May my dog’s warrior spirit help build me,

So even if someone tries to peer pressure me into signing my life away,
as for wherever I wind up,
may I still keep my head up,
for my dog I’ll never give up,
..,
may I more clearly and deeply access the spirit of the peaceful patriot,
for myself,
my dog and the advancement of all physical manifestations of (what I consider to be) our truly inseparable spirit..,

Although I also want to be kindly accepted as I most clearly see myself as,
Although I believe we have the right to transition into whatever we individually see as true,
Well,
There just may be various dangerous authorities,
That are out to manipulate and/or powerfully pressure me into transitioning into something NOT inwardly true to me,
In order for me to conform to how THEY see reality..,
In order for me to comfortably suit THEIR narrative of reality..,
In order for me to align with THEIR world views so THEIR externally powerful egos can find “comfort”..,
Yet..,
Even that sense of egoic “comfort” is just “never enough”,
Because the ego (I believe) just “seeks and never finds”..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, YouTube, “The Many Faces of Ego”, (Uploaded: January 19th, 2021), (Eckhart Tolle says the actual quote around 13 minutes and 43 seconds, however I prefer watching the whole video) Link: https://youtu.be/6StRwsSBubw),
Oh how life gets rough..,

(And well,
Maybe I’ve failed to keep following the beautiful truthful lessons you have to clearly keep offering for those such as me, Eckhart..,
Well..,
I can always use a conscious reminder, so.., thank you Eckhart, for your conscious healing service),

And thanks for reminding me,
If I understand properly..(?),
That experiencing the pain of tragic loss,
Can be an opportunity,
To (in my own words..) connect with my spiritual truth more deeply,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, YouTube, “Beyond the Form: Allowing Loss, (Uploaded: March 11th, 2021), Link: https://youtu.be/Ojq1AAMvZvg),
And I guess to put it in my own present words..,
I guess I can say,
When my egoic awareness is at an unbearable loss, it then loses its power,
and therefore CAN (more easily..(?)) start becoming more egoless..(?),
REGARDLESS..,
What I have lost just may open me up to what there is to INSTEAD find..(?),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, YouTube, “Awakening through Loss”, (Uploaded: September 15th, 2022), Link: https://youtu.be/FVZl9_crjrg),

Maybe others may want me to become a killer,
View violence as the “answer” while calling it “self-defense” against “evil”,
Ohh how human beings are so horrifically capable..,

And well,
Even if certain groups have “more of a ‘right’” to freely express bigotry due to their group’s horrifically painful oppressive history,
Well,
I feel that:
No one can “precisely” judge me based on my blonde hair,
Gender,
Blue eyes NOR white skin,
..,
Others just do NOT know how I’m different in my “autistic” ways,
Same goes for those also “autistic” BECAUSE I feel we’re all just DIFFERENT..,
..,
Others just do NOT know the truth I see within,
As I do NOT exactly know what THEY truthfully uniquely see..(?),
Hence,
May others NOT judge me by my appearance,
Such as by the whiteness of my skin,

And well,
Since my dog left too soon,
It’s time I stand within my truth,
It’s time,
To look deeper,
To be with him,
And to be with the truth I see,
That ZERO external authority can tell me,

Instead of being an obsessive introspective Nordic snowflake,
I must CONSCIOUSLY and/or deeply INTROSPECTIVELY rediscover and re-access the inner conscious VIKING!!

MAY I BLAST OUT OF MY SHELL FASTER THAN LIGHTNING!!
OH FUCK THE HATERS!!
FUCK THEM!!
I MUST JUST SAY “NO!!”

IT’S MY TURN!!

IT’S MY TURN!!

I believe in FREEDOM,
To increase powerful peaceful coexistence,
And even though for me I’d say it’s been a struggle,
I just may more likely find more peace,
If I at least try,
To abide by this,

I just too often remain shut down,
And it’s time I take a chance,
Before I totally miss my chance..,

Huhh..,
And yes..,
I still will always miss my dog,

Huhhh,

And well,
Even though inevitable changes of environment may change my relationships with the same people,
I will still,
Try to remember and follow the best I presently can,
The inner peaceful freedom loving truth I see,
That ZERO external insatiably powerful authority can take away from me,

May I never forget,
To notice my gentle breathing,
And peacefully notice,
The sensations that just keep flowing,

I just must,
Consciously try to return to..,
I guess..,
The spirit of a Viking,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do other collective egos want to drown in pride through their tribe!?

Okay..,
I see how it is..,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I do NOT need THEM!!
I NEED my true roots!!

And if they do NOT want to realign with our deeper spiritually inclusive and welcoming inseparable roots..,
Well..,
I just can NOT change them..,
I can only stand strong,
And try to RE-ACCESS that buried Viking..,
Fuck what they think!
Because I think in HONOR of my lost dog,
I NEED to BREAK OUT of trying to have others like me who just want to bust my balls repeatedly..,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

May the TRUE VIKING SHINE THROUGH ME!!

Even if I talk about it and in my worst moments others be like “Yo Zach I thought you talked about your ‘Viking Spirit’”,
..,
OH FUCK THEM!!
I do NOT NEED THEM AS THEY DO NOT NEED ME..,
Shit..,
May I REALIGN WITH THE TRUTH I SEE!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohh how I may easily be opening myself up to being intelligently mocked..,
I’m sure others will find me blasting out of my confident shell deeply infuriating and/or hilarious,
Yet may I NOT become scared back into my shell by anything such as this!!

May I take a deep inhale….,

Huhhhhhhh..,

Holding it..,
Holding it..,
And then..,

..,
……,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

YOUR SPIRIT IS A PART OF ME KOBE!!!

MAY YOUR SPIRIT REMAIN AND STRENGTHEN ME!!!

May the strong opinions of others NOT take away the STRENGTH within me,
MAY I UTILIZE THE DEEPER SPIRIT WITHIN..,

EVERLASTINGLY

The patriot within me says:
“May we address whatever we truly feel NEEDS to be addressed,
in the SAFEST,
and/or most CIVILIZED way(s) possible”,

May we be aware of what we’re standing for,
May we NOT emotionally lose ourselves in horrific misunderstandings,

And well,
Since your former physical tiny dog life manifestation has been cut short,
..,
Well,
This just has been a wake up call,
For me to get my shit together,
And try to NEVER AGAIN take bullshit from anyone,
..,
May your free warrior spirit live on,

May I just..,
Not take bullshit to even the slightest degree,
May I truly live free,
May I peacefully hang in there through all the pain life continues to throw at me..,

And well,
I may have to follow my truth,
Even if it is more “risky”,
Even if I panic and run into a fatality similar to what happened to you so damn tragically unexpectedly,
Oh what a damn small possibility that came true so painfully..,
Like someone just reached in and pulled out my heart and squeezed it empty,
I just can’t piece together whatever figures of speech to describe the pain I’m feeling just “perfectly”,
And I can always say more,
Understand clearer,
And convey deeper..,
..,

Ohh what a tragic chain of events!!

Well,
In order to live meaningfully,
I have to accept the risk factor evidently,
..,
And well,
It just may be a bigger risk to allow powerful armed forces to control me!?
Gotta never stop trying to find peace with the hit and runs life shoots at me..,

YES!!
I must STOP letting others’ step on me,
I must NEVER feel pressured to sign anything I do NOT understand,
I must learn how to say “NO!”
No matter how severely they want to judgmentally torture me!!
But ohh my actions WILL tell more about me..,
As they do INVARIABLY..,

That inner peaceful patriot,
Who wants to use its’ free space,
In order to try to feel and/or think clearer and therefore become more and more free of negativity,
In order to have the inner peaceful clearness to create whatever it is that may help other sentient beings alleviate inner pain as they pass through existence is ALSO within me,
And even if it fails miserably,
It still would rather to attempt to follow it’s truth than to settle for a life it will never prefer,
Because my inner peaceful patriot prefers to TRY to align itself with the life it often feels to see as fit INSTEAD of not trying at all,

And since you,
My pet dog,
..,
..,

AHHHHH!!

I’m just imagining hearing your footsteps,
Clicking along the floor,
Seeing those scratch marks on the door,
..,
It’s like you’re right here,
It’s like you hopped up to my bed,
Man..,
The silence of you being completely gone,
Has made it so much harder for me to remain strong,

And when I open the door,
I hear nothing,
I see nothing,
And when I think and picture you,
Ohh the pain in my chest keeps growing!
I try to find your spirit but nothing comes,
Just fading memories,
Just a painful adjustment,
To the new unforeseen tragic present..,

When I started writing this I was sitting on that small couch in my room,
Holding my phone,
Quiet and alone,
And when I turned to look to see if you’re on the floor..,
Huhh..,
Shit..,
You weren’t and are still NOT here..,
Yet..,
The fact that you’re not around,
And I see your vests there,
Imagine you sleeping on your bed,
Your unfinished food bowl..,

Man..,
The point is clear,
I just want you here..,

I just want you to rise from the dead back into the same exact physical and spiritual being you were..,
And the fact that I do NOT believe that will happen just..,
Yeah..,
It just hurts,

May your unconditionally happy loving spirit peacefully continue on,
Yeah.. I just want you back..,
And may my inner patriot,
Peacefully follow it’s truth,
Peacefully advocate for whatever it feels needs to be addressed..,

Shit,
You’ve really helped,
And I fucking miss you,
And for you,
I’ll try to better,
More assertively,
Stronger,
Align myself with the deepest truth(s) I presently see within me,

I’ll always love you Kobe

(Re-Posted)

Huhh..,
My heart has been extracted,
Squeezed harder than before,
And pitched down into a fire shithole,
With far greater force than a 105 mile per hour fastball,

..,

I remember agreeing how painful it would be,
If you were to leave us so tragically unexpectedly,

I remember hearing songs,
Seeing pictures,
Videos,
..,
I remember imagining a memorial video,
I remember,
Just constantly fearing the death for you..,
..,
And due to a tragic chain of recent events,
That nightmare came true,

Shit!!
Although I just could have done so much more for you,
I still,
Always loved you,

I even remember after NOT knowing where you were,
As I often have before,
Calling to ask mom to see if you were with her,
And when she said “yes”,
Although hearing stuff such as that often helped me feel more reassured and less stressed,
..,
Including seeing a video of you among usual caretakers at night on the shore of the Outer Banks in “Kill Devil Hills” of North Carolina,
Well..,
Even though you have previously went running off alone in this dangerous world and had better luck..,
I just painfully never knew,
That you’d wind up dead far away in that other Outer Banks town (that I also once visited!) called “Duck”..,
FUCK!!!!!

This could have been another entertaining story of you as our beloved dog Kobe acting crazy while mysteriously surviving miraculously,
Oh how I wish you’d return to me!!
..,
More than once (before losing you) while lying awake in bed,
I’ve heard mom yell “Kobe!”,
“Kobe!”,
And I’d think..,
“Oh great.. Here comes a tragedy..”,
..,
I even remember the time you went into a fox den,
When my mom and neighbor heard noises of what sounded as a deadly scuffle,
When (as I’ve heard) they initially thought to be fatal,
UNTIL after the mother fox and her offspring came marching out,
With you following UNscathed which was just an UNexpected MIRACLE..,

Yet this time..,
Evidently..,
The reality was just UNexpectedly horrible..,

And although family members of mine worked hard to train you..,
And although I (and/or whoever) just may should have done more..,

Well..,

Damn..,
I just do NOT remember the recent last time I saw you..,
Especially since I just..,
NEVER expected that it would be the last time I’d ever see you,
..,
Yet I always hope to once again be with you..,

And for me,
What expectedly followed after that tragic chain of events,
Was a chain of deepening pain,
..,
And based on my understandings of what I have been told..,
I feel that there’s just no one to blame,
And even if so I will try to refrain,
Since I feel that,
Blaming would just increase damaging inner pain,

Huhh..,
For one I feel that,
Assuming there’s “someone to blame”,
No one is “perfect”,
Some are UNintentionally less “perfect” than others..,
People UNintentionally make mistakes,
Some UNintentionally more than others,
..,
Regardless,
I prefer the pain to reduce..,

And well,
(Based on what I presently understand and remember being informed of),
First there was,
All the times BEFORE while waiting for us INCLUDING in the same minivan..,
That ONE extremely RARE automatic car sliding door malfunction..,
You exiting then becoming lost while trying to find everyone..,
One restaurant worker (who generously tried helping) being inches from catching you,
Who (as I’ve heard) also saw you almost get hit by two cars on a busier street..,
Hours before running in to the only car passing through a narrow road after midnight..,
Huhh..,

And then what of course followed within me was shock,
Including bigger internal emotional tidal waves,
That arose within and crushed my initially emotional hyper-reactive tendencies additionally harder than before..,
Huhh..,
They’ll just powerfully come smashing down on me,
I’ll drown deeper in misery,
I’ll come up for air,
Revive and/or reorient myself..,
And then there will come others that crush me repeatedly..,

I’m just continually struggling to settle,
At a peaceful shore,
And even though I may not find you there,
Even though I’ll “keep my head up” and “never give up”,
Well,
This is just too much to bare,

Oh how I wish your usual presence would return to me,
As it always has previously

(Here’s a song, and I hope this is the right link: https://youtu.be/DPL_SV3n7IU (Artist: Pink Floyd, Song: “Wish You Were Here” (1975) Album: “Wish You Were Here”))

For one I do NOT intend to deeply offend anyone reading this..,
Please do NOT take this personally,
..,
And well,
Many seem to feel I must “stop taking everything personally”,
Yet well,
Regardless,
I have to keep trying to as peacefully as I can,
Remain strong,
And UNAPOLOGETICALLY expressing the truth I see,
So here is how I additionally understand I feel presently:

As for whichever powerful toxic forces may want to keep feeding off my weaknesses..,
Welp..,

I’ll keep staying as safe as I can,
Spotting as clearly as I can,
Insatiably power hungry individuals trying to undermine my credibility,
And/or however manipulate and gaslight me even if they say they’d “never do that” and will always “look after me”,

And even though you were my pet dog who left so unexpectedly,
Well,
I trusted you more than so many (if not everybody),
Which is why not being able to see you again,
Remains so fucking hard for me,

Of course there’s others..,
Who may uncontrollably always try to have complete control over me..(?),
In order to remain in a dominant position of authority,
and/or,
because they try to compensate for their ego’s insecurity by remaining power hungry to whatever micro and/or macro degree,
Because that just may be all they presently see as the “answer” for alleviating their inner emotional pain they fail to find the healing source of perpetually..(?),

Yet I believe,
Your inseparable spirit from my spirit lives on,

And even IF I ever become oppressed unimaginably severely,

May your spirit always be there for me,

May your spirit,
Even if it’s to the tiniest degree,
Provide healing for me,

Oh how I miss you so painfully

Even if a deeply painful emotional wave arises within me while I’m in a time and place to write about that pain I feel of missing you,
Well,
Even if I get it “all out” to the “best” of my present ability,

The pain of missing you will just continue arising with in me so strongly,
You were more than a “pet dog”,
You were more than a “lower life form”,

Your unconditional loving energy has eagerly been there for me in so many other ways that I felt TOO many others just could not see,
NOR manifest nearly as frequently to any similar degree..,

Sure,
Maybe certain others have and will keep providing great knowledge and wisdom to share with me,
Among generously doing whatever and/or sincerely looking after me..(?),
But MOST (if not all(?)) of them have NOT as deeply unconditionally cared for me,

And (as for whoever may be “offended”..) please do NOT take this personally,
Yet I could NOT even be as kind to me..,

And I will NEVER “get it out” just “perfectly”,
..,
Huhh..,
The pain of never seeing you again,
Will always arise like a tsunami within me..,

And instead of losing myself in it,
Instead of trying to outrun what I just may be unable to escape,
Well,
I’ll try to let the strong force pass,
As I refocus on staying focused and prepared in whichever ways I see as most helpful,

Yet..,

Losing you too soon and unexpectedly may just always be painful for me,

Yet I still have hope to continue strongly,
And may the healing energy you unconditionally provided me,
Truly continue strengthening me,

Everlastingly