I feel that:
..,
For one,
I’m NOT “perfect” at putting stuff into words..,
And I feel inner feelings can be worded infinitely clearer and clearer (for example),
..,
And instead of giving myself more inner painful resistance of the reality I can NOT change,
..,
Which is that,
Instead of seeking to understand more deeply,
Many people just may conveniently judge what I’m trying to say as “crazy”,
(For example),
And since I can NOT change that kind of reality,
Why not let go of inner negativity that limits me,
And accept the way stuff is..?
(Therefore),
Even if many other sentient life manifestations do and would cruelly react to what I attempt to convey..,
Why not just go back to finding that peace within me..?
To at least sustain a sufficient level of sanity..?
..,
Okay so additionally,
I feel that:

If I seek to be better than others,
I end up intensely focusing on myself,
And the more I focus on myself,
The more I narrow my awareness,
Such as by reducing my attention of all that surrounds me,
To just focus more and more on me,

To find “validation” or see what I “must do” to “validate” myself,
I’ll focus more and more on thoughts in just my head,
While losing touch with the deeper being that I believe I came from and remain a part of,

And well..,
I guess I must clearly ask: “What do I mean in this context by ‘myself’”?
Is it my “true self” that’s a part of the same life energy all other manifestations are?
Or is it my “ego self”?
(For example),

I believe that,
If I seek to be “better” for the purpose of being “better than others”,
I’m narrowing my awareness by focusing on JUST the thoughts in my head about the present physical form I’m in,
And while LOSING more and more touch with more and more that I’m also a part of,
Including losing touch with more and more,
Of what I can be deeply grateful for,

If I just focus on being “better than others”,
I’ll seek to increasingly separate and antagonize,
Instead of deeply open and connect,

And well,
Will this egoic narrowed awareness really help me expand my foundational internal ability for whatever it is I pursue?
I doubt it..,

I believe I must seek to be better,
Than someone who is just trying to be better than others,

And instead of just trying to attain deep understandings for an ego boost,
Such as to feel that I know “more” than “others”,
..,
Well,
If I really put into practice,
(Such as),
Expanding my inner awareness that’ll underlie better decisions and increased capabilities for whatever I pursue externally,
Maybe that painful capability impinging insecurity,
Of trying to be better and better than more and more “others”,
May internally impinge my true clear egoless capabilities/possibilities less and less..?
..,
And therefore,
Hopefully my awareness will be increasingly expanding instead of unconsciously selfishly limited resulting from being narrowly focused on my ego self being “better than others”,

Instead of being focused on the thoughts in my head to validate my ego,
Hopefully my awareness gratifyingly expands beyond the excessive thoughts passing through my head,
Beyond my ego,

So to really feel clearer and more ethically peacefully gratifyingly powerful,
I guess(?) I must let go,
More and more of my egoic insecurity,
And I guess(?) I must seek to open and connect more deeply,
Such as,
Within me that entails MORE than just the thoughts in my mind that my ego seeks and clings to for its sense of “separate” and “isolated” self..?

I feel I must continually clearly and peacefully remind myself,
To keep trying to expand my awareness more deeply,
To include,
Increasingly more of all that surrounds me,

With the hope of expanding my awareness continually BEYOND egoic thinking insecurity,

And hopefully,
(As implied),
Seeking to let go of feeling this constant need to be “better than others”,
Will hopefully reduce inner painful insecure pressure,
And will therefore hopefully,
Help me increasingly feel,
Deeper,
Clearer,

And overall..,

Better

?

Since I’m feeling a little manic tonight,
I just thought I’d make another post regarding what I presently feel I’m trying to logically piece together what I presently believe as right,
And yep my ego tried to rhyme that,
And it wants to infinitely connect more and more fancy rhymes to get attention,
Yet since I feel slightly emotionally dysregulated at the moment..,
Instead of suppressing the emotion WITH the INTENT to PREVENT it from building and cruelly exploding onto whichever beings more vulnerable than me..,
I presently feel I’ll try to ride these rhymes out..,
And then refocus my awareness on my breath as the search for rhymes passes like a current that I can breathe and relax within..,
Or do both at the same time..?

Huhhh..,

Ahhhh..,

I feel I must ask that..,
Does EXCESSIVELY uncontrolled selfish attention (possibly mainstream(?)) annoying repetitively similar sounds distract us into socially awkward attention reduction..?
To me it’s as those efficient implicit communicators just may say..,
“OBVIIII”..,
And would just saying “obvious” sound less robotic..?
Yet if something is commonly regarded as “obvious”..,
Then why say the word..?
..,
I guess..,
My point is that intelligence can be expressed in MORE than just words..,
Yet because I’m wording this..,
I do like trying to put what I presently view,
What I’m passing through,
Into at least some words..,

And if you’re offended due to whatever..,
There’s nothing I have to presently offer..,
Other than a convenient apology so my ego is SORRY..,
And why be forced to apologize when we’re NOT properly taught how to peacefully regulate out of control emotional energy..?
And since I presently believe we’re more than our physically manifesting ego.., Maybe an insincere apology will at least have others who we have hurt (because of whatever forces that may have dysregulated our internal self-control (for example)) feel at least some need of feeling heard..?
Yet for my own safety..,
I’ll add that for myself and whoever others,
That I do believe in moral compassionate accountability..,

I guess..,
And to keep rhyming..,
Presently to me it just feels that it remains an ongoing struggle to safely match inclusive collective open minded energy..,
That honors societal truth within,
And sustains an ethical compass within,
And compassionately follows truly ethical orders and can sustain distinguishing awareness,
To see the difference of what can and can NOT presently be altered that surrounds us and that remains as our inner sources of external emotional/physical functioning..,
That may possibly have the ability to be analyzed infinitely..?

And I hope remaining forms of elaborate hierarchical authority increasingly finds (if not sustains) an increasingly compassionate view regardless of past history that may haunt our forms of privilege to some degree..?

Yes I believe in compassionately and patiently remembering how to NOT repeat horrific history..,

And..,
Even though these stanzas might not connect “precisely”..,
I still feel a need to add another present belief of mine which is that:
May we find,
remember and/or develop compassionate awareness..,
Of causes,
Underneath any decisions of our own and other spiritually inseparable interconnected entities..,

May we NOT judge those for harming themselves even if they know the consequences,
May we find some needed awareness within ourselves to assist them with,
Which (for example) may just be,
Developing an ability to ongoingly..,
Openly,
Peacefully,
Listen..?
..,
And try helping them feel heard and connected instead of jumping to advice as our ego’s attempt to feel smart by “knowing the answer”..,

I also struggle with this,
Maybe the above was my ego preaching about giving it up..?
And maybe this analysis is just another form of my inner insecure ego..?

Yeah..,
What do I really “know”..?

Okay,
I’ll say it is time to,
Relax my insecure,
Apprehensive,
Obsessive,
Thinking,

Time to reconnect with a shore of peaceful recharging,

I’ll stop obsessively rhyming for at least now to the best of my ability..,

May you have a relaxing night

I feel:

I’ll just have to keep remembering to continue practice accepting,
That,
Whether naturally having “problems”,
Or being told I have “problems”,
Gave me more problems..?
..,
And/or:
Was I “born with” my issues..?
Or was there an unfortunate series of externally occurring events that made me (what I may regard as(?)) painfully LESS present and MORE inclined to remain socially distant..?
Or both..?
And/or (to reward it again(?)) more easily inclined to lose myself in unconscious spiraling excessive analytical thought..?

Sometimes I feel I just want one essential and easy to understand answer,
Sometimes I feel I just want a savior,
One who can teach me literally,
Specifically,
..,
One who does NOT rush to emotionally intimidate me,

I believe that (for example),
The MORE afraid I am of asking what I see as a needed survival question,
The MORE LIKELY I’ll remain in increasing fearful confusion..,
Which may spiral into horrific delusion,
Especially if and whenever in a situation,
When other uncontrollably sadistic external entities are more inwardly aware of my present inner self-awareness..,
I guess..?

As for the “chicken or egg”..,
Pertaining to what I said above..,
What came first..?
My problems OR problems resulting from believing I have “problems” after being told (to whatever degree implicitly and/or explicitly, sincerely and/or impatiently emotionally dismissively (for example)) that I have “problems”..?
..,
And maybe it was all at once..?
And maybe to make others trust us more we need to do better at spotting true inner emotional sources of out of control impulses INSTEAD of allowing our present out of control emotions to form deadly conveniently closed minded assumptions with closed minded “justifications”..?

I’d say that,
What we say,
How we say it,
And our awareness of how it affects others including how we see ourselves..,
Always has some type of level of emotionally interdependent sentient collective affect..?

And I do NOT mean to..
As many seem to essentially say “should all over myself”..,
Yet,
I presently believe I just feel that this SHOULD come back to common moral awareness that (I believe) is shaped by our life experience(s) such as how others relate to us and how it shaped our emotional/physiological sensory awareness development..?

So what really came first..?
And what occurred,
In whatever ways to whatever extents,
All at once..?

And if I did not sufficiently piece together these spoken words..,
May more capable literary awareness,
Facilitate and sustain increasing moral development as we pass through this similar form of sentient experience,

I hope that me trying to organize thoughts,
And whatever I feel a need to try to clearly piece together into spoken and/or written words,
Has helped,

And if it has NOT,
Instead of using energy to criticize me,
May you instead do a truly better job than me,

May criticism NOT be alienating,
May criticism NOT be divisive,

Yet INSTEAD,
May criticism be kind,
Compassionate,
Healing and cooperative,

And may our steps towards more of this be TRULY clear,
Morally considerate and/or productive,

Thanks for reading

I believe, that it is EVIL to try to “justify” the killing and/or torturous oppression of others for NOT believing what can NOT clearly be logically put into words and/or symbols used for communication,
May we NOT be psychologically traumatized, May we NOT be physically maimed, May we NOT be killed, In the name of what can NOT be clearly proven NOR explained,
And if we’re in a position of authority, And if (for example) another sentient being triggers the memory(s) of another sentient being that caused us certain form(s) of pain, May we simply NOT abuse our authority at the expense of whichever others whose presence triggers painful memories within us,
Even though at times it might feel very hard, I would guess(?) that it would probably feel WORSE repeating history,
Regardless of any level of power and authority, May we think and/or feel empathetically and logically, May we remain aware of our inner awareness so our pain does NOT UNjustifiably flow out onto others,
May we remain aware of how our inner emotional/physiological functions affect the changing inner beingness of ourselves and others (whether that’s physical, and/or psychological for example..),
Although this may be incredibly obvious, I still feel that too many still do NOT understand that the tone of voice we use when communicating to others has an effect on how they view, react and/or respond to us,
For example, I would guess(?) that, Coming across as emotionally edgy may make another assume that we’ll harm them physically, And the more our edginess scares others, And/or the more our UNawareness of annoying and/or frustrating others is, The more likely we’ll remain in isolation,
And due to the infinitely preceding elaborate psychological causes and effects of our development that (I believe) have remained out of our control to at least some extent, And that (I believe) we did NOT choose how to NOT make bad choices, Or that we did NOT decide to make out of control bad decisions, Then nothing we do may be our “fault” yet there still may possibly be understandable consequences for our behavior if it causes direct or indirect harm of others,
Such as if physical, social and/or emotional intimidation negatively affected the developing learning and/or emotional regulation ability of another, Then (in my belief) anger by the victim will be valid, And the anger by the victim may make it harder for the victim to control their behavior even in moments when they encounter another who did nothing to them, Yet who reminds them of someone who harmed them,
To put it more vaguely, I believe that.., Our degree in which we’re aware internally, Affects ourselves and whoever else we share civilized society with,
Hence I presently wish that we, Always increasingly aspire for inclusive sentient greatness within ourselves among all other infinite inseparable sentient true beingness

I believe:

The MORE I spot inner painful toxic energy building within me,
The LESS control it’ll likely have over me,
..,

I believe I’m inwardly foundationally accountable,
To build inner peaceful,
Clear and longer lasting strength,
In order to contribute whatever,
However,
Whenever and wherever I may contribute in my external socially expected role(s),

I feel that I,
Still,
Try my best to fulfill my part of whatever I believe I presently must,
That’ll MOST likely guarantee what is MOST deeply needed for myself and whichever sentient inseparable others,

Yet due to a history of struggling with emotional dysregulation making me feel more vulnerable and (therefore) lacking the confidence I view as needed for survival..,
Yes,
I feel I remain emotionally fragile,
And yes,
Other egos may therefore STILL fail to resist a temptation of trying to compensate for their inner unconscious built up insecurity by mistreating me to try to feel an instantly gratifying sense of “dominance” over me,

Speaking idealistically and I guess(?) PRACTICALLY,
I want to emotionally,
Spiritually,
Or however need be,
Increasingly help,
Uplift deep inner foundational sentient functioning roots within myself and others,
So our sentient interdependent interconnected ship does NOT sink into infinitely darkening stone cold depths,

And regardless of whatever ends up happening literally,
To sentient life on earth,
..,
May we,
Continually,
Ride out whatever this existence may keep throwing at us,
For however better or worse,

May we keep riding out this present experience,
Increasingly,
Equanimously,

May there be LESS and LESS toxic painful changes of any type(s) of frequency,
May we ride our presently passing physically manifesting sentient life form,

More,
And more,

Peacefully

May you live on in peace and power, Regardless of whichever other higher power(s) may or may not have created you and/or our sentient interconnected legacy..(?),
Although I can NOT speak for you, May you peacefully remain, With inseparable good life energy,
I still remember those walks around the lake, Conversations we’d make, Whether it pertained to the human state on any individual, collective, micro and/or macro level..,
I always appreciated your concern about the climate, And regardless of whatever humans encounter due to whatever naturally manifesting and/or human creating,
Well, congrats on making it through your life,
I hope we increasingly peacefully make it through together, And all I sometimes feel I can do is just make it through the day.., Although I may post a lot about negativity, Thank you for helping pave the way,
Thanks for reading those pieces of writing I sent you, And I wish you can read this, Regardless, May you find increasing peace and strength,
Of course like anyone else, We may have had excessive avoidable struggles yet we keep going, Regardless of where our mental and/or spiritual states take us I presently believe we keep on manifesting, And I plan to stay in this form for as long as I can,
Ahhhhh..,
My ego now wants to post another fancy worded letter by letter, word by word NON-autocorrected blog post, And now my IPhone 12 google document app format is acting different than usual, etc, etc, etc..,
Yet essentially I want to say..,
May you, Rest, In Peace and Power,
May your’s, Your daughters’, son’s and their offspring’s peace develop among us and all others we share this changing, interacting and rearranging inseparable personally interpreted and allegedly “accurately translated” life manifesting inseparable “energy”,
“Spirit”,
“God”,
Or whichever broad terms we may or may NOT use in vain, and/or in a state of unconscious vanity..? or whatever type of interpretation spiritual energy, to piece together the sentient condition we remain physically presently internally and externally within,
May you find more and more peace Grandpa,
Inhale, Huhhhh, Inhale, Ommmmmm, Inhale, Huhhh, Inhale, Ohhmmm, Inhale, Huhh, Inhale, Ahhhh, Inhale, Ahhh,

Okay..,
Letters, Syllables and socially constructed, Changing and passed down language, Which I feel as of now has not yet been able to put into words the manifesting life energy we once exchanged.., And I do NOT feel it ever perfectly will, Since words come out of our mouths on the surface, And since I presently believe the depths of spirit remain infinite,
And as of now, I’ll use words to say my best:
May you remain peacefully along the way, And may you among us all, Find more peace and power,
Blessings on your journey Grandfather,
May you live on,
In peace,
And,
Power

I guess(?) I presently feel that:

There are a lot of sentient social interaction energy fields that survive on the same kind of energy they are,
That can infinitely be traced back to wherever,
Due to whatever,
Internally and externally,
Above and below,
Beyond any walls of what one may claim to “know”,
..,

Maybe(?),
Various fields of inner anatomical developing emotional energy,
Bring people together based on a common feeling EVEN if that feeling can NOT be precisely connected into logical word sequences..?

And (I would guess(?)),
The stronger the emotion,
The deeper the connection,
..?
So for example,
If uncertainty,
Fear and/or hate make others exclusively relate,
Then that may MORE likely increase an alienation energy field of explosive projection towards the perceived “enemy”..(?),
And IF that emotional energy field collides with another that is mostly or (in this case) EXACTLY similar,
Then there may more likely be another and/or more solidified dangerous clash of institutional (or emotional collective hierarchical) war!!?

I guess that(?),
The more our individual and/or tribal ego focuses on identifying itself,
The more it FORGETS that it is part of all else,
In whatever solid and/or space,
Dangerous zone or comfortable space..?
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), pages 66-67, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

In other words (I guess..?),
The present physical manifestation we’re presently in can easily forget where it came from..(?),
Regardless if there was a more powerful sentient manifestation that “created” the present form we presently manifest in or not..?

And of course I wish to keep my right to question beyond the walls of ANY tribal institution..,
Regardless of our sentient individual egoic and/or collective exclusive egoic past,
Regardless of whatever historic records are kept,
And/or deliberately or accidentally destroyed,
May freedom last!
May freedom last!

(Sidenote: I’m not sure if I need to quote the above..(?), and the fact that I’m explaining this (I guess..?) shows obsessive compulsiveness that still limits my continually changing awareness..?),

Maybe an example of a spark of destructive energy fields could be..(?),
Emotionally BINARY evolving (or devolving) sources of information (Such as what is considered “good” versus what is assumed to be “evil”),
That therefore narrows information interpreting awareness cultivation,
From generation to generation,
..,
In other words (I guess?)..,
Instinctive fear evolving and perpetuating systems of indoctrination,
..,
Powers increasing and dividing,
Emotions separating and uniting,
..,
Anatomical sentient structures producing symbols,
Equations,
Interpretations,
Translations and institutional identities,
That may heavily influence the perpetuating awareness of any sentient being manifesting within and outside the collective emotional power structure..?

In other words I guess(?),
Infinite expanding emotional energy fields,
React with varying frequencies,

Or maybe that was too vague..?
I do NOT know..?
NOR (of course) do I believe I can “know” precisely since I believe we can always infinitely expand our awareness bubble of what we “know”..,
I guess if our environment nurtures us properly..?
I don’t know..?
EVIDENTLY,

And whether the environmentally evolving or devolving,
Moral or immoral socially interacting energy fields,
Seek to find a way to separate and prove themselves “right”,
Or however the energy fields seek to solidify their “separate” and “special” identity,

I believe that (for example),
Painful energy fields need painful energy to survive and grow,
YET,
By remembering proper steps to free myself from whatever painful energy field is within me and surrounds me..,
(Such as noticing my naturally occurring breathing and/or inner sensations contracting and expanding..),
I may MORE LIKELY create consciousness,
Which of course will hopefully emanate externally from it’s inner source(s),

I guess(?),
In a nutshell,
Energy fields feed off of and interact (for “better or worse”) among one and whichever others..?

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 162, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And of course I feel I struggle with this..,
Yet I just thought I’d try to more deeply piece together,
A helpfully,
Deeper,
Interpretation of this,
For myself with (of course) the intention to help the best I can within any sentient spiritual and/or perpetually changing social structural energy field,

And if I ever can NOT free myself externally,
Hopefully I can find inner peaceful freedom,
If I remember to more and more clearly spot,
What I certainly do not,
Have external control over,

And the MORE I remind myself,
To consciously emotionally check in within,
The MORE I may remember,
Even in the moments I forget,
Since LESS needed inner peaceful survival awareness will have left,

?

In other words I guess?
The more I strengthen my ability to consciously remember to emotionally check in,
The less I’ll forget because the more I’ll have previously reminded myself to consciously strengthen my consciousness memory ability..?
And hopefully emotions do NOT dangerously blind me,
And hopefully peaceful consciousness will have grown within me to stay centered to ALSO help those who may surround me,
..,
Or,
The more often I consciously remind myself of what is most essential to my functioning,
The more I’ll sustain functioning BECAUSE the moments I forget will (hopefully) have shortened..?

A part of me feels,
That there has been words (and/or phrases) that point to deeper understandings,
That I may exactly repeat in words or inwardly rediscover,
And I guess I can call that “inner realization”,
Which I’d guess someone else may already have called or “coined” as a term..?
Especially since if we come from the same life energy,
We may have (at some point) very similar (if not the same) inner realizations regardless of our ability to word them..?

And if that was not clear..(?),
Well,
Essentially,
I believe,
Figuratively speaking,
That there’s always an infinitely clearer and longer way to logically put into words,
The underlying life energy field that I believe we all manifest from somewhere on the surface,
..,
Yet,
Survival awareness,
I just of course hope to NOT dangerously forget,

I never want to be forced to sacrifice,
I want myself,
And whoever else,
To expand awareness for the improvement of myself among all beingness,

And of course that may be dismissed as unreasonably “idealistic”,
Yet I feel it’s most practical,
To develop inner peaceful self-control,
Wherever we are in the external

Here is a thought I tried to copy and paste from a bulleted personal google thought document, I hope the words technologically transferred precisely..?

I presently feel that:

May we peacefully regulate internal infinite expanding linear cognitive connections for good, yet we must remember that this takes consistent inner peaceful remembering, so May we remember to breathe, so the painful inner emotional tension does not blow us into hateful delusion.., The ego I feel, (our sense of separation(?)), appears to hate what it fears, so if we spot it, May we increase inner emotional/physiological awareness of it, whether it’s up down or all around, May awareness of senses infinitely expand infinite peaceful common considerate senses in infinite directions, May music not craft our awareness into a sadistic dark emotional trench of fire waiting to explode, May awareness of inner peace developing awareness NOT brutally expire

I hope the above revised words were peacefully sincerely put together

I sometimes feel, There’s free speech, and there’s “hate speech”, the authority decides which is which, the FAKE conspiracy theorists feed off of desperate adrenal unconscious narcissism, and my ego tries to grasp for words on the surface.., and if I misuse them, forces of natural human authority will control me, including this stanza.., I guess..?

And only the external sentient beings of awareness like me will handle and interpret and construct however minutely or broadly my letters to piece together and safely organize language that manifest(s) from their built up, and shaped overtime internal emotional awareness..?

Sometimes I’m just at a loss of words,

And my attention seeking ego,

I just must get to know,

So it does NOT navigate,

My actions into chemically reacting hate

I feel that:

Hypothetically speaking,
Reading articles about emotional dysregulation can make me emotionally dysregulated UNLESS I can detach from the internal negative energy and develop peaceful neutral humble awareness resulting from whatever self-viable “step by step” or inner “operant by operant” processes..,
(Or.., peacefully and safely “learning by doing” if this (above (I guess?)) stanza did NOT make adequate sense..?),

And I guess getting provoked ain’t easy..?
NOR “reading around” a context of needed information..,
As far as I presently remember..,
My awareness seems to RISE,
Fall THEN RISE higher AGAIN..?

Because I presently believe I see stuff differently,
I feel susceptible to getting dangerously emotionally disconnected if not becoming “straight up” delusional..,

Welp..,
Yes,
I could’ve had genetics,
That may have been exacerbated by “Promethazine”,
Under the brand name “Phenergan”,
(Source: https://www.rxwiki.com/promethazine),

Because (as I talked about),
My mom’s “morning sickness” (if I remember correctly?) could have killed me,
So instead of insurance companies paying for an IV,
They could save the money,
By giving her “Phenergan”,
So they’ll have more resource opportunity savings for a trip to a place like Miami speaking hypothetically.. or is the word “theoretically”..?

Speaking figuratively..,
What if it was a hat trick..?
And even if you’re confused by the context maybe this may help..?
(Source: https://www.decof.com/documents/insurance-company-tricks.pdf, “Tricks of the Trade: How Insurance Companies Deny, Delay, Confuse and Refuse”, (American Association for Justice(?)) and as long as NO person hacks in and changes the URL (link above(?)) I’d say I morally efficiently cited this online source..?),

Of course what they’d (whoever THAT could be?) do with the money (and/or justified survival resources) is their business.. I guess..?
..,
Yet for-profit health care..,
May just have played a part in giving me the life I have today..(?),

Now apparently..,
I do NOT have direct proof of Promethazine either causing autism NOR exacerbating any genetic predispositions..,
Especially because I can not presently remember being “in the womb”..,

I presently believe that,
Articles all have their biases even if they’re not funded (in this case) by for-profit pharmaceuticals that OMIT any harmful side-effects from research presented (in this case) on the developing fetus..(?),
And if you understand what I’m trying to say no need to grammatically correct me on THIS..,

If the drug is going to sell,
Of course negative research conclusions will NOT be provided NOR further investigated in a for-profit drug industry and/or whatever type of desperately power-seeking drug institution (federal or not, neither or both..?),

Huhh..,
And maybe my insecure ego wants attention..?
(Which could’ve been partly exacerbated by medication in addition to lived experience(s) such as any worsening psychological effects of getting emotionally bullied and struggles with letting the memories go..(?))..,
But look..,
Is this really just my ego wanting attention through some “conspiracy theory”..?
Or is there some truth to medication being overly-prescribed while NOT in cases of emergency..(?),
..?
On the books..?
“Off the ‘books’”..?
Or wherever whatever aspects of legal authority may presently lack the courage to look..?

Well..,
Here’s an article from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention(?)) that says certain prescriptions for pregnant mothers increase the chances of autism by 2.5 percent..?
(Source: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/features/kf-opioids-pregnancy-autism.html)..?

And I’d guess excessive fear will unconsciously change the SUBJECT..?
Of what I just might have been SUBJECTED to before I came out of the womb..?

And well..,
My ego also prefers to conveniently simply sum up my condition to have an easier understanding of my situation..?
Yet would conveniently narrowing my awareness be safe for a moral level of personal preferable survival..?
When is it a TRULY needed context to narrow my awareness..?
As you may guess..?
To some degree I may always guess..?

Yes I hope to prevent another emotional break due to trauma,
Sleep,
Etc, etc..,
That is very complex..,
Yet the ego,
And other egos might want (or need(?)) to dismiss my complex lived experience(s) that might have caused my struggles by simply saying it’s an “illness”..,
(Source: “THE ANOIKSIS CHRONICLES”, Jennifer Kanary Nikolova, “BEYOND DIAGNOSIS — UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOSIS”, (Date published: May 12th, 2020), http://medium.com/beyond-diagnosis-the-anoiksis-chronicles/beyond-diagnosis-making-sense-of-psychosis-e32a6aeae308) and I have not yet learned how to create “footnotes” and/or “endnotes” on this “IPhone 12”),

And if I do have a “psychiotic” experience due to stress and sleep deprivation..,
Well..,
If that triggers a deeper awareness,
I must not lose myself in the experience..,
Even if there’s deeper and true energy intensity..,
I presently believe I must detach my awareness from the intense energy,
So I know it’s passing through me..,
So I remain rational and centered,
While the deep trueness I experience,
Does NOT cause DANGEROUS,
Confusing hopeless recklessness..?

Of course,
My emotional inner chemical reactions that react to experience may be shaped over time all the passing present time..?
..,

Yet to imply my lived experience(s) meant nothing and that my struggles are merely caused by an imbalance of chemicals.., some illness or whatever,
I’ve felt has felt conveniently misleading,
Since lived experiences such as emotional trauma,
That may have led to stress,
Sleep deprivation,
And/or feeling constantly misunderstood by others,
Etc, etc,
Is more specific or more explanatory than merely “chemical imbalance” and/or “illness”..,

May Life Energy regard institutional prepared freedom,

And if (as others may say(?)) “all the above” made “no sense”..,
I guess I can ask myself when appropriate..,
Was it the “Promethazine” brand name machine..?
Or something foundationally deeper..?

I guess I’ll just need to be presently,
Clearer..?